oh yeah, the uchihas that love so deeply getting into a casual, no-commitment, no feelings kinda thing. what could ever go wrong with that right? 🧐😔🙄🙄
warnings: suggestive, boruto era sasuke, this is 100% crack.
itachi - intercourse before marriage??? not even in a proper relationship???? absolutely not, he's not a slut. his dick is out of commission for whorish behaviors like those, if you want it you have to wine, dine and boyfriend him, sorry.
madara - you think madara would engage in such lowly behaviors? you think the uchiha madara, powerful and most feared man would simply agree to be your little booty call, like a slut?? 100% would and would have the most fun of his life teasing you about it as well, saying that he's doing charity work here, you know, helping out a friend in need. isn't he just so considerate? he eats his own words because he definitely ends up catching feelings and he's seething.
obito - probably the one that suggests it in the first place. listen, he's caught you checking him out more than once and, you know, you're nice to the eyes as well– no harm in having a little bit of fun, right? this is a stressful life, you both can comfort each other for a bit. fucks around and falls in love hard. so much for just friends with benefits, rip him.
sasuke - he might agree but he's got standards. he's not just some bitch you can call whenever you want. he is gonna show up, he makes the calls here. that said, probably shows up at 2am on a wednesday when you were already asleep and you know, not expecting to get your cheeks clapped or anything. he thinks it's very sexy of him to do that, keeps you guessing and all. it's not. falls in love first and immediately stars avoiding you because he doesn't know how to deal with that.
HCs for ur male house wives taking care of their very sick/injured s/o? We need u in these trying times boo😭🎀🧸
this can be read without previously reading the malewives one!!
warnings: none. I put hashirama and madara together because I think their reactions would be pretty similar!
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hashirama and madara - in their times, medicine is not really advanced, so I think they'd rely more on herbs to help you heal if it's sickness. madara will cook up something for you, something warm, like a soup. hashirama... you better hope he doesn't. if it's an injury, they'd take you to the healer of their clans. they wouldn't leave your side, the thought that this could be their last moments with you is their own personal torture to bear, a new nightmare that will haunt their sleep even if you make it out alive. but they don't let any of it slip, they will let you hold their hand, madara will even reach to caress your face, and they sound so sure when they say you're gonna be fine. you wish you could lie like them.
kakuzu - name one plant, he knows all of them. this man has knowledge on this shit for days, babe, he got you. worst shit ever is being an "immortal" that rips hearts out of his enemies and restores them to gain their power, only to get dunked on the head by a cold, like, so fucking embarrassing. just don't get all soft on him and ask him to do shit for you, ok, he's already trying to not look worried by pretending he's annoyed here.
gai - thinks a little bit of exercise can burn the bacteria or virus away, but will understand if you're too worse for wear. he will ask for medical help because he has no fucking clue what to do, besides giving you some really dubious super-vitaminated juices he promises you that always help him out. he never got sick in his life, trust him.
kakashi - hahaha vindication. people are always dragging his ass to the hospital, now it's his time to leave you there to ferment a little. he doesn't care it's just a little cough and sneeze, you'll be seeing tsunade personally.
yamato - will also take you to the hospital, but not for evil reasons (unlike kakashi). he's just worried this could turn into something worse if not treated, and, honestly, the worse that can happen if it's just a cold, is you getting better faster with the proper medicine. nobody loses :).
itachi - on god this man is losing his mind. the moment he heard you got injuried, his mind was already spiralling. this lump in his throat was suffocating him. it's not serious, he knows it, but, gods. he worries, ok, so much for you. he's gonna be with you the whole time, he will even sleep on a chair at your hospital bed if you need to stay for one, or even two more days, he doesn't care. he just wants to stay with you. will prepare meals for you at home and bring to you at the hospital, those will be the only times he will be away.
boruto era gaara - this is the first time in his life that he's gonna make soup. he will buy a cooking book specific for soups and everything. you will be laying on the bed, completely sick, and gaara will be standing in front of you, cooking book in hand."which one do you think you will like more? chicken? green soup? potato and carrots?" he will keep listing all the soups if you don't stop him. it's not his fault, ok, he just wants you to enjoy it, especially when you're this unwell. you don't have the heart to tell him you're unable to taste anything due to being sick.
Who would be the best malewives in naruto in your opinion?
ok this got long so under the cut after kakashi!! I won't mention minato here because he canonically got the malewife trophy, and this is in no particular order!!
warnings: none.
