𝐆𝐨𝐨𝐝𝐛𝐲𝐞 𝐅𝐨𝐫 𝐀 𝐋𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐥𝐞 𝐖𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝐏𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 : 𝐍𝐚𝐦𝐣𝐨𝐨𝐧 𝐱 𝐅!𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐆𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞 : 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐯𝐲 𝐀𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭 𝐓𝐖 : 𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐡𝐞𝐝 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 ; 𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐚𝐠𝐞 ; 𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐧 ; 𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐢𝐬𝐦 ; 𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐚𝐥 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐞 ; 𝐟𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 ; 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐯𝐲 𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 ; 𝐜𝐚𝐫 𝐚𝐜𝐜𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐭 ; 𝐡𝐨𝐬𝐩𝐢𝐭𝐚𝐥 𝐬𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 ; 𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐨𝐟 𝐈𝐕'𝐬 ; 𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐮𝐛𝐞𝐬/𝐯𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐬 ; 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐢𝐧𝐣𝐮𝐫𝐲 ; 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐯𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭 ; 𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 : 𝟔.𝟓𝐤
𝐀/𝐍 𝟏 : 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐬 𝐩𝐮𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐲 𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐭 𝐢𝐧 𝐧𝐨 𝐰𝐚𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬 𝐰𝐡𝐨/𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐍𝐚𝐦𝐣𝐨𝐨𝐧 𝐢𝐬 𝐚𝐬 𝐚 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧. 𝐀/𝐍 𝟐 : 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐨𝐟 𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐢𝐬𝐦 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐟𝐢𝐜 𝐢𝐬 𝐡𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐥𝐲 𝐛𝐚𝐬𝐞𝐝 𝐨𝐟𝐟 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐲 𝐧𝐞𝐩𝐡𝐞𝐰 𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐡𝐚𝐬 𝐥𝐨𝐰-𝐟𝐮𝐧𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐢𝐬𝐦 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐚 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐭𝐬 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐦𝐲 𝐬𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐢𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐦 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐡𝐚𝐬 𝐒𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐲 𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐜𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐃𝐢𝐬𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐞𝐫. 𝐏𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐞 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐈'𝐦 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐈 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐨𝐟 𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐢𝐬𝐦 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐦 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐈'𝐯𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐞𝐧. 𝐀𝐥𝐥 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐢𝐬𝐦 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐚𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐭𝐬 𝐝𝐮𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐰𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐦 𝐢𝐬, 𝐬𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐧𝐨 𝐰𝐚𝐲 𝐚 𝐫𝐞𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐨𝐟 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐢𝐬𝐦. 𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮.
“You really can’t make it?” You whispered, your eyes constantly glancing to the bottom of the bedroom door to make sure two tiny feet wouldn’t show up to listen in. It was tough to keep your voice down, especially considering how upset you were becoming with your husband's constant last minute cancellations of plans that had been in effect for months. “We talked about this… you promised him that you’d be able to make it too.” You hissed as you pointed to the door, once again making sure your son hadn’t overheard the silent argument.
Namjoon ran a hand through his hair as he moved further into the room, dropping down onto the edge of the bed. “You really think I find enjoyment in letting you down, in letting him down?” He huffed, falling back onto the bed with his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose, his eyes squeezing shut to try to block out the agitation he was feeling.
“Kind of seems like that.” You retorted, your jaw clenched with your own agitation at just another family trip that would be soiled by Namjoons cancellation. “I might as well just be a single mother at this point with how much you’re gone… You said that things would be slowing down, that you’d be able to make it this time around.” You scoffed, shaking your head as you rolled your eyes, not specifically at him, but at the circumstances in general. “It’s ridiculous.”
He groaned loudly, letting both of his hands fall over his face, dragging them down as a loud sigh escaped his lips. “You make it seem like I do this shit on purpose. Not just seem though, it’s like you actually believe that I’m this much of an asshole.” He pushed himself up, his back ramrod straight as he stared at you. “Do you actually believe that?”
Pursing your lips, you shrugged your shoulders, exasperated at everything at this point. “I don’t know, Namjoon. All I do know is that this trip has been planned weeks and weeks in advance, it’s on the calendar, our son… your son was so excited to finally take a family vacation with you and you just… You drop this on me the night before we have to go. God I…” You took a deep breath, wanting to pull your hair out, wanting to scream, but not wanting to upset your son in the process. “I hate you sometimes…” Slowly exhaling, your tongue in your cheek as you looked between him and the door, you let out an exhausted chuckle. “We’re leaving early, I’m sleeping in his room tonight. Don’t bother trying to wake up in time to catch us, I’d rather him not be upset on the way out.” You said, trying your best to stay calm and collected, swallowing back the anger that threatened to swallow you entirely.
