#dumb fic

[saywhatjessie]

The Consequences of Having a Hot Dad

Day 20 of this Advent Calendar! (prompts by @countessofravenclaw) Today’s prompts: Santa Fandom: Batman - Pairing: JayKyle 1.3k[Ao3]

"Hey! Sorry I'm late!"

"You're good, I wasn't waiting."

Kyle slid into his seat, smiling warmly, and Jason's heart did the customary tha-dunk he always ignored.

"Oh my God, Guy wouldn't shut up during debrief," Kyle continued, sliding his bag under the table Jason had chosen. "Like, John was just trying to get through assignments and scheduling during the holidays and Guy just kept interrupting and it's like some of us have plans, Guy!"

Jason raised an eyebrow. "So the Lanterns know you've been visiting me?"

"I–" Kyle grimaced. "Kind of. John does. And Hal guessed but I haven't confirmed it. Guy can fuck off."

Jason raised his other eyebrow and Kyle groaned.

"They would just be so annoying about it. They still treat me like a kid even though there are Green Lanterns younger than me and I'm 24 goddamn years old. But, no, if they heard I was catching up with The Red Hood, they'd get weird."

Jason frowned. "I don't love that I get a 'The' in front of my name. Too much like Batman."

"Have you considered being less notorious?"

Jason hummed. "But I need to be notorious. For my whole crime lord thing."

"To strike fear into the hearts of your would-be-enemies," Kyle offered.

"Exactly."

"Like Batman."

Jason scowled at him. Kyle just smiled back at him.

Tha-dunk.

"Whatever," Jason grumbled into his menu.

Kyle's smile widened, his dimple winking at Jason, before he turned his attention to his own menu.

They'd been doing this more: going to a cafe or smoothie shop or some other hole-in-the-wall in Gotham to catch up and make amends. After their hot girl multiverse summer with Donna, they realized that they were kind of outsiders in the younger crowd of heroes. Yeah, they were both briefly with the Titans and Jason had his Outlaws but, by most measures, they didn't really have 'peers'.

But now, with the mutual bond of their great intergalactic road trip, they were each others' peers.

They still got on each others' nerves but it was in a camaraderie way now. Like with his family.

Well, not just like with his family.

"If I get curly fries, will you help me eat them?"

"Like a plate of curly fries for the table?"

"No, like I wanna sub out the chips that come with my BLT for curly fries but I know I'm not gonna eat all the curly fries."

"Kyle, I need you to hear me when I say this." Jason leaned forward, maintaining heavy eye contact. "I will always eat any food you don't finish. Forever. Every time."

And it was only when Kyle blushed and looked away that Jason realized how much like a marriage vow that sounded like. Fucking hell.

It's not like he was in love with Kyle Raynor, okay? It didn't matter what Roy said: just because Jason felt better after seeing him and his heart did weird things when they were together and he thought about Kyle when he wasn't there and he had a mental clock going in his head at all times counting down to when he would see him next didn't mean he was in love with him. That would be insane. You sound crazy right now, Roy.

No, he wasn't in love with Kyle. But he did like to see him blush. And to make him smile. And he liked when he had all of Kyle's attention on him. Maybe that's why he picked at him in the spaceship. Suppose no one will ever know for sure.

"Okay, so I'm getting curly fries." Kyle decided.

"Great. I'll get onion rings. We can split."

Kyle smiled at him again.

Tha-dunk.

Goddammit.

Fire truck sirens picked up in the distance and both Jason and Kyle immediately jerked their attention to the windows.

"Emergency?" Kyle questioned. "Fire?"

Jason checked his phone. "Nothing on comms."

"Rogues taking a truck on a joyride?"

"Truck's not approaching fast enough."

They waited in their seats, watching tensely as the firetruck approached.

Only when Jason saw the hats on the firefighters in the cab did he relax. "Oh, it's the fucking Santa Truck."

"The what?" Just as Kyle asked, the back of the truck came into view, a jolly old man in red standing on the back platform, waving at the people on the streets.

