features: naruto, itachi, madara, kakashi, tenzou, hashirama, tobirama, kiba, shikamaru, konohamaru, asuma, deidara, jiraiya, and genma
minor notes: these drabbles include a female reader who exists in the village of konoha as a shinobi and no uchiha massacre has taken place!
on your belly
naruto — there's something dangerous, nearly feral, about the way he looks down at you when he leans over your body. its like kurama breaks free and takes over the ninja, like the whiskers on his face darken to black, his eyes glowing red and bright and ferocious— and it thrills you. utterly, and completely thrills you. naruto smirks, and in any other moment you might have been embarrassed about the fact that you both know then and there that he can smell your arousal. but you're too far gone to care. it's all you can do to hold on, clawing at his broad back, clutching your legs around his hips as you ride through the pleasure of his cock against your insides. he pulls out at the last moment, the way your fingers wind together as both of your hands work furiously over his cock, and the sinful moan that spills from his lips as he comes is almost enough to send you headlong into another orgasm. his cum splatters over your belly, icy hot and plentiful, and you expect him to collapse on top of you, caging you beneath his firm body and holding you there, as he usually does, but this time his holds his ground. his hands are at your belly, fingers moving through his spend as he works it into your skin, spreading it across the softness he loves to kiss, as though marking you with his scent, marking you as his. he growls, nearly purrs, and as you meet his feral red eyes, you both know kurama is pleased.
itachi — he loves the way you can quiet his mind, send the swirling storm of thoughts into quiet symbiosis, cooing the firestorm. you take him in his arms, make him feel protected, instead of what is usually the other way around. it's intoxicating, to be around you. when he makes love to you, when he wraps his arms around you, and your legs wind around him, he loves how you pull him down until he's chest to chest with you, like he can become one with you completely. you'll try for a child soon, he knows. but for now he contents himself with pulling out of you just enough to release on your stomach, to feel the warmth of your skin on his most sensitive part, to run his fingers through the liquid and it excites him to no end to picture little uchiha's running around the compound.
on your chest
yamato — there's something about the way you look, flushed, breathless, dripping with sweat, that overcomes him, makes him feel half wild as he looks down at you. he can't tear himself away from you, not even for a moment, and has been late for many a meeting because of this weakness, much to kakashi's delight and his chagrin. but every once in a while, when he feels particularly wound up, pent up, that he indulges his secret sin. he pulls out of you as he feels his orgasm bridging, a frisson of pleasure building at the base of his spine and rolling through him like a jolt of lightning, and rolls over to the side. your eyes are half lidded as you look up at him, confusion bridging into understanding as you recognize the familiar pose. even without asking you roll into a sitting position, as though reading his mind, and kami he loves you so much, even in the throes of passion and pleasure he drops a hand to your cheek to stroke it lovingly. he works his cock quickly as you push your breasts together, flinching slightly as your fingers pinch your nipple, still sensitive from the force of your orgasm, and the breathy little moan you let out is enough to send him over the edge. his cum sinks onto your skin, slipping down your breasts and onto your stomach, a fist of prideful pleasure tightening in his belly. kami he just loves you so much.
konohamaru — somehow, he knows, just knows, that this is all naruto's fault. he blames the hokage for having made his introduction into the world of sex be all bare breasts and long legged, until the memories of his sexy jutsu captivating his adolescent. even as an adult konohamaru has the same weakness, and the day he had met you he knew all at once that you checked all his boxes in perfect harmony. and when he's leaning over you, his spend dotted across your perfect chest like spilled pearls, your face flushed and eyes half lidded from the throes of pleasure, the aftershocks of your orgasm still trembling through you, he can't quite but thank the gods for naruto.
on your face
deidara — its a work of art on its own, the way your eyes look as you gaze up at him. the way your lips are swollen and half parted, wet by the tongue that drags across them seductively enough to make him dive back down into your arms. but there's nothing more beautiful than the way you look on your knees, his cock kissed against your lips, his spend streaked across your face like oil paint on a canvas. he smirks, near feral, and just the sight is enough to make him half hard again. he never feels more pleasure at the notion that art truly is an explosion.
shikamaru — he let out a long, sated sigh, breathing out a curl of smoke and thinking about the fact that he had never been this happy. your fingers clawed at the skin of his naked chest, nails dragging across his nipple in a way that made him flinch and his hips stutter, pleasure-pain rushing through his chest as he moaned. your fingers wound absently around the fabric of the yukata you had hastily pushed down around his waist, leaving his ass bare and ready to be fondled by you as you guided the thrust of his hips. your mouth was so hot, so wet and warm, that he wished he could live in it. not that he spent much time free from the tangle of your limbs, with the amount of time you spent fucking, the honeymoon period having never ended after your marriage three years prior. he gasped out a moan, leaning forward in his zaisu, and winding a hand through your beautiful hair, warning you silently that he was about to reach his peak. his cum marked your face, spilling across your cheeks, your lips, your chin, and you looked so beautiful he couldn't resist kissing you, his tongue entering your mouth, his hand cupping your bare breast, both of you already knowing he wasn't going to be going anywhere for the next hour.
on your ass
kiba — it's his animal instincts. it must be. it makes him feel wild, ferocious to see you like this, on your hands and knees, your hair messy as its tossed over your shoulders, your back bowed to tilt your hips up towards his. your skin is glistening with a mix of heady sweat and saliva, because he just can't stop himself from licking you, tasting you, mapping every inch of your body with his tongue. your thighs are parted, wet for the same reasons, and he longs to taste you again, to bury himself between your legs and eat and eat and eat until the neverending starvation in his belly is sated. but he can't, not yet, not now. his cock feels fit to burst, and he can't stand being parted from you for a second longer, pushing back into you until his hips are flush to your ass, and kami you feel so fucking good, he can't stop the growl that leeches from this lips. he comes quickly, pulling out with rabid ferocity and spilling over the curves of your perfect ass, unable to resist biting into it and leaving another bite mark among the sea of half healed ones.
tobirama — his brother had told him it would be like this one day, like him and mito, had told him that one day he would know what it meant to be completely consumed by another. but before you, tobirama had though his brother a fool. even worse, a god of shinobi, brought to heel by something so simple as love. but from the very first moment he had come across you, had taken your hand to shake and seen the way your lips arched into a smile, he realized he was a fool too. it's like heaven and hell, like sweet escape and even sweeter torture, to be with you, to be apart from you, even for just the moment it takes to pull out of your sweet warmth. but there's something wicked about the way you look covered in his spend, the way your ass reddens from the slap of his hips, the way your sweat speckled skin looks glistens like diamonds. kami, he truly is a fool, but much like his brother, there's no place he'd rather be than in your arms.
on your pussy
jiraiya — the toad sage can't help but be mesmerized by everything about you. the way your hair drapes around your shoulders, the mastery of your genjutsu, the way your eyes shine in the moonlight, the softness of your skin, the brightness of your smile. but fuck, if one of the most impressive things about you wasn't the way your pussy sucked him in. you're both sexual beings, he knows that. knows that you've had other lovers before him, but he couldn't tell— not from the way your pussy sucked him in like a tight-fist, like a virgin. it was near agony to pull out, to not cum in you like jiraiya so obviously enjoyed, but during times like this, when the cleanup was too messy, or you two had stolen the time for a quickie, when he forced himself to pull out as he came, splattering your skin with drops of cum that nearly sizzled your beautiful skin. you moaned, looking so beautiful covered in his spend that he couldn't help but seize your lips in a messy kiss, sighing in pleasure as he began to mentally draft the next volume of icha icha.
genma — he was a pervert. he knew it, you knew it. half of konoha knew it. he kissed you like a fiend, all tongue and teeth and exchanged spit, addicted to the way your body felt beneath his, all soft curves to his hard edges. your hand fisted in his loose hair, tilting his head down towards you, so you could kiss even more deeply, practically consuming each other. your legs were wrapped around his naked hips, his favorite belt, and he thrust into you with abandon, unable to resist the wet heat of your pussy, still fluttering around him after your orgasm. he was gonna cum soon, he knew from the reckless thrust of his hips and the fist of pleasure forming below his stomach and there wasn't enough time to properly make love to you since you were both supposed to report to the hokage in five minutes. genma pulled out begrudgingly, cum spilling across the lips of your pussy instead of inside you as he longed to do. he admired his handiwork, breathless and feeling lose from release of pleasure, and couldn't help but run his fingers through the spend, dragging it across your skin like he was painting. yeah maybe he was a pervert, but he loved it, and you loved it— and at the end of the day that was all he cared about. you
in your mouth
asuma — he's addicted to you, he thinks. utterly and completely addicted. he's never been dependent on anything in his life, not even his cigarettes, not the way he is to you. he wishes he could retire, could spend all day every day in your arms, in bed with you, cooking with you, eating with you, showing with you, sleeping with you. it's heaven, or the closest he's ever come, and the sole reason is you. he fucks you languidly, relishing in every part of you, the clench of your pussy, the bounce of your unbound breasts, the salty wetness of sweat on your skin he draws up with his tongue. asuma pulls out begrudgingly, desperate to chase the tightness, the heat of your insides, but the tiny thread of reason he clung to was telling him otherwise. instead he takes himself in hand, swinging a leg over your body to perch on your stomach, his cock brushing the plush suppleness of your lips. he cums across your perfect mouth, moaning too loudly when he sees the way your tongue darts out to lick your lips, and he could almost cum again just as the sight. asuma collapses beside you in the bed you share, pulling you into his strong arms and kissing you deeply. he wants to breed you, to get you full and pregnant and fill your house with little asumas, but for now this was enough.
kakashi — your eyes, he thinks. it's the way your eyes seem to pin him in place as you look up at him. he has more than enough experience with the look of fear on an enemies face when his eyes are upon them, and he thinks he must have much the same look on his as he meets your gaze. you've raised yourself up on the legs folded beneath you, one hand lazily stroking his bare thigh, your nails digging just firmly enough into his skin to cause a frisson of pain to rush up his spine, the other hand on his cock, doing things to him that he can only describe as sinful. your lips are swollen and reddened from the length of your lovemaking, your tongue dragging down his cock and paying special attention to his head. he gasps out a moan, the sound like it was dragged from the depths of his belly. his hips jerk forward as he comes, automatically seeking the warmth and comfort of your touch. he comes like a blast of raikiri, barely having the energy to do more than fall to his knees before you. he weakly opens his eyes, and nearly goes mute. his spend is on your tongue, your lips, the corner of your mouth, and the way you look drinking it down is utterly sinful.
inside of you
madara — there was no better place for madara than between your thighs, not the battlefield, not the winners circle. no, he'd give it all up just to stay pillowed between your legs. just as your happiness elevated his, your pleasure heightened his. when his hands push apart your thighs, your arms wrapping around his shoulders to pull him down flush against you. it's as though the gods had made his body just for yours, the way your hips fit into the cradle of his, the way his thighs made the perfect hook for your legs, the mold of your lips against mouth. kami, it was a miracle. he hates to leave you, even more to pull out of you, not when you're so hot, so tight, so wet against him. to feel himself spend inside of you, awash with pleasure and contentment, is the most powerful feeling in the world.
hashirama — there was nothing in the world hashirama loved more in the world than the way you felt in his arms. the way your bodies moved in unison as he made love to you, when your arms were wrapped around his shoulders, your body twitching in his arms as pleasure ran through you, the way your breath mingled as you kissed and kissed and kissed. your pleasure was as important to him as his own, as it was his highest order of duty to provide for you in every way. and the best part, the highest honor and highest pleasure, was to come with you. to feel you clench around his cock, tight as a fist and so utterly warm that hashirama was sure you could melt him more than you already had, and the feeling of your body sinking fully into pleasure, tight as a coil as you both achieved orgasm at the same time was the highest accomplishment of his life.
this post is about sexual relationships. !!! NSFT !!!
the categories are from prosopa insights, i didn't make them and they aren't scientific, just for fun. everything is explained below the line. written impromptu and not proofread.
whew with that out of the way, it's time to psychoanalyze these badboys.
quick rundown: the 4 primary categories (romantic, adventurous, dutiful, nurturing) describe a healthy range of sexuality. the 8 sub-categories (jealous, indulgent, obsessive, domineering, frigid, neurotic, hyper-sensitive, delusional) are unhealthy variants of their primary category.
