For like a whole week before was kinda tiring for me. Like in discord I know it's not the best place for socialising (The worst kinda🥀) but I did enjoy the whole month talking with people in the Big Bad Dogs Fandom server, it was a nice and fun place to go with, too fun that I forgot that I've never really talked to that many people and got carried away with jokes and stuffs sometimes, I did make people uncomfortable and I apologise for all of that, I never wanted any arguments to happen in the conversations and I do understand and listened to everything you guys said, I really appreciate every calls from people and always willing to say sorry when I got told to stop, but please also understand that I never had any intentions to insult or target anyone, I'm sorry again because of what I've said, but at least let me actually explain about my weird behaviours, because I just need someone to understand my problems too before saying stuffs about me.
about my venting like a longer time before, I'm a really emotional person and when I see that someone might listen, I'll spill out a lot of things about myself, but it bothered a lot of people so I fixed that habit, and due to the new rule in discord.
When I sometimes said something stupid like uneducatedly, I'm ashamed to say this but I rarely do researchs and always use my poor knowledge and it pissed people off, I'm sorry for my stupidity and I'll try to do some researchs more before saying an opinion or not mentioning about it.
That time I sent real life NSFW things like blood and scar gore or unfunny jokes, it's my fault my apology, I have weird humour and find everything weird interesting and shared about it and it was gross, I fixed my humour and I will choose something else safer to share
And other things stupid I did that I don't remember that much to mention
And yesterday I got into an argument while I was talking about my opinions secret admirers, and I said like "SOME lesbians are kinda weird when they're in love" and "SOME lesbians are too feminist", I know it was too stereotype and I also tried to specify the word "some" so it wouldn't look like I'm targeting a whole LGBTQ+ group but talking about the bad people in there, and I felt bad when I randomly used my lesbian friends weird behaviours for examples, I shouldn't have pulled them into my conversations because it's like I'm talking bad behind them, I do recognized that mistake and today I did came and told the lesbian friends about it and apologised to them and they forgave me, I know don't deserve their forgiveness that easily so I did some favours for them.
And about the argument in Discord about the LGBTQ+ context, people in there said that I was saying those things like only Lesbians Stalk and obsess over someone, no it wasn't what I meant, what I really meant about my opinions is that SOME people use their LGBTQ+ title to do some questionable things and acting "queenie" and stuffs, then get mad and call the ones who called them out "Homophobic", but I didn't have the chance to point the problem out when they started to say things to me, I was so confused this time because I tried to avoid this to happen but still failed miserably, I was trying to explain it and I misread "sprout" as "shout" and they're already saying that I'm onto drugs or smt🥀 (THIS ISN'T GUILT TRIPPING I JUST FEEL UPSET ABOUT THIS PART💔) but after all I still tried my best to apologise as much as I could because that argument was so unnecessary that I was upset but not wanting to upset others further. Until I lost my temper and I talked back to them (and that was when they suddenly talked softer idk) and yet I still claimed the stupidity to myself and not blaming anyone at all but questioning them about what I can do to just stop making them triggered. And boom, Banned.
After all those shits I was like half mad, half confused, half upset and half regret for the whole day, even though I felt like that was one of the stupidest way to get banned in a server, I still missed people, I feel bad because no matter how many times I think, no matter how many times I try to get help, I couldn't fix myself from root and unconsciously repeating the same stupid thing that I thought I fixed. Sometimes they tell me to get some help but like who's going to help me? It's just me trying to fix it myself clumsily, I never get anything right and that's the root in me which I couldn't kill. All I wanted was to share some things (though I shouldn't have shared any of those), make things fun and be chill, but I'm not the best in it so I always claim the fault for myself and apologised a lot so I wouldn't look like a total bitch that keeps pushing it without repentance and changes. I never had the idea of targeting anyone or drawing attentions by doing shock stuffs, I was just mindless and immature, sorry for being like that, I can't stand myself too.
After all I still hope that some of you might understand and forgive me for whatever I've done, I just don't have the normal way to be friendly and I'm trying to be normal.
Thank you all for calling me out during these times together ❤️
Bonus: I was so sad these days that I even thought about giving up sewing Lane Plush 2.0 because of being banned from the BBD discord server and thinking "I was kicked out by the fandom, what does Lane even matter if even his own fandom couldn't bear me" , but I remembered the time before that server was even created, I sewn Lane Plush 1.0 out of nowhere because of love and adoration towards both Laly and the game itself, and I remember that Laly is still the only one supporting me from the inside, so I decided to keep sewing Lane Plush 2.0, I love him because of him and the Dev with her game, not other people from the fandom, that's what built the love I had for Laney❤️
I love you Laly M'lady💕😔💖