Although, the 'jollyness' of the old man was quickly put into question. The big belly was clearly artificial, and as for the rest of his stature–

"Whys is Santa so yoked?" Kyle asked with pure befuddlement.

Jason choked on a laugh. "That's, ah," He chuckled again before he could finish. "That's Bruce."

Kyle whipped his head around. "Bruce is Santa?"

"Yeah," Jason said, pausing to laugh again. "Not every year. He's doing it this year as some kind of compromise with the board or something?" Jason shrugs. "No clue. But he is so bad at it."

Kyle hummed, looking into the distance after the truck though it's long past by now. "It's giving North from the movie 'Rise of the Guardians'."

Jason snorted. "No fucking way – Bruce isn't nearly hot enough to be North."

Kyle pursed his lips, skeptically. "Mmm, I don't know if you can be objective enough to make that call."

"Well, I don't trust your judgement. If you think Bruce is hot–"

"Oh come on, obviously Bruce is hot – he's been Gotham's most fuckable for like twenty years."

"Oh my God," Jason ran his hands down his face. "Please never call my dad fuckable."

"Hey, I'm not saying I would fuck him!" Kyle protested, hands up.

Jason let out a breath. "Oh, thank God."

"Oh, come on, you're being dramatic: there's no way your friends have never told you your dad is hot."

"Sure, but fuck them, they can have shitty taste if they want, but I need you to think I'm hot."

Jason froze. He had not meant to say that.

But Kyle must not have caught it because he just snorted and said "You think I would have an entire sketchbook full of your face and hands if I didn't think you were hot?"

Jason reeled, unfreezing so fast he cricked his neck. "You've thought I was hot this whole time?"

"Yeah. Duh. I have eyes."

"Then why haven't you kissed me about it?"

Now Kyle seemed taken aback. "Wait, what? Is that–"

Kyle cut himself off, his eyebrows furrowing like he's deep in thought. Before it could go on long enough for Jason to want to shoot himself for saying anything, Kyle's face went bright red and melted into abject horror.

"Oh my God, is that what this is? Have I wanted to kiss you this whole time? I see your eyes in my dreams. I thought I was just being artistic."

"So you do want to kiss me?" Jason asked, clarifying.

"Yeah, I do," Kyle nodded, dazed, before scowling. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Why didn't I tell you that you wanted to kiss me?" Jason hissed, outraged.

"Yes! If you knew this whole time, you couldn't have helped me out?"

"I didn't know you wanted to kiss me!" Jason insisted. "I just knew I wanted to kiss you!"

"Then why aren't we doing that?"

Jason stopped mouth open, then he closed it. Then he looked longingly toward the kitchen. "But I'm hungry."

Kyle huffed in disbelief, staring at Jason before he picked his menu back up. "God, you're lucky you're hot. We will eat first and then I'm flying us back to your apartment so we can make out."

Jason grinned, reaching out with his foot so he could hook his ankle around Kyle's. "Deal."

[noxiisms]

Taco.

A terrible, horribly written top gun crack fic.

Brought to you by Noxiism @ one in the morning.

Warning!

This fic is bad. It’s inherently bad. It makes no sense. I wrote it in literally an hour, overly tired and feeling stupid. i’m a perfectly capable writer i swear, i just needed to write something stupid to force my hand to write so i could get back to work on my wip. I showed it to my friend who admitted they about died laughing and that’s why this is being shared.

If you do not like crack fics;; and i mean level 10 crack fics, this is NOT the post for you lol.

If you like just a little bit of stupid, this however IS for you lol.

I cal this “Nox please go to bed.”

It was just supposed to be another regularly sunday at the hard deck right? Except, no. why? Because this is about to get meta, it’s past midnight, I’m hungry and feelin stupid.

First things first, theres a taco on the pool table. No one knows who owns this taco or who put it there but its very unfortunate because our beloved aviators really wanna play some fuckin pool but they can’t.

Because of the taco.