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kakashi, he's a decent cook and ok at chores and he won't even ask before doing both, like, he doesn't like doing them but he wants you to just sit on your pretty ass and relax when you're at home ok, but pls, split chores with him, he's gonna say he can do them on his own and that you can rest (he loves you) but the man is so tired, give him a break sometimes.
gai, but don't ever let this man cook for you please. the only food he knows how to do is one of those high in carb and that's only unharmful for him and lee. he's gonna love to clean the house though, he's gonna turn this into a challenge for himself. somedays you're gonna walk in and see the man wiping the floor while doing a stand but like, one of his hands is on his back and he's wiping the floor with the same one he's using to prop himself up, so every time he has to do this little hop but with his hand. don't ask. the house is clean, your man is happy.
yamato, this man is so eager to please like, he's one of the few that will actually go full cute-apron-malewife mode, ok. he's a good cook, there's not a day in your life you'll be eating bad in this house, and he'll do the dishes after too! and he's gonna combust if you come up behind him while he's doing the dishes, wrap your arms around him and kiss his cheek. like... he's on the floor. he lives to be appreciated, appreciate him.
itachi, a dedicated man, he's gonna do everything without saying a word. he likes cooking the most, though, and he's a GREAT cook ok, and also one of the few in the apron-malewife club. his are less cute than yamato's though :(
boruto era gaara, I don't watch boruto but gaara holding a plant pot in his hands transcends anything ok. at first he's not gonna be a malewife, perse. you'll be doing everything, cleaning and cooking, and he'll be watching but like, not in a mean way ok, he's learning everything, I assure you. one day you'll get home and the food will be on the table, the house is smelling nice and looking cleaner than ever. when you call his name, gaara comes out the kitchen, dishcloth on hand, wearing your apron and the warmest smile on his face "you're home."
listen, you're gonna think I'm crazy for this one but shhhh listen, kakuzu. I'm a firm believer kakuzu will get invested in anyone that manages to hand him his ass, if you survive a fight against him, this man has his eyes wide open, he's looking, pretending he does not see it but he does. so like, let's say you somehow got into this weird relationship. kakuzu is a malewife ok, he's gonna cook, he's gonna clean the house, he's even gonna run you baths, but he's gonna complain the whole fucking time. every second of the entire duration of the chore. don't be fooled, he's doing it because he wants to, he won't let you do any chore because he can do them on his own. but the whole time you're gonna hear "I have to do everything in this fucking house," and "this house is in fucking shambles and it's my problem?? fuck you." this man has five hearts and only one mouth, he cannot express everything his 5 hearts feel with a single mouth so he'll just choose to sound grumpy instead. he is an old man though, and the house is pristine, you're eating fine, so really, he gets a pass.
I'd say hashirama but I'm kind of hesitating on this one and you'll understand why. first of all, he sucks at everything house-related. second of all, anything that's glass is going to break. don't get me wrong, this man is trying so fucking hard to be a good husband, he's so dedicated but like. he's gonna cook and he's gonna break at least 3 appliances, or plates or bowls. and anything he cooks just... it tastes so bad :(( but he looks at you with such so much expectation, he looks so proud he managed to not burn the kitchen down while cooking and you just... you don't have the heart to call him out. yeah hashi, it's the third time you're cooking and it's the 6th bowl we'll have to replace. but he wears the most hideous and funniest aprons, though, so he gets one point. also, for all that's sacred don't let this man wash ANY clothes. he tried once and you know when you fuck up SO BAD you can't even understand how you fucked up in the first place?? yeah, so, he did that. his white hokage robes turned into a mud color, but hey, at least they smell like jasmine!! but none of this is the reason why I was hesitating to put him in the list, he's an acoholic and he IS going to bet the money you were going to use to buy the new appliances he himself broke, he lost it to tobirama, don't worry, he's gonna give it back out of respect for you. but hashi is trying ok, like, functionally, worst malewife, but he gets an honorable mention for the effort and dedication.
madara, takes the malewife crown and here's why. this man knows how to cook, how to clean, how to wash and how to sew. like, he went a little mad after izuna died and hashi started trusting tobirama more than him, and he was right, but like, stay with me here. his dream always is to have a domestic life ok, he just wants to settle down and have a calm and nice life, stress free, with someone to come home to. he wants to be a house husband so bad, just stay at home, cook for you, go shopping for groceries whenever you run low. he wants to wear the ugly aprons, wants to water the plants, wants to clean the dust off every little decoration, like, he craves domesticity, he's ready for it.
