MF's it's BAMF time! - of the top 10 variety. Do I even need to say more?
I probably do.
It's that time to honor all the people we've seen out in these mostly fictional streets, doing all of the things that we wish we could do (without getting arrested).
Last year's champ - BLACK WIDOW
But, she dead, so... I doubt there will be a repeat. But, let's see.
#1 - Must have badass power
#2 - Must have badass attitude
#3 - Must be relevant to the majority in 2022
Liam Neeson (my white daddy, always in the mix)
Voldymr Zelensky (all politics aside - a real-life BAMF; didn't seem fair to put him in there with the fictionals)
Ashtray from “Euphoria” (you name a kid "Ashtray, and he's either gonna get his ass beat or be a BAMF... both kinda happened here)
(I can’t tell you how much I love them and their movie. It hurts not to put them on, cuz this is now one of my favorite action movies, and they're awesome, but... no one knows what I'm talking about when I say "RRR"
Dude who fought a giant crab in “Love Death + Robots” ( if you don’t know, don’t worry about it)
Ben Affleck (you swoop in and take back your ex from a legendary MLB player... you get a mention)
The Woman King
The IronHeart
The Wendy Byrde (badassery or mental illness? you be the judge, but either way - RESPECT)
Sting, the wrestler (really just for being old)
Wednesday Addams
Ok, now that THAT'S out of the way:
#10 - Them Stranger Thangs Kidz:
I know they don't look very intimidating - outside of the super-powered girl (Eleven), one might not have a lot of confidence in them, but I do!
Even though most of them look confused... and some look like they just shit themselves.
BUT, think about what they did -
They went after THIS GUY,
who's made a habit of making his victims levitate before crushing their eyes and bones.
They went after him on his turf, knowing there would be monsters screeching between them and him.
And not being sure if they could even defeat him.
That takes some giant BAMF BALLS
I don't remember the character's name, but the actor's name is Amber Midthunder.
One more person who conquered their fears after seeing a beast be beastly, and then putting the smack down.
Extra BAMF points for being seemingly (in a misogynistic universe, so... all universes, I guess:) the weakest, and using that non-truth to her advantage.
(that’s his “what-the-bleep-you-gonna-do-about-it?” face)
Batman always belongs on this list. He's pretty much the standard. If I don't put him on the list, people start coming to my home in the middle of the night, and threatening to take my credentials away.
I don't even really need to say anything.
I could talk about how in this movie, he simply stares people down (in silence), while collecting data on them.
His enemies don't know what to think. He just let's them talk shit, while he computes how he's going to beat them down.
Then, there's the trailer:
He interrupts gang activity, beats the hell out of half of them, then makes a spectacle/example out of one poor soul who dared to ask "who are you?" THEN, my man responds to that question with "VENGEANCE". He could have said anything at that point and it would have been an exclamation point - "Batman" "The Night", "Steve" - doesn't matter.
You do all of that, and then shout out that you are vengeance incarnate.... yeah, BAMF.
People (like myself) said the "theaters are dead". You've got OG's bitching about how the only movies people care about anymore are comic book movies. Then, Tom rides in on his motorcycle, and tosses "Maverick" at the feet of Hollywood.
Hollywood looks at it... they've heard about this sequel to (let's be honest) a bad movie, but they didn't believe it would ever happen.
The film was glowing and they thought maybe they heard angels voices coming from the film.
Masterpiece! I felt emotions I didn't know I could feel. And everyone must have been with me, cuz (at least for a moment) the theaters were booming again.
Then, my dude puts out two awesome trailers for Mission Impossible, and promotes it all while standing on a plane (real life!) that's IN THE AIR.
Clap your hands all ye people, for Tom BAMF Cruise.
Again, I don't need to say anything, but I will.
I could mention that the villain coming after Thor has a blade designed to kill him.
Imagine if someone had a weapon called "The I'm going to torture and kill [insert your name] Blade".
He tries to get help from frickin ZEUS, and Zeus and the gang are all scared of this villain, cuz their names are inserted on the blade as well.
It's not just Thor's bravery, badassery, and muscles that has landed him on this list, but also his love. That's right, I said "love"!
He fights for his love (Natalie Portman), who's sick. This is Thor we're talking about.... nobody would have blamed him if he said "Look, baby, you're sexy and all, but you're sick... this is too real for yours truly, the-gettin-booty-god - a playa gotta play, you dig??"
(I mean we should blame him, but... he's so damned charming).
But, he instead stands by her, encourages her, and fights with, and for her.
Badassery of love.
Do you remember that time that you possessed a dead alternate version of yourself, so you could dreamwalk to a hellish realm, so you could fight a witch and save the day?
Ya damned right you don't! You know who can remember when they did that? - Doctor BLEEPING Strange!
He's super nerdy, and normally we can't allow nerds into Club BAMF, BUT exceptions are a part of life.
Plus, he fought a lil bit in that movie... with his hands and feet! I thought he was all about hocus pocus. I had forgotten about his training.
Rockin some tiger style, baby!
I roll the r's on his name - seems more intimidating. "Gorr" (with no r's rolled) seems like a name for a simpleton, which
he def is not!
He went from a groveling worshipper to THE MAN you call when you want a GOD slayed.
You don't even have to call him... he's probably out there doing it already; that's strong work ethic, kids.
Do you understand how ballsy that is?!
You know gods to be immeasurably powerful and seemingly unkillable. You find out that most of them are a bunch of assholes.
So, you say to yourself "They ALL have to go. And imma make that cause my life's work."
That's constructive rage, kids.
So, badass that all of the gods (these powerful beings) are hiding out.
Everything about him is badass..
Look at him - you don't know if you want to fear him, worship him, be him, or bang him.
I imagine it's similar to how Prince made people feel.
He defended and saved his people. Led the building and reigning of a secret underworld kingdom.
Comes and goes, freely, to and from Wakanda... without their consent. Nobody does that!
That's like being able to break-in and raid Joe Biden's fridge whenever you want, and simply leave unharmed/unhindered.
(BAMF)
He'll beat your ass in the water, he'll beat your ass on land, he'll beat your ass in the air. Doesn't matter.
The only unBAMF-like thing about him are those chicken wings on his feet.
You gotta cover them up, bro! Not out of shame, but just in case someone gets hungry.
These last two were hard to decide between. -
Black Adam and Scarlet Witch
Both crazy powerful. Both with BAMF attitude.
Black Adam, pretty much can't be stopped. You can slow him down, you can manipulate him, you can trick him, but beat him??
Maybe if Superman were still around. But, honestly, I think he’d hold his own against Supes.
His brooding anger will not be contained or deterred.
And then there’s the Witch! - who took out armies and super-powered groups (who's goal is to stop people like her) with little trouble.
She got a lil banged up here and there, but everybody can’t get that I-never-bleed clause into their contract, like The Rock :)
They're both kinda murderous though, right?? Not something that your rambling praphit wants to promote with #1 honors.
The big difference is their motivations:
BA didn't ask to be around in the present; he was set free by some dumbass Tomb Raider-wannabes, with a lust for power.
Black Adam is more like an emotionally wounded grizzly. You see it, it comes up to you and tells you to get out of the way.
If you don't, it'll murder you... and that's kinda your fault.
The Witch is a straight up bully. She's trying to reclaim her "family" (that she magically created while torturing a whole community btw), and she doesn't care who has to die in the process; especially not some lil Puerto Rican girl (America Chavez).
No bullies allowed at the top... unless they're complex, and their fury can be rationalized... and they're played by The Rock.