This taco had an excessive amount of sour cream on it, like probably sixteen table spoons of sour scream so i guess its more sour cream in a tortilla and less taco because that fucker is probably so full of sour cream that all you can taste is white soury creamy goodness. Can you tell im hungry?

Anyway, so, bob, phoenix, hangman and coyote are all huddled around this pool table staring at this creamy monstrosity, all of them refusing to touch it because they don’t know whose taco this is.

For all they know, it could be cyclones taco and then they’d get into shit for touching his sour cream tortilla and probably have to do those rabbit jumps from the tik tok competition dance thats cirtulating right now.

“So….tacos huh?” Coyote asked to which phoenix, who may I remind everyone is wearing the spirit halloween inflatable balloon dog costume. Why? I dunno, i think its a funny detail and would make the story more interesting.

Simply said: “Yeah.”

Bob who, is definitely holding one of those plastic koolaid jammer things from the early 2000s that you couldn’t close because of he way the ywere made gently took the pool stick and for the record, i know it has an actual name but im not googling it right now, this is a crack fic and if you wanted nice squeaky clean fics you should just go to my ao3 i stg im a capable writer.

Anyway.

Hungman haha get it dick joke was like “Yknow what im sick of this creamy tortilla holding up my fuckin pool game and out of literalyl fucking nowhere the vaccum cleaner from the teletubbies i think its name is fuckin noo noo or something zipped on over, jumped– yes you heard that correctly, jumped onto the aviator pool table and SLUUURRRPPPED up that creamy taco.

Only to turn on its little noo noo heels and bootangy walk away. Do i have a shadow of a doubt what the fuck bootangy means in this context? Fuck no. do you? No. its open to interperation. Good luck soldier.

Sailor?

Soldier?

Your choice. Im not your mother, do what you want.

Anyway, with the creamy taco gone, the aviators were really excited they could finally play their fucking game even though pool is lame in comparison to like skee ball. Guys go to a chuck ee cheese and play skee ball or go play basketball or something idk also writing pool is hard and i odnt want to so guess what?

Right as hangman was lining up to take hsi first hit the pool table just vanished and in its place stood Bradley holding a bag of skittles. Why? Because he wanted to taste the rainbow mother fucker.

“Bitch wtf?” Jake stammered but before bradley could respond, the speakers in the hard deck began playing GNARLY by katseye and you and i both know that Jakes body is programmed to respond to Katseye– hes such a Megan bias ok idc fight me.

And the problem is, this is a crack fic and i am easily entertained so what happens? The rest of the aviators present take advantage of all the new space from the missing pool table to do a dance cover of gnarly.

Bobs fuckin sprayin koolaid jammer everywhere, Natasha cant fuckn move because of the balloon animal costume, bradleys fuckin sprayin skittles everywhere because the bags fuckin open like a dumbass and Coyote is the only one really embodying Sophia yknow??

So look theyre doing gnarly right but then fanboy kicks the like music machine, again its past midnight, it has an actual name and i acknowledge that i just dont know what it is off the top of my head and i am not taking the minute and a half aka ninety seconds to google it smd.

So he kicks it and then K-pop Demon hunters starts playing and then Jake and Bradley start arguing over who gets to be Rumi in golden and Bradely is actively throwing skittles at Jake and then eh throws an orange one and it lands like right in jakes ear canal and hes like:

“BRO THE TAGLINE IS TASTE THE RAINBOW NOT HEAR THE RAINBOW???”

And then Bradley kisses him hot on the mouth and after they break apart he deadass goes “Well now youve done both you chicken kisser.”

Oh did i mention Gabriela also by katseye then starts playing? Bc see, they spent all of golden arguing over who got to get into the magically materialized hoop for the golden scene and so when the song ended more katseye came on and now the real problem is that Fanboy only knows Megans part and Jake only knows megans part so now they’re beating each other with pool noodles that Coyote had hidden in his pants.

Why? Because why not.

Then Bradely sat there, eating a banana while jake fought fanboy with a pool noodle with a skittle in his ear and the taste of cock on his lips bc again, everyone,, bradley is rooster and cock and ha ha ah ah im making dick jokes everyone loves a good dick joke except thats actually my seconds.

