Tell me your secrets
This is part 1 find PART 2 here!
Summary: You, an attending, joined PTMC just a few months ago after transferring from another hospital. At first, you were a very private, shy individual. The night shift became your refuge, offering an escape from the abuse at home. But as time passed, your secrets started to spill. The real question was, will you ever stop running? Will you let Abbot in?
Word count: 8.5k
Trigger warning: domestic violence, medical setting, mention of blood, swear words, dead parents, death, swear words
Notes: hiii i thought i'd write a fic focusing on mental health, DV trauma! and of course reader x jack abbot, this is part 1 and part 2 will be out shortly.
--
You joined PTMC only a couple of months ago after transferring from a different a hospital. You were an extremely private and shy person. Your reason for change was due to… home trouble. The night shift suited your lifestyle better.
You never really shared much beyond what was necessary. When it came to patient care, you were flawless and precise. But outside of that, you weren’t part of the chatter. You spoke with everyone, asked them politely about their day then go on with your job. That was the only interaction they got from you.
You were worried what they thought of you of course, but your anxiety was far, far worse so you dealt with one thing at a time. The night shift crew were otherwise wonderful. They didn’t push boundaries or question anything.
Dr Shen, was the chilled one, Dr Ellis, was the confident enthusiastic one, Dr Henderson was a sweetheart and Dr Abbot was… intense. He was kind and great at his job but he was also the sort of person that needed to know more about his team. So when you didn’t share any, it bugged him, a lot.
Your mind was a constant battle of bottling up your anxiety and dealing with patients. Once your mind was occupied with a job, you were in the zone. Once you got asked to sit down and chart, your mind drifted off and anxiety crept in,
You sighed and rested your head in your hands.
“Long night already?” Abbot asked.
You replied quietly “yes, sorry I was catching up on charting.”
“And how is that going?”
You shrugged. “It’s fine… if the computer cooperates with me”
“It helps if you kicked it”
Your jaw dropped slightly. “You want me to…”
“I’m kidding. Please don’t kick the computer.”
You blushed then gave him a small smile, slowly moving your chair back towards the screen, which still wasn’t working.
“Want me to have a look?”
“Yes please…”
He grabbed a chair and sat next to you. He let out a hmmm.
You could feel your anxiety build up in your chest. Your inner voice whispered telling you that you’d messed up and now the attending was having to fix it. You fidgeted with your hands under the desk, hoping it soothed the anxiety until Abbot moved away.
He noticed, of course he did. His intention wasn’t to make you nervous.
“Why don’t you grab a hot drink and I’ll figure this out?”
“Oh I’m ok. Thank you.” You regretted saying that almost immediately — you could’ve gotten out of this.
“How about for me?” He gave you a small smile.
“Uh yeah sure.”
“Black coffee two sugars please?”
You nodded okay and rushed off to the kitchen. You ran your hands under cold water as they’d felt like they were on fire. You tried to slow your breathing down but a trauma call interrupted your panic and you quickly ran back to the hub.
“What have we got?” You asked Lena.
Abbot shot you a confused look on how different you seemed from just a minute ago.
“Vehicle collision — one adult”
“Happy if I jump in on this one Dr Abbot?”
“Sure. Call me if you need anything. I’ll pop in in a sec”
You nodded and rushed off to the ambulance bay.
“Hey Lena, what have you noticed about her so far?”
“Hmmm that’s a tough one. She’s very quiet, polite though. Patients like her although she seems to not be able to keep up a conversation unless it’s about a patient.”
“That’s what I thought.”
“You’re worried about her.”
“It’s my job to worry about everyone here.”
“But her mostly?”
“Yeah. I don’t know why”
“Maybe because she looks like she could do with a hug and a day off.”
“Maybe.. yeah” he rubbed his temples and walked off.
—
“Evening everyone” you said as you walked into the Pitt, dropping your bag by the hub. Robby, Abbot and Langdon were stood around. “Anything interesting I need to know?”
“Well we all went to the bar last night and Whittaker here dared santos to have a shot mixed with—“ Robby said then stopped.
You blinked a few times, surprised at the answer.
“You meant about work didn’t you?”
You slowly nodded.
“Rounds should be quick, nothing interesting happened. Abbot here has been filled in on everything too.”
“Sounds good. Thank you.” You said before logging into the computer.
“What did you do today?”
You looked over at your shoulder and pointed at yourself “me?”
