#dc comics funny

[lustwithoutlore]

Stephanie, clearly upset: I just spent $30 at the grocery store and all I got was eggs, mayonnaise, fruit, and pop.

Tim: Oh so prices have gone down, that’s good.

Stephanie: …. I really hate you sometimes, Tim. Really hate you.

Tim: Isn’t $30 for all that cheap?

Stephanie, calling Jason: I need an immediate extraction I’m about to kill Tim.

Jason: … And you need the extraction, why?

[useless-mortal]

Headcanon that all the batfam quotes vines on the daily and bruce doesn't understand any of them

Dick, gets thrown into the side of a building during battle, groaning: Mother trucker dude, that hurt like a buttcheek on a stick

Bruce, rushing over to him: Are you oka-Wait what did you just say?

Jason, approaching a villain he shot: Miss Keisha? Miss Keisha

Jason, turning to Bruce who's standing behind him: Oh my fuckin' god, she fuckin' dead

Bruce: Jason we've been chasing this guy for three blocks, who's Miss Keisha? Wait you didn't kill him did you? Jason we talked about thi-

Tim, in the middle of a family dinner: So I was standing there. Barbeque sauce on my titties

Barbara: *snorts violently into her drink*

Bruce, looking between them, concerned: W-When did this happen?

Dick, while fighting: What the fuck is up Kyle? No what did you say, dude? What the fuck, dude?

One of the villains they're fighting, in the distance: STEP THE FUCK UP KYLE

Bruce, also fighting: CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT THIS IS?

Alfred, serving them all a meal: Hurricane katrina, more like hurricane tortilla

Jason and Alfred: *high five*

Bruce, defeated: Not you too, Alfred

Alfred, shrugging: I'm sorry, Master Wayne. I had to do it for the vine

[howdoistopthetrain]

Bruce: *highlights an entire page of notes*

Clark: bro, you know you’re only supposed to highlight the most important ones right?

Bruce: *highlights Clark’s hand*

Clark: what was that for bro?

Bruce: you’re important to me bro

Clark: bro

[thegoddamnfangirl]

Sorry, Do You Take Your Coffee Black?

Pairings- Bruce Wayne and Damian Wayne (platonic)

Summary- Bruce is a patient father. Damian recognizes this and tries- really tries- to be nice. Only Damian’s idea of nice isn’t shared by most people. Fluff, humour.

It was one of those days where “tired” didn’t really cut it.

Bruce felt like a reanimated corpse, being forced to type out a report with bloodless, half rotten, barely working fingers.  Which had dry bones.

He cracked his knuckles and stretched a little, pulling his gauntlets off. Alfred had gone upstairs after he was convinced that Bruce wasn’t going to bleed out all over the cave’s floor. Just this mission report for the JL, and he could-

A text message beeped on Bruce Wayne’s phone. That was odd- Batman got late night messages, rarely ever Bruce Wayne.

He picked up the phone and checked the text.

Bruce

It’s father’s day and dick says we love you so whatever. Have a good one.

-J

Father’s day. He’d forgotten. Until he had Dick and Jason, Father’s Day had been…somewhat a bitter occasion. He actually liked it, now.

He almost smiled. Sending Jason a nicer reply than the text deserved, he sat back in his chair, thinking about the first Father’s Day with Jason around. He remembered his kid jumping on his bed to wake him up, bright and excited and just so happy.

He’d always been wild, spirited.

His phone beeped again- texts from Dick, very different from Jason’s.  Dick’s had a lot more heart emojis, for one thing- and a promise to call during the day.

Bruce mightn’t have said it, but he was glad to have made up with Dick. His oldest son was relaxing, laid back, the total opposite of what Bruce had been his whole life. A reminder that Batman wasn’t a result of a bitter and traumatizing event. That Batman was inside him all along.

Tim was asleep right now, but he had probably automated a message to be sent at midnight, because he got a nicely worded, almost cute message. Hopefully. Tim needed sleep.