And then the entire hard deck gets swarmed by a metal band called seal metal and its like baby metal but actually made up of seals in cowboy hats. Why? Fuck i dunnom nai ts almost one in the morning im feelin stupid.

Meanwhile, bob is weeping– no sobbing over his koolaid jammer he fuckin dumped everywhere like an IDIOT doing gnarly like bro no shit you were gonna spill it, the damn thing aint got no lid.

Phoenix, rememebr is wearing a fuckin baloon animla costume from spirit halloween and is now wearing like neon green tap shoes 2 while doing an interpretive tap dance to Gabriela by katseye.

The seal baby metal band is now raging about the sour cream and how that taco with sixteen table spoons of it used up the last of the sour cream and outta literally butt fuck nowehere Payback starts SOBBING over the sour cream.

Again, this is crack fic and if people want to materalize out of fuckin nowhere, good they can eat my ass.

Suddenly, the barbie song from barbie in a mermaid tail…tale? Whatever– starts playing or no actually the barbie and the 12 dancing princesses theme starts and suddenly theyre literally all perfectly in synch dancing like barbie and her sisters through the hard deck, all completely normal while noo noo does the fuckin hokey pokey idfk its one am im tired and feelin stupid.

And then the sky turned aquamarine while they did ballet out the door and down the street all of them– yes all of them now wearing garfield slippers and inflatable balloon dog costumes.

What a wonderful day at the Hard deck!

The end!

I dunno.

Im sorry. Please don’t unfollow me this is just stupid shit posting ok i stg im a serious good writer look i promise.

See look snippet, spoiler, actual good writing ooh ahh you’re so impressed.

Im gonna go find food.

🦨

[mikepattonsmic]

‼️FIC IS LIVE‼️

THE FIC IS LIVE EVERYBODY

You can just search up the tag "Mike Patton/Reader" on ao3 and it'll prolly appear

If not this is my ao3 acc so you could find it there 🫶🏻🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿😛😈🦈🩴

HOPE U ENJOY IT I DIDNT REALLY READ IT SO IDK IF THERE ARE MISTAKES OR REPETITIVE PARTS (which there prolly are a lotttt)

IF THERE IS SMTHN THAT YOU DONT REALLY FW DONT BE AFRAID TO COMMENT AND ILL SEE IF I CAN FIX IT ✍️✍️✍️✍️

Alr imma go now

Happy reading🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻

[bonsai-babies]

the lawrusso babies do unhinged shit again

Sam, furious about Tory: That's it, I'm gonna fight her

Robby: don't

Sam: hold my earings

5 minutes later

Robby: How did it go?

Sam, crying: She pushed me-

[chishiyas-wig]

SUP BESTIES I JUST WROTE A REALLY DUMB SHITTY FIC 

IT’S SO STUPID READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

https://archiveofourown.org/works/39502284

Title: "911? I've been robbed ᵒᶠ ᵗʰᵉ ᵒʷˡ ʰᵒᵘˢᵉ ᶠᵘˡˡ ˢᵉᵃˢᵒⁿ ³!"

[hermajestythebomb]

The run of their lives

So I wrote a sort of fic AU in which Grizzlor adopts Catra and runs away with her to the crimson waste...it’s overly sentimental and dumb, so I hope you like it.

@alsamil​

Force Captain Grizzlor couldn't remember the exact moment where he took the decision.

He had seen before how Shadow Weaver treated the cadets, he knew what the witch was capable of, he'd seen the young soldiers be tortured and scarred, he remembered perhaps too well what she did to dissenters and those who tried to run away...but this one...this one seemed to be the target of whatever demons tormented Hordak’s second; whatever hatred and anger and frustration the old witch had with the world she always took it on the little girl, and even with the light coat of fur she had the scars to show for it.

At the moment, he had just seen the witch torture the little cadet like she would a prisoner of war, the little kitten who was crying in front of the generator because she thought nobody could hear her showed extensive scars on her back. It wasn’t the first time Grizzlor had seen her sobbing in some dark place.