Abbot nodded.
“Uh… nothing. I woke up, made my food and… came here.”
“Do you live with anyone?” He asked causally.
You felt your heart drop.
“Sorry I uh… I need to get something sorted before rounds.” you said quickly before running off.
You got to the bathroom and you were struggling to catch your breath. Splashing cold water on your face didn’t seem to help. You sat in one of the cubicles and attempted to do your breathing exercises until you felt your heartbeat slow down.
You looked at your wrist and saw a bruise. You hoped and prayed no one would ask.
What could you tell them?
That your housemate is also your dad, who you refer to as a sperm donor, drinks himself to sleep every night? And that he occasionally got aggressive? Since moving to the nightshirt it’d the abuse lessened. You made it home in the morning when he was sober. He wasn’t really sober, just not actively drinking. You don’t know how you ended up living with him again. You swore you wouldn’t until he offered you a free room. It meant you could keep up with whatever this was and save up money so you could get out.
Once you felt somewhat normal, you returned to the chaos of the Pitt, luckily Abbot nowhere to be seen.
It was just after three AM and your energy levels were dipping. “Would anyone like a hot drink?” You asked as everyone sat the hub, struggling to stay awake.
Everyone shook their heads.
You saw Abbot walk towards you “Coffee Dr Abbot?”
“Yes please if you’re making one”
“Sure” you muttered, hurrying off to the kitchen. You grabbed one cup, but the second slipped from your hand. Your reflexes were too slow, and it crashed straight into the sink.
“Shit, shit shit shit.” You quickly picked up the pieces and put them in the bin. Your mind betrayed you, telling you you’d get in trouble for this.
You felt your heart rate spike up again and so your watch buzzed against your wrist with a warning.
“Fuck off”
“Excuse me?”
You turned around quickly to find Abbot standing behind you.
“Oh I’m, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean you, I meant my watch. It was buzzing. You know when it tells you to breathe and it’s at the worst moment and —“
He gave you a small smile.
“Sorry”
“We all swear around here I’m like the worst person for it. You can swear all you like, I’m not gonna get upset”
You nodded okay.
“Need a hand?”
“Uhh I broke a mug so I’m just cleaning up”
“Here I’ll help” he stepped closer to you and stared picking up the pieces. You reached in for a piece just as he did it. His fingers brushed against yours and you instantly flinched, pulling back. You moved away and made the hot drinks as Abbot cleaned the rest of it.
“Shall I take it out with me or…”
“You can leave it here, thank you” he gave you another smile.
You gave him a shy one and quickly rushed off. By the time the clock hit five am, you were trying your best to stay awake. The night had gone slow, and slow nights meant your anxiety was worse. You rested your head on the desk and closed your eyes, Parker next to you doing the same. Abbott walked over to you both and let out a sigh. He gestured for Lena to come over and pointed at your wrist. Bruises that almost looked like fingertips wrapped around your wrist. Lena shook her head in disbelief. Abbott was worried, and wasn’t too sure how to help.
—
Another night escaping one chaotic environment to another, hoping tonight would go quick.
“We have a bit of a sensitive case on our hand tonight team” Abbot said, standing next to Robby. “We have a domestic violence case. The lady in room in room 6, is taking refuge here until woman’s shelter step in. She’s been assessed and stable but we would need someone to keep an eye on her. A female only team.”
His eyes bounced between you and Parker. You hoped she would step in as you wouldn’t be able to do this case, no. You’d fold and cry. You’d spill all your secrets. You put your hands in your pockets and looked at the ground. Parker got the hint so she said she’d do it. Abbot frowned at you, almost not wanting to believe it but seemed like you’d confirmed it.
The morning of your commute home you kept thinking about that patient. Maybe you could do that. You could escape this life. You could figure it out.
You were a ticking time bomb and you had no more patience with your sperm donor.
—
Weeks passed of you growing quieter and quieter, even during patient interactions. You asked the right questions, did the right thing of course, but you didn’t see to want to talk about anything that wasn’t work. Patients tried to joke with you but you didn’t quite get it. Your mind was ticking, constantly racing. Jumping from one scenario to the other. Your anxiety presented itself in different ways. Sometimes it was headaches, sometimes it was chest pains. This week it was nausea. Great you thought, just what you needed.
You also now had another bruise on your arm and you swore to yourself this would be the last time you’d let him lay hands on you. You swore than the next time he’d do something, you might do something back that you might regret.
