no one caresall have left mealoneall alonein a world filledhe is aloneforgottenabandoned*****
I expect many people have felt unloved, abandoned, alone at some point in their life. It is a horrible moment. It is worse to feel this way when with other people. Outside looking in.One of the beautiful things about accepting Christ is that the Holy Spirit comes into us and is always with us. We are…
Lord, do not abandon me
help me, Lord, my salvation
walk with me, hand-in-hand
ever guiding me on the path
of righteousness
*****
Psalm 38:21-22
Lord, do not forsake me;
do not be far from me, my God.
22 Come quickly to help me,
my Lord and my Savior.
Psalm 27:10-14
For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
But the Lord will take me up.
Teach me Your way, O Lord,
And lead me in a level…
there's some serious juxtaposition between seeing child Chara have a happy breakfast with their family vs. post-epilogue being reblogged where Chara casually explains their biological father abandoned them at 2. good lord 😭
sometimes it's hard to remember that this is the same character as adult!chara is visually different and, well, grown up. damn chara how much trauma do u have for real
I don't have much of a childhood with you that i remember and what i do remember wasn't the best.
i remember being picked up from loud parties with lots of people at them and you not being around.
I remember getting chicken pox and you giving me a bath in the duplex we once lived in.
i remember sitting on the floor board of a car in the backseat because the car was so full of all your friends while my father was chasing you trying to get me back, being younger than 8 scared and not understanding all going on.
my last memory of you was when i was 8 and you came to church to spend time with me and little did i know that was the last time i was going to see you.
At that same time i was starting a new school in a new town in a new home. starting 3rd grade with the trauma of not having a mother or knowing when i would see her again. The trauma of a breaking heart shattering into pieces. 2000 was the year everything hit differently. 8 years old. no mother. being the oldest I had to help my father with my siblings, take on responsibilities.
I may not have any loving memories with you at all but i do know that the love i had for you was strong and deep and you was the only person that i wanted in my life and you was the one person i didnt have.
I carried that truma with me throughout my childhood years. I refused to let so many people close to me. 2000 being the last I saw you to 2009 being 17 almost 18.
i still remember that day I saw you at the hotel and all i could think about was it's finally my time to have a mother in my life. That this new chapter was going to be the best. little did i know i was wrong.
Moved back to iowa with you, meeting my baby sister and my other step siblings ive seen before. my step dad and thinking this will be good for me.
From garage parties with constant drinking to fighting and taking care of my baby sister learning about diabetes and how to care for a person who has it to trying to get you to spend time with me with out drinking to losing you all over again because drinking is all you could do.
Moving out and getting kicked out of school for not living with a parent to getting my high school diploma at at college and starting my nursing degree while losing my mind not having a clear conscious at all, getting into a relationship i wasnt ready for. Starting a life I wasn't ready for.
I never let myself heal from any of the trauma. I let it consume me each day and i found someone to pure it all into who eventually tore me apart to so i tend to find myself finding people who are broken and need fixing to work on them and less of me and i have wasted my whole life doing that just to avoid my pain of not having the mother i wanted and needed in my life and for what?
what it did for me was put me down a bad path. a path of people who did nothing but abuse me and use me and lie and hurt me but i am the one to blame because i let it all happen just to avoid the pain you put me through.
Don’t get me wrong I’ve met a lot of amazing people along the way to.
years down the line you tried to tear my family from me. you tried to blame me for social services taking my niece. You blamed everything on me. you used me and used me day in and day out and i let you. you only talked to me when you needed something. and then the day i finally stopped giving in and letting you when is the day you never showed.
the day that i drove around town waiting for you to show up all because you wanted to meet up with me to cash that check of yours and then what a lady hits me totals my van. hurts my child and all you can tell me was that chris took your keys you cant come and you never intended to come meet me like you asked for me to.
it was that day that i realized what i truly meant to you. nothing. your first born child. the person who made you a mother and nothing is what i mean to you.
even tho we dont talk anymore and i havent seen you in along time and while your on your meth path now and god only knows how your truly doing i do know that out of all the hell you have put me through i still love you. Ill still be there for you from afar. I'll be there for you at your deathbed and funeral. I'll be there for you if you fall sick but i will not put my life on hold once again for you.