The scar on this young cadet’s right shoulder wasn’t even the worst among them, only the newest and yet somehow it was what Grizzlor couldn’t get out of his mind.

When he approached the locker rooms after that day training session he looked for a signal.

"Cadet 231450" he said.

The young girl, Catra, he believed her name was, stood up and made the salute, she couldn't be more than six.

"Junior Cadet reporting, Sir"

"Pick up your things, Cadet, you're getting transferred" he lied, he wouldn't risk pulling much attention, deserting was a crime that could get him court marshalled or even executed, and stealing a cadet? He couldn't know, there was no precedent for that, although she could be executed as well if anyone found out, it was no secret to anyone that the witch seemed to have something personal against the magikit.

"Yes, Sir" she answered looking around.

From there the daring escape didn't turn out that complicated, he didn't have to steal a skiff since he could just pull rank on the people guarding them, the Cadet showed up early and since Shadow Weaver never asked for her location, nobody really followed their trails until they were far from the fright zone, he had told her they were going for an old base in the crimson waste, which was technically true...he had not told her that such base was decommissioned a long time ago, however nor that the Horde wasn’t really active in those parts anymore; since none of the cadets were ever taught anything that wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation and history was only reserved for the force captains that went through force captain orientation, so she wouldn’t know that they were really deserting until much, much later.

Halfway through the desert and Grizzlor couldn’t really say what took him to do this, if it was some half awoken paternal instinct he suddenly had; as the drill sergeant for a certain group of recruits, he had seen several of the younger cadets come and go, and he’d train them to be soldiers, killers and martyrs and feel nothing...and yet...

He swore at that moment to himself that he’d protect this one.

Catra woke up when their stolen skiff was almost reaching the abandoned post.

“Has any of your wounds been attended yet...soldier?” was the first thing he asked, the one in her shoulder was still fresh and would not leave as much a scar if he were to treat it at the moment. She inmediatly stood up and put her hand in her forehead to do the salute but tumbled a little, the skiff was still moving after all.

“You don’t have to continue doing that, not anymore; just sit tight until we reach there, ok?”

“Yes, sir” she hesitated to answer, Grizzlor could tell...this kid was full of sadness, anger and fear and a constant state of flight or fight.

“Grizzlor...just, Grizzlor...sorry about the theatrics earlier kid...that is the last time I’ll pull rank; from now on, it’s just Grizzlor...is that ok, cadet?”

“Catra” said the child, finally relaxing and sitting down, even in her obvious pain.

“Catra...yes...I’ll remember that, once we stop moving you will let me attend your wound, ok?”

“What will happen with Adora?” perhaps the only one of the other cadets that wasn’t mean to her, he knew it, she worried about her and Grizzlor could tell.

“She will be fine, I promise, If you’re patient with me we can rescue her too...she’s strong you see, and she will be fine at the moment” that too was a lie, at least at the moment but Catra didn’t protest much further, this was perhaps the first time an adult had spoken to her without contempt, he could tell...and while she had relaxed somewhat, Grizzlor could tell that she was still afraid.

“We’ll be fine” he said finally, thinking at last about what he had done, neither of them could go back now...he could not go back to the horde nor could he go to the Princess Alliance since he was a decorated Horde Force Captain, and he had just stolen a cadet...a cadet he would protect, and care for.

“Hey, we’re together in this now, ok? we’ll be fine, you and I, we’ll be fine”

[silliusssoddus]

Reality

A/N: i’m in a weird, kinda sad mood and idk this is just made up of random things that came into my head. it’s completely nonsensical, but i just wanted a way to get words out. i hope you like it and that it’s not too absurd. i’m gonna post this before i regret even writing it funskdjm

no warnings, just bad writing. small mention of depression? idk

-

Queen had always regarded you as a close friend, rather than their manager. Sure, you ran the technicalities and paid the bills, but you were always there for their emotional support.

And being in a band with 4 different personalities, there were bound to be some things they couldn’t agree on. So they turned to you.