ROMANTIC
The classic lover. Someone who sees sex as a thing of beauty, something to be enjoyed, or help their lover enjoy it. To them, sex is an expression of love for others, for beauty, and enjoying the finer things of life.
Rock Lee. Sex is either a loving, affectionate, fun endeavor or he'd rather not have it at all. This is a very earnest character. A romantic who beams with youthful passion and vitality, and while yes, it's important to expunge all that sexual energy, he would only do it in a warm, safe, loving context where he knows for sure the other party is thoroughly enjoying themselves. I imagine a lively, engaging time with him, lots of verbal affirmation and intentional, cautious soft touching that gradually evolves into more playful, more careless caressing and stroking as you both relax and get into the rythm of it. Related, definitely an enjoyer of showy displays of affection. Also I think he'd start out very standard-traditional but can basically adapt to anything that sounds pleasant and interesting. Very sweet with a dash of playfulness to keep things engaging. Standard romantic type, very perfect to start off this list with 'cause he raises a high bar, heh. Likely favorites: casual and/or gentle sex with some toys (hey, he wants to see the max of what you can handle and compare it with what he can handle! >:3); drunk sex would make him go wilder with kinky stuff (a bit more force, lots of affectionate and dirty talk, pinning you down, rubbing himself against you). Just know that he won't remember tf he was doing when he sobers up. Actually, don't tell him or at least leave out some details or he'll spend the next 3 days apologizing to you, being the endearing idiot that he is.
Minato. Let me start with: he's not romantic in the most conventional sense. I think he'd be a bit out of touch with normalcy, actually. But he's confident about what he's throwing at you, and he's trying his best to create a genuinely passionate, loving dynamic. So, when he traces his thumb over your lips and says borderline cryptic stuff like "wow, your pretty face is turning as red as a blood-stained blade", understand that he's trying to make the Romance(tm) happen. Because he cares. He cares enough to want to make you feel loved. And he knows that (1) good sex is when it's pleasurable and (2) good sex is when you get to bond with your lover. Yes, he has an objectives list in his head. Wooing you is a really fun strategy game to him. What do you like? You don't have to tell him, he'll figure it out anyway. Giving a few pointers from the get-go is probably a good idea though, otherwise he'll get quite creative about it (battlefield terminology as foreplay, oh he's so charming!). Cheers for being versatile and good at everything he does. Likely favorites: he's so good and creative with tools, there's no way he wouldn't want to use sex toys. I mean, he might end up making some himself, something that's tailored perfectly to your body which he so adores. If not that, fingering or rubbing/jacking you off. Just let him work his nimble fingers~
Hashirama. Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens~ One little smile and he'll leave you smitten. Was that too corny? Well, sorry but... that's just the beginning of it! He has enough love to drown the world, and he's coming at you with everything in his heart. I can imagine him being affectionately playful and even a bit cringe when it comes to terms of endearment (although he wouldn't think of it as cringe, but there are only so many variations of "my lovely sweet honey bunny meow meow" you can reasonably handle). A romantic who likes to take his sweet time (when he has it, it's probably not that often) setting everything up and getting you in the mood and making sure everything is just how you like it. Not only that, but he's open-minded and would occasionally surprise you, ahem, inapprioriate use of the Mokuton-- wait, who said that? And yes, he's sweet and loving, but as you'd expect, the god of shinobi is kind of a lot to handle when it comes down to it. Stamina for days, by the way. Not an exaggeration; his body keeps recovering at rapid speeds. Have fun. I mean, he sure wants you to! Also, I wanna add that I considered putting him in Nurturing, but then I realized, since he's a hardcore gambler, he loves the emotional high of indulging in high-adrenaline recreational activities, which would hint at quite the sexual appetite. So, he's here instead. Likely favorites: being very close, bodies touching and intertwining like coiling roots. Speaking of, he can definitely employ his Mokuton for some light suspension play. It's going to be a very long night and it can certainly help you stop shivering like a leaf in the wind due to all of the stimulation he so lovingly indulges you in. Proud enjoyer of creampies followed by eating it out of you; he always politely cleans up after himself. 😊
--- ROMANTIC JEALOUS
Excessive emotionality: neurotic, jealous, competitive, desires to be the best partner that their lover ever had, very intense. Uses sex as a supplement to their idealized relationship, straightforwardly seek it out, and lashes out if they don't get it.
Obito. He might be a bit of a dork in other areas, but when it comes to social and emotional intelligence? Cunning. He knows exactly what to do, where to touch you, what to say, the sort of dynamic that you want to play out, and he'll act it out for you. If he loves you, he'll learn to enjoy whatever you enjoy. Extremely passionate, lively, fiery before, during, and after sex. Emotions and sex are inextricably linked to him. And yeah, this is where things might go south. He's suffocating and volatile. Much like his emotional state, his sexual appetite is like a black hole that no amount of love you give can fill. Sex is a placeholder for the validation that he's desperate for but can't accept. He will seek it out again, and again, and again, and if you reject him, he will feel the extreme of it, like it's proof that you hate him. Because to him, it will look like even his best is not good enough, and it's genuinely soul-crushing to feel like such an unwanted loser. He tries to regulate and affirm himself through acts of passion, but that's obviously extremely taxing on his lover, and an unhealthy view on sex. For what it's worth, really good at sex, but nothing else surrounding relationships. Babe has an emotionally crippling personality disorder 😍. Likely favorites: please tell him what his favorites should be, he wants to be good for you, please please 🥺. He can be your daddydom, your bad boy, your puppy, your worshipper, whatever you want! I guess, in a way, roleplay is his shtick. Well, there is one other thing he really likes, and it's a power imbalance fantasy where you're at his mercy so he can claim you and have you be his forever and ever and ever, with no chance of escape. He's not telling you that, though.
--- ROMANTIC INDULGENT
Treat sex as food, alcohol and drugs - something that they should indulge in to the max because life is short. And sex is fun, so why not? Big appetite and want to try as much as possible. Obvious massive commitment issues.
Jiraiya. Jiraiya is the Dionysian man archetype, so it was kind of a no-brainer to place him here. Let's take a look at his hedonistic streak: being extremely inclined towards sex and easily swayed by sexual advances, peeping on babes, basically wasting mula on prostitutes, generally not being the best at managing expenses, all while not shying away from indulging in other luxuries. But yeah, as far as the sex goes, gramps is still full of virility, heh. He's here to have fun and he'll make sure that he does, damn it!! And you will too, probably. I mean, hopefully. For what it's worth, he will try to attend to your needs, though admittedly his would take priority. That is, unless he feels like showing off how good of a lover he can be, he likes to boast sometimes. I don't think he's a heartthrob, but he does have a charm about him and is socially-inclined, so I imagine a lot of verbal communication alongside all the physicality. The latter of which, of course, would take precedence regardless. Just don't expect him to stick around. Though if he likes you the first time, he might come visit you again some time down the line. To reminisce, y'know, have a chat, a drink or two… you get it. Likely favorites: old man's a selfish lover, so think any position where he gets served, like getting a blowjob or getting to fuck you silly in some scandalous position of his choice (the spread eagle, let's fucking go). Show him all of you, baby, he wants to see and to squeeze. Mm, wanna add a third so he can watch? ;)
Hidan. (tw: dark) I know, I know. The insanity of putting Hidan and 'romantic' in the same sentence. I know that many of you are screaming that he should be in Adventurous. But it doesn't feel right; that's a low emotionality quadrant. Hidan is expressive, he's open, he's full of emotion. Not loving emotion, but emotion nonetheless. If he feels it, you will know it. He obviously has no issue having fun, I mean, fuck, what else is there in life for him? Unlike for others, for him there is 0 risk in basically anything, so he can do whatever he wants. Hidan? More like hedon. So yeah, he'll have sex with you if he finds you interesting, after which you'll never see him again. But there's this little ditty: sex is one of those things that escalates, like drugs. Things that excited you, the more you have them, the less exciting they become, and you want to seek out new experiences to get the same high of novelty. Hidan has lived a long life, and far from a chaste one, so he's already in a pretty decadent state. So, to elaborate on just what sort of sex we're talking here… yeah, let's not mince words, he's into some fucked up shit. Have you really had sex if you haven't flayed someone's skin? You know, even men can have more than one hole if you're not squeamish about cleaving some flesh. Yeah. Only consolation is that he'd want to be on the receiving end of most of it, and since you can't hurt him in a way that matters, it won't end in a tragedy. He wouldn't mind switching roles, but please remember that with you on the receiving end, the stakes are much higher... Likely favorites: before I start throwing around terms like snuff how about we talk about what he doesn't like? Sweet love-making under candlelight. Can't stand that shit, it just doesn't do anything for him. Are you here to waste his time or something? Make him gag, bruise, choke, bleed, cry, scream all for the best orgasm he's had in his life. Yeah baby, that's the good shit. No aftercare needed, he doesn't even know what that is.
ADVENTUROUS
While still sexual, they're more emotionally distant. Their drive for sex is mostly raw, physical, sensual, not so much romantically inclined. They see sex as a sport or a game, it's less about sharing love and more about showing off or just indulging in mindless, simple, fun physical pleasure.
