can you explain what you meant by 'amorous aromantic'? it sounds kinda counterintuitive Im was just wondering if you could elaborate on that somehow
Edit: Several people have pointed out that the way I’m using “amorous” in the below post to define an identity makes it very confusing to use in conjuction with “nonamory” which is a relationship model and not an identity. I’ll work on a revised edition of this post with a new term. In the meantime, any suggestions for a different term besides “amorous aromantic”? My original post starts below.
An amorous aromantic person strongly desires affection or emotional intimacy or otherwise feels that affection or intimacy are very important to them, and does not experience romantic attraction and may experience romance repulsion. Like most queer experiences, this is going to be different for every individual, and experiences of affection or desires for affection can have complicated interactions with romance repulsion. Many amorous aros want intimate relationships or are favorable to intimate relationships, and these relationships can follow any model, whether that’s friendship, romance, QPR, alterous, relationship anarchy, or something else, and some amorous aros are uninterested in committed relationships.
It’s important to make sure that the definition of amorous aromantic includes people who want affection without committed relationships, and doesn’t reinforce amatonormative narratives about friendships or nonamorous relationships being lesser than intimate relationships. Amorous aro solidarity with nonamorous aros is very important, and respectability politics should be avoided.
My experience of being amorous aromantic is that I want my closest personal relationships to have strong components of emotional intimacy in them, and preferably to feature regular physical affection as a foundation of the relationship. I don’t feel a distinction between what kinds of physical intimacy I’d like to share in specific relationships. I don’t reserve any particular kind of affection for any particular model of relationship or for any one partner. Basically if I love someone strongly enough, I’m interested in expressing that love through hugging, cuddling, grooming, sleeping together, and possibly kissing or sex. These things are culturally coded as romantic, but to me there is nothing inherently romantic or platonic about them. In fact, for me, a robust and committed emotional bond is a much stronger impetus to show affection through cuddling or kissing or sex than attraction is. Of course, there are huge taboos about this kind of behavior among friends in American culture, and my allo friends don’t want to break those taboos, so I try to respect those cultural boundaries even though they don’t make sense to me. Wishing my friendships with allos featured more physical intimacy is a pretty strong part of my experience of being amorous aromantic.
Affection doesn’t have to be physical, it’s just what I prefer. Affection can also be words of affirmation, gifts, spending time together, helping each other, or other things. My alterous partner and I intersperse lots of affirmation of each other throughout our conversations each day, saying things like “good job on finishing your errands today” and “I’m really happy to see you again!” even though we plan on talking to each other every day. We say “I love you” frequently, and sometimes explain why we love each other, or state specific things we are admiring about each other. We play games as a way to spend time together. Shared hobbies are a great way to develop emotional intimacy with someone. I also love cooking food for the people I love, or giving them gifts of food.
Romance repulsion can be tricky, but it’s definitely possible to deal with romance repulsion as an amorous aro. Some aros find the phrase “I love you” to be very repulsive, but that can be avoided. I feel repulsed by common romantic pet names like “honey” and “dear” and especially “baby”, so I ask my partners not to use those. Many aros, especially trans aros, may not like strongly gendered terms like “beautiful” or “handsome”, and sex-repulsed aros might not like terms with sexual connotations. As always, it’s important to talk with the people you’re being affectionate with and find out what works for them.