You never failed to perk up their day as you walked in with a beaming smile and witty one liners.

But you couldn’t help feeling fake, like you were putting on an act, a production that ran only 8 hours every day. After that, you’d immediately bury your head in your pillow and drench it. Even the days you had off, you wouldn’t bother getting out of bed. You’d deny the boys’ request for nights out because you simply couldn’t put on the act any longer. You could feel yourself slowly retire and the boys knew you well enough to see it too.

That morning they invited you to their album’s release party, but you gave them the same paperwork excuse that they’d grown so used to. But they weren’t gonna fall for it any longer.

They decided to head down to your house, not at all surprised to see that the entirety of your bottom floor was covered in a thin layer of dust. It didn’t even look like anyone lived there.

Freddie was the first to enter your room, tutting at the sight of you.

“So this is what you call paperwork, you introvert!” he chuckled, but you couldn’t even force yourself into a smile like you normally do.

“Go away.” you murmured and he understood. No one could be that happy all the time.

“Darling, you’ve never left us when we were like this, what makes you think we would do the same?”

The lack of human interaction over the past week made such an impact on your ability to speak and you just wanted to lay there, staring at the ceiling until the next tour or press conference.

Brian walked in with a cup of tea for everyone, John with some bread and cheese.

“You always make me cheese on toast when I feel bad.” John said, helping you sit up on your bed. You refused his food offer, with an apologetic smile, but drank the tea.

“How long have you felt like this?” Roger spoke.

You shrug.

“Is it because of us?”

You shook your head, but then bit your lip as you reconsidered. Worried that it would give them the wrong impression, you cleared your throat.

“What’s it like having someone to live for?”

The band looked at you in shock and confusement.

“Well you’ve all got girlfriends. Or boyfriends,” you nodded at Freddie, “and families and each other. You all have someone to smile at when you’re done in the studio, when you’re back in reality.”

Your voice cracked a lot and you could feel the familiar burning in your chest you’d always have before you cried your eyes dry.

Brian walked over to sit down next to you.

“Hey, you’re not just our manager and we’re not just your employees. You’re a part of Queen, which means you’re family.”

Tears burned down your cheeks.

“He’s right,” Deacy’s smile made you feel like your insides were being hugged, “Queen isn’t only us 4 old men rocking our hearts out, it’s also clever little you that makes sure we can.”

“I mean, I’d be a dentist if it wasn’t for you.” Roger chirped and the entire room burst out into laughter at the thought of Roger Taylor, prestigious rock ‘n’ roll drummer, operating on a person’s mouth.

“We’re so grateful to have you, dear. How can we make your reality better?”

You gave them a genuine smile.

“God, I’m so dumb. You guys are my reality. You’re my reasons to smile. I’m grateful to have you all.”

The four of them gather around you and make you the centre of an uncomfortable group hug.

“Now, go get showered and glam yourself up. We’ve got an album to celebrate!”

-

people that probably wouldn’t kill me for tagging them: @notthebackchat @fatbottomedgorl @tini-monster @1001-yellow-daffodils @deakyjohns

it’s really bad but i promise my future stuff is gonna be better planned and heavily edited

[abigail-nicole]

My Bisexual Fantasy Weekend At Comic Con via the Joann’s Sewing Pattern Catalog

It all started innocently enough. I was no newbie to cosplay, and it was my third comic con. But this time, I was fresh out of a breakup, and I had a sexy anime girl outfit, and I was out for the Good Merch. 

Day 1. In the midst of a group of Scoby Doo cosplayers, I saw him: Beach Bum Freddie. 

He lowered his sunglasses and raised an eyebrow at me. I felt my knees go weak. I’d Velma for him. We had an Afternoon Delight and made it back in time for the webcomic panel I had scheduled. 

