#dickgraysontextpost

[thewaynemanner]

The Next Bob Ross

Dick: Jay, I know it's not your fault that you have a... distaste for law enforcement, but you can't keep harassing me just because I joined the force.

Robin!Jason: I don't know what you're talking about, Dickie bird. I've been nothin' but respectful.

Dick, deadpan: You egged my apartment.

Robin!Jason: You have like zero proof that was me.

Dick: Jason, I was literally at my window, watching you, as you threw the eggs yelling, "F*ck the Police."

Robin!Jason: ... That's circumstantial evidence at best.

Dick:

Dick: Okay, then what about the times you've drawn giant penises on my squad car? Not once, not twice, but three times!

Robin!Jason: *shrugging* Alfred's been encouraging me to embrace my inner artist.

Dick, unimpressed: Yeah, for some reason I don't think that's what he meant.

Robin!Jason, sighing: *Staring dramatically into the distance* You just don't get my art.

[thewaynemanner]

It's My Deathday and I'll Cry if I Want To!

[Breaking into Jason's safe house through the window]

Tim, hissing: Ow, Damian! Stop pushing me!

Damian, angrily whispering: Perhaps if you did not move similar to that of an elderly woman, I would not have to forcibly push you through the window, Drake!

Dick, also whispering: Both of you stop, you're going to make me drop Jason's Deathday cake.

Tim, groaning: Why didn't we just knock on his door?

Dick: Because he would have looked through the peep-hole, saw it was us, and then pretended not to be home. Now, will you please just crawl through the window!

Tim: I'm trying, Dick! It won't open all the way, and I keep getting stuck halfway through.

Damian: Move, Drake. *Starts to climb through the window*

Tim: Stop that, I'm almost-

[Window violently opens, causing Tim and Damian to fall through, landing at the feet of a distinctly irritated Jason Todd]

Dick: *climbing through the window* Oh hey, Jay! Surprise!

Jay: *raising an unimpressed eyebrow* Are you gonna explain why you, Tweedledee, and Tweedledum were breaking into my safehouse at 1 in the morning?

Dick: We're here to celebrate your Deathday with you!

Jason, deadpan: You wanted to celebrate my "Deathday"?

Dick: Yep!

Jason: "Deathday" as in the worst day of my life, where I was brutally beaten and then exploded to death by the Joker? That day, Dickie?

Dick, grimacing: Uh... Yes?

Jason:

Dick:

Jason: Give me one reason I shouldn't shoot all three of you right now.

Dick: We brought cake?

Jason:

Jason: What kind of cake?

Dick, smiling: Alfred's triple chocolate cake with buttercream frosting!

Tim, smirking: Also known as Jason Todd's favorite cake.

Damian: And I also procured several flasks of father's most expensive Scotch that he keeps hidden in his desk.

Dick: *doing a doubletake* What?! Damian, you are 12 years old, you should not be supplying the booze for a party.

Damian: Hush, Grayson. I am in the middle of negotiating our way into Todd's Deathday celebration. Based on his alcoholic tendencies, I have reason to believe this will be an effective bribe.

Damian: Do we have a deal, Todd?

Jason, smiling: Well damn, you drive a hard bargain, bat brat. But I guess we're having a Deathday party.

Dick and Tim:*whooping*

[thewaynemanner]

The Birds and the Bats

[Bruce trying to give Dick THE Talk]

Bruce: Puberty is nothing to be ashamed about, Dick.

Dick:

Bruce: Your body is changing and it's a b- beautiful thing.

Dick: *groaning into his hands* Brooooooose, stahp.

Bruce, powering through: The changes you're experiencing are like... *has an epiphany* That show you like! Poké-man! You're a Poké-man who is evolving into something better and stronger!

Dick: *staring at Bruce in horror*

Bruce, extremely sincerely: *taking Dick's hands into his own* Dick, you're a Poké-boy turning into a Poké-man.

Dick: *horror intensifies*

Bruce: And remember when it comes to STDs, you don't "gotta catch 'em all".

Dick: *realizing he's never going to be able to watch Pokémon again*

Bruce: And I think that's a great segue into our next topic, *whips out a roll of condoms* Condoms!

Dick: *stands up and begins to walk away*

Bruce: Dick, where are you going?! *slightly panicked* I still haven't shown you how to put a condom on a banana!

[thewaynemanner]

Dick: So how do I look? *Twirls*

Jason: You look like a prostitute.

Dick: …

Dick: But like an expensive one, right?

Jason: …