People don't realize that just writing for yourself change nothing. People won't even read fanfic without romance and porn because it's all they care about. They say that fandom is only about that.
And honestly I gave up the idea of writing with also the desire to find other like me.
I'm done now. I will write for myself. I should learn to not expect anyone to read it, to not have it published, because to people another alternative than what they obsess on isn't worth it
Amatonormativity make us all suffer but they love this pain, so just fuck them honestly.
I know that with time I sound more and more bitter but so what?
I just want to do it for me now. It's my point of view. People are totally free to depict characters who don't feel romance or sexual desire as robots you need to fix or evil being beyond repair, I don't care about what anyone could feel about how I see them
Not like any of them will read it anyway
I have enough to have part of my identity trampled. I already suffer from other things, I'm pissed at the world which will never let me a place anywhere.
Don't be sorry... Tbh you're very valid for that, and... Yeah, it's the kind of impossible balance that people who aren't in our situation will never understand to such a degree, I fear. The aphobia is rampant and the erasure of so many things is just like... Baked in at this point.
I'm so sorry though. It fucking sucks. If anything at all, as like... Far from ideal as it is, I hope your writing can still bring you joy somehow. If anything at all, that remains the most important thing.
JURISDICTION: It’s feelings realization, your honor.
PAIRING: Jin Ling/Lan Sizhui
SIDE CHARACTERS: Lan Jingyi, unnamed town girls
ELEMENTS: Town setting, canon universe, first kiss, Jin Ling POV, internal monologue, awkward juniors being awkward because feelings are confusing~
•
He doesn’t ask what’s wrong with himself because it’s obvious now—why he doesn’t know how to talk to girls, why it bothers him to see Lan Sizhui so natural at it, why it hurts so much to walk away from him.
Stupidly perfect, charming Lan Sizhui.
•
In which Jin Ling is bad at feelings, Lan Sizhui’s ‘people-pleasing’ is mistaken as flirting and both discover the magic of (young and awkward) communication.
{ AO3 }
🍁
Jin Ling doesn’t know how to talk to girls.
In fact, he’s better at scaring them away more than anything. Lan Jingyi doesn’t know how to talk to girls either, which makes Jin Ling feel better knowing there’s someone equally as hopeless as him—and let’s face it, it would be devastatingly embarrassing if Lan Jingyi out of all people were better at courting than him.
The thing is, no matter how much Lan Jingyi sucks at talking to girls, he still seems to enjoy it.
Jin Ling doesn’t.
And because of this, he feels like there’s something wrong with him beyond terrible social skills. That’s why, when he sees Lan Sizhui easily talking to girls as though it’s second nature, he experiences a crushing mix of jealousy and despair.
Jealousy because he’s better than Jin Ling at something? Maybe. Despair for the same reason? Possibly. But Jin Ling doesn’t even like talking to girls, or other people in general, so this reasoning doesn’t quite make sense.
They’re at the docks of a new town, going through the same routine as usual: a flock of girls their age oohs and ahhs at the young cultivators of the esteemed Lan clan, then swarms Lan Sizhui in particular—all batting eyelashes and playful smiles as they bombard him with questions.
And Lan Sizhui, a gentleman to a fault, humors them, laughs with them, matches their smiles in all the right ways at all the right times, making the group of pretty young girls swoon.
But it isn’t fair because Lan Sizhui’s smile could make anyone swoon, including Jin Ling—Wait, he thinks, What?!
Jin Ling glances at Lan Jingyi who definitely isn’t swooning and, instead, is dreamily staring at (and salivating over) the contents of a nearby food stall.
The fishermen are tending to their catches, the shopkeepers are peddling their wares, the children are chasing each other around the docks. No one is swooning over Lan Sizhui’s handsome smile except the girls… and Jin Ling.
He digs his nails into his hand to bring himself back to his senses. What the hell is wrong with me?
One of the girls makes Lan Sizhui laugh—a beautiful, carefree, genuine laugh—and Jin Ling’s heart drops.
Stupidly perfect, charming Lan Sizhui.
•
The three young cultivators stop at a tea house, still accompanied by the giggling group of girls who insist on showing them around.
They take their seats inside and Jin Ling scrunches his nose at the way the girls strategically position themselves on both sides of Lan Sizhui. Not even Lan Jingyi is given the chance to claim a seat next to his best friend.
Lan Sizhui graciously pours everyone tea while the girls argue about who gets to pour his. Lan Jingyi clings onto the conversation by telling unprompted jokes and Jin Ling tries to drown out the noise by lazily resting his cheek on his fist and staring at the wall.
Half an hour goes by in what seems like seconds and Jin Ling hasn’t spoken a word. No one seems to notice his silence or the very clear boredom and annoyance plastered on his face.
He suddenly stands up and smooths his hands over his robes. “I’m going for a walk.”
