T3 Mama

Expressing my love and grieving process for Tanner. I’m not sure anyone is actually reading this but if someone is out there listening. Thank you.

[t3mamathoughts]

I avoid this place. I avoid writing it down because it reminds me it’s really. It reminds me how alone and empty my world is without you. No one to care or listen. No one for me to hold without you here. No one take the pain away. It builds and builds. It overflows as anger and terror. Your memory keeps me alive and holds me back. I miss you.

[t3mamathoughts]

I miss you with every cell of my body. I still bargain every day hoping to feel your presence.

[t3mamathoughts]

There are so many days I would relive if I could. Everyone includes you. My life is not whole without you. My heart is not whole.

[t3mamathoughts]

So many days hours lives tears heartbeats and moments separate our last goodbye. I miss you. I cry for you. I grief your absence. I need to heal but I don’t want to.

[t3mamathoughts]

As my posts and outward through to become less it’s not because I fell less it’s because less care and less want to hear. Less feel for me when I cry. I reserve the tears for when I’m alone. It’s no longer publicly acceptable. I am alone. He is alone. We are alone in our wish for a life together.

[t3mamathoughts]

Missing my baby

[t3mamathoughts]

Nothing is the way it should be. Vacation feels uncomfortable.

[t3mamathoughts]

I’ve been trying and failing to find my what’s next. What does life look like 18 months of no you. What do I do with my time besides grief? How do I remember you and still live my life? What if I forget you? I already feel like I don’t remember the details. I only have so many pictures and videos. I feel like I have more pain then memories. My soul and heart are so broken. When will the questions also have answers?

[t3mamathoughts]

The darkness is still here. Your shadow follows me with out you there to bring me the light. It’s always tough times with no relief and no outlet. You life and loved are constantly looked for.

[t3mamathoughts]

You are still my most reliable constant. I love you TanMan. I post less and less words because I’m sick of thinking about you. I’m sick of missing you. I’m so sick of it I feel sick.

[t3mamathoughts]

My heart breaks and yearns for you with no relief.

[t3mamathoughts]

Oh my boy. I don’t post less often because I care less I post less often because no one cares. I talk to you all day. I talk of you to anyone who will listen. I wish for you constantly. You aren’t here. I hope you still feel my love.

[t3mamathoughts]

My boy do you even know how we miss you? Life will never return to the way I knew it.

[t3mamathoughts]

My heart searches for you in every moment.

[t3mamathoughts]

I’m at a point where I don’t just miss you I miss who I used to be. I had sadness and depression then but I also had a light to hold on to. Now there is no light. It’s always dark and I pull myself out when someone insists but then without notice I sink back in. No one tries to pull me out. I’m left there to rot and cry all alone asking the universe to let me feel your soul once again.

[t3mamathoughts]

I need to find a way to bring your soul back to me and put it back where it belongs. I can’t survive without it anymore.

[t3mamathoughts]

That is you. You are that dogs. The daily tears, pain, grief, regret, and sorrow are timeless. Time does not change the feelings.