You may have given birth to me and given the title of a mom but you have never been my mother. a stranger who brought me into this would with out showing me what love is or how to be the best person that i could be but you have taught me that i am who i am today for lots of reasons and some of them include the way you was with me.
your a women who has gone through whatever life put your through to be able to continue down a path where you never got to know 3 of your children and never will because they choose not to care who you are for leaving them. a life where you will always be the person you are until you accept all your flaws and mistakes and try to make amends with them.
I need to move on from this trauma that i have been holding onto since 2000.. I need closure and peace from the past and move onto the future.
I forgive you melissa jo helfler for all that you have done. I forgive all that you may do. You are such a beautiful soul and person if you let yourself be. I pray to our lord that you find your forgiveness and can be redeemed for all gone wrong and find your own peace in life.
i will always love you and i will always be your daughter, even if you don't see nor want me as your own. Know that i will be there from afar and love you as you gave me life, a life that i am now learning to live without heartache.
What all does Friend want from MC? What are his goals?
He likes having control of things.
That's not to say he doesn't care about you, he just thinks he knows what's best for you MORE than you do.
He will label your relationship whatever way you want, he just doesn't want you to leave him. He doesn't want you to move on with better friends or even worse, a significant other.
His biggest fear is, one day, waking up and you not being there anymore.
He's overbearing, he's manipulative, and you'll have to be pried from his cold, dead hands.
Author’s Note: Chapter 8 is here! As a warning, this long chapter includes angst, dark content, strong language, and other possibly triggering themes. Please read at your own risk.
The dining room table filled with a spread of food big enough to cover almost every neighbor in town. Both Tobias and his wife, Michelle, had cooked every part of this meal together.
Out of respect, we had all taken turns washing our hands in the kitchen or used the half-bathroom located here downstairs. Only minutes later, Michelle led our collective prayer. Each of us held hands without ever making rude comments.
Back and forth, Drew and I passed food around. Right now Cyrus couldn’t help grinning without malice between words. He chatted with Tob to start this long awaited game of catch-up.
“What do you want to know?” Tobias asked Cy before long.
“Tell me as much as you want.” Cyrus was gentle with his own question.
“How long do we have together? It’s complicated, Russ.” Tobias warned Cy. I shook my head between bites of our meals.
“I’ll stay here for as long as possible, even if it means hiding from Dad. You know he broke out of prison right?” Cyrus grounded all of us in reality.
“Yeah. News reports started running up like crazy not long ago, but he wants nothing to do with me.” Tobias uttered.
“Why didn’t Mom raise us together?” Cyrus sipped from a glass of water, but still looked worried.
“All I remember is Mom letting me stay with our neighbors down the block. Maybe she thought raising one kid alone would’ve been easier. By the time you were born, Dad was already in prison.” Tobias explained more. I looked in with Drew myself.
“What made you settle down here?” Cyrus changed the subject, but ended up nodding and wiping his lips between more bites of our meal.
“Her.” Tobias smiled again while gesturing towards Michelle at the table. We all grinned back in return.
“Go on.” Michelle encouraged him and we chuckled together almost immediately afterwards.
“She worked near my assigned field office…” Tobias trailed off and let us fill in the blanks of course.
“Happy for you.” Cyrus acknowledged his brother with another grateful expression showing now.
“Thanks. I’m just trying to lay low without facing Dad. If anything goes down, I’d never forgive myself. Be careful.” Tobias cautioned everyone here at the table.
“Of course.” Cyrus agreed.
_______
We returned home days later, but Cyrus and Drew invited me back to Club Shadow one to reconvene in one way or another.
“I thought Eric would’ve helped you find Tobias.” I squinted between the overhead strobe lights that evening.
“He stopped answering our calls after my father showed up here.” Cy rasped his voice.
“Damn. you’ve got everybody spooked.” I ended up chuckling without humor.
“Nah, that was my Dad’s fault. Like we all know, he’s out of prison and too much is at stake by this point.” Cyrus continued. Music still thundered outside the closed door.
“You know what to do if it gets too rough on your own.” I stood up after finishing off this shot and said goodbye to him. Drew followed his lead. Chaos aside, I knew better than to mentally walk off. No amount of time would end my loyalty, even if I wasn't around them full-time.
_______
2003
“L!” Drew walked over our threshold of the tattoo shop. On the other hand, this lanky dude with blondish hair wore a dark hoodie and trailed right behind him.