“You know, I told you… I told you that things would get difficult, that my life was hectic and I wouldn’t always have time.” His defense was strong, or so he thought, but his rebuttal only had you more disgusted, cursing yourself for even marrying him at this point. “You said that you’d support me, that you’d stand by me no matter what. You weren’t so upset to get hitched when I was raking in the cash, were you?” His assumption and low blow had you whipping around, your finger pointed at him on the bed as tears of anger built in the corners of your eyes, your entire body trembling with rage.
“Don’t… Don’t you dare try to throw all this shit back up in my face like it’s my fault!” You shouted, completely forgetting about your son who was in the other room. “I did stand by you, I supported you every fucking chance that I got! I gave up my entire life for you! I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t go anywhere. Any semblance of normalcy that I once had, it was gone, but I dealt with it for you!” You seethed at him, your fingers gripping the edges of your shirt, worried that if you didn’t have something to keep yourself grounded you’d end up doing something that you’d regret. “For the past eight years… Eight fucking years, Namjoon, I wasn’t me, I was just some fucking extension of you, and I dealt with it, because I thought that… hey, maybe it’ll all get better as soon as his career starts dwindling down. But no! For some fucking reason it just keeps getting worse.” You took a shaky breath, your nose sniffling as you looked at your husband through glossy eyes. “And now… Now our son who just wanted to have some time with his family, which he for some reason thinks still includes you, now he’s going to be let down… Again. I’m tired of letting him down… But you wouldn’t understand that because you never have to be the one to tell him that you can’t make it. It’s never you.” Your head fell back as you let out a heavy sigh, running your hands over your face, gasping quietly in disbelief at everything that was going on right now. “Do you even know him?” You questioned him, watching as his eyes narrowed at you quizzically.
“What do you mean? Of course I know my son, what kind of stupid question is that?” He scoffed at your question, shaking his head as he looked at you.
“What’s he like? What’s his favorite color? What bedtime story does he like, what’s his favorite food, what’s his favorite movie, show, song, toy? What do you know about him?!” Namjoon shook his head once more, clearly finding your sudden questionnaire ridiculous and foolish, but it only further proved your point. “You walk around like you’re father of the year to a kid that you don’t even know.”
He threw his hands up, his annoyance spilling over in the tone of his voice. “What do you want me to say, Y/N?! I’m sorry I’m busy, I’m sorry that I have a job to do! I mean… How the hell am I even supposed to know what he likes?! He’s six years old and he hasn’t spoken a word! How is that my fault?!”
You were at a loss for words, seeing red as you looked at the man on the bed, the man that you felt like you didn’t even know anymore. He didn’t know the half of what you’ve dealt with the past four years, the absolute hell that you were put through trying to raise your son on your own. “I never said it was your fault!” You screamed, your chest rising and falling heavily as your teeth gritted together. “You didn’t even take the time to try to get to know him, you’re embarrassed by him! That’s why you feel no shame in doing what you’re doing, what you always do!” You pulled the rings off your finger, throwing them across the room, the action exhilarating and almost liberating in a way. “It’s always about you! It always has been and always will be! God forbid the fucking world knows that Kim Namjoon has a child with autism!”
His glare was deadly as he looked between you and where the rings had landed on the floor, his own fingers yanking off the ring that you had placed there on the day of your wedding. “That’s really what you think?! That I don’t love my son?! You’re ridiculous, Y/N! You’re putting words in my mouth!”
“I’ve known how you felt for a while… I saw the way you’d look at him when you’d come home, you wouldn’t even acknowledge him once he got the diagnosis. You won’t even let the guys around him… You haven’t even told your parents what’s going on, you’re ashamed!” You had been pacing the room, stopping once more at the door, your hand on the knob. “He didn’t ask for this either… He fought from the day he was born… And to have his own father turn his back on him… I couldn’t imagine the way that makes him feel. You know… Just because he can’t say it, doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel it… I just want you to remember that.” There was nothing left for you to say, and the silence that followed after you had finished showed that he had nothing to say either. It was done, and the entire argument had left you exhausted, both physically and mentally and all you wanted to do was lay in bed next to your son and hold him, to let him know that not everyone had given up on him, that you’d always be there.