“Wait,” Lan Sizhui calls, his face swimming with something Jin Ling can’t quite place. Worry? Anxiety?
“I’ll go with you,” he says, trying to stand up but the girls suddenly whine and paw at his robes, tugging him back down to his seat.
Jin Ling rolls his eyes at the pathetic sight. “Don’t bother. I won’t be gone long anyway.”
Lan Sizhui frowns and Jin Ling doesn’t understand why. Surely, if Wei Wuxian were here, he’d be egging the Lan boy on, telling him how proud he is, how Lan Sizhui is such a heartbreaker (because my god, is he ever).
Without another word, Jin Ling reluctantly tears his gaze from Lan Sizhui, walks out of the tea house and into the street. His head pounds, his heart aches, the world drains of color.
He doesn’t ask what’s wrong with himself because it’s obvious now—why he doesn’t know how to talk to girls, why it bothers him to see Lan Sizhui so natural at it, why it hurts so much to walk away from him.
Stupidly perfect, charming Lan Sizhui.
•
Jin Ling sits on a crescent moon bridge in a spacious garden, idly dipping a cattail stalk into the pond below and watching as a colorful spectrum of koi fish nip at what they think is food.
The town’s bustle and noise is muffled enough that he can finally hear himself think. No one else is in the garden but him and he hopes it stays that way.
The problem is, he doesn’t know what to think about. He doesn’t know if thinking is even worth it.
All he knows is that he wants to be alone. He hates to be alone. He hates him. He wants him. He wants, he hates, he—
“Young Master Jin?”
The cattail falls into the pond and Jin Ling’s chest fills with light. He looks up at Lan Sizhui, at his starlight skin shaming the sun, at his soft, downturned lips parted with visible worry, at his raven hair dusting the top of his gentle amethyst eyes.
He hates him.
“May I sit?” Lan Sizhui asks, a sheepish smile on his face.
No, Jin Ling thinks as he looks back down at the pond and scoots over. Lan Sizhui sits next to him and curiously stares down at the koi fish.
“Where’s your entourage?” Jin Ling asks, trying to sound as disinterested as possible.
“Oh,” Lan Sizhui smiles, “I left them with Jingyi at the tea house.”
Jin Ling huffs, his bangs fluttering forward like a curtain. “I can’t tell if that’s a blessing or a curse.”
A soft chuckle escapes Lan Sizhui’s lips, low and sweet like chimes in the wind. Jin Ling draws his knees up to his chest and plants his chin between them, hugging his shins.
He wants him.
“They didn’t seem to mind,” Lan Sizhui assures, “And I was worried about you. I wanted to find you and apologize—“
Jin Ling snaps his head up and stares at him. “Huh? For what?”
“For neglecting you at the tea house,” Lan Sizhui frowns, regret flooding his voice. “I was trying to be polite to the girls, but…” He thinks for a moment then shakes his head. “That’s not an excuse to ignore my friends. I’m sorry.”
Jin Ling wants to keep being angry but his heart betrays him. Because Lan Sizhui is looking directly into his eyes, because his apology is earnest and true, because he’s genuinely afraid he hurt Jin Ling’s feelings.
And he did. He did.
So why can’t Jin Ling stay mad at him? He’s horrified by the words that seem to subconsciously spill out of his mouth. “It’s okay.”
But it’s not okay and they both know it. Lan Sizhui knows it by looking at Jin Ling, and Jin Ling knows it by the way Lan Sizhui makes him feel like his heart’s been thrown into a furnace full of fireworks.
He hates him.
“You talk to a lot of girls,” Jin Ling quietly mumbles, almost hoping Lan Sizhui won’t hear him. “Don’t you like any of them?”
Lan Sizhui’s a bit taken aback by the question but ponders it for a moment before replying, “It’s important to show others courtesy and respect. When someone talks to me, I acknowledge them because it’s the polite thing to do.”
“Lan sect rules?” Jin Ling teases.
Lan Sizhui laughs. “Human rules.”
Jin Ling suddenly wonders if maybe he’s not bad at talking to people. Maybe he’s just bad at being human.
“If you really want to know,” Lan Sizhui starts, “I can’t like someone in… that way if I’ve only just met them. I have to be friends with them first.”
Heat invades Jin Ling’s cheeks and he hugs his knees tighter while recalling Lan Sizhui’s words from earlier: ‘That’s not an excuse to ignore my friends.’
Could he mean…? Maybe…?
Jin Ling mentally curses at himself. Don’t be stupid. “Then… do you like any of your friends?”
You absolute idiot.
Lan Sizhui blushes and Jin Ling can’t look at him because if he looks at him, he’ll crack and say too much and ruin everything and—
“Yes,” Lan Sizhui answers.
He wants him.
“And… and I hope he likes me too.”
He.
The silence between them is deafening, terrifying, revealing. The type of silence words can’t fill but actions can.