“Can I speak with you for a moment please?” Abbot stood next to you hands in his pocket.
“Yeah sure, here or private?”
“Private please.”
Your anxiety was now screaming in your mind telling you, you were in trouble. You followed him to the staff room and he closed the door. You put your hands behind your back, hoping he wouldn’t look. You made a mental note to wear a long sleeved undershirt next time.
“How’s your night so far?”
“It’s going fine thank you. Yours?”
He nodded. He looked upset… or angry. You couldn’t tell.
“Is everything alright? Have I done something wrong?”
He shook his head. “No, just wanted to express my… concern about certain things.”
“I’ve done a mistake haven’t I?”
“No you haven’t” he started pacing around the room.
“Then.. what did I do?”
"Nothing. That’s the issue. You’re a closed book and seem to be growing quieter by the day. I’m worried about you.”
“I’m in trouble because I’m quiet?”
“You’re not in trouble. Not at all.” Abbot paused, not too sure if he should be direct or not.
“Okay… sorry I just don’t like speaking”
“You know, there’s a difference between someone being a quiet person and someone choosing to be quiet.”
“How…” you felt a lump in your throat and you tried to swallow but your mouth had now gone dry “how do you know that I am not just a quiet person?”
He let out a sigh. “You… seem distant. Like your mind is elsewhere.”
He was right, your mind was in a constant state of fight or flight.
“It’s never affected my work though… I don’t think?”
“No, no it hasn’t” his tone was incredibly gently but that didn’t help. He rubbed his beard again in frustration. “I uh…” he wanted to ask about the bruises.
“Can I… go now? I’m sorry I don’t know how I can help you”
He cleared his throat and had now stopped packing. He, without thinking, stepped towards you quickly but you instinctively stepped back quickly tripping on a chair. He quickly grabbed you so you didn’t fall but the look in your eyes wasn’t appreciation no, it was fear.
Your hands immediately started to shake as Abbot tried to steady you. He let go of your hand and quickly said “sorry I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m really sorry”
You shook your head and quickly muttered “it’s okay”
He looked down at your forearm and there was a bruise exactly where he had grabbed you. He looked back at you and your eyes were tearing up so you pushed passed him and ran off.
Abbot spoke to Lena about you, what you did, what you said, your every move. For someone who didn’t know you, he seemed to care too much. Even Lena noticed, smirking with every comment he made, as if she found something amusing in his obsession.
—
Your days off were more tricky, because it meant you’d need to spend more time at home. Your patience has now ran out and you couldn’t simply cope with any more abuse from him. You came home in the evening from the grocery store to find him drinking in the kitchen, again.
“Tom I need the kitchen please, to make us dinner.”
He let out a sigh and bumped your shoulder as he walked off. You shook your head at his rudeness.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing. Just leave me alone” you snapped back.
He grabbed your arm and so you grabbed his.
“Let me go” you hissed.
“Or what?”
You looked over at the counter, there was something that could help you.
He looked behind his shoulder and so you tried to free yourself but he quickly turned around and head butted your cheek. You felt instant pain shoot up your eyes and you screamed in pain. He pushed you against the wall and another punch hit your ribcage. All your anger and anxiety built up and so you kicked him and ran to the door. He of course, ran after you.
You were now in the street with people passing by. You thought to yourself, bring it on. He was now screaming gibberish, holding a kitchen knife. You looked around, saw people dialling on their phone. You hoped someone would come to the rescue. You knew he wouldn’t hurt you though, there were too many people around.
But you didn’t think that he would hurt himself.
You screamed as blood poured out of him. You screamed as you ran over, putting your hand on the bleed to stop it. You then stopped screaming. Your mind simply stopped doing anything. Everything stood still— just you holding pressure on top of him, blood pouring everywhere on you, him and the ground.
You don’t remember the ambulance showing up. You remember being in the ambulance and the paramedics taking over. Your anxiety didn’t betray you this time no. There was not a single thought in your head. You felt sweat drip down your face so you wiped your face with your hands.
You didn’t cry — you didn’t want to cry.
You didn’t hear the paramedics try and talk to you. You didn’t hear them pull up outside your work. You walked out of the ambulance looking like you’d just walked out of a murder scene. You didn’t hear people’s gasps as they saw your face. You saw Parker mouth something to you but you didn’t hear it either. You now could hear your heart beat again but it wasn’t loud… it was just pulsing in your ears.