Your son grunted loudly as he pulled against your hand, trying to lead you into the bedroom where Namjoon was sleeping. “Honey… He’s not coming… He can’t… I’m sorry.” You whispered, pausing in the middle of the hallway to lower yourself to his level, brushing your fingers through his hair, trying to soothe him as he stomped his feet on the ground. “I know… I know… Shhh, honey, it’s okay…” You kissed his forehead before lifting him up, trying to hide the tears that were building on your lashes. “We’re gonna go on a plane… You like planes.” You murmured, trying to keep your tone steady as you wheeled your luggage through the hallway, not wanting your son to hear just how much you were struggling. “And we’re gonna go see Mickey Mouse, you love Mickey Mouse.”
He grunted again, this time a sound of approval at the mention of Mickey Mouse, clapping his hands together. His happiness was the source of your own and you sighed softly when his feet had finally stopped kicking against you, his head resting against your shoulder instead. “Wait… Y/N wait…” Namjoons voice called from behind you, his hair disheveled and his clothes a wrinkly mess as he stumbled out of the bedroom. The sound of his voice had your son turning, kicking his feet again as he reached out for his father. “Let me help…”
You couldn’t show how annoyed you were, not in front of your son, and you would never go against your son's wishes, so you swallowed back your reluctance and handed him over to Namjoon. “I told you… That you shouldn’t come out when we’re leaving… He’ll only be more upset.” You tried to keep your voice light, a smile on your face as you said it, but the smile was anything but genuine, your teeth clenched so hard that you felt a cramp starting up in your jaw. “If you’d like, you can help carry the bags to the car. I’ll carry him down.” You tried to sound cheerful, as if your marriage hadn’t practically ended last night, but the task was becoming harder and harder with each passing second.
“I love you, Namgil…” Namjoon murmured to your son, petting his own hand over your son’s hair, the tiniest trickle of a tear moving down his face as he said it. “You’re gonna have a fun time at Disney World… right? You’ll see Mickey?” Your son cheered excitedly once more at Mickey Mouse’s name, his hands clapping together on Namjoons cheeks before holding them firm, grunting quietly in frustration as his eyebrows furrowed. “What’s he doing?” Namjoon questioned, his eyes glancing over at you as you watched your son.
“He’s trying to tell you he loves you…” You said matter-of-factly, your son finally relaxing once you had let Namjoon know. “I can’t miss the flight, I booked this time specifically for him.” You added, reaching out to grab your son from Namjoon. “I have to get him on the plane before anyone else, I have to make sure he doesn’t have to use the bathroom, I have to get him in his seat and get his headphones on and make sure his movie starts up and that he’s comfortable so he doesn’t have a meltdown… People don’t take too lightly to that, so I have to go.”
Namjoon shook his head, but carefully handed your son over to you, kissing the top of his head as he did. “Why do you use commercial? You could have used the private plane, it would be way more comfortable for you and him. You wouldn’t have to worry about people complaining either… Not that they understand…” You eyed him incredulously, baffled at the nerve he had to say it that way. “I don’t understand either… Not as much as you do… But I’m trying to help here, for christ's sake, Y/N… Let me help.”
Nobody was yelling, and while you normally wouldn’t have noticed the slight raise in volume of Namjoons voice, now you could, and so could your son who was covering his ears and kicking at your sides. “Shhh… Shhh, it’s alright, honey… We’re quiet… It’s okay, we’re being quiet.” You cooed to him, rubbing circles in his back as you glared up at Namjoon. “Could you please… Just bring the bags to the car so I can get him buckled in?”
He nodded slowly, taking a deep breath as he grabbed the handles to yours and Namgils bags and carried them down the stairs and out the front door. You followed behind, still trying to soothe your son with back rubs and hair pats, his fingers gripping onto your shirt as you got him outside, practically running to your car once you were out of the house. “Let me help you buckle him in, just start up the car, I’ve got it.” Namjoon said, holding his arms out for your son, and you didn’t really feel like you had much time to spare, passing him over to Namjoon and running around to the front of the car to start the engine.
