#bpd numb

[burned0utstar]

I can feel it getting worse again. Or maybe it was never better? I am good at pretending after all.

Whatever it is, I fear it will consume me. I fear I might not wake up anymore.

I fear life is just this.

[ash-muncher]

bpd things: being so upset that you’re in physical PAIN

[ash-muncher]

if i get my feelings hurt or made to feel unwanted i will lash out badly

[ash-muncher]

do you ever truly let your first favorite person go?

[ash-muncher]

i feel so guilty for having bpd and having symptoms

[ash-muncher]

i truly need to learn to stop giving everything bc i never get the same energy and then end up empty

[ash-muncher]

i wonder if anyone will ever love me as much as i love them?

[ash-muncher]

do you remember the first time?? when you were 14 you fell in love with an older boy made of jagged edges and lanky limps.. he was filled with such rage and wanted the world to pay for the pain it caused. he understood your pain and the hate you held in your heart for the people who bullied you. left and came back. he never told you he loved you. he wrote fucked up poetry about how he hated you and wanted to watch you bleed. you were innocent then.. you were just a kid.. you didn’t know how love was suppose to be but you knew that boys wanted sex and it would make them love you or so you thought.. the first time was consensual you wanted him to love you back, you wanted to do something to make you close to make him want to stick around. somehow everything got so fucked up. he started to fill your head with lies, he would tell you one thing but then switch it up once you reacted. you got gaslit so much you started to doubt yourself if what you thought was even true. when the sex everyday started... it hurt... you would bleed EVERY SINGLE TIME. it would hurt HORRIBLY...it became a routine: you’d come home from school ->he would be outside of your house -> you’d go to your room -> you’d get completely naked -> lay down and let him get on top of you -> you’d cry and just lay there -> sometimes cry for him to stop -> dissociate til he was done -> he would get dressed and leave -> you’d lay crying til later. it was about three months of this til one day he did this routine but didnt talk to me for three days straight and that’s what finally got me to break up and not go back. THE SECOND TIME i fell in love was a year later when i was 16 but i had much more in common with this boy... he was locked away from everyone and he made me fall so deeply in love with him. he knew the feel of anxiety too well he knew what it felt like to wanna be away from everything and everyone. we made a little nook away from the world in his room. he would be there with little will to do the bare minimum and i helped me i made it my mission in life to help him and i swore i’d never stop taking care of him. his friends were a horrible topic bc they were the reason i had lost everything. he didnt know how it felt to be loved.. i did everything from declarations of love, to love letters, to gifts, to always be available, to matching tattoos. he loved me in his way.. he wrote me letters back, he would make me playlists, he would write me songs.this one was the first one to get so deep under my skin. 4 years of my life. 4 years of up and downs. we couldn’t leave each other alone. he might be the person who knows me best, he might be the only person who i could TRULY be myself with but he was also the person who made me question my worth. he cheated, he lied, came and left as he pleased, he knew the power he held over me, he knew i would always forgive him.. we were just dumb teenagers when we met and we ended when we turned 20. it ended over something as stupid as lack of sex..it seemed like after all the shit he put me through this was the thing that finally toppled it over..you would think after the whole letting my first boyfriend use me for my body i wouldnt want sex but somehow it just made me hypersexual. took me alot of bullshit to finally get to a place where i could stay away from this one. i SWORE i wasnt going to do relationship for a long time after this and i was going to be single and go crazy. show the world who Ash is when shes not crying over a man. i smoked and i drank, i used men for validation, i tried to get comfortable with being alone and jesus my bpd didnt make it easy. i still had hope i mean i was a hopeless romantic since forever. i’ve ran away to love books and movies letting my head be filled with ideas and expectations. expecting a true love and promise of forever but always seeming to be the girl who gets left. at this stage in my life i was vulnerable. i was just waiting for the real love of my life to show up.... when i met this last one.. and he left too.