It’s too much and Jin Ling caves. He’s looking at him now. Amber eyes burn in the violet reflection of Lan Sizhui’s intense, hopeful stare.
this is very late. But fill for @dc-aspec-week day 1, my only fic for the week:
"Kyle, I Can't--"
Rating: M
Ship: Kyle Rayner/Connor Hawke
Length: 1k
For Taxis' 366 Day 294, whumptober day 20, and dc aspec week day 1: EMOTIONAL ANGST: Shoulder to Cry On | Giving Permission to Die | "It's not your fault."
Connor can't understand why he can't be sexual like the rest of his family and his boyfriend. Kyle assures him they can work things out.
A speculative fic that takes place during season 5. Canon non compliant if you will
Colin paced the library room and nibbled on his fingernail. Nandor glanced up at him from his book. He hadn't seen Colin this stressed out in a long time. It was a generally easygoing creature who didn't get fussy about most things. He was the type not to question bizzare circumstances and just kept on trucking but today he seemed on edge. Nandor shook his head and spoke up, "Colin Robinson I cannot focus on my literature with your pacing around."
He stopped in front of Nandor.
"Sorry." He muttered. Nandor raised his eyebrows, the fact that he was genuinely anxious about something and not purposely pacing to get a rise out of him caught his interest.
"Well are you going to tell me about it or are you going to keep it to yourself?" Nandor took off his reading glasses and placed the bookmark string into place before setting the book aside.
"I made a mistake. Big. Huge. And I can't even remember doing it!" Colin rubbed his temple with his hand.
"Because you where drunk?"
"Because I was in adolescence." He grumbles.
"Ohhh dear." Nador practically sang out.
"I gave The Guide this stupid CD with a music playlist and suggested we should 'hang out'." He groaned into his hands, his cheeks were pink. He looked to Nandor, "I can't believe I said 'hang out'."
"I use the word hang out." Nandor said disappointed.
"Well, no offense but- oh." He he sat st the couch.
Nadja walked in and looked at Colin,
"What's it's deal?"
"He gave The Guide this cee dee and now he's embarrassed."
"Oh that?? Pff, that was only a little awkward." She waved her hands at Colin.
It stood up and charged at her, "Why did you let me do that!?"
"I don't know?" She shrugged. He let out an exasperated sigh.
"It's not a big deal, it was just a little crush you had during adolescence. Nothing more. Why worry about it."
Nandor's eyes widened and he grinned. Colin pointed at him. "No."
"Colin Robinson. . ."
"No! Stop."
"Why would this bother you if you didn't have feelings for The Guide?"
Colin sucked in, hollowing his cheeks and crossed his arms.
"The lady doth protest too much," Nandor teased at it and stood up.
"Why would anyone have feelings for the guide? She's just pathetic."
"You're one to speak," Colin scoffed.
"Oh you shut up!" Nadja waved her hands and hid her face. She walked out of the room flustered.
Colin was left alone with Nandor.
"Colin?"
He turned away from Nandor.
"Do you?"
Colin rubbed the back off his leg with his foot and fidgeted with the bottom of it's sweater.
"Do you have feelings for the guide?"
"I don't know." Colin relaxed his shoulders and slumped down into the couch.
"You don't know?"
"Well she's pretty, obviously. She's cute. She's a cute girl but I don't know. I'm not attracted to her. I suppose there's a chance I could be sexually attracted to her overtime if I get to know her better. I don't know if I feel amorous towards her. What if I just want to be her friend and it's not a crush? I don't want to lead her just for her to be heartbroken. I don't want to make her cry that's the last thing I want. It could be aesthetic attraction. Or maybe I'm just attracted to her intelligence or her presence. It could be just alterous attraction and not romantic attraction. I could be completely misreading my feelings-"
"Colin Robinson what the fuck are you talking about??" Nandor interjected.
"I don't know what am feeling!"
"Why are you obsessed with putting a label on your feelings?" He narrowed his eyes confused.
Colin bit his lip and shrugged, "I don't want to be wrong."
"Why waste time on that shit instead of just talking to her?"
"That's scary. What if she doesn't like me?"
"You don't know that."
"Exactly! That's why I'm scared."
Nandor huffed and grabbed its face, "Stop thinking. Stop it." Colin looked at his mouth.
"But-"
"No. No. Don't think about it. Don't think. You are overthinking it. What do you want to do with her,"
"But I don't know-"
"You don't need to label it, just tell me what it is you want."
Colin leaned forward against Nandor's hands with his arms dangling and sighed, "I- I want to hold her hand." He admitted. "I want to make her smile and hug her."
"Then offer her those things and see where it goes."
"Okay."
"Okay," Nandor let Colin's face go as he stood up straight once again.
"Nandor you're not a complete idiot sometimes."
Nandor scowled, "Is that supposed to be a compliment?"
Colin hummed a laugh and left the library, thinking about the Guide's eyes and how they sparkled when she smiled.