Abbot spotted you across he floor and you saw him rush over, Lena matching his steps. He mouthed something to you but you frowned. You used to be good at lip reading but you couldn’t figure out what he was saying. He put his hand on your shoulder but you shook him off. Lena tried to touch your arm but you also shook her off. You walked into to the trauma room and watched everyone try to stop the bleed. Abbot jumped in on the action, eyes glancing between you and him. Everyone then stopped working. You looked over at the monitor and heard a flatline then the chaos of the ER caught up with you. Your hearing was back just in time for Parker to announce time of death.
Everyone looked at you, expecting a… reaction. Expecting you to say something.
You stepped outside, stumbling as you walked. Your anxiety now presented itself as extreme dizziness. Police now also showed up.
“Ma’am we need to speak with you about the incident”
You nodded.
“Did you see what happened?”
You nodded.
“What did happen?”
Abbot and Parker now stood next to you. “He… stabbed himself”
“Thank you for confirming. Few other people confirmed that he was shouting, do you remember what he said?”
You shook your head. Your whole body was itchy so you itched your neck to soothe yourself. Your hands were still covered in blood. All of you were.
“I think maybe we’re done here?” Abbot cut in.
They thanked you and walked off.
“Do you know this guy?” Parker asked you.
You looked at her and confidently said “No, I uh.. was just a bystander”
“Shall we go get you cleaned up?” Abbot asked.
You nodded, not wanting to argue.
“I’ll try and figure out who he is then contact next of kin”
Your heart dropped at her words. You hoped he hadn’t put your details down — you’ve changed names since starting at PTMC including your contact details. Your name wasn’t on his lease and according to the state, you were a completely different person.
Abbot didn’t touch you this time, no. He got the hint. He just put his hand out for you to follow.
You saw yourself in the reflection of the glass and realised blood had smeared all over your face and neck. The smell of it hit you at once and you held down a gag.
He walked into the staff showers and you followed him in. You’ve never been here before. “There should be everything you need in there. I will get you a towel and I have a fresh change of clothes in my bag.”
You nodded, not wanting to look him in the eye.
“Are you okay?” He said softly.
You nodded again.
“You’re in shock, I know it was terrifying seeing that. But talk to me”
You shook your head. You felt your eyes beginning to well up.
“Okay sweetheart that’s okay. I’ll leave you to it”
You nodded again, letting your tears run this time.
You took your clothes off and got in the shower. You sat on the floor, letting the water run, along with the blood and tears. You were angry. Angry he took the easy way out. You were not sad, no. You regretted not standing up for yourself sooner. He was a coward, you reminded yourself.
You were in the shower for a some time, resting your head on your knees, hugging them close. Maybe you dozed off at one point, you didn’t remember but someone’s footsteps jolted you back to reality.
“It’s Jack” he walked in holding a towel and a change of clothes.
You didn’t reply.
You chose to be quiet all this time, all these months, and you finally had ran out of words to say, despite not saying much ever.
“Are you alright?”
“Yeah” you said quietly.
“Are you on the floor?” he asked softly as he saw your shadow not the floor.
You managed a yes.
“Is it by choice or did you fall?”
Abbot had to hold himself back from ripping the curtain open and getting to you but he respected your boundaries. You let out a sob and put your hand over your mouth to try and mask it. He walked over to the curtain and crouched down to your level. He saw the outline of you, hugging your legs close. He put his hand behind the curtain, trying to reach you. You took his hand in yours and cried some more.
“Would you like a hug?” He said quietly.
“I don’t know what I want” you said, your voice breaking.
He cleared his throat “can I come in?”
You managed to whisper yes.
He stood up, stepped into the shower and turned off the hot water. He lowered himself to your level and wrapped a towel around you. He sat there next to you for a moment, not caring about the water soaking through his scrubs. He hugged you and you let him. You embraced his warmth and kindness as you cried some more.
“The bruise on your face, who gave you that?”
You didn’t reply.
He mumbled “okay. Let’s get you up.”
He helped you up and gave you the change of clothes, scrub bottoms and one of his jumpers. Your arm protested at the movement of putting the jumper on, and Abbot saw a glimpse of you bruise. You eyes met his for a second.
“Are you going to tell me where you got that one from?”
“I fell” you quickly said.
He nodded. You knew he didn’t believe you, it was too obvious, but you hoped he wouldn’t question it further.
