Carpe Natem

chillin'

[kholran]

It’s finally happened.

After almost a decade on this site, I found another Tumblr user in the wild. I stopped to tie my shoe with rainbow laces this morning outside the silversmith at Colonial Williamsburg, and I heard it.

“I like your shoelaces.”

Oh. Oh no.

I responded the only way I could. “Thanks.” And then I reluctantly added, “I stole them from the president…and if that makes sense to you, I’m very sorry.”

The poor man, in full Colonial dress, stared at me for a long moment. And then burst into laughter. And said, “I haven’t thought about that in YEARS and this has never happened to me before.”

Yeah. Me neither. Not until today.

Tumblr rite of passage. Achievement unlocked.

[beggars-opera]

@victoriansecret I found your friend!!!

[beggars-opera]

[mothermara]

remember to bury the dead with a phone, everyone. these days the ferry terminal at the river styx wants you to download a fucking app

[tahthetrickster]

me: i have a very specific tumblr accent meme im thinking of that surely i should be able to pull up by searching the text in the meme

the most dogshit useless decimated search engine in the entire world:

[tahthetrickster]

i did find it btw but having a COMPUTER address me like it’s a person sent me into such an incandescent rage i nearly pitched my phone clear across the room

[ishowdespair-deactivated2026012]

[hamptercatapult]

[sailermoon]

this is how new yorkers @ mamdani

[sailermoon]

[shetheyslain]

Dahling you simply must read this book! It’s all about this devious little caterpillar who simply gorges himself on all manner of divine things

[batsandboba]

[mikufanclub]

remember when teachers would tell you to fold paper hamburger or hotdog style. kind of sounds like some fake shit but just another example of burger centric american thinking

[mikufanclub]

non americans in the tags doubting if this is true. you think burger is a fucking joke to us??

[zukosgay]

nothing better than the wrong capitalization of Sie

[zukosgay]

[la-mancha-screwjob]

[gageblackwood]

#‘’we are obliged to keep this data for 4 weeks after which it will be destroyed’’#versus#‘’we are obliged to keep this data for 4 weeks after which YOU will be destroyed’’

[emiliascorner]

[zukosgay]

you’re right. after which you will be absolutely fucking obliterated

[mikkeneko]

Ich will das Twink vernichtet

[sunflowerlovergirl]

[hatesaltrat]

The road to the childrens’ hospital

@swedishfalcon-actual

[enchantingsorceress]

I hope this joke outlives the context that made it, leaving future generations baffled.

[arewehavingpunyet]

I ain’t afraid of no goats.

[indirispeaks]

I am suspicious of the pineapple though.

[librarycard]

the ship of theseus wikipedia article in 2003. 20 years later, after 1792 total edits, 0% of its original phrasing remains. (x)

[ospreyonthemoon]

And yet it's still the same article, the article designated to be about theseus' ship. Debate solved i guess

[creepymutelilbugger]

easy as fuck . were they stupid?

[siderealsandman]

[aretarers]

whatever else you have to say about katy perry i do have to say "do you ever feel like a plastic bag" is maybe one of the all time funniest ways to start a song

[wellshitcaitlin]

@inneskeeper this seems relevant to your interests

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! SHE DOIBLES DOWN!

It is actually rare that I get shown stuff that could ACTUALLY be the spawning point of a new and proper named heresy within Holy Roman Catholicism.

“Jesus actually survived the crucifixion” is legitimately one of the most terrifyingly viable heretical traditions you could start. It fulfills the exact ramifications for a popular and overwhelming heresy: It supports and glorifies Christ’s strength (so powerful he could not die in a meaningful way), encouraging different theological philosophies and understandings of the source material, and is COMPLETELY RUINOUS about the WHOLE POINT of Jesus as the Lamb of God. He is destined to die to take on the sins of all humanity forever so we can br forgiven. The death and the resurrection of Christ after his journey into Hell for three days is cosmologically as important as the Trinity. It is one of the pivotal foundations of the entirety of the religion.

If Jesus didn’t die, he didn’t die for us. That changes a LOT of things. But it is at its root a heresy which is not anti-Christian and is instead just a completely irreconcilable veneration.

I love this woman. I need to encourage her to be like this.

[tyrannosaurus-trainwreck]

tOxIcItY iS a ChArAcTeR tYpE this is fucking amazing

[tyrannosaurus-trainwreck]

Okay it’s been several hours and I’m still not even slightly over this.

Like, Jesus said “I am the resurrection and the life, except the resurrection bit is metaphorical, because I’m too swole to actually die.”

“For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, but not really, for he made his only begotten son super fucking butch. Like, obviously way too butch to actually succumb to a little crucifying.”

“Pilate was surprised to hear that he was already dead. Summoning the centurion, he asked him if Jesus had already died. The centurion said to him, ‘Jesus is too shredded to kill, he’s like the Terminator, nothing can take him out.’ Pilate sent Joseph away with nothing, for Jesus was indestructible.”

“The angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified but absolutely did not die. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he was just taking a little nap. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: ‘He never died, you all really jumped the gun this time.’”

“The Son of Man is going to be betrayed into the hands of men, but it would take an atomic bomb to kill him, he’ll be fine.”

[espanolbot2]

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone, for he shall be positively jacked, and for his swollage will enable him to bung the biggest rock he could lay his turkey-sized hands upon those that displease him. Amen.

[fade-steppin]

anyone want to start a new branch of christianity with me? i’m calling it Unkillable Jesus

[tanukiham]

turns out they very much did not kill jesus

[internerdionality]

How dare you leave “ma’am? MORMONS don’t even do that” in the tags

[beardedmrbean]

I'm choosing to believe this is real because it's funny and hurts no one

[homeboygirl]

theres bikes around the city you can rent but you have to use an app that needs your drivers license. theres buses that drive right to your destination, but if you dont have change you need the app. you can wash your car here if you sign into the app. you can go to the bathroom here you just have to unlock it with the app that needs your location on. you can order at this restaurant if you scan the code and download the app. im losing my freaking mind

[charlesoberonn]

[bearfeathers]

[kosmogrl]

[mothmanchronicler]

[januaryysummers]

[myleftpinkytoe]

UM WE FORGOT THE OTHER TWO

[atomicrow]

tumblr when a new pathetic man drops