to the girl i gave a lot of myself for,
when we first met, it took me weeks to get the courage to tell you i was asexual and those same weeks were the worst ones of my last year because they scared the shit out of me. you may be asking why, and here is the answer i should've told you months ago:
being asexual is 100% part of who i am, E, but the desire to be accepted also is and the society rules and expectations where the 'normativity' is concerned is one of the monsters under my bed. i wanted you to accept me and i wanted to tell the world i was someone acceptable and then i told you. hands shaking, words aggressively, nervously and anxiously being typed on my keyboard. those three special words. i am asexual. i am asexual. i am asexual. i was expecting space to talk, i was expecting: 'hey, can you tell me a little bit more about that?' but i got one 'it's ok'. it is ok. and i thought: 'well. that's good, right? that's great.' and 'she said ok' like ok was a prize, like it was golden shiny ticket to heaven. and those words kept turning over and over inside my brain: 'it's ok. it's ok. everything is ok between us.' back then i didn't thought what i do now: that it didn't need to be ok because there was nothing wrong to be fine afterwards. that i wasn't asking for authorization for you to say that everything was going well between us. i wasn't, but you made me feel otherwise and, before, getting an ok was all i wanted, was all i thought i could ever get and it was big, something to be proud of. it was like you were holding my hands and saying that it is was ok for me to breathe when it wasn't ok, it was a simple right.
that was the only time we talked about this, though. the only one. like it was something forgettable, something small. your thoughts and conversations with sexual connotations had me screaming internally, anxious and afraid of saying the wrong thing. but you accepted me and this was expected, right? i could deal with this. we were... god, we were dating. this was normal even though i didn't like normal and it was my real first time trying and hell, how i tried for you. how i would googled everything i was supposed to say and how i was supposed to react and how google was always wrong and why was i being so cruel to myself and hey this isn't about me, it's about us and also should i say you are hot should i say i want to touch your body should i want you to touch mine should i have felt something when you said those things about me about how you thought i would taste like should i have felt excited should i lie should i tell the truth but i had told you the truth already- my head was screaming but then it was normal, it was the rule but it was the rule only because i hadn't anything or anyone to compare us with and you were my friend and i wanted to keep being friends so, so bad that i would accept you too.
but it still hurt when you sent me those pictures and it gave a panic attack when i saw them because i didn't want you to feel bad about yourself because i couldn't feel anything. the problem wasn't you but i simply couldn't understand that the problem wasn't me either. i was submitting myself to so, so much, though and i sent you a picture back because i seriously thought i should, like it was an obligation while being in a relationship. i don't understand much about sex and i didn't about relationships either, but i wouldn't get that innuendo until later. so much later.
and then, one time you told me that we were like friends instead of girlfriends. i didn't see it as a bad thing until you told me it was a bad thing. because we didn't have sex? because i didn't feel comfortable talking about it where i was the main subject? for the first time i thought, hell, if this is how a relationship is supposed to be like, then i would like to have you as my friend again. because when you told me i should ask the big question i thought: we are already so good it would only get better... even though i kept forgetting to call you love and sweetheart, even though i told you i wouldn't feel comfortable holding hands, even though you said i talked a lot about things that weren't about us, even though i started googleing things again: how do girlfriends act together how can i be more romantic what is supposed be like being in a relationship how to know if you are really in love should i hold her hand when am i supposed to say i love you what is the difference between friend and a romantic partner and so on for infinity: how, what, when, why, should i, can i...
even though i was still the same and the same me wasn't girlfriend material to you. but what is a relationship if not being friends with another title on top of it? then i noticed that i did it because you thought we should. i did it because i thought we had such a fun time together and i liked you and if you wanted it, then i could too because you had accepted me, i should be happy, it wasn't an effort, it just was. you said you liked me but me liking you wasn't enough. but how could it not be enough if it was so much? how could you say that yes, it was, but in the wrong direction? how should i know it has different ways to go? i only knew one, i only had one and it was fine until you told me it wasn't. would it be like this with everyone? would all my friends think the same about me? the way i learned to like and love was bad, not enough?
i got the first real hint that i didn't really know what the normal romantic attraction was even though google had said it to me in those bold, scary letters. i didn't understand, i didn't feel it. you had levels, i didn't. you had different directions and pathways, i don't. my feelings aren't leveled like yours. my more is more. your more is changeable, your more has titles i don't care to have. in your head, a romantic relationship matters more than friendship, in mine, it doesn't. i thought there was something missing inside me. not because they you thought was bad, but because you made me think that mine was.
i got distracted. i put distance between us. you kept asking why i was acting weird. what was wrong.
i found a new word, then. i hugged like a mom bear and i wouldn't let it go and i wouldn't let you know. because i gave something to you and you treated it so badly that it made me afraid when i took it back. because it was mine, because it was me. because you ignored it for so long.
we broke up because i wasn't ready nor stable to be in a relationship. i didn't tell the truth. not before, not now. you are not the problem, i guess. but i am not either. it's hard to believe sometimes, but i am trying so fucking hard. i swear. you made too much damage, though. about what i deserve and should accept. i wasn't supposed to be 'accepted' by someone because of my orientation, i should only be supported and that's all. but i was so young, i wanted it so bad and i didn't know anything else.
i know now, yes, but i'm still afraid of saying it out loud sometimes. sorry for being a bad girlfriend but i am still waiting for you to say sorry for everything you did, intentionally or not, that hurt me, that made me question myself and my mind and my feelings and who i am.
i found important friends. i keep them close. they try to understand. they let me talk. they give me space and i take it. i keep it close. thought you should now.
elsie.