After the panel, I see her. The Woman. The One. I don’t care that I’m late for the Yuri On Ice movie teaser. (well, I do a little bit). I don’t care about the boba tea line or the middle-aged Goku who’s trying to hit on me. Our eyes lock from across the room. I thrust my half-eaten Pocky box into Goku’s hands and walk away from his mid-sentence. I buy her a drink, and she makes it an entire bottle of whiskey. I’m willing to pay outrageous hotel bar prices for her. After a few more bottles of whiskey, I get down on one knee and propose, knowing in my heart of hearts I will never be good enough for this woman. She drunkenly accepts, because she’s never been married before.  I spend all night devouring her body but make her bring the foam sword to bed. 

The next day I somehow find a Batman who says he can officiate weddings. She waits for me at the end of the aisle, still hungover from the night before. But before I can walk down that carpet…

Oh my god. Oh my god. The lighting person I bribed stupidly shines the spotlight on this Sultry Bedroom Eyes Bitch in the Good Coat, and then my former-bride locks eyes with her. As I’ve assembled a wedding of complete and total strangers, no one realizes it is not me as she walks down the aisle. The two are married by Batman and kiss so passionately that I can’t handle the eroticism. 

At the reception, too horny to breathe, I drag Knock Off Helena Bohnam Carter into the bathroom and get down and dirty. My thirst sated, I look back to my Shining Knight Ex-Bride and her new Sultry Wife with the Good Coat. My mind cleared of hatred by Knock Off Helena’s talented hands, I see how they fit together. I wish them well. I am upset I spent a thousand dollars to have two strangers get married at Comic Con and no one at the reception knows who I am. However, since no one at the reception knows each other, and most people there mistake it for a cosplay event, this is not strange. 

Someone bursts into the scene in a far-too-convincing wire-frame giant-demon costume. Why…why are they heading right for me? I am clutched in the demon claws of this cosplayer, who I am starting to fear may not be a person in cosplay….

But then they burst in. The Sexiest Ghostbusters In Coveralls I could’ve wished for. My heart beats for Always Confused Orange Coverall Man with that face, Perpetually Surprised Brown Coverall Man and his powerful looking gloves, but when No Nonsense Green Coverall woman crosses her arms and stares down the ghost holding me, my heart actually stops. They save me from the ghost in what everyone in the reception thinks is the best-staged cosplay scene ever. Orange Coverall Man catches me when I faux-faint but it is Green Coveralls I lock eyes with as I wake. 

We sneak back up to their hotel room and I don’t ask why they have the Gate Keeper costume. I already know. All three Key Masters work their magic on me and we’re back in time for the official cosplay competition that evening. 

From across the room I spot her. Women with swords. They’ll be the death of me. I kneel on one knee before her, and she asks me to help her with a quest. I would slaughter any beast in Hyrule for her, but what she wants is….to find her missing Link. I’m feeling out the vibes as I spin around each of the 400 Links at Comic Con, but when she finally finds her Link and they lock lips in front of me, ignoring me utterly, I slink away, depressed. That night, alone and unsated, I drink with a Sailor Pluto who lost her friends and a Bakugou who is way too old for the costume.  I go to bed alone. 

It’s now the last day of Comic Con and I’m determined not to strike out. The crowd is thinning out, but in a corner I spy a strangely attractive, yet offputting, group. 

I don’t know what fandom they’re from. I don’t care. They have mai tais. After a quick romp in the sheets, where I have Sunglasses McFace shouting Madoka’s name (not my costume), they re-don their ridiculous suits, dropping me back off on the floor. 

I’m clutching my bag of artist merch, feeling defeated, hungry, and like I probably should go get an STD test. When I round the corner, I see him. 

Oh my god. His eyes pierce me, and he helps me with my bag of merch, our hands touching across a poster of Reigen Arataka. I wanna kiss his big, dumb, stupid, beautiful face, and so I do, dropping that poster of Reigen to the floor. He drops his hand to reach up under that anime girl skirt and we tumble back to his room. He makes me hang the poster above the bed and we both stare at it while I ride him. That night he drives me to the airport, and when I unpack at home I find he’s scribbled his phone number in sharpie across my underwear. Who says you can’t find love at Comic Con, huh?