loooong, positive (but bittersweet) essay about our system and the hulk:
the nice thing about being a system where each part is so different from each other is that we have at least one guy who can take care of something . also, it’s given us the privilege to have the brain space to handle a very wide breadth of interests and specialties that we keep up with consistently as alters front .
i absolutely don’t like the circumstances that caused us to form the way we did . the worst part of the circumstances is that giant hole in our chest that nothing can fill , and figuring out whether it’s because we keep pushing away anything that tries to come in or if it’s because the hole just grows no matter how it’s treated .
do i wish those circumstances didn’t take place? yes, but also, i’m grateful that we found a way through . i think what also helps us is that we’ve known nothing except those circumstances from infancy, so we have the privilege of seeing a better youth as an unattainable ideal than a blessing long gone . “better” meant numbness , moments where nothing happened .
even if the path we forged through the years is an ugly one, it’s still a path and it’s helped us function in human society more than anything else . especially the alters that socialize , that help others , that are able to do that , that have it in them to do that because they are supported by the system members designed to handle our own baggage .
there are alters who hate the world because of trauma but it’s because of them that the alters who love the people in it exist . our anger holders give the rest of us the capacity to deal with other things , to have the energy do things that we want , like supporting others while having a temporary pause on our own triggers and struggles . it’s like temporarily getting the ability to walk on water to extend a helping hand, temporarily able to ignore a giant flood wave just about to crash over you . if i could , i would just never be affected by our own baggage again so that we could never get frustrated and anxious with people for using us for help
i don’t like seeing people suffer but helping them out of that suffering opens up a lot of old wounds . like plunging your hand into a den full of harmful bacteria while it’s still recovering from semi-open lacerations . it’s our anger holders that allow us to ignore the pain .
anyways … without hulk , banner was shown to not want to help people . from the outlook of my system , it seems like banner is unable to help people without the hulk because he, as one identity, cannot handle the weight of … well , all the circumstances that caused his system to form . banner has expressed several times that he has a desire to help people, a lot of his healing arcs are he and hulk learning to coexist so that they can help ppl with their abilities … oagh … and he fears hurting others and just turning into something so aggressive that represents his emotions , an involuntary reaction to his circumstances , but that is the farthest thing from what he wants and IS as a person , a person who wants to help …
hulk is often interpreted as “banner losing control” but in actuality … hulk is KEEPING banner from losing control … protecting banner from involuntarily becoming the opposite of what he wants .
give it up for all anger holder protectors , they’re fr doing God’s work . because oh my god i cannot imagine dealing with … everything … all by myself … like omg … because i know i could not have survived if i dealt with all this by myself . my system did not make me lose the core identity, the whole system IS the core identity because it’s the only thing that could have possibly existed in the very questionable childhood we had . moreover, the system at least allowed us to exist in the present day as SOMETHING . it’s again not the prettiest form of existence but im so grateful that i have multiple people here with me … even the alters who scare me , honestly , even they hold a portion of the trauma that would be impossible to survive . their taunting and triggering behavior is at least coming from them , and not on my own volition , which is comforting to know .
arlo (he’s part of our system, the anger holder protector in question) if you read this later, we all love you so much . you’re our hulk fr <3 we are so so grateful . i’m sorry that i’m so scared and moreover ASHAMED of getting angry , because it makes you feel like we’re ashamed of you . thank u for giving many of us the blessing it is to have the energy to help people