“I’m… okay…” Your son said, the sound of his voice causing you to whip around in your seat. He was holding his plush Koya out to Namjoon who seemed frozen, as still as a statue as he looked down at him. “I’m… okay….” He repeated, thrusting the stuffed animal into Namjoons hands with a wide smile. It wasn’t the first time you had actually heard him speak, but it was the first time he had used words with Namjoon, something that clearly had your husband shocked.
“Isn’t… This is your car Koya… Don’t you need him, buddy?” Namjoon asked, looking down at the plushy that was now in his hands, the tears coming more steadily now as his fingers dug into the blue koala. “You don’t need to give him to me… I’m okay too.” He tried to reassure his son, but Namgil only shook his head, kicking his feet against the seat in front of him in agitation.
“No!” He shouted, kicking his feet harder as his little hands balled up into fists. “I’m… okay! I can… talk! I’m… okay!” The words hit you like a brick, your nails digging into your legs as you bit the insides of your cheeks, anger at yourself for the argument the night before getting so out of hand that your son obviously heard it, and anger at Namjoon for having said what he did, the words clearly sticking with your son.
All you could do was shake your head, staring at Namjoon who looked like he had just been punched, and at that moment, you felt that it would have been better if he had been. “Please, shut the door… We need to get to the airport.” You whispered, trying your best not to show your son how upset you truly were. “When I get back home… I’m done… I just want you to know that so you’re not expecting anything… I’m not that kind of person.” You said, watching as Namjoon robotically shut your son's door without another word, backing away from the car so you could pull out of the driveway.
There was a sense of finality in the actions that had your eyes welling up, struggling to keep them clear so you could drive. What had happened the night before, what had happened so many times… It had all led up to this moment.
Namjoon sat on the edge of the bed, Koya held tightly in his arms as he tried to think of what to do, what he could do, as if there was something that could possibly make any of this better. As much as he wanted to believe there was something that would fix things, something that would make you come back to him, but he knows now that he’s done too much, he went too far, and not only did he hurt you, but he had hurt his son as well. He didn’t even know how he was supposed to live with himself knowing what he had done, seeing the pain that he had caused in yours and his son's eyes.
The tears had come immediately after he had stepped over the threshold into the house again and they hadn’t stopped since, the light blue fabric that was Koya had since turned a darker shade from the tears that had puddled on top of the plushies head. The rain came soon after, pouring from the sky much like his tears poured from his eyes, beating against the windows of the bedroom that felt far too large now. He could barely even see through the glass, the trees out in the front yard had disappeared behind the raindrops that covered his window and the sudden sense of panic and fear and dread that overwhelmed him when he thought of you driving in these conditions couldn’t be pushed back.
He spent the better half of the next 30 minutes straightening up the already practically spotless master bedroom, continually glancing out the window just to catch the dismal gray sky alight with the bolts of lightning that struck close by, followed by the house shaking thunder. The airport couldn’t possibly allow any of the flights to take off in this kind of weather, and while he wasn’t too fond of the idea of you and your son stuck in a crowded airport, he’d rather the two of you stay there than take your chances on the roads.
As he continued cleaning the room, a glint of light came from the foot of the bed, catching his eye immediately, causing him to drop down on his knees to pick it up. The rings that you had thrown in a fit of angry passion were still on the floor which meant that they weren’t on your fingers, the one place where he thought they’d stay for the rest of the forever that he wanted to spend with you. “I’m sorry…” He whispered, as if his apology would be heard by you, and as much as he wished it would be, he knew that the only audience he had were the 4 walls of the bedroom that he had encased himself within.
Another roaring roll of thunder seemed to have the entire foundation of the house vibrating beneath him, that vibration only continuing as his phone rang out on the nightstand beside the bed. In a hurry, he crawled across the floor that he had been sitting on, snatching his phone to answer the call before even checking the ID. “Hey, we’re canceling the meeting today, there’s no way we’re all making it to the office.” Jungkook said through the speaker, and all Namjoon could muster was a hum of agreement in response. “Bang isn’t really sure when we’ll be able to reschedule it for, so uh… Enjoy some time with Y/N and Namgil… Tell them I said hi too.”
The rings that he held in his hand felt like freshly heated silver, as if the bands were still blazing red in his palm, but he knew that it was just the heat of his own anger boiling over inside of him. Angry at himself, angry at the world, angry at everything and everyone in the world that seemed to work so hard against him. It was like the universe wanted things to work out this way, but he wouldn’t allow it to be like that, he wouldn’t allow the universe to get its way, not this time, not when it came down to you and him, not when it came down to his family.