Naruto. Heck yeah! He shoots, he scores! Big Naruto win, you said yes! He's got such a boyish view on sex, like if a guy has it then he's super cool. And he wants to be cool, obviously. He wouldn't shut up about it, actually. Before sex: 'Wow, really, you and me, we can?!', 'Huh?! Of course I wanna, believe it!', 'So when are we gonna? When when when, I'm so excited!!' During sex: 'Does this feel good? Or this? Or this? Or that?', 'What else can we do, I wanna do more!', 'Ok, ok, I'm gonna stay still… Umm nevermind, I can't just do nothing!' After sex: 'Woah, that was so awesome! Let's do that again!!', 'When can I see you again, we will meet again right? Right?' Listen, it's difficult to contain himself when his heart is pounding and his palms are sweaty and his entire body is vibrating with excitement, ok!! He can't help it! He totally wants to get into it, like as soon as possible, like right now! You said it and he took it to heart and now he's not gonna find peace until it happens. Very lively in bed, lots of turning and changing positions and yapping (non-stop yapping, the sound of his voice is the majority of the noise). Gets loud but totally unintentionally, it's not like he wants your neighbors to know, but they will. Likely favorites: any position where he gets to both do and be done, like sixty-nine. He likes to be busy, give him something to touch, lick or squeeze! But also do the same for him, 'cause it feels super good! It's never just about one position though, he likes to go through the motions. Moving a lot is important for his hyperactive mind, heh, the more engaging the better! And hey, when you have an enthusiastic partner, even missionary can be incredibly fun!
Suigetsu. First thing's first: sex is not that big of a deal. It really ain't that deep. Well, it can be deep but, like, literally deep. None of this waxing poetics shit, y'know? He's as lax about sex as anything else, go get some if you want it, don't if you don't. shrug But if you do, make sure you get your fill of fun, otherwise the entire thing is kind of bullshit, waste of time, cringe, etcetc, isn't it? I'm not sure if he's exactly the 'you only live once' type, there might be some hard limits simply because he finds some feitshes too ridonkulous, too disgusting or too weird to actually engage in, but for the most part, he's leaning somewhere towards that. If you've got an idea, he's all ears, just tell him. He doesn't wanna miss out on the possibility of it being fun. Hey, who knows, it might become a favorite. The least he can do if you're already in his bed is extend a bit of trust to you as far as taste goes. He's quite witty, but also pretty damn straightforward. Like there are no intellectual games or beating around the bush, no masterplan of seduction required. So yeah, he'll mess around, try some fun stuff (hey, he's got an adventurous spirit!), but also won't really get emotionally attached or touchy-feely about it. Fuck him and set him free, it's what he wants. Likely favorites: hickies hehe, those sharp teeth can be put to very good use and it would make him feel so fucking cool to have marked someone (yea feeling cool during sex is important, ok!). Also definitely something with water. I don't know what exactly; like maybe he'd 'accidentally' splash your shirt so it clings to your body and shows off your natural curves/frame and, oh noee, you'd have to take it off, shucks. Something playful and teasing like that, heh.
Deidara. Was by far the most difficult to write. I don't know, maybe he's more obvious to some of you, but I felt like he was fighting me on every sentence lmao. I'm sorry if I wrote him way off but he felt like a boss battle and I wrote him last. Okay, there is a very particular dynamic that will play out: either you annoy him or he annoys you. Deliberately. This is like the mildest form of the enemies to lovers trope. Like, let me kiss you, but only to get you to shut the fuck up 'cause you're so damn annoying. Let me fuck you but just 'cause I want to put you in your place. Just sets him on fire, that's the good stuff. Yes, disagree with him, bicker back and forth, it's like foreplay. It's up to you which role you want to play, bratty or reactionary, he'll take on the other one as ultimately the appeal is in the dynamic itself. It's a bit performative but hey, all art is, hm. He just wants to have fun, to be honest. C'mon, do something entertaining, prod him, give him something to react to, or you'll force his hand to do something outrageous. Literally his hand, lol. Oi! His face is up here. Those mouths aren't for sex, they're for art, hm! Yeah, well so what that it bit you? Can't handle a little bite? Smh. And here he thought that he was the freak, but look at you. Likely favorites: arguing, teasing and lite verbal aggression amp up the sexual tension so good, more of that! Would eventually succumb to the idea of using his hand-mouths for pleasuring you, because damn if he's anything but not curious. Pleasantly surprised when he finds out he likes it, honestly elevated when he notices you absolutely fucking love it.
Kisame. Sex? Oh yeah, okay, he could do it. Been a while. So busy that the possibility slipped his mind entirely, can you believe that? But you're right, it's good to have fun and relax from time to time. I don't think it's entirely fair of me to put him into a high libido category, he's on the lower end of it (closer to Dutiful than anyone else in this tier), but archetypically Dutiful doesn't really work for him because he has more of a spirit to him, a bit of a kick, hah. And I don't think sex is that serious of an obligation to him. Like, really, sex is the hill you choose to die on? He'd find it a bit silly. There's already enough shit to wade through in the world, the smartest thing you can do is make recreational activities like sex a reprieve, not another obstacle in life. So yeah, he won't make any commitment that he doesn't want, and probably prefer short-term relations anyway due to the sort of life he leads. Stress-free zone. Sex is just a temporary fun activity before he has to go out and deal with the weight of the world again. Feel free to suggest any bright ideas you might have (he'll politely decline if he's not into it, don't worry). Oh, you didn't know he has two? It's okay, he can use just one, although the way you're looking at him makes him think you're interested in the former option. Likely favorites: double-penetration is very much so implied, but if not that then the, uh, normal suck and fuck is fine, thanks. Most I can imagine is him getting a bit rough, like again this is for stress-relief and you're basically his stress-ball. Sure, he can go faster and harder, slap your ass or deepthroat you for 5 seconds. You'll be fine. And thanks for the fun night, whatever your name was.
--- ADVENTUROUS OBSESSIVE
Deviant type. They are sexual, but not in a hedonistic, indulgent way. It's more in a focused mental sense, such as having a very specific fetish that's so prominent in their psyche it starts to take up too much mental space and inclines them to act on it.
Kabuto. This was originally the 'pervert' tier, but I modified it a bit. I'm not saying that Kabuto is a pervert, but I am saying that he is kind of a ~freak~. He was actually quite difficult to place, but then I thought of sex as a way of getting to know yourself, what you like, what sets your heart on fire, and I think that's an element of it that would subconsciously draw him in. I say subconsciously because introspection isn't his forte (as we know lol), he didn't even know it was something he yearned for. And no, he wouldn't lay himself bare before you (metaphorically or otherwise) but sex would stir a very personal, intimate side of himself. I don't think he would understand that this is exactly what keeps him coming back though, he'd try rationalize it with biology. Unless, of course, we're talking about him after he's already gone through his personal Samsara (shoutout to Itachi), in which case he'd be more aware of his own desires and figure it out. Also, he's probably the most experimental character, he would want to try all sorts of stuff, and is very likely to use jutsu inappropriately. He could get off on just seeing the effects and your reactions to them. Beware, his curiosity extends far. Likely favorites: bet he'd like to wear gloves, bet he'd like to 'inspect' you like a doctor looking over his patient, bet he'd like to get so fucking condescending if you soil the gloves, bet he'd love it if you grabbed at his arms as he progressively got more and more intense, adding a sensitizing jutsu or an aphrodisiac into the mix. I dunno, I feel like he'd be very 'invasive', like he wants to prod your insides. Well, at least you'll find out what sounding is.
--- ADVENTUROUS DOMINEERING
Treats sex as conquest, control and a show of force. It's not so much that sex is fun or sex is sport, but sex is control. Very emotionally closed off, they're here to conquer and dominate other people, and sex is just one of many tools in the arsenal.
Kakuzu. Coldest sexual encounter you'll ever have. He's like the daddydom trope jacked up to 100; powerful, tall, dominant and rich. And handsome, depending on who you ask. I don't think he cares about sex enough to actively seek it out, but I also don't see him outright rejecting a good offer if it crops up. But it will be on his terms, for as long as he wants, and in the way that he wants. I mean, those threads in his body are thick enough to be put to use in more unconventional, creative ways than just for fighting. Do you think he doesn't know that? Yeah, he'd pick up real fast on why you approached him with the offer to begin with, you can't seduce him that easily (or perhaps at all). Now I'm thinking about what sort of monetary exchange there would be (because there would be a monetary exchange). Does he pay you or do you pay him? Well, I guess it depends on what you want from the encounter. If you came to him asking about his 'sexy tentacles' (he didn't appreciate you calling them that), the dick's not free. Pay up. If, however, you let him indulge in what he wants, he'd be willing to part with his coin for a good service. Likely favorites: brat taming, just something so satisfying about it. I would say dirty talk but it's more like verbal abuse in his case. Hey, a man has gotta have outlets. Also, he's up for bondage, and probably some S&M stuff if he's in the mood to really get into it. 'Safe word'? Pfft, he doesn't know what you're talking about; you're here until he gets enough of you.
Madara. Not dick and not pussy, he goes hard for power. There is nothing hotter than a show of dominance and proof of might. And there's an important distinction: it doesn't count asserting yourself over weaklings. No, he wants to take the most powerful person he can find and make them submit to him. His equal or his better that he can put on their knees. Ouch, such a ruthless elitist, give him the best or fuck off. I'm pretty sure that's why his opinion on women wasn't all that favorable, they're just inherently nerfed, there's no satisfaction in overpowering someone who's already lower on the totem pole. Though, you're welcome to try and prove him wrong. He means it — fight back, try to take control, he dares you. Immerse him in the physicality of the situation, attack him (and no, not with kisses), he wants the full sensual experience and the ego-boost of having subdued someone with fire and strength in their heart. And oh yeah, he loves getting physical, just make it worth his time. I think that would be the lens through which sex would begin to interest him. If he can't get that, then he'd rather focus on grander goals. Caveat: his stance is a bit different if we're talking about Madara pre-Izuna's death. He'd be more amenable, more emotionally inclined, and would be closer to an example of the healthy Adventurous type; viewing sex as a fun sport. Like, spar with him, wrestle on the floor, trust the process and his hands will find the right place to touch. I mean, he'd still be attracted to a similar dynamic, but it wouldn't be so uncompromising. Likely favorites: fuck-fighting. His hand pins yours down, your legs straddle his thigh, you raise it up so you can reach what's in-between with ease. The more movement, the better. Just don't get tardy, don't stare too much at his twitching cock or he'll get self-conscious and you'll ruin the tempo (about the same shyness as having someone watch him pee in canon lmao). Somewhat of a sadomasochist, but within reason: biting, scratching, taunting, generally only lite violence. And I swear everyone always ignores his obvious masochistic tendencies, he fucking loves feeling the impact of someone's mark on him, the issue is being powerful enough to be able to leave it.
DUTIFUL
Don't have a strong natural interest in sex. Within a relationship, they see sex as their obligation to their partner, but it's not a big priority to them. Usually tend to be intellectually inclined instead of sexual or emotional. Basically, many other things take precedence before sex even enters their peripheral.
