#dissociaton

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old drawing of mee. my style was so cute kawaii eyeball love

[whiskeyandryewords]

Sometimes when I close my eyes I worry that I'll open them on completely new surroundings.

That's not a metaphor — I'm afraid to blink in the shower

Afraid the water will transform into something terrible and dangerous.

I think I was a pirate in a past life

And I know that good christians don't believe in past lives but I believe that.

I think the part of me that is always yearning for something I can't name yearns for something unnameable — 

Something that no longer exists and perhaps never did.

I can hear the trains from my window at night and I know they're miles away

But I fear that they're going to run me over

That I'll wake up tied to the tracks like a vaudeville damsel with the time all run out.

I walk around my house singing when I'm alone because if I stop talking

I'll be pulled into another dimension and I don't trust it to be a pleasant place.

I put velcro on the bottoms of all my shoes to keep from floating up and away.

I've considered stitching buttons into my skin to fasten myself to the people I don't want to lose.

When planes lift off the ground, I look out the window and I think it's the closest I'll ever get to heaven.

When they land I allow the clench in my gut to ground me for seconds before I actually touch the ground.

There isn't one thing I trust to stay real long enough to hold onto —

My passions flow around me like molasses, a slow but sure pass-by.

All I do is let anchor-chains slip through my fingers

And I watch them go with a melancholy little wave because there's just — really — nothing else to do.

[jxckiekills]

Dissociation

[mental-health-advice]

I need some help, sometimes when I look in the mirror I don't see myself like I know it's me I see but I feel like I don't recognise the face or sometimes I feel like I'm just watching a movie and none of this is real it scares me because when I don't feel like myself I act out and scream at people I tend to have a lot of panic attacks and I really want to talk to someone but I'm so terrified of people and counselling that I just stay in my room because I'm afraid people Will betray me.

Hey there lovely!

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re feeling so low and struggling so much. It’s so awful when you lose faith in the world around you, because you wind up feeling so isolated and alone. But I promise you’re not alone, you’re never going to have to face this alone, you will always have us here at MHA. Please remember though, we are not professionals and therefore cannot diagnose you. 

You mention not recognising yourself in the mirror - this sounds rather like something called dissociation, specifically depersonalisation, which is a phenomenon that causes the sufferer to feel disconnected from themselves, leading to experiences similiar to the things you’re going through. Here is a link to a great information page on dissociation and dissociative disorders. If you do believe you’re suffering from this, I would strongly advise you to seek help from a mental health professional as this can become debilitating and is obviously very scary for you, therefore it makes sense to get treatment. Looking after your mental health is very important, after all. 

People can be really scary, especially with all the awful things we hear and sometimes the experiences we have with people who hurt us. But please remember that mental health professionals, and any medical professional, genuinely do want what’s best for us and understand what you’re going through. It is illegal for them to ‘betray you’ as they are bound by a series of rules relating to safeguarding and confidentiality. They have a duty of care over you: they legally cannot and will not do anything that may harm you, and have to act in your best interests at all times. They also cannot share any information that you don’t want them to, especially if you’re legally an adult in your country. This paranoia that people will betray you is super scary, and as I’m sure you’re aware, totally irrational. Is there anybody you trust, a friend or family member, who could come with you to an appointment so that you don’t have to travel alone, as then they can keep you safe? I think it’s really important that at this stage, we seek professional advice before this disorder becomes any more debilitating for you. You are completely valid and you deserve to get better. 

I really hope this helps,Caitlin x

[writingitdown]

How do I know if I’m real? I reach to find a pulse but even that feels too faint to be sure. I worry so much that I worry myself numb; it runs at full volume while all else is put on mute. They say to breathe through it but breathing through the pain only works if you feel connected to the body doing the breathing. Even the darkness loses its feeling.

a.m. // dissociation. 

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will you be my friend?