Pushing himself up off the floor, he ran out of the bedroom and down the stairs, grabbing his keys off the keyring hook beside the door before flipping on the news. There was no reason to try to make it to the airport, to make it to you, if traffic were backed up. He would get there once the rain started to clear up, but he couldn’t risk himself and the lives of other people on the road for the sake of some romantic movie like reunion at the airport.
“The traffic isn’t looking very good if you’re heading in the direction of Incheon airport. A seven car accident has left road workers and emergency workers turning everyone around to head back home. We have no reports as of now on the status of the drivers and or passengers in these seven vehicles, although we’re hoping that they all make it out alright.” The news anchor spoke as a live view of the accident was being shown on the screen, the helicopter flying right above the sight of it and the vehicles that had been involved in the accident were almost unrecognizable. “We’ll keep you updated on the status of the crash and the people that were involved as this story develops.”
The sudden sinking feeling in Namjoons chest almost had him crumbling to the floor, and while he hadn’t been able to see the vehicles, something in him was just screaming, telling him that you and his son had been in that wreck, the thought of it sending him running to the sink in the kitchen, the urge to throw up overcoming him completely.
His legs felt like noodles, his knees weak and the constant heavy breathing had him feeling like he was going to throw up again. He didn’t know what he’d do if you and Namgil were in that crash, he didn’t even want to think about it, but as the light of the television flickered and the droning sound of the reporter filled the empty space around him, he knew that he needed to face the fact that it could be a possibility. “Breaking news now, the first car that has been pulled from the wreckage was a black 2022 Hyundai Palisade with a woman and a young boy inside. We can’t release any information on who these people are yet, but if this description sounds familiar to anyone that you know, please call in to the number at the bottom on your screen.”
Sinking, that’s what it felt like as soon as he heard it. It was like a lightswitch had been flicked on, but he didn’t want to see the contents of the room, he wanted to shut it all out, he wanted to slam the door and pretend he hadn’t seen it at all. He knew what he had to do though, and his hand, as if on its own, reached into the pocket of his jeans and pulled out his phone to dial the number, praying that it was a coincidence, praying that you and your son weren’t the ones in that car.
Guilt was the damndest thing, the way it could eat away at a person, the reasons for feeling it sometimes strange and morbid in their own way. It wasn’t exactly survivor's guilt, but that didn’t change the fact that he’d rather be dead than standing over the tiny hospital bed where his son lay connected to breathing tubes and IV’s in the ICU.
You were in the next room over, and he had to take turns walking between each room, unsure of how he was even able to manage that much. Every step he took felt like he was carrying the weight of a million pounds on his shoulders, his own breathing unsteady as he took in the image of the two people he loved most in the world, looking like they were on the verge of leaving him.
The Koya was still gripped in his arms as he walked between the rooms, the rings that you had thrown were being worn on his pinky finger, like they were the last two things connecting him to you and Namgil. “Sir, maybe you’d like to go down to the cafeteria and get something to eat or drink.” One of the nurses said as she came into the room to check you over, writing something out on her clipboard as she did. He wished that he could see it, he wished that he could see what was written, but he feared that whatever it was was something that would only make the pain he felt worse.
“They were going to Disney World…” He muttered in a raspy voice, a voice that he barely had from all the crying he had done. “I was… I was supposed to go with them… But I couldn’t…” His voice broke at the end as he clutched tighter onto the plush koala in his hands. “My son… He loves Mickey Mouse… And he loves planes. His favorite food is… is pizza… cheese pizza… And he loves apple juice. His favorite movie is… Toy Story…. And his favorite toy is… Bullseye… From the movie… That’s my boy….” The nurse nodded in understanding, although he was sure that she didn’t truly understand why he was telling her all of these things, she most likely assumed that he was just having a breakdown, and maybe he was, but he needed someone to know that he did know his son, that he did love his son.
“Sir… your son is going to be okay and so is your wife…” He glanced over to you, watching your chest rise and fall unnaturally with the help of the machine that you were hooked up to. “They’re going to be just fine, so please, go get something to eat and then get some rest, you need it.” She nodded at him before pivoting and walking out of the room and leaving Namjoon alone with his thoughts once more, the silence of the room only broken by the soft beeps of the heart monitor beside your bed.