Damian probably didn’t even know what Father’s Day was, thought Bruce, as he got back to writing his report.

He wasn’t surprised, though, when he heard the Manor entrance of the cave open. Damian’s soft steps barely made any noise as the boy made his way to his father’s chair in front of the Batcomputer.

“Damian, shouldn’t you be asleep?” said Bruce, turning to face him.

Damian stood straight, as usual, looking oddly determined. He had a steaming mug of- coffee? Coffee oh god he has coffee thank the lord I made this boy he has coffee- coffee in his hand.

“Grayson says it’s Father’s Day,” Damian began, his words slower and more deliberate than usual. “We’re supposed to show our affection for you today.”

Bruce blinked.

Damian took his silence as a cue to go on, and held the coffee forward.

“I made you some coffee,” he said, his tone completely neutral, his face blank.

Bruce reached out and took it.

“Thanks, Dami,” he said, a small smile tugging the corner of his mouth. “I really need this.” He took a sip- and just stopped himself from gagging.

He forced a smile. “This the first time you make coffee?” he asked.

Damian was watching him intently.

“I poisoned it,” he said.

Bruce froze.

“You…poisoned…you know, buddy, I really prefer my coffee black,” said Bruce, sitting up straight, the mug still in his hands.

“I know,” said Damian. “But Grayson says we ought to give you gifts and things.”

“So you’re gifting me…death.”

“No,” frowned Damian. “There isn’t enough to kill you. I’m going to poison your coffee everyday till you build up a proper immunity, and that’ll be my gift to you.”

With that, the boy turned on his heel and made to leave.

Bruce processed.

“Damian!” he called out.

Damian turned.

“Father?”

“Uh,” said Bruce, “that’s…thoughtful of you. Thanks, kid.”

Damian nodded, almost a smirk on his face, and went on.

Bruce took a long draught of his very bitter coffee, and grimaced. The things he’d do for his kids, sheesh.

AN: Hope you guys enjoyed that! Requests are open for Marvel, DC, both reader interactive and between canonical characters.

[forgotten-daydreamer]

Wally West: have you ever seen a man that was so beautiful you started crying?

Dick Grayson: well... [looks in the mirror] it happens every single day [starts sobbing]

@theforgottendaydreamer

[lustwithoutlore]

Damian, walking into the Batcave: I require assistance.

Dick: Sure, Dami! What can I help you with?

Damian: Not from you.

Bruce, thinking: Damian... Damian needs... father's help? MY help?

Bruce, being way too fucking smug: Ah, well, Dick, don't be sad. Sometimes a boy just needs his father. How can I help you, son?

Damian: Not from you, either. I require assistance from Stephanie.

Stephanie: HA! SUCK IT, BRUCE!

[lustwithoutlore]

Stephanie: Congratulations! You have won a lifetime supply of lemons!

Black Mask: You only gave me one lemon

Stephanie, pulling out a gun: yep

[lustwithoutlore]

Duke Tries to Trick Dick into Therapy!

Duke: Hey, Dick? Can I ask you something?

Dick: Sure! What's up?

Duke: Why do you feel the need to help everyone out yet you continuously self-sabotage your own life and refuse to take your own advice?

Dick: I-...

Duke: And you feel the need to act so jovial and charming all the time, but I bet it's all a cover. Why do feel like you need to wear this mask in front of everyone? Even the bats? We wouldn't judge you if you're not perfect all the time.

Dick: I guess it all stems from my childhood.

Duke: Ah. Have you ever heard of CBT?

Dick, disgusted: Um. That's a little out of place, Duke. I thought we were having a moment.

Duke: Wh- NOT COCK AND BALL TORTURE I MEANT COGNATIVE BEHAVIOURAL THERAPY!

Dick: Oh! ... Why would I need that?

Duke, about to hit his head against the wall: never mind.