Unlearning the Cure: Disability, Intimacy, and the Myth of Fixing Love
Romance and sexuality have been widely studied, yet the media often presents narrow views of what men and women seek in each other. Technology, social media, and dating apps further filter choices, while self-criticism and social anxiety can make connections difficult.
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“Bad romance” captures how desire and disappointment often coexist. In Sex and Disability, the editors note a “pattern of approach and avoidance” in how queer theory engages with disability studies, asking what is gained and lost (Johnson 2015, p. 252).
I find the question of gains and losses can be applied to plenty of non-romantic situations as a disabled person. Approaching a daily task like stairs, for example. It can have that give-and-take with my energy and capacity for activity later.
Now, stairs aren’t people that talk back and give more feedback.
And still, there is a pattern of approaching and avoiding something. I know the outcome because I see the problem so regularly. Everyone has a host of different relationships. But sexual and romantic relationships are by far synonymous with the word relationship to most people.
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The physical and emotional aspects aren't always separated. In the queer community, there are plenty of letters denoting different types of attraction and the idea that love is love. When it comes to the disability community, I have found that intimacy is where abled-bodied people stop processing and dismiss the idea of a relationship. Because there’s pressure on firsts and imposed timelines on age, you should have a kiss, a crush, and kids. The pressure of society can be confusing and unfair to anyone.
Johnson said, “From a feminist psychiatric disability studies perspective, being erased within the margins of the dominant sexist, heterosexist, racist, and ableist culture by another theorist working the margins produces a particularly sharp discomfort. (Johnson 2015, p. 257)
Being in the intersection comes with discomfort. The process of internalized ableism, racism, and sexism can be hard to unlearn. And those assumptions about who or how you will be loved can be unconscious.
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An example comes from Netflix’s documentary Stutz, about Phil Stutz, a therapist famous for treating celebrities like Jonah Hill with specific exercises. He has Parkinson’s and is an inspiration for the character Paul in Shrinking (2025, Apple TV)
Jonah: Where do you stand on romantic relationships?
Stutz It’s been on and off for 40 years. In general terms, she has family stuff taking her in the opposite direction. And also my health. When I got Parkinson's, it had a double effect on me.
Stutz makes jokes about himself.
Jonah, stay on track, bro. So the illness and her family stuff. I cannot relate to having Parkinson’s, but do you think that can be a crutch to not make a decision that would be scary emotionally?
Stutz Yes 100%. I think that crazy part of me is taking whatever is happening and using it to prove its point. See, the thing with me that’s not typical is the illness stuff. I think unconsciously, I was linking a relationship to being cured.
Jonah But there is no cure for Parkinson’s
Stutz That's correct. Yeah, most people aren’t sick like that. I’ve been sick for a long time.
Reflection and Connections
Within this conversation, there is deflection and doubt about how a relationship would work out. There are reasons not to pursue because of the thoughts that you bring less to a relationship than someone else. You’d be a burden, or simply, there’s no way a pretty girl/person can like me for me.
Self-pity is a category of tropes about disabled people. Wanting to be cured is a trope.
And internalized ableism happens.
Another assumption or weight tied to women in this case is Bill Porter. He’s had a realistic element to the film about his life. It hints that a client of Bill’s romantically interested in him, and that Bill doesn't recognize the signs. In their first meeting, she offers him spiked orange juice.
She sees him as a romantic interest, which is often not addressed in the media, contributing to stereotypes of being asexual or simply undesirable partners. The Upside (2019), also based on a true story, addresses the same assumptions.
In The Upside (2019), Philip has been romantically interested in a woman he has been writing to for a year. However, he doesn’t see a straightforward way to pursue that desire. Dell has to convince him that “the signs” are there for him to date. Phillip thinks it’s impossible because once she sees him in the chair, that’s all she’ll see. (Martin-Hays, 2023, Romance And Disability In The Upside The Impact of Relating over Inspiring a Community)
Hill, J. (Producer), & Hill, J. (Director). (2022). Stutz [Film]. Netflix.
Johnson, M. L. (2015). Bad Romance: A Crip Feminist Critique of Queer Failure. Hypatia, 30(1), 251–267. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/hypa.12134
Martin-Hays, O. L. (2023, August 8). Romance And Disability In The Upside. capableism.blog. https://capableism.blog/romance-and-disability-in-the-upside/
Martin-Hays, O. L. (2023, December 21). Door to Door (2002) The Impact of Relating over Inspiring a Community. capableism.blog. https://capableism.blog/films-impacts-depend-on-relatability/