“Thank you for all of this. I really appreciate it. And sorry for crying that’s not like me.”
“You’re apologising for being upset after what you’d just witnessed?”
You shrugged.
Abbot read people incredibly well. He read you too well. There, in front of him, someone who was broken and he feared that you might break beyond repair at whatever life throws at you next.
“I’m okay. I promise you.” You said gently.
“I don’t believe you”
“Would it make you feel better if you checked on the bruise?”
“Yes please”
“But no questions” you added.
Abbot couldn’t help but give you a small smile. You, asking him to check you over, meant you might be beginning to trust him. You followed him into one of the rooms and sat on the bed. He examined your face first — one of your eyes was bloodshot due to the blunt trauma but your vision otherwise was not affected.
“It’s too late to ice it, I know” you whispered.
“Lay back please” he said and you did. He lifted the jumper up slightly and listened to your chest, and did some more checks. “All clear”
“Thank you” you cleared your throat.
“Where do you live?”
“Not too far from here.” You lied.
“Are you going to be safe if you go home tonight?”
You let out a small chuckle without meaning to. “Yeah I promise you I will. The threat is…gone”
He frowned not entirely sure what you’d meant by that.
“This is embarrassing but uh… I don’t have any of my stuff on me and no money and I need to get home.”
Abbot clocked on your lie immediately. If you were a bystander you would have at least some of your belongings on you.
“I can help get a taxi” he said softly.
“Thank you Dr Abbot.” You shifted off the bed, legs dangling down the side. “I’m sorry I’ve not opened up to you or anyone else.”
“You don’t have to be sorry about it sweetheart. We’re just worried about you.”
We? You thought. You felt anxiety creep up your chest again.
“Thank you” you whispered.
“Right let’s get you home” he gave you his phone so you can request a taxi. Your mind was foggy because you’d completely forgotten that, by Abbot requesting a taxi, you’d have to type your location into his phone. He would know where you lived. You went home that night, packed your bags leaving things exactly as they were. You knew that as the morning came, you’d be out of this shit-hole.
You woke up to someone banging on the door, the loud noise jolting you up. You moved the dresser from behind the door, grabbed something to help defend yourself and walked over to the door. The police was outside.
You dropped it and opened the door slowly.
“Hello” you said. Your inner thoughts were screaming at you: you’re in trouble. You did this. He’s dead because of you.
“Are you Tom’s daughter?”
You nodded.
“I’m really sorry to tell you that he passed away last night.”
You nodded again with a blank expression. They frowned at you, expecting some form of reaction.
“The hospital told me” you lied.
They said some more things about funeral arrangements and moving the body. You weren’t listening, not even interested. “Uh sorry officer but I want nothing to do with him, or his funeral arrangement. The state would have to take over.”
He protested, went on about all different laws. You lifted your top and showed him. “Tom did this, yesterday. Tom did a lot more than this. I have hundreds of pictures I can show you. His punches are still in the wall. So no officer, I won’t be arranging anything.”
Your heart was beating so fast, you thought you were going to pass out. “So are we done here?”
He nodded.
You said “good day” and shut the door in his face.
You were thinking about him all night, despite not wanting to. You were angry that he chose this way out. Angry you didn’t get to have your revenge. You wondered if you should be grieving? You also wondered why you were having a panic attack at this moment in time when he was dead?
You needed to come up with a plan to get out of here. A quick one too. You remembered Abbot saying something about the shelter. You opened the door and found the two officers still outside. You walked over to the female one.
“Hey officer?” You asked “do you know where I can spend the night? Somewhere safe? The house isn’t mine. It’s for you know… so I need to be out of here. And I have no place to go.”
“Are you packed?”
You nodded.
“Get your stuff in we can take you somewhere.”
“Okay, okay thank you.”
You ran back to the house and grabbed your bag. You doubled checked you had everything you need. You didn’t own much, didn't need to anyways. The most important things were your electronics and ID badge.
The officer helped you put your things in the car and drove you to a house. The women’s shelter wasn’t like you’d expected it to be. It was a big house, with a beautiful garden. You were met by a lovely lady who took your details and explained how it all worked. You explained you worked nights so you’d be out most evenings. You shared a room with another woman who wasn’t in when you arrived. You were working the nightshift, so you packed a backpack with all your essentials and thought you’d leave it at work in your locker. You arrived at work earlier than usual to try and have a shower and a freshen up. The house’s facilities were… questionable.