Kakashi. Wooo, sex! ... Just kidding, it's not all that. Despite all the smut he reads on company time (based), he doesn't actually remember the last time he messed around with another person. More of a right hand connoisseur, if you will. Anyway, sex is rarely in his crosshairs. And no, it's not because he takes care of his desires with porn. I think it's pretty obvious that the porn is partly for pleasure, but mostly for escapism. Unfortunately, being a trauma dumpster comes with a lot of nasty side effects like anhedonia, and yeah, it's quite difficult to get into it when you're haunted by ghosts of the past. Look at him masking his emotional hurt with humor. :) Of course he can have sex, but I don't see him as a particularly engaging lover or at least for the sex to be rather infrequent. In fact, I think he'd rather avoid making commitments. *sigh* Why can't he just go see a prostitute? Oh, he can? Well… uh… 😳 ... Yeah. We know that he gets all flustered and blushy when confronted with sexual topics, like he's out of his field. Even at his best, he's more of the intellectual type than the physical or passionate type. So, while technically he can... will he? Hm. Nah, he'd rather go back to Icha Icha. Likely favorites: pseudo-sex. Mutual masturbation is nice and quick enuf. Voyeurism can be fun, of course with permission. It's basically like porn anyway. He'd rather not be acknowledged directly, though. Like, don't stare lovingly into his eyes, even the mask won't be able to hide his blush. The mask stays on, by the way. Non-negotiable.
Shikamaru. In his mind, sex is a very simple 1+1 equation. He gives you what you want, and you give him what he wants. Ez. Oh, remember: it'd be cool if you could 'look' good together. When you're out where other people can see you, be decent, okay? If you look like a good couple, people will view the both of you favorably. It's just easy good boy/girl points. As for what happens behind closed doors, whatever you want, honestly. Unless it requires him to do too much work, then he'd grumble about it. He'd still probably do it, let's not kid ourselves. I mean, he's probably scared of upsetting you, especially if you have a temperament (which he loves if you do, in fact please do, someone needs to melt his icy layer of indifference). Watch him enjoy it in the end, anyway. You're behind the wheel most of the time, just tell him what makes you happy, and he'll make sure the two of you have a mutually beneficial, functioning relationship. As far he's concerned, that's a reward on its own. Since he's the type to go with the path of least resistance, you can pave the way the river flows. If you don't like what you get, then you weren't honest with your desires from the get-go, babe. So yeah, either he adapts to you, or you have vanilla sex. He would take initiative and use that brilliant mind of his on some special occasions, though. If he doesn't give you the most satisfying orgasm on White Day every year, then you can call him out on failing spectacularly. Likely favorites: here's a good one: he lies on his back and you straddle him on top until he's hard enough to sit on. That way he doesn't have to do anything but still gets off. Absolute perfection.
Neji. His view on sex goes somewhere along these lines: sex is part of the contract and he wants to uphold his end of the bargain. Which also probably means no sex outside of an established monogamous relationship, but I'm not sure to which degree this extends. Would he still be fine with other sexual acts besides penetration casually? Maybe, but if you come at him with these requests, then he will assume you want to change your last name to Hyuga eventually. If you want him, then please be proper about it and discuss the implication of this union. Understand that you are courting someone from a prestigious family, so are you sure that this is a responsibility you want and can handle? As you can imagine, it's never just about passion. Anyway, once you get into bed with him, you'll find that he leans traditional and safe, basically the tried and true combo of foreplay + missionary. He is considerate of what you like and would try his best to please you, but I think he'd be a slightly frigid lover (in fact, I had him in Frigid category before realizing he's not to that extreme). Not willing to try crazy, interesting stuff, and not even that sexually-inclined. The most adventurous he's willing to get is using his Byakugan to detect your erogenous areas. Respect is a big deal to him, so there will always be an air of distance between you. Acts that could be interpreted as objectification are insulting to him. He is a bit cold, which he can't change, but if nothing else he can assure you that you'll never feel like an afterthought to him because he takes you very seriously. Likely favorites: body exploration, and lite body worship. If you're his lover, he considers you very dear to him, so it's natural to him to want to show appreciation. He would like everything that is pleasant, quiet, and gentle: kissing, licking, caressing, hugging, whispering. Also, white or pastel lacy undergarments. He has an eye for elegance and tasteful embellishments so it would really be a visual treat to him.
Tobirama. Mark sexual intercourse on the calendar. You will be having it on the 20th, if the Daimyo does not unexpectedly whip up more documents to sort out the budget, in which case the scheduled intercourse will be happening on the 22nd at the earliest. As your lover, it is his duty to cater to your needs and desires, and he will unbegrudgingly do so. He signed up for it, after all. However, also as your lover, he is compelled to tell you that his obligation to you cannot interfere with his duties to the village. He hopes that you understand the hierarchy of priorities he has set out and why it has to be this way. Oh yeah, this guy's icy cold. I do have a bit more to add, though. While yes, he's not particularly sexually-inclined, he can get quite freaky. I can't overlook the fact that he was basically conducting morally dubious experimentation. Like, as a hobby, really. The implication of which is this: there's a lot of curiosity in him that he could bring to bed. If you don't like it, he's fine with having a very vanilla experience, but if you're up for something more engaging… well, he's read that having an outlet like that can be healthy. Still, prepare for sex to be a rare occurence in general. Likely favorites: orgasm control. He will have you wait weeks for a good fuck, then when he's finally in your arms (or you're in his), he will hit you with 'mm, you can hold it longer, can't you?' as he edges you just enough to almost get you to the point of release before withdrawing his cool hand from your body and watching you twitch and pant. Come to think of it, kind of a sadist. Also, gets creative using the shadow clones. How would you like to be fucked by two of him? Three?
--- DUTIFUL FRIGID
The ice queens (kings in this case lol). They're just not that interested in sex or emotion. They don't even really care about sex as a form of duty, at most it's an annoying obligation. These characters are very intellectual, so they're quick to rationalize and become disgusted by sex. Require very specific contexts to naturally feel inclined to engage in sexual activity.
Sasori. Not only does he have a stand-offish, aloof personality, but he lacks tactile perception, so sex wouldn't be that much of a worthwhile experience for him. Of course, his sight, hearing and (possibly) smell are there, so there is a way for him to enjoy some parts of the act. He doesn't have much interest in it, though. If he did, he wouldn't have turned himself into a doll to begin with. Though, while I think his libido is very low, something is there. Beauty and sex are interlinked, and the former is at the forefront of his priorities, so I'm thinking there has to be a reason for it. If nothing else, he is not blind to sexual appeal. I'm not sure how he'd express it, or perhaps he wouldn't. I doubt he'd use his creations for that purpose, because works of art aren't sex toys. You shouldn't soil masterpieces with bodily fluids. Speaking of masterpieces, since his body, too, is a work of art, I think his sexuality would be autoerotic. He'd get off on himself being perceived as ethereal. He's wants to see and hear affirmations of his desirability, but to also be just out of reach for his lover, like a god with a devoted worshipper. 'You can look, but you can't touch' sort of thing. What matters is that even though he's the object of desire, he's still in control. Likely favorites: lite crossdressing and worship, except he's the only one being worshipped. And don't touch him. Love him with your eyes and words. He didn't dress up for you to tear everything off, art isn't enjoyed in fragmented pieces. Also, body jewelry. Enchanting, of course, like everything else about him. For how secretive he is, sexually he really just wants to be beautiful and admired.
--- DUTIFUL NEUROTIC
The uppermost part of the dutiful quadrant, bordering on nurturing (hyper-sensitive). They're sensitive to the power exchange during sex, more easily worried by stuff, so there's too much going on in their heads to be able to actually enjoy sex. They're held back by their own trepidations and reservations. Might view sex as something dirty or beneath them.
Sasuke. I'm so glad this tier is called Neurotic because if I had to pick one word to describe Sasuke (or almost any Uchiha, for that matter), it would be exactly that. Sex is not straightforward with people like this. There are 'obstacles' that need to be overcome. Firstly, sex requires a lot of trust, and Sasuke is not one to give it freely. He's so high up on self-preservation scale that you might as well be an enemy until proven otherwise. Call it paranoia, but from his point of view he's being sensible. Secondly, sex is an intimate experience and intimacy feels invasive to him. He doesn't want you to know what he feels because feelings are a liability. Not only that, but they're often fleeting. He's aware of more things than he lets on; you think he doesn't know that those girls swooning over him were just chasing a short-lived high? Yeah, he knows. You wanting to fuck him means nothing to him. He's not even flattered. More wary, if anything. Does he view sex as beneath him? In a superficial way, he might. It's easy for him to look down on others for succumbing to their desires and feelings when he's built a fort around his own heart and can pretend it doesn't pertain to him. But here's something he doesn't want to admit: behind that fort lies a tender heart, keen and longing. What I'm trying to say is that good sex would absolutely wreck him. Tears in his eyes and tension in his muscles, staring at you like he's not really all there. It's just insanely difficult to get there because of how many defenses he puts up. Good luck if you think it's worth it. Likely favorites: merging his soul with yours so that a part of you forever lives in the very essence of who he is as a person, reframing the way he views the world as your worldview bleeds into his and he can no longer tell who he was before you. Also, biting. It helps him relieve tension, feel his own sense of agency, and grounds him in reality.
NURTURING
Cares less about sex and more about the cuddling and smooching prior or post coitus. They see sex as a way of connecting with and providing for their lover. Doesn't emphasize the raw libidinal aspects of sex but more-so the relational, emotional aspects. Has paternalistic energy. Very loving, but not exciting.
Iruka. Papa Iruka's home. I feel like this tier was made specifically for him. Big heart, soft disposition. More than any other character, he doesn't 'fuck', he 'makes love'. And it's important the way you phrase it, because it reflects the mentality behind the act. For him, sex is a genuinely tender act, like a wordless love confession. There's nothing ambiguous about him, you will know he desires you if he puts in that extra care and attention into things involving you. Well, he does that for everyone, but there will be an extra layer of care just for you. You will also know because he'll get flustered upon you reciprocating. Yep, he wears his heart on his sleeve, and it will definitely show during sex when the emotions are especially heightened. The type of person that will make the most basic acts feel deeply profound due to how much sincerity and warmth they're seeped with. You will be seen, and heard, and held, and loved, and he won't allow it to be any other way. Sex is never just for sex's sake, it's also for the emotional bonding, and for him to show you that, yep, he really, really, really likes you and even more than that, wants you very, very, very happy. Wholesome-maxxing every single day. I'm just sitting here, trying to think of like half a flaw that he could have… umm, the worst is that the passion might turn a bit stale. A bit boring. It's easy to love what serves you and it's even easier to take it for granted, I mean people get bored of the same old. It's up to you to spice it up because that's not something on his mind. Likely favorites: something sweet and nice and intimate and validating. Little moments of you gazing at each other that linger for a few seconds as he gently strokes your cheek before a deep kiss. Pillow talk afterwards is the best thing ever. <3
Yamato. He's such a good mix of by-the-book and adaptive. I think he's one of the healthiest characters when it comes to sex, and it's a bit weird to say that because of how messed up his backstory is. He's quite emotionally attuned by nature (I say this because it meant a lot to him to have positive emotional feedback from his team, meaning it's a priority). Just because he wasn't allowed to develop the skills for it, doesn't mean his natural inclinations went away, just suppressed. But I think this inherent tenderness would blossom up during particularly intimate moments such as during sex. You can modify behaviors but you can't change the core of who you are, after all. It doesn't have to be sex for him to gradually soften up, either. In fact, sex probably doesn't even make it to his top 10. He's happy to ocassionally indulge in it, especially if his lover wants it, but he's equally happy with just hand-holding or smooching, or staring into the sunset together if you'd prefer. Probably not as awkward as some might want to headcanon, but even if he does something wrong (which he'll try very hard not to), he'll be quick to react and fix it. I can't imagine him as anything other than attentive and considerate, but also lowkey. Like: wait, did anyone even know that Yamato has a lover? Likely favorites: he's so happy with just default vanilla stuff, he really doesn't need or want anything extra. As far as he's concerned, it's already a big privilege to be in bed with you. He likes your smile and the glint in your eye that informs him you're enjoying him, that's the best gift you can give him.
