Human fart bubble Dr. Phil said on his show recently that “100 out of 100 relationships that involve caregiving fail” - airing the ableist belief that people with disabilities and/or chronic illnesses are a drain on all the resources that sustain romantic relationships and that they alone are responsible for its inevitable demise.
Putting us in the “too hard” basket is definitely nothing new, but blatantly characterizing us as undeserving of equal quality of relationships as anyone else is an arrogant play at defining our experiences for us, with the result being that they consider us inferior. What’s more, by citing an entirely fabricated statistic, it serves its purpose of striking fear into people who have the capacity to love a person and their needs: It mocks them for ‘wasting’ their time and their love, and portrays disability/chronic illness as a darkness to avoid getting sucked into.
Every relationship, at some point, will involve caregiving. It is not a chore nor a burden. It is given because of love, not in spite of it. You can be disappointed and angry at the situation while also knowing that your partner is not having these needs to try to control or punish you. Those who harbour such thoughts are not equipped to be with them, period. But this does not apply to all. There is no 100 out of 100. For every person you find who dwells on how difficult their partner’s needs have made their own life, you’ll find someone who doesn’t resent one second of being on this journey with them - who knows it’s part of their journey together and constantly nurturing love will mean it always wins out over the challenges. The reality is that some just aren’t cut out for what unconditional love really looks like. The person with a disability/chronic illness is not to blame. Their circumstances do not make them less worthy.
Besides this being grossly ignorant, it represents the attitude of an unqualified man with an inflated sense of self-importance who has made his living by judging and devaluing others. If he didn’t hold his position of influence, he could be dismissed; as it is, for reasons unknown, people take his word as gospel and many will apply his belief to their own relationships. He does not hold a medical license to practice psychology (and hasn’t for thirteen years) and currently practicing professionals assess his approach as being “unethical” for, among many things, asserting authority in areas in which he has no expertise. His views on disability and relationships do not come from professional experience, only from personal prejudice.
The #100outof100 hashtag on Twitter is an encouraging clapback from people in relationships involving caregiving.