The bruise on your face was noticeable, but you hoped no one would ask anything. You walked over to the hub and did rounds with the dayshift staff. Some people may have pointed and you quickly said cabinet.
You were a pretty good liar, a convincing one actually. But you knew that there was no fooling Abbot. Luckily for you, he wasn’t working this shift.
The night went by incredibly fast and luckily for you it was over before you knew it. Your anxiety on the other hand seemed to have been questionable. You noticed yourself more anxious even during patient interactions, something that never used to happen before. You thought to yourself that maybe… things might get better with time.
You weren’t able to sleep at the house — it was far too noisy. There were kids crying and people playing outside. People kept coming into the room asking If you needed food. You didn’t have an drop of sleep. The manager at the house was incredibly nice; she’d packed you left over food to take for your shift. She left a leaflet in the box with all the numbers you needed to call, especially in a crisis. You got up, packed your bag and made your way to PTMC for another shower and a freshen up.
You sat in the staff room scrolling through your phone trying to find an apartment. It turned out that when you change your name, your credit score would be affected. So you’d needed to wait some time until you were able to apply for a property. You sighed. You had no more tears or anger left in you. All you had was foggy thoughts and an ache in your chest that, no matter how much you rubbed your chest, it remained.
You ate some of the food the manager gave you and threw it in the bin along with the leaflet.
“You’re here early” Abbot said as he saw you round the corner.
“You are… as well.”
“Couldn’t sleep”
“Makes two of us… what was on your mind?” You asked.
Your question took Abbot by complete surprise. You never asked any follow up questions that opened up the door for a conversation.
“Just one of them days… mind was ticking that’s all. How about you?”
“Too noisy.”
“Neighbour trouble?” He asked
You nodded.
He knew you were lying because of course he’d looked up the location the taxi was requested to. It was a run down house without too many houses nearby.
“Dr Abbot, coroner’s office is asking you to complete that paperwork for that patient please?” A nurse asked, interrupting your conversation.
“I’ll find you later with a cup of coffee.” You said before walking off.
Abbot was too stunned to say anything back to that. He couldn’t help but smile to himself.
“Dr Abbot?”
“Ah yes sorry. Which patient?”
“Thomas, the guy who stabbed himself”
“Ah yes. Fine. Where am I signing?”
She gave him the clipboard. He glanced over the details, checking it was all correct. He looked at the address and frowned. He made a mental note, signed the paperwork and gave back to the nurse. He went to the kitchen, hoping he’d find you but you weren’t inside. A leaflet in the bin caught his eye that had the details of a woman’s shelter. He picked it up and put it in his pocket.
Later that night, you made Abbot the cup of coffee that you promised him and found him by Shen at the hub.
“There you go” you said.
“Where’s mine?” Shen joked.
You blushed almost instantly.
“I’m kidding” he quickly said.
“Actually we ran out of ice but next time I’ll have a word with the barista” you joked.
Shen couldn’t help but smile at your joke. Abbot bit on his bottom lip as he admired you. Small, baby steps. He thought.
“Trauma call — bar fight” Lena said as she got off the phone.
“Rock, paper, scissors?” Shen asked looking at you.
“There’s two patients” Lena added.
“Dammit!” He added.
“You’re just scared I was going to win” you said before hurrying off to the ambulance bay.
Abbot had now gone completely speechless at not one but two of your jokes.
The patient was a drunken and disorderly man. You thought the universe was sending you some sort of sick joke. He was agitated and you asked the nurse to get someone to come in and help. Mateo and Abbot rushed in and as you tried to move out of their way but the patient got a hold of your arm. Fear spread across your face as your eyes met Abbot’s. Then something in you snapped. You grabbed his other arm and said loudly and firmly “Get your hand off me you motherfucker. Go pick a fight with someone else”
The patient let go of your arm just in time for security to handcuff him to the bed.
“You alright?” Mateo asked.
“Yep. Let’s start on a saline drip — I’ll carry on with the assessment”
“Want me to t—“ Abbot said but you cut in quickly “Nope I’ve got it”
He stood in the corner of the room watching you work. He studied your body language extremely well. The way you looked over your shoulder every time you had your back to someone, the way you’d kept an eye on the patient’s hands, despite them being handcuffed.