Itachi. One word: understated. The way he goes about romance and sex is contained like a quiet little stream. You need to go out of your way to scoop its water up. And only when you get close enough do you realize how deep of a wellspring it is, enough to drown in. Are you getting tired of his metaphors? Don't expect him to drop the lyrical language, he will never be explicit in either meaning of the word. But please don't misunderstand him, he's not dubious. Unlike most other intellectual types, he's very emotionally attuned. Being particularly sensitive and intuitive, he always knows what your desire of the night is, sometimes even before you do. He'll pick up on the smallest detail, like a playful glint in your eye, and use it to adapt to exactly what you wish. If you're feeling mischievous, he will tease you, booping you on the tip of your nose before kissing it, then falling victim to your contagious laughter. If you're feeling down, he will have you leaning against his shoulder as he traces a little heart over your back — as a little nonverbal confirmation that whatever happens, you will always have his love and support. If you're feeling horny, he would, as he'd say, 'stir a fire in your heart with indulgent passion' or maybe 'have you quiver and swell under him'. One thing stays consistent though: his touch is always gentle. In general, he's the type of person to give everything and take nothing back. And that's where his underbelly might show: he doesn't do well with reciprocation. You will never love him the way he loves you simply because he doesn't allow himself to be loved to that extent. You'd think he wants it to be one-sided. Likely favorites: he's a service top through and through. Loves coaxing reactions from you, seeing your face coil in pleasure and relief. It feels so good to serve the person he loves. Gets mesmerized by your body's responses such as twitches, tension, shivers, or winces, and ends up staring intensely before getting a bit self-conscious and looking away with flushed cheeks. Strong preference for gentle and loving acts, so no, he will not degrade or hurt you, even if you really, really want him to.
--- NURTURING HYPER-SENSITIVE
Philophobic. Fears love. Or in this case, fears sex. Emotionally might be interested in (or curious about) it, but behaviorally leans towards asexuality. Not necessarily put off by it, but fearful of and uneasy with the intimacy that comes with it.
Gaara. To be honest, he's still learning what healthy platonic interactions with others are, so for him to indulge in something even more complex, that is romantic and sexual relationships, is a very big step. And he's not really sure if he's ready for it. The fear is two-fold: he fears being seen to that degree, in a way that he hasn't been seen before, but also fears his own ability to hurt or disappoint his lover. He first needs to grow more comfortable with the idea. Please wait, like a grain of sand waits in the desert for the sun to rise. Oh, was that a bad metaphor? Sorry, he isn't very good at this. He just wants you to know that his affection is real, and he's not rejecting you because he doesn't feel for you, but rather because he feels too much and doesn't know if it won't spill out of him in improper ways. He's blind to the fact that you might actually want it to spill out that way, that it's the point. Perhaps if you can get him out of his shield of sand and crumble the armor underneath, immerse him in your passions, he'd like to find out what real desire feels like. Despite the cold start, he'll eventually match your intensity, like in that metaphor: the sun will warm the sand come morning. But first you have to let him into your world, as that will become the ultimate standard that his own sexuality develops around. And I say develops because that was not something he ruminated much about before, this is really new and really nerve-wracking for him. Likely favorites: umm… is holding hands while sweetly looking into your eyes okay? 😊 … Could you please trace your finger across his back again? … Could you please take control again; he loves how your fingers wrap around him? … Is it okay if he kisses your hand afterwards? … O-oh, the color of his cheeks could rival his crimson hair? … Yes, he leans towards submission, at least at first. The way you touch him will be the way he touches you. It's not that he's delicate but he's quite sentimental, so please play nice.
--- NURTURING DELUSIONAL
They're emotionally deep and they want to dive deeply into the ideal of relationships. However, unlike core Nurturing, instead of wanting to care for their partner, they're more self-centered - they just want to realize a perfect fantasy brought to life. They use sexual relations as a way of indulging themselves into this fantasy, as a temporary escape from reality.
Nagato. He lives most of his life in his head. Not only is he the strongly introverted type, a deeply traumatized man, but he's also not very physically mobile. A prisoner of his own thoughts, basically. Sex, like many things, is delulu land to him. He has a particular vision in his head of how he'd want it to play out, but he knows that it's literally impossible in his current state. For one, in his fantasies, he's not essentially bedridden. Being met with the prospect but not being able to act on it would make him grow even colder and more jaded, so he just... avoids it. Not to get too esoteric (although he totally would), he probably just transmutes his sexual energy into other things. But yeah, I don't think he's asexual. He probably fantasizes about it, once a moon, but as an alternate universe sort of thing, like what could have been but will never happen. Would change the topic or get dismissive if asked about it (he really doesn't need reminders on just how much was taken from him). Likely favorites: something like soft mommydom/daddydom stuff. If he's opening his cold, guarded heart to you, then he's also opening the side of himself that desperately wants to feel nurtured and loved. He would be soft and adoring with his lover, but would need to have that reciprocated tenfold. If you're a woman, he especially likes the idea of breastplay, softly squeezing and sucking, kneading your skin like a kitty. Would love to have his head caressed, and be referred to with affectionate petnames.
ASEXUAL
Characters that aren't interested in having sex.
Orochimaru. Sex sounds rather inane. He understands reproductive sex, but doesn't really understand recreative sex. It all sounds like a terrible waste of time. Even if it is for reproduction, he isn't interested in symbolic immortality through offspring, he wants the real deal. Of course, he is aware of the evolutionary drive, perhaps even more than the average person, yet he's also keenly aware that he himself lacks it. Sex just doesn't provide the type of stimulation that he enjoys, it's not intellectual enough. It's either for a personal power-trip or for bonding, and he's not drawn to either of those things. Admittedly, gestation is interesting, but that's a consequence of the act, not the act itself. Perhaps an artificial life form could be created using a similar principle of mitosis. Dear, are you sure you came asking the right person about sex? It's not something he's ever been interested in. Just know this: he's going to have a laugh if you try to seduce him, genuinely. You've misread him in a very pathetic way, it's like you don't know your target at all. Such a callous approach. Oh, but don't take it personally. We all make mistakes, it's just that we also have to suffer their consequences. Mockery is far from the worst thing you can experience. Now, about that artificial life form…
Zetsu. More interesting than I thought. Going to explain in a roundabout way. Traditionally, there are two androgyne archetypes: sexual and neuter. Sexual androgynes are highly sexed, with pronounced, overt primary sexual characteristics, breasted and bepenised (think Satan in Devilman Crybaby). Neuter androgynes are phenomenologically neutral: unbreasted (male chest) and unbepenised, that is to say, nothing is overt, it's all flat. I think he's a perfect example of the latter. An essentially sexless entity. A 'divine' androgyne. It makes sense, Zetsus don't need sex, they don't reproduce in the conventional sense. And while Zetsus do possess intellectual curiosity, I don't think it extends to sexual curiosity, because they don't have the capacity for emotion and therefore don't have libido. But I also don't think it'd be awkward to interact with Zetsu about sex, because it's such a blank: no shame, no ridicule, no risk, nothing. Come to think of it, I bet Zetsu asked Obito a lot about puberty when he was going through his personal boyish hell in that cave. I can already imagine Madara probably pretending to be asleep so he doesn't accidentally become a father figure to Obito by giving him the boy talk lol. Hey, Zetsu would've listened attentively to learn more about this 'hooman' stuff. But yeah, it's a literal alien life form trying to figure out the reproductive behaviors of the human species.
i did my best to base this on their canon personalities, but everything is still filtered through me. i especially put in an effort to write in the character's 'voice', so for example more jokes on the light-hearted personalities and more clinical jargon on the coldly logical types. also don't take this as definitive, it's totally okay to interpret these characters in other ways.
this took way longer than i thought it would, wow. definitely a mental exercise. but it was a lot of fun trying to figure out what the boys might be into.
also, i only wrote for characters that i personally like or are part of the main cast, but it still turned out to be way more work than i bargained for hah 😖
ft:: madara uchiha, hashirama senju, and tobirama senju
Madara Uchiha - Physical Touch
Madara seems like the type of man who enjoys being physically affectionate with his partner. In ways like keeping your hand in his if the two of you are out on a walk kissing you while you’re resting, and even allowing you to run your hands through that long hair of his.
He would most likely rather keep the pda to a minimum. So in the event that the two of you are out in public I like to think that he’d be the type to keep your fingers intertwined or have a hand resting on your body. Also since he’s a Shinobi of Konohagakure I’m sure he’d feel the need to make up for lost time with his lover via physical touch.
On the days that you laze around the house and when Madara isn’t busy, he may tend to follow you around. He does enjoy spending time alone but that definitely only winning by a hair. When the two of you are settled together in bed, Madara just has to feel your body on his. Currently you’re laying on his chest, a hand of his rubbing on your back while the other strokes through your hair.
The feeling of his touch is immensely soothing for both you and him. He simply enjoys having his lover close and he’s sure you enjoy his touch as well. Physical affection is also one of the easier things for Madara to give, especially since he can easily read you to be able to tell if you’re a fan of it or not.
Hashirama Senju - Acts of Service
He just screams acts of service, helping you out with your work, cleaning and even helping you with your errands. He’d want you to understand that he’d be there for you for quite literally any and everything. Hashirama could also come off as a bit clingy towards his potential lover. Truly he just wants to be there for the person he loves and cherishes deeply.
I also think he would cherish quality time, especially if it’s with someone he intends on growing closer with.
You could be doing something as simple as tidying up your house, and Hashirama would surely be there to help you lift some of the ‘weight’ off of your shoulders, even if it is light. He would also enjoy quality time with the people he cares for.
He’d like to help you out personally as well. Brushing through your hair if you were too tired to do it yourself, and even soothing you in whatever way may be sufficient.