How hypocritical it would be to get something to eat right now, when you and your son were being fed through IV’s because both your mouths were filled with tubes that helped you to breathe. He was terrified to sleep, the unknown of the future lingering above his head like the dark clouds that had filled the sky the day of the accident. He was petrified of what he’d possibly wake up to if he even tried to get a wink of sleep, and he couldn’t even fathom leaving the room to go to the cafeteria. So he didn’t… He stayed in the vicinity of the two rooms, going back and forth between them both until his legs couldn’t carry him anymore, until he broke down at the side of Namgils bed, holding onto his son's hand and silently begging him and you to be okay.
“Joon… you have to go home, get some sleep, we’ll stay here with both of them… Please… You need to look out for yourself too.” Taehyung said with Jimin murmuring in agreement right behind him, the younger members hand placed firmly on Namjoons shoulder in a sentiment of support and sympathy. “We’re worried about you…” He added, but Namjoon wasn’t having it, the words only further proved what you had said the night before all of this had happened.
“Always about me…” Namjoon muttered, shaking his head, his disheveled hair flopping around his sullen face. “I’ve looked out for myself enough… That’s all I ever did… That’s why they’re here. If… If I had gone with them… This wouldn’t have happened… Or I’d at least be going through it with them. I’ve been selfish, and I always thought that he and her would always just… be there… That she’d always put up with my shit… And now look…” A quiet sob escaped him as his forehead fell against the edge of his son's bed, a spot where he had accidentally passed out every night for the past 5 days.
“You can’t think like that.” Jimin whispered, moving to squat down beside Namjoon. “You can’t blame yourself for what happened… That storm came out of nowhere. No one had been able to predict it, and there were a lot of other accidents all over the area…” Words of what seemed like an attempt to be reassurance fell upon deaf ears as Namjoon continued to shake his head, weeping into the bedside. “Y/N wouldn’t want you to beat yourself up over this, and neither would he… If you’re not going to go home, at least grab something to eat and take a nap on the couch. You couldn’t possibly be comfortable right now…”
“And who am I to enjoy the luxury of comfort when my wife and son have tubes shoved down their throats because they can’t even breathe on their own? Surely they’re not comfortable right now, so why should I be?” He took a shaky breath, letting it out slowly before turning to look at the two men who had become brothers to him, his eyes blotchy, red and puffy from the countless tears that had spilled from them. “I just want them to be okay…” He practically whimpered, curling into himself as he broke down once again, both of the guys falling to the floor beside him and holding onto him, a last ditch effort to hold together the man that had been their leader for so long.
“Mmph…” You groaned as you shifted your body to climb out of the car, one hand holding onto the handle as your other hand worked to push you from the seat. You didn’t remember much, all you could remember was the fear that squeezed you like a vice grip as you tried to control your car from plowing into the two others that had already crashed in front of you. All that had run through your head was your son, wanting nothing more to protect him and hoping, praying that he had been strapped in well enough in his booster seat that he would be okay.
The two of you had been okay, that was the crazy thing, you had pumped the brakes enough that when you hit the car in front of you, it hadn’t even been hard enough to leave much more than a small scratch in your fender. It wasn’t your initial crash that had been the problem, it was the four other cars that had come behind you, and somehow your car had ended up on the bottom of everyone else's.
To say that you and your son were lucky would just be too minute a term. By some miracle, the two of you had made it out alive, although in critical condition, but after a month and a half in the hospital, you were finally able to go back home. “Let me help you, I can help you…” Namjoon said as he ran around the front of the car to hold the door open for you, his hand offered out for you to grab, and you quickly did, clenching your teeth as you finally planted your feet on the ground.
He let out a sigh of relief when your hand stayed in his, but you could read it on his face, see it in his eyes that he was still upset. “Please stop blaming yourself, Joon… It’s not like you’re the one who brought on the storm. Just be happy that we’re here.” You smiled at him, letting his hand drop from your own as you looked towards the passenger doors. “Can you bring him in…? I don’t think I’ll be able to carry him.”
He rolled his eyes at your joke, thinking that it was far too soon for you to be making fun at your current state, but then again, there was no point in staying sad about it, it would only bring you down and slow down the healing process. It was much easier to laugh about it, in the hypothetical sense, because it helped you to forget just how bad it really was.
