Dick: Can I borrow five dollars?
Steph: If you’re only borrowing it, does that mean you’ll pay me back?
Dick: Of course.
Dick: Not directly, but with my love and affection.
Steph: So that’s a no.
Wally: Oh man, you have any shaving cream?
Dick: No, I don't like the way that it tastes.
Wally: Wait... you eat shaving cream?
Dick: No. Why would I eat it if I don't like the taste.
Hope you don’t mind, but could you contribute some Headcanons here? Like Batfam, in the future, and Tim and Steph have a baby. Imma gonna be evil and say, that they die, somehow. To the surprise of everyone Damian almost immediately starts taking care of the baby. Soon, before everyone knows it, Damian’s become a father to Tim and Steph’s baby, and everyone is just Shook.
Oh noes, teh evils!
Okay but anyway Dad!Damian is like my jam.
Damian is Not Happy. Drake and Brown did not have his permission to die. Rude.
By dying, they have upset the whole family. This is unacceptable.
There is also the baby.
Contrary to popular opinion, Damian actually likes children. Or, rather, one should say he envies them a little for actually being able to be children; so, when nefarious types try to take away that childhood, Damian takes it hella personally.
Drake and Brown have left a baby.
Damian is Not Pleased.
This baby needs protecting. This baby needs care. Someone must prevent anything from happening to this baby.
Damian decides right then and there that this baby is now under his protection until someone figures out how to fix this situation.
(After all, this family in particular has trouble staying dead, so if he waits long enough, he supposes somehow this will fix itself and then he’s going to have words with both Tim and Stephanie.)
Alfred on speed-dial, Damian sets about being the Best Goddamn Batguardian he can be.
This is mildly concerning for a number of people outside the family, but it’s common knowledge that members of the Bat family have never met a healthy coping mechanism in their lives and honestly watching this ex-assassin turned Robin aggressively hover-parent is the least concerning means of coping going on with that lot.
No one may hold the baby without getting past Damian first and god help you if you don’t hold the baby correctly.
Someone may have gotten threatened with a katana. Damian vehemently denies having hissed like a cat and holding the baby out of reach at members of the Justice League.
Cass, however, is allowed to hold the baby whenever she wants. She’s responsible, unlike some people.
Dick, attempting to cope in his own way, teases Damian about being such a dad. This escalates to sending Damian mugs with #1 dad on them and from there to dad themed things.
When Bruce comments about this, Dick sends him a #1 granddad mug.
(He is grounded but it is so worth it and it’s not like Bruce can actually ground a grown-ass man anyway.)
Jason, also having been trying to cope, discovers what Dick is up to. This is officially now the funniest thing and he has to get in on it.
Damian is so mad at all of them. They’re being ridiculous.
He complains to Cass a lot. Cass assures him and he decides she is now his Favorite Sibling.
Dick is mortified, mortified, I tell you.
Damian with his sibs’ baby slung across his chest in his civilian clothes. (Gotham’s celebrity gossip rags don’t know what to do with themselves. First of all, the tragic family accident (suitable cover story) was Horrible, but WOW this is the Cutest Shit™.)
Damian accidentally becomes Wholesome Celebrity Non-Drama News Magnet. He is now 110% the greatest distraction from the doings of the Bat operation.
(Damian will never admit it, but the second that baby smiled at him, he was done. He was lost forever. There is not a thing he wouldn’t do for baby Drake-Brown.)
Look, I’m not saying he ends up filling his phone with photos and videos, but I’m saying there’s a lot for everyone to look through by that baby’s next birthday.
There are so many pictures.
“Documentation,” Damian insists. He is definitely not wearing the #1 dad shirt. Definitely not.
“No, Todd, you are not allowed to give a baby toy guns.”
“No, Grayson, you cannot take the baby on the trapeze.”
“No, father, you may not size the baby for a robin suit, that’s not funny - I will make an exception for body armor, but I draw the line at the Robin suit.”
“Cass, you’re fine. Self-defense is a good life skill - what?”
The baby says “Da” and Damian is so overwhelmed he has to lie down because nooooooooo this is just until they get back don’t forget them oh noooooo.
Dick stares at a pretend fourth wall like he’s in The Office. “That’s rough, buddy.”
hahaha, tbh this is taking a lot of my attention off my worrying what’s going on with my health, so good job anon.