Once he was stable you took your gloves off and stormed out of the room. Your anxiety had now yet again caught up with you and you’d let it blow into a full blown panic attack in the bathroom. You were no stranger to these terrifying emotions. You knew what to do, how to calm yourself. It didn’t mean that you were okay though, you were far from okay. The drunk patient reminded you that although Tom was dead, the world can still hurt you.
You avoided Abbot and everyone else, kept your head down and mouth shut until it was time to leave. You went back to the shelter that morning hoping you would catch up on a few hours of sleep. But it seemed like although you have escaped the chaos, the universe is still against you somehow.
You got up, packed your bags and went over to PTMC. You snuck in and found the on-call room.
You’d heard about people crashing here. You had a few hours until you needed to get ready for your shift and two hours of sleep was better than none. Sleep deprivation was anxiety’s worst enemy and you knew you would pay the price later after having a total of five hours of sleep in 48 hours. Coffee wouldn’t be a good option either. The ringing of your alarm jolted you awake. Your heart raced every time you’d heard it. You blinked a few times, adjusting to your surroundings. You grabbed your things and went over and snuck into the showers. “Jesus Christ!” You said as you quickly covered your eyes. Abbot was stood in the shower wearing just his bottoms. “Sorry I should have knocked!”
“It is a communal shower you know that right?” He joked. “I’m not naked”
“You’re shirtless” you said through your hands.
“I’ve put my top back on”
You put your hands down and you knew that your face had gone red. “Sorry”
“Nice jumper you got there”
Your eyes widened. “Sorry I… I should have given it back but I’ve been busy and—“
“I’m kidding you can keep it” his smile was extremely kind.
You could’t help but smile back at him. “I’ll wash it and give it back I promise”
He couldn’t help but grin at the interaction. Abbot loved interacting with you casually, even if it was for a few minutes. “Do you want to jump in first?”
“No, no, you were here first. I’ll go wait in the room”
"What are you doing here so early?”
You cleared your throat. “I had some… things. Just let me know when you’re done and I’ll get in.”
You turned your back to him, trying to steady your breathing and reached for the door as he said “I know about your dad”.
You dropped your things to the floor and ran out the door. You got back into bed at the on call room, pulled the duvet above you and closed your eyes. Another side effect of anxiety was shivers. The God awful shivers along with cold feet and hands. You pulled the sleeves of the jumper more and wrapped your arms around trying to warm yourself up. Your mind was going about a million miles per hour. You checked at the time and you still had 45 minutes until you were needed. You had 45 minutes to come up with a convincing lie to Abbot.
How did he know? What did he know?
The door to the on call room opened gently — it was Abbot with all your things. You lifted the duvet cover over your head and closed your eyes.
“I didn’t mean to upset you”
“I know that”
“I surprised you” he said. He sat on the bed next to you and you felt the bed sink.
You slowly moved the duvet off your face. The bruise on your face had now gone yellow. Abbot’s eyes were soft, and glowy and kind. You wished you could tell him everything.
“I didn’t mean to snoop. But I had to sign the coroner’s report for Tom and the address matched the location you’d put down on the app” he said quietly.
“Shit I need to pay you back for the taxi” you groaned and pulled the duvet over your face again.
He grabbed the duvet and pulled it back slowly. “Tell me one thing”
You shook your head.
“You didn’t even hear the question!”
“It’s going to be a personal question” you whispered.
“Maybe” he said, instinctively pushing your hair out of your face. For once you didn’t flinch.
“Go on…”
“What would you like for dinner?”
“W—what?”
“Dinner I’ll order us food. What do you want to eat?”
You couldn’t help but giggle. It was the first time he’d seen you smile. You’d been at PTMC for so long and this, this was the first time you gave him a genuine smile. He couldn’t help but blush himself.
“You’re not going to ask about…”
“Not now. Maybe after dinner” he said casually. “But for now food then rounds. C’mon” he gestured.
You moved up and he couldn’t help but notice there were healed scars on your thigh. You shifted over next to him and without thinking leaned into a hug. He didn’t hesitate to embrace it, pulling you further in. He whispered “it’s going to be okay. I’ll make sure of it.”
You nodded into his chest.
You got ready for the shift, mind wandering off to the interaction with Abbot. It wandered off to almost all your interactions with him and realised how kind he was this whole time.
He ordered everyone sandwich platters; something easy to snack on all night. You appreciated how fresh and delicious it was. You were grateful for the food at the shelter too, but you