“I should have asked the guys to come over, they would have been able to help you while I get him.” Namjoon murmured, his back turned to you as he carefully lifted Namgil out of the car, cradling him against his chest delicately as he walked towards the house. Each of his steps were slow and calculated, trying to figure out how to move so that Namgil wouldn’t feel much of it. “And please don’t try to tell me that you’re okay, your ribs are still broken. It’s a miracle that they didn’t puncture your lungs…”
His body shuddered at the thought of it, the thought of potentially having lost you, so you quickly snapped your mouth shut, not wanting to upset him more. “Lay him in our bed… I don’t think I’ll be able to fit into his and be comfortable, plus it’ll be easier for me to care for him.” You said, following slowly behind Namjoon, trying your best to refrain from grunting or wincing too much.
Namjoon sighed quietly, nudging open the front door with his knee and holding it for you as you walked in before going straight to the stairs. “I’ll help you up once I get him in… Don’t try to get up the stairs by yourself, please… If not for me, at least for him. I know he wouldn’t want you to end up back in the hospital.” He said on his way up, his words having you stop at the landing, silently grateful for the small break that you had, leaning against the railing and trying to collect yourself, telling yourself that the pain wasn’t as bad as it felt.
“I’m gonna have to get a stairlift or something put in here so I can get up and down the stairs… He still needs to eat and drink…” You told nobody in particular as Namjoon made his way back down the stairs, his arm wrapping loosely around your waist once he reached you. “Maybe I can just get a mini fridge and a microwave for the bedroom for the time being, just so that I don’t have to leave him.” You were trying to figure things out, and for the most part, Namjoon was silent, listening to everything you had to say as he helped you up to the bedroom.
Your son was awake, propped up on two pillows in the middle of the bed, watching the tv screen that hung over the dresser in the bedroom. Mickey Mouse was on, and for the first time since you had woken up in the hospital, you could see a faint smile on his face, the sight of it was enough to have you tearing up. “Lay down and get comfortable…” Namjoon urged as he walked you to the bed, his arm never letting you go until you were laying down and covered up. “And… could you stop talking as if you’re going to be doing this by yourself.” He whispered, lowering himself down next to your side of the bed, his voice quiet enough that only you’d be able to hear it.
“I really don’t want to argue with you right now…” You whispered back, your nails gripping the blankets and pulling them up higher to your chin. “I just need to figure things out for when you go back to work… I just need to get myself better so I can make him better… Okay. Don’t worry about it.” That was the end of it, at least you wanted it to be the end, you didn’t want to come back home and immediately pick up where you had left off. The least he could have given you was one day to get comfortable in your home again.
He shook his head, grabbing your hand and intertwining his fingers with your own and the feeling of his hand in yours, his skin against your own, it was something that you hadn’t felt in so long, not in this way, it was almost shocking to you. “I’m staying here with you, and with him. I’m not leaving… I’m not… I won’t, not for anything.” He murmured, his thumb brushing over yours as he looked into your eyes, wanting you to see the sincerity that burned within them. “I’ll be right here the whole time.” He emphasized his words, pulling the rings out of his pocket and sliding them onto your finger. “I messed up and I missed out on a lot of things… But I’m not going to do that anymore. I’m not going to be an idiot anymore, at least I’ll try my best not to be… But I love you, and I love him, and the two of you are my whole world… I’d do anything for you two, and I’m sorry it took so long for me to realize what I truly had.” His bottom lip trembled as it pressed against his upper lip, his nose twitching with silent sniffles.
He was your husband, he was the father of your son, and he was the love of your life. He was genuine, and he was kind, albeit sometimes he didn’t use his head a lot, but he loved you and he loved his family, and that love was strong and it ran deep, that much you were sure of. You had heard the stories from the other guys during your recovery that he would go between the hospital rooms, and that he’d refuse to sleep, and that they basically had to force feed him jell-o because he didn’t want to eat and they were worried he’d end up in one of the rooms as well. At the end of the day, no matter how stressful things got, and no matter what happened, he’d always come home to you, and on those days where you felt your worst, he was always there to lift you up and tell you how amazing you were. You needed him just as much as he needed you, and your son needed both of you.
“Have…” You whispered quietly, not wanting to disturb the quiet snores of your sleeping son beside you. Namjoons head tilted in confusion as he absentmindedly toyed with the rings on your finger. “You said had… Past tense… You still have us, we’re not going anywhere either… It was only goodbye for a little while.”
