[argumate]

[penny-anna]

This is what I would do if I was Count Binface and I actually won:

Resign from office on the grounds that I only ran for the bants, triggering a further by-election

Immediately announce my candidacy for the by-election.

[swedishguy05]

I hate applying for college I hate applying for college I hate applying for college I hate applying for college I hate applying for college I hate applying for college I hate applying for college I hate applying for college I hate applying for college I hate applying for college I hate applying for college I hate applying for college I hate applying for college I hate applying for college I hate applying for college I hate applying for college I hate applying for college I hate applying for college I hate applying for college

[swedishguy05]

Becoming a controlling boyfriend but only to make sure my girlfriend never plays Duke Nukem 3D

[swedishguy05]

To the day I die, I will uncritically believe that the reason they specifed Rocky had a spouse was because otherwise there would've been no good reason for Ryan Gosling to not end the movie marrying a sapient boulder.

[fleysh]

[bluesardine]

Some great additions from the comments.

[markovchaingang]

look when i advocated for "total puppy genocide" i just meant that responsible owners should get their dogs spayed an neutered. i don't know why you assumed i wanted to kill all puppies or anything

[apricops]

*trying to pitch public transportation to Americans* it’s like a legal form of texting while driving

[cheaphalloweencostume]

all movies are for children because the moving image is inherently juvenile. to be entertained by it even moreso

[cheaphalloweencostume]

did we like, all forget about telling jokes

[cheaphalloweencostume]

its gigglebait. its hehebait

[swedishguy05]

They say you should get a bisexual girlfriend because she'll want another woman in the bedroom. What they don't tell you is that she intends for you to be that woman

[clearlightwired]

A new government program promises to remove the hands of all children.

"Hands could allow them to willingly self-generate abuse material," said the Prime Minister, "and we take child safety very seriously."

The program plans to also remove the hands of adults who appear to be children and adults selected as being at-risk for engaging in child abuse.

"That's the ingenuity of the program," said the Technology Secretary, "with the centralized infrastructure in place for hand removal, we can also prevent future predators from ever offending."

[colubrina]

there's this one guy on twitter who's somehow been misfiled and belongs on tumblr

[segamascott]

he seems to be doing a pretty good job tbh

[weepingwitch]

theist accelerationism: the world needs to get as bad as possible as fast as possible so God is forced to intervene

atheist accelerationism: the world needs to get as bad as possible as fast as possible in order to trigger a collapse of the current economic and socio-political structure

agnostic accelerationism: nobody knows why the world needs to get as bad as possible as fast as possible

[apricops]

I think I’ve been reading too much about early modern Europe because I just heard someone go “of course Christians don’t think the communion wafer is actually the body of Christ, it’s a metaphor” and I said out loud “girl no they started wars about this.”

Which is kind of a pedantic thing to say! because absolutely that’s a benign and perfectly reasonable statement in the year 2026 but for a second I felt like there was an absolutely gobsmacked 17th century Austrian priest watching over my shoulder

[pissvortex]

[smoke-in-the-winds]

“Wow, yeah, I’ve never heard of that, it sounds really fucked up. Bet those perverts south of here would do it though”

[scramratz]

I think people would be less suicidal if they were allowed to talk about being suicidal without risk of being sent to the Torture Dungeon

[cpericardium]

hey everyone "I" have something to show "you"

[cpericardium]

[cpericardium]