Tobirama Senju - Gift Giving
Tobirama seems to be the type of man who has a way of words until it comes to a romantic situation. Due to the weight of saying the wrong thing to someone he’s trying to bond with. Hence why I think he’d like the idea of giving gifts. Whether it’s a small trinket, a book you were interested in or even a pretty piece of jewelry he would definitely want you to know that he cares for you and takes note of what you may like.
When he does give you these things he doesn’t expect the favor. He would do this out of his own desire to please and satisfy his lover.
He seems to be the type to pay attention to what you like. If the two of you were talking and you expressed that you would like to have the said item, if he felt that it held importance he would give you want you wanted.
I also believe that he would enjoy physical touch, kissing on you especially. He wouldn’t be too keen on expressing that kind of love in a public setting, but when the two of you are in private he would undoubtedly be all over you.
hii there, could u write hcs for Hashirama Senju and Tobirama Senju (separate) being married to an uchiha reader ? Like shes Madara's older sister, is blunt,stoic and cold af, but after she falls in love shes way sweeter and affectionate (sfw and nsfw, but if ur not comfortable, either is ok)
₊˚ʚ ᥫ᭡.ִֶָ𓂃 𝑠𝑜𝑓𝑡 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑒𝑛𝑒𝑚𝑦 ꒰ྀི১ ໒꒱ིྀ
Tobirama x reader , Hashirama x reader {seperate}
ʚɞ. fem uchiha reader
tags : arranged marriage , fluff & smut , no other tags rlly , Hashirama is a simp
a/n :: Can you tell I have no idea how to write hcs without making it detailed asf??
masterlist naruto req rules
｡𖦹°‧ ⋆.˚ 𝖧𝖠𝖲𝖧𝖨𝖱𝖠𝖬𝖠 𝘴. ᢉ𐭩
—. Hashirama would first see you at the training grounds when he used to train with Madara. Battle ready, determined, now completely awestruck by the fierce way you twist your body to evade your teammate and strike back like a billowing storm.
“What are you staring at?” Madara snapped, crossing his arms in the way only a sassy twelve year old boy could.
Hashirama points, even though he knows it’s a rude gesture to point a finger at somebody. “Who is she?”
His training partner looks in the direction he pointed at and scoffs under his breath. “That’s just my older sister. Shes a show off so just ignore her!”
—. He would see you every so often around the village, but never had the courage to go up to you. Black hair swaying in the wind, jostling with each turn of your head. You never lowered your eyes for anybody, never cowered.
—. Anywhere you went, hashirama’s eyes would trail after you like a lost puppy who didn’t know where to go.
—. Madara noticed nearly immediately. Of course he did. The pair trained together at the same training grounds as you and all Hashirama did was stare, stare, and stare.
“Oi. What are you looking at?” Though this time he knew exactly what, or who, he was ogling.
Hashirama looked like a deer caught between a rock and a hard place. There was no denying who he’d been staring at for the last three minutes. “The tree. Over there.” He tried, pointed to a tree that had no significance. A bit too close to where you trained, sweat gleaming down your neck. He swallowed. “It looks funny, right?”
Madara’s eyes lowered in annoyance.
—. You were a ghost after that. Slipping through the shadows, never seen too long in one spot. You got busy, and so did he. There was not time to ogle, to daydream about how he would spill his love or what he would gift you on the first date—that is if you winded up accepting.
—. It had been months since he ever caught wind of your presence when he finally saw you. You were at a street vendor. Just before you could hand the cash over, Hashirama slid in beside you with a grin too big and paid for your meal.
You looked over your shoulder, eyes wide then narrowed. “Why would you do that?”
He shrugs. “Nice gesture.”
A scoff under your breath. You move to the waiting bay. He followed after you.
“People don’t just do nice gestures.”
His grin was splitting. “You’re madara’s sister right?”
You sigh, like the relation was bothersome. “Who’s asking?”
“me.” His chest puffs out. “I’ve seen you train a few times when we were younger.” At your dubious glare, his neck grows warm. “Uhm, not like that. We were at the same training grounds when Madara and I used to spar.”
Your silence spread for an aching moment, then your brow twitches in recognition. “I remember. He used to complain about how ditzy you were.”
Embarrassment flushed hot in his chest. “Ah.. did he now.”
—. After that, Hashirama saw you a lot more. The book store browsing for something light and easy to read, the weapons shop when your blades got too blunt or snapped at the hilt from usage, and then at the training grounds where you’d do pull-ups on a tree branch.
—. You weren’t one of the nicest women in the village. He knew that. There were probably a lot more well-mannered girls that his family would approve of. An uchiha? That would gain him a few odd looks and too many pitying glances. But Hashirama was weirdly drawn to you.
—. Your last name carried weight, and his did too. He found comfort in the fact that you could share that aspect of his life with him.
—. It was a hard task to even get you to be his friend, or friendly. You weren’t curt, a little bit too straight to the point for his taste, and you rolled your eyes so much he often worried about whether or not they would get stuck there.
—. Spending time with you for the first few months was more like sharing space. He would coincidentally show up to the training grounds and read on a nearby tree, not so subtly watching you train every now and then. You never stopped. You never told him to go away.
—. Then, you weren’t as rude. You didn’t shoulder off his attempts to spend time with you on official grounds. Finally, after so long, he took you out to a nice little cafe. If anyone asked him, it was a date. If anybody questioned you, it was not one.
—. To be married was a long, long road. You were friends for a few aching years, seeing each other without a label for another, before finally dating. After two years of dating he bought you a ring and proposed.
—. Hashirama realised something soon after you were married. You weren’t as cold and standoffish as you used to be. He remembered all the rolled eyes and the scoffs under your breath, now your eyes softened, your posture was a lot more at ease than he remembered.
You smiled a lot behind closed doors and got his jacket ready for the cold mornings.
He hasn’t gotten used to it yet.
Every touch, every smile, sends his heart racing into overdrive.
—. When Madara found out you were not just dating, but getting married, his fuse short circuited. The two of you? Married? You actually said yes to his dopey friend? Then he got strangely protective. You had rolled your eyes, sighed, and left. That was not your problem. But it was Hashirama’s, and he was sweating profusely.
—. And speaking of relatives finding out, hashirama’s was not any less thrilled. They were furious. His brother was not happy, but he wasn’t so loudly against it as their clan was. Tobirama still didn’t like the uchiha’s, tolerated you through a tight jaw, and moved on.
𝑛𝑠𝑓𝑤
—. Taking you on the marital bed for the first time was a process. He was a bit clumsy, you were nervous, and your tangled limbs and eagerness made it hard to manoeuvre.
—. Every time after that was a learning curve. He learned just the right angles that made your eyes roll for perfectly different reasons, pressed down on your clit right as you were about to cum just so he could hear what kind of noises you would make.
—. Hashirama is definitely a pleasure dom, but is open to letting you take control too.
—. One night you’re splayed on your back, the next your straddling his hips and sinking down on his cock with a guttural moan.
—. He whines. A lot. Breathless praises, hips slamming into your heat relentlessly. Cheeks flushed.
—. He cums inside. He wants children. He wants you to be swollen with sons and daughters. Its untamed hunger that gets released onto your poor, aching pussy.
—. Wakes you up with his mouth between your legs. Delving into your heat like a man starved. Eyes shut in ecstasy, hips rutting into the mattress, chin dripping in your arousal. He’s messy and unashamed.
—. His favourite position would be missionary. Any way that he could see your beautiful face twist up in pleasure, he’s loving it.
—. A kisser for sure. Chants I love you’s into your mouth when he cums, rutting his hips against yours, pumping you full of his seed, whining desperately as you claw at his back.
｡𖦹°‧ ⋆.˚ 𝖳𝖮𝖡𝖨𝖱𝖠𝖬𝖠 𝘴. ᢉ𐭩
—. I’m going to be honest. The only way I see you marrying this man is if it’s arranged for the benefit of both clans. His hatred for the uchiha does not waver much, if at all.
—. Finding out that he would be married to you was like looking up at the sky and realising it was caving in and you could do nothing about it. Tragic. Purely tragic.
—. You had about three months before the marriage ceremony would commence, three months to get to know a stranger before you would live with him for the rest of your life, and he ignored you for about half of it.
—. It didn’t matter to you, anyway. You went about your limited days as per usual, training in the senju clan grounds, going outside to watch the stars, slipping away from duty and expectation to go see your brother and relentlessly complain about how not fair this all was. But it’s not like he could do anything for you. Nobody could.
—. You got along with his brother Hashirama more than you ever wanted to with Tobirama. He was sweet, friendly, showed you around the compound so you wouldn’t get lost down the winding hallways and the streets that looked all the same. He tried to reassure you about his brother, though it fell hopelessly.
“It just takes him a while to get used to people.” He offered the comfort you didn’t need, smiling nervously as if he didn’t really believe himself either.
You stared, unimpressed.
—. In the last month and a half before your wedding day, tobirama approached you by the library. Not looking thrilled, he asked to join you on a walk around the gardens. You agreed out of pure obligation.
—. The walk was awkward, to say the least. Too forced on both ends. It was almost a challenge to see who would break the silence first. You did a whole lap around the garden beds and nobody spoke a whisper.
Then, before you would go inside to your respective rooms, he stopped. “I’m doing this out of duty. Don’t think I’d ever actually love somebody like you.”
His words hit cold.
You didn’t turn around. “I’m not here on a fantasy, senju. I care less about you than I do the weather.”
—. And for appearances, he continued to show up. Because if he didn’t the elders would have a fit. This was meant to be an alliance. A security between two clans. So he showed up to your door, escorted you to wherever you needed to be, all with a tight jaw and not making eye contact with you.
—. You and tobirama would be neck and neck with how indifferent you both are about each other. You argued through eyes alone, tightened your grip on his arm when you couldn’t verbalise how much you hated this.
—. It was out of duty, you both swore. Until it wasn’t.
—. The day of your wedding was grand. Both uchiha and senju gathered alike. Tobirama was still as a stone at the alter, awaiting his inevitable demise to walk down the rows of faces he recognised and those he didn’t.
—. When the doors swung open and the music started to play, your father walking you down the aisle to hand you off, something in Tobirama’s chest tweaked. It was subtle, annoyingly so, and he couldn’t drag his eyes away from you even if he tried.
—. You stepped onto the alter, hands interlinked with his. The cut of your dress was elegant enough to be modest, but showed enough of your cleavage to make him swallow. His eyes darted up to your eyes, you raised a brow.
—. The wedding carried on. His hand on your waist for appearances, all for show—he swore. You smiled when you had to, nodded respectfully to those who congratulated you and offered union gifts.
Once they dispersed, both of you sighed and pulled away from each other. Even when lingering felt almost natural.
“I hated that.” You muttered, tipping back the glass of wine eagerly. He grunted in agreement.