“Hey, Drew. What’s up? How’s your weekend going?” I offered the question while still moving around the shop. Other coworkers of mine still helped customers.
“It’s all good. Just wanted to schedule with you soon. This is Cyrus and we’re getting the same ink together.” Drew pointed back towards his friend, who walked up towards me and quietly introduced himself with a handshake.
“All right, cool. You know the drill. Give ideas of what you both want in enough time before the appointments and I’ll get it done.” I handed out that usual advice and Drew nodded along with Cyrus.
***
Now, ten years later, Drew, Cyrus, and I still shared three letters that built an acronym on the inside of our wrists:
O.W.P.
Only When Provoked.
Our motto stood to this day, unlike someone else who “worked” on the other side.
“Leo?” Another voice questioned me. I was just about to hail a cab home when that hidden person called for my attention again.
Eric appeared in all black while standing up against the nearest brick wall. I shook my head and brushed him off, knowing damn-well that he wasn’t supposed to be here.
“Get out of here, man. Cyrus told me that you punked out when his Dad showed up the other night. In fact, it's a miracle that you’re still breathing at this point.” I smirked, but still peeked over my shoulder.
“Last I checked, Ray’s hiding out in Miami.” Eric pushed himself away from the brick wall, but I wouldn’t step closer of course.
“Tell Cy, not me.” I scoffed.
“Already texted him.” Eric lifted his cell phone. “I just don’t want to drop by and give out the updates anymore.”
“If you’re so spooked now, then why even continue walking near this turf?” I pocketed my hands.
“Let’s just say that I’m looking out.” Eric clipped.
“Are you finally calling a truce with Cyrus?” I narrowed my eyes.
“Hell no.” Eric furrowed his brow and I knew that this longtime game wasn’t completely over yet.
“Then get out. Don’t you know how much is at stake because Ray's still at large?” I tried to keep him away, tried to explain how damaging shit would be if Cy’s father actually went off on people around here.
“At least Cyrus knows who his father is now. At least Ray is still alive.” Eric deadpanned through the night air.
“There’s no good in having a parent who just makes terrible choices on a regular basis.” I tried to offer more details. “Ray was in and out of prison. Never around to raise his kids. Forced his wife to sacrifice a lot of things.”
“At least Cyrus has family left. Talk to me when you’ve lived in and out of group homes and never know if you’re actually good enough to be adopted. Cy was always the favorite, no matter how fucked up home life was.” Eric didn’t cry while speaking up, but I knew that he wanted to cry, even in public tonight.
“What are you saying?” I narrowed my eyes and finally moved across the sidewalk. If not Eric’s whispers wouldn’t be loud enough to hear.
“Went to the same high school. I saw him at the very beginning.” Eric revealed the truth of their past. “Before the hoodies and mugging, Cyrus was just another teenager with second-hand glasses and crooked teeth. If it wasn’t for Drew, Cy would probably never graduate because kids used to bully him.”
“Did you bully him, too?” My blood boiled.
“No. Never.” While looking straight at me, Eric seemed genuine and earnest this time around.
“All right.” I folded both arms and waited to hear more. So much more rested in his eyes. “Go on.”
“After graduation, Russ snapped. He went out that night with Drew to celebrate at a sports bar and somebody had the nerve to stomp down his tassel cap in front of everybody.” Eric seemed immediately while recalling that memory.
“Yo, what the fuck! What happened after that?” I backpedaled with shock.
“Drew punched this bastard in the face and that was the first time Cyrus ever mugged anyone. He’s been cold ever since.” Eric said, grounding me in reality.
Cy went dark because some idiot ruined his one shred of happiness.
“Do you remember who it was?” I lowered my voice.
“No, but if Russ saw him now, he’d probably be dead.” Eric affirmed and I’d never disagree with this truth.
“Damn.” I mumbled.
“Yeah, that’s why I’ve said for you to be grateful to be alive. If he ever snaps like that again, nobody’s safe.” Eric planned on walking away, but I called back out.
“Where are you going? It’s late.” I cautioned.
“I’m getting out here and picking up food before Cy leaves the club.” Eric lifted his hand to say goodbye, but I turned to look around the corner.
A motorcycle perched underneath one nearby streetlight and Eric drove off, revving its engine to leave me alone.
