I showed my sister the Season 4 Episode 1 Northern Exposure episode, Northwest Passages, in 2022, just after she turned 30 years old and was visiting our home state. Last night she organized a surprise party viewing of this episode for me at a local tiny theater with a bunch of my family, friends, and beloved coworkers, for my upcoming 30th birthday. Complete with a video from friends out of state. I absolutely sobbed when I got through the doors, after crying when I realized what my coworkers were walking me into.
About a month ago I tried to put this idea into place, and I even made a guest list of people to invite, and then I figured I couldn't get the details together in time nor did I really have the funds to make it happen. I was incredibly resolute to do nothing for my birthday, not acknowledging how sad it made me. I put the idea out of my head.
I've always looked forward to turning 30, I've always said that I've never been a very good young person. After viewing the Up Series (thanks to my boss and some of the amazing friends I have from various work places) I now really look forward to 40!
Over the last couple of days, I've been feeling really sad about where my life is at. I went to a beautiful wedding of a dear friend and it was so nice to see everyone in her corner. I found myself sad I couldn't gather the people in my corner and thank them for how safe they make me feel in a world that feels ever increasingly unsafe. But the people in my corner, much like how Ed and Joel come to Maggie, did come to my rescue. I had posted on bluesky yesterday, "Screaming at myself internally to let people love me while staring into the bottomless pool of sadness that resides within" with a reply of "Other than that, pretty chill". I was feeling raw yesterday.
I cried on the way to get gas in the morning because of a CD my high school best friend/step-sister (who may not be my step-sister for that much longer) gave me of ANOHNI and the Johnsons' song, You Are My Sister. This was after I opened the package from my friends in Washington State (who I went to Roslyn with 2 years ago) that arrived in the mail the evening before. My best friend had called me for our usual Tuesday post-work catch-up chat. I had been taking stock of the ways that my friends (the loves of my life) express love to me all the time, and I had been trying to use that to fight the feeling that there is so much missing from my life (a significant other, home ownership, being free from debt) and all the negative self-talk (too self-centered, weigh too much, don't exercise enough, not pretty enough). I found so much resonance in how Maggie constructed the dialogue she hears from her past boyfriends, her manifestation of negative self-talk. I love this episode. Ultimately, if you accept yourself - faults and all - others might just as well, and wish you a happy birthday and make sure you're alright.
I've had Maggie's theme stuck in my head since viewing. That shot of her in her canoe and the theme extension we get makes me think of my times in Washington state and the Northern OverExposure podcast. I am a lucky lucky lucky person. I am so grateful. I am so happy to be turning 30.