—. After the ceremony was done and you said goodbye to your family, you entered your marital room within the new home in the senju compound. It was stiff at first, too awkward for your liking because you knew exactly what happened in here.
“go to bed.” Tobirama sighed, loosening his tie.
“what?” You squinted, trying to decipher what his intentions were.
“Sleep.” He said again. “I will take the floor.”
For a moment you just stood there in your wedding dress, the one everyone expected him to take off. Then your shoulders slumped.
“I’m not letting my husband sleep on the floor.” You slowly unzipped the back of your dress. “I’ll just put a pillow between us.”
He scoffed something close to a laugh. “How childish.”
—. That next morning the pillow had somehow been discarded and Tobirama was curled around your back, an arm around your waist.
-. When he woke up he pretended like nothing ever happened. You did the same.
—. Between the lines of duty and alliances, he found himself tolerating you more and more. To the point where toleration bled into something warm.
—. Instead of the stiff hand on your waist, he held your hand. Duty, he said. But the way he leaned in to whisper something in your ear about the stupid meetings you had to attend said otherwise.
—. You weren’t immune to him as much as you tried to let on. Leaning in when he spoke, eyes drifting from his eyes to his lips frequently, smiling in private. The way marital duties slowly started to slip into your routine.
—. In the mornings Tobirama would wake up to coffee on the desk and you reading on the couch. Nothing was said but your eyes occasionally flicked to him, and his did you.
—. Before long duty turned into connection. He brought you out of the clan to the bookstore one evening. Stood back as you browsed, paid for it when you decided. Then it turned into visiting your brother.
Madara opened the door and glared when he saw Tobirama. “What are you doing here?”
the muscle in his jaw clenched. “Are you not happy to see your sister, Uchiha?”
You watched, annoyed with the both of them, and draggged Madara back inside by his ear. He may be big now, but you were still older.
“Shut up. The both of you.”
𝑛𝑠𝑓𝑤
—. When you finally build the connection enough to start getting intimate, tobirama is gentle. Nearly afraid of touching you. Something inside battled against each other, the part of him that used to despise uchiha, and the other that has grown soft for you.
—. The conviction would start because the clan elders started to push for children. It would solidify the alliance. They said that for the marriage. And now everytime he looks at you, inappropriate thoughts start to flash in his mind.
You caught him staring at you intensely. “Everything okay?” You asked, slowly, like he might startle out of whatever daze he was caught in.
He looked at you, neck growing red. One step forward. You raised an eyebrow. Then he got so close his chest pressed against yours. You swallowed.
For a moment he debated something. Was he ready to cross that line? he stepped away, jaw clenched tight. You watched him leave the room with bated breath and a heart that wouldn’t slow down.
—. And then one night, in the crack of midnight, tobirama laid restless. All he had been thinking about was you, of how soft your skin must feel, and he slid behind you. You had stopped putting a barrier between you, making it easy for him to bury his face into the crook of your neck. You stiffened, awake.
“Tobi?” You whispered, soft with sleep.
“Please.” His voice was guttural, rough with need. A hand slid lower down your waist, toying with your waistband.
—. Tobirama likes to act like he’s in charge, but one kiss below his ear has his hips jerking and mouth parting in a whiny groan.
—. Loves watching you ride him. Especially with your hair down. The glazed look in your eyes as he hammers into you from below sends him into overdrive.
—. Every night starts off sweet. A gradual ascent into fucking you stupid. He just can’t help himself. You claw at him like he’s the only thing you need, moan his name in a way that makes his head spin.
—. Mostly dominant, though likes to let you think you have control on occasion.
—. Not into anything exotic I don’t believe. Will partake in somno after lots of convincing on your part. He didn’t want to take advantage of you—ever. But after you woke him up with his dick hitting the back of your throat, he can’t say he doesn’t mind it.
—. Favourite position would probably be doggy and reverse cowgirl. Tobirama is nothing if he isn’t an ass guy. He loves the ripples in your muscles as he slams into you from behind, one hand tangled in your long inky locks, the other gripping your hip.
The moan you let out was simply sinful. Muffled by the pillows your fingers grip so tightly, quivering around his cock as he slams back into you again and again.
“tobi… hah.. slow—slow down!”
He grunted, eyes glazed over with lust. His hand tangles in the curls of your hair and pulls you up against his chest. Your sweaty skin pressed against his, hips rutting back against him despite the very words to slow down leaving you not too long ago.
“slow down?” He pants, sliding the hand that was in your hair up your body. Trailing teasing digits along your sensitive skin until they wrap around your neck. Light enough for you to breathe, insistent enough to hold you still.
You grip his forearm, words failing you as your orgasm built higher.
A/n :: So sorry this took so long!! Hopefully the length of it makes up for it. Dude I deleted this so many times and this time I’m finally happy with how it came out.
Loved doing this one though. Naruto will always hold a special place in my heart. Can you tell who my fav is out of the two? HAHA enjoyyy :3
“the moon cannot exist without the pull of the flame.”
pairing ˚₊‧ madara uchiha x hyūga!reader
cw ˚₊‧ arranged marriage, mentions of death & grief, slow burn, tension, healing, eventual comfort.
setting ˚₊‧ early konoha era — between peace and blood.
genre ˚₊‧ slow burn • angst • romance • historical
status ˚₊‧ ongoing series
summary ˚₊‧
In the dawn of konoha, peace is fragile and built on blood. to seal an alliance between the hyūga and uchiha clans, y/n hyūga, the graceful heir and head of konoha’s medical division, is forced into an arranged marriage with madara uchiha, the man whose clan murdered her mother.
Bound by duty, they live as strangers in the same home: the healer and the warrior, the moon and the flame.
But as y/n devotes herself to the uchiha people, tending their wounded, guiding their children, and earning the love of madara’s young sister , the walls between them begin to crack.
Badara, burdened by pride and loss, finds himself drawn to the woman he once despised, the only soul unafraid to face his fire, and y/n, torn between grief and understanding, learns that no clan feels love as deeply, or as dangerously, as the uchiha.
A tale of duty, forgiveness, and a love born from ashes, when the moon dared to touch the flame.
note ˚₊‧
Hi, i’m jasm ♡ this is my first post after a long break , writing again feels like returning in my covid era. thank you for being here ( ˘͈ ᵕ ˘͈♡)
masterlist ˚₊‧ [link here]
story masterlist ˚₊‧ [link here]
The air in the Konoha central clinic smelled of dried herbs, boiled linen, and the faint, metallic tang of sterilization chakra. It was a scent Y/N Hyūga associated with order; in a world so recently built from the blood and mud of a dozen battlefields, order was the only solace.
She moved through the ward like a still point in a turning world. At twenty two, she was the jōnin Head Director of the hospital, and she commanded it with a quiet, unyielding grace. Her pale lavender gray eyes, the Byakugan, were not activated, yet she saw everything. The dip in a patient's breathing, the tremor in a young nurse’s hand.
"Y/N-sensei," the nurse whispered, her voice tight with panic. "The tenketsu points on his left arm, they won't stabilize. This fire style jutsu... it's dissolving his chakra pathways."
Y/N’s gaze settled on the shinobi. A Senju, barely twenty, his face slick with fever. His left arm was a ruin of charred flesh and sluggish, laking chakra.
"You have done well to contain the necrosis," Y/N said. Her voice was soothing. "Step back. I will take it from here."
She stripped the white hospital coat from her shoulders, leaving her in her simple lilac robes. Her hands, pale and slender, hovered over the wound.
"Byakugan."
The veins and muscles around her eyes expanded. The world dissolved into a tapestry of gray and silver. The fire was not simple flame; it was a curse of chakra, designed to eat, to linger, to destroy from within. It clung to the boy's network like poison ivy.
Her hands ignited in the soft, pale green of medical chakra. But where others would flood the area, Y/N’s control was finer. She spun her chakra into microscopic needles, a thousand tiny, precise instruments. She did not douse the dark fire; she began, thread by thread, to un-weave it from the Senju’s own.
For an hour, she did not move. The nurses watched, mesmerized. They called her the "White Fire of the Hyūga," not for her passion, but for the intensity of her focus; a flame that healed where others consumed.
Finally, with a soft exhale, the last of the dark chakra dissipated. The boy's breathing evened. "He will heal," Y/N said, her voice quiet with exhaustion. "See to his dressings."
She was washing her hands when Hashirama Senju found her, his Hokage robes already rumpled, his face alight with his usual, chaotic energy. "Y/N-chan! Perfect! I was just coming to see you. Tobirama is complaining about our budget for the new children's wing again, can you believe him? I need you to look over these requisitions and tell me if-"
A sharp, formal rap at the door cut him off. A Hyūga guard stood in the doorway, clad in the stark white of the Main Family. He did not look at the Hokage. His pale featureless eyes were fixed on her. "Y/N-sama. Your father, Hisasi-sama, requests your presence at the compound. Immediately."
The warmth in the room vanished. Hashirama’s smile faltered, his boisterous energy replaced by a sudden concern. He knew, as she did, that Hisasi Hyūga never "requested." He commanded.
"I... of course," Y/N said, her voice regaining its formal ton. She bowed. "Hokage-sama, forgive me. My duty calls." "Y/N..." he began, worried. "I am sure it is a small matter," she lied.
The Hyūga compound was silent, a stark contrast to the hospital's vibrant, aching life. Here, emotion was a flaw, a thing to be controlled, polished away like a smudge on a perfect surface.
She paused outside her father’s study, the shoji screens casting a pale, milky light. She checked her reflection in a polished lacquer box by the door. Her long black hair was tied back. She took a breath, smoothed the front of her robes, and knelt.
"Father. You sent for me."
She slid the screen open and entered, bowing her head as she took her place on the tatami mat across from him. Her father sat in perfect seiza, his hands resting on his knees. His Byakugan was not active, but she felt his gaze rake over her.
"You smell of the hospital chaos, and Senju" he said. His voice was flat. "You were with the Hokage." "I was, Father," Y/N replied calmly. "He wished to discuss about some concern." Hisasi interrupted. "I see. But what we require is stability between clans. His 'village' is a dream held together by hope and charisma. Hope is not a foundation, Y/N. Charisma is not a treaty."
Y/N remained silent, her hands folding gracefully in her lap. "The Uchiha," he said, the name dropping into the room like a stone. "They are the crack in this new foundation. They follow Madara, and Madara follows only his own pride. They are a fortress within our walls. They will, inevitably, be the source of the next war."
A knot of familiar, cold dread tightened in Y/N’s stomach. "The Uchiha were responsible for Mother's convoy," Y/N said, her voice quiet but unwavering. It was the one grievance that was hers. "Yes," Hisasi said, his pale eyes finally meeting hers. "They took your mother, they spilled our blood. That is precisely why this new accord is necessary."
He slid a single, unadorned scroll across the low table. "The Senju offers words. The Hyūga will offer blood. We will bind the Uchiha to this village in a way they cannot break. We will forge an alliance that will force peace." Y/N stared at the scroll. Her heart rate was slowing, her extremities growing cold. "You have... arranged a marriage," she stated. "I have." She thought of her younger brother, Haru. "You cannot mean Haru. He is... he is not a diplomat. It would be a disaster." "To send Haru would be an insult. A sign of weakness." Hisasi's gaze was sharp, pinning her. "The Uchiha are a clan of power. They respect nothing else. They will not be bound by a child. They must be bound by an equal : by our strongest."
The room was suddenly very small. "Father... what have you done?" "I have done my duty as clan head. And you will do yours, as the heir." He tapped the scroll. "You will marry Uchiha Madara."
The sound of her father's voice dismissing her was a distant hum. Y/N stood, bowed, and slid the shoji screen of his study closed. She didn't remember walking. She was suddenly just... outside. The village was alive around her, the smell of cook-fires, the shout of a merchant, the ringing of a hammer. It all felt like a painting : distant, flat and cold
Her feet carried her past the hospital. She couldn't go there, not now. She was walking to the Hokage tower. She went to find her friend. The guards at the tower bowed, "Y/N-sensei." "Is he in?" Her voice sounded strange to her own ears. "Hokage-sama is... yes. He's in."
She didn't wait. She took the stairs, her steps quick and silent. She didn't knock. Her hand was on the door, sliding it open with a sharp, rattling whoosh. Hashirama looked up, his dark eyes wide with surprise, a half-eaten rice ball in his hand. "Y/N? What is it? Another attack? Is the hospital-"
He stopped. He truly looked at her. She was paler than her Hyūga blood usually allowed. Her hands, those instruments of perfect, steady control, were clenched at her sides, shaking. A fine, violent tremor she couldn't seem to stop. "Y/N..." He was on his feet in an instant, his chair clattering to the floor. "What happened? What's wrong?”
Y/N opened her mouth. No sound came out. She tried again. "He... my father." "Hisasi? What did he say? Did he forbid you from working at the hospital? I'll speak to him, Y/N, I swear I will-" "No." She held up a shaking hand. "It's... the alliance. The one we all wanted." A terrible, cold understanding began to dawn on Hashirama's face. He knew the old ways. "Y/N... what did he do?" "He said... he said the Hyūga would offer blood. To bind the Uchiha. To force the peace." Hashirama's face went white. "A... a political marriage? He's forcing Haru to...?"
Y/N let out a sound that was almost a laugh. It was a terrible, broken thing. "No. Not Haru. That would be an insult. They are a clan of power, he said. They must be bound by our strongest." She finally looked up, her pale, lavender-gray eyes meeting his dark ones. The shock was finally cracking, revealing the raw, 14-year-old grief beneath. "He's marrying me to Uchiha Madara."
The name hung in the air between them, a declaration of war disguised as a promise of peace. Hashirama stared at her. His mouth opened, then closed. The man who could command armies looked utterly, devastatingly helpless. "He can't," Hashirama whispered. "Madara... Y/N, he...he’s my friend but I won't allow it. As Hokage, I forbid it." Y/N shook her head, the last of her strength failing. "You can't. It's a clan matter. You know it is. It's... it's done. The contract is drawn."
She took a staggering step forward, her hand landing on his desk to steady herself, scattering scrolls. "He's giving me to the man... to the clan... that killed my mother, Hashirama. He's calling it peace."
Hashirama’s face crumpled. "But... you, Y/N. Your mother. How can you...?" "He asks because I am the heir," she said, her gaze distant. The shock was being replaced by a deep, bottomless exhaustion. "It is my duty. The same as yours." She straightened, her hands performing the simple, familiar gesture of smoothing her robes. The moment of crisis was over. "I must go," she said. "I won't be at the hospital tomorrow, Hashirama." The simple, domestic statement struck him harder than her grief. "What? Why?" "My father has arranged a meeting. A formal introduction. With the Uchiha family," her voice was perfectly level. "Tomorrow evening. I am to... prepare."
She bowed, a deep, formal bow that was suddenly miles away from the friend who had burst into his office. "Hokage-sama." She turned and left, her back straight, her steps silent, leaving him alone with the ruins of his perfect, peaceful dream.
Y/N walked from the Hokage Tower in a daze. Her limbs felt heavy, her movements automatic. The sounds of the village, the shouting merchants, the ringing of hammers on the new Academy roof, were a distant, muffled hum, as if she were underwater.
Uchiha Madara.
The name was a black, cold stone in her stomach. A nightmare. A sentence. She was walking, but she had no destination. She just... had to move.
"Nee-san!"
The voice was a bright, familiar, painful sound. It cut through her fog like a kunai. She stopped, her head turning. Haru, her seventeen-year-old brother, was jogging toward her, his jōnin flak jacket unzipped, his face bright with a post-mission high. He was the picture of the normalcy she had just lost.
"Just the person I was looking for!" he grinned, stopping in front of her. "I finished that patrol early. Let's go to Ichiraku, my treat. You've been cooped up in that hospital for-" He stopped, his smile faltering. He wasn't a sensor, but he was her brother. He saw her. "Nee-san?" he asked, his voice softening. "Are you okay? You look... pale. More than usual."
This was it. The first test. The first lie. Y/N manufactured a smile. It felt brittle, thin, like a paper mask that would tear. "I'm fine, Haru," she said, her voice sounding falsely bright to her own ears. "Just... a long day. The hospital budget meetings were... exhausting."
He frowned, not entirely convinced, but he accepted the plausible, boring excuse. "See? You need ramen. Come on. A few minutes. It'll cheer you up." He tugged on her sleeve.
She couldn't. She couldn't sit with him. She couldn't listen to his cheerful, simple stories about his mission. She couldn't bear his happiness while this cold, dark secret was suffocating her. She gently pulled her arm free. "I can't, Haru. I... I'm sorry." The lie tasted like ash. "There's... there's a new shipment of medical supplies at the hospital. I... I have to catalog them before dark."
His face fell in open, boyish disappointment. "Oh. Right. Work, work, work." He tried to rally, giving her a playful shove on the shoulder. "Rain check, then! Don't let Hashirama-sama and those stuffy budgets work you to death, Nee-san." "I won't," she lied. "See you at home!" he said. With a final, cheerful wave, he turned and ran off toward the market, oblivious.
Y/N watched him go. The smile on her face didn't just fade; it crumbled. She was, for the first time, completely and utterly alone. She had just left her only friend in the tower. And she had just lied to her only family. This was the real weight of peace. It was a burden she had to bear in silence. She turned, her heart a cold, heavy stone, and walked, not to the hospital, but home to the white, silent, empty walls of her compound. Earlier that day. The Uchiha Compound.
The room was dark, lit by multiple candles that cast long, flickering shadows. Madara sat at the head of a long, dark-wood table, his eyes closed, his presence a cold, heavy void. His father, Tajima Uchiha, and three of the clan's most powerful elders sat in the shadows.
"The Senju are one pillar," Tajima said, his voice a low, gravelly rasp. "We are the other. The Hyūga... are a loose stone. They are a threat." An elder, his face a map of old scars, nodded. "Hisasi Hyūga is pragmatic. He has offered a solution. A... bond. A marriage."
Madara's eyes opened. They were cold, black, and utterly devoid of interest. "A marriage. We will give one of our branch cousins to their heir. It is... trivial."
"No," Tajima said, his voice hard. "Hisasi is not a fool. He does not offer his heir for a branch family. He offers... his strongest... for our strongest."
A pause. The air in the room grew heavy, the pressure of Madara's chakra a physical weight. He understood. "You are joking," Madara's voice was not a question. It was a low, dangerous growl. "You want to bind me... the leader of the Uchiha... to a Hyūga?" His disgust was palpable. It was not just a rival clan; it was them. Their "weak" eyes, their "rigid" customs.
"It is not a joke," the scarred elder snapped. "It is logic. It neutralizes our most dangerous dōjutsu rival. It binds the Hyūga's neutrality to us. With this, the Senju cannot move against us. We will have the Byakugan as an asset, not a threat."
Madara's hands slammed onto the table. He stood, his shadow swallowing the room. "I will not be... sold... for a treaty. I am Uchiha Madara. I lead this clan. I do not... whore... for it."
"You WILL!" Tajima roared, standing to meet his son's gaze, his own Sharingan flaring to life. "This is not about your pride! This is about survival! You swore an oath to protect this clan. This... this... is how you protect it!" The elder's voice was a furious hiss. "You will bind that pale-eyed princess (he spat this last word) to our house, and you will chain her entire clan to our interests. It is your duty."
A long, terrible silence stretched, filled only by the hiss of the candle. Madara's own Sharingan blazed, a crimson, spinning vortex of rage. He was at war with his father, his duty, his hatred of the Hyūga. Finally, the crimson faded. His face became a mask of cold, hard ice. He had made his choice.
"...Fine." The word was a chip of obsidian. "I will do my duty." He turned, his black robes sweeping. "Prepare the contract. But... make no mistake." His voice was a flat, lethal promise. "She... is a duty. Not a... wife." He swept from the room, leaving the elders in the dark, his cold, furious sacrifice hanging in the air.
𓂃 ࣪˖ 𓂃 ࣪˖ 𓂃 ࣪˖ 𓂃 ࣪˖ 𓂃 ࣪˖ 𓂃 ࣪˖ 𓂃 ࣪˖ 𓂃 ࣪˖ 𓂃 ࣪˖ 𓂃 ࣪˖ 𓂃 ࣪˖ 𓂃 ࣪˖ 𓂃 ࣪˖ 𓂃 ࣪˖ 𓂃 ࣪˖ 𓂃 ࣪˖ 𓂃 ࣪˖ 𓂃 ࣪˖
I hope you liked the first chapter. Don't hesitate leaving a comment or a repost ! Luv yall Jasm.
Notes : I just read this chapter and there is some format problem on mobile I’m sorryyy I’ll try to fix it later
It's 2 AM and your phone is blowing up with absolute nonsense.
Warnings: None. Pure crack, just for funsies! | Naruto, Kakashi, Iruka, Tsunade, Hashirama, Itachi, Sasuke, Jiraiya, Shikamaru, Shino, Kiba, and Orochimaru
a/n: OMG 2 new AUs in less than 24h? That's a new record. PLEASE let me know if you guys like SMAUS because I have so many more intrusive thoughts to share. I loved making them! I got all these ideas from Pinterest, tho! Enjoy. Comments & reblogs are more than welcome <3 (I freaking LOVED the Shino one HJSAJJKADSAKJ)
Hashirama
Naruto
Shikamaru
Kakashi
(a/n: I apologize for the weird emoji)
Iruka
Orochimaru
Itachi
Tsunade
Jiraiya
Kiba
Shino
Sasuke
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🎀 DO NOT repost, modify, or feed my content to AI. All rights to the original writing and plots belong to me! | Divider by the myth, the legend @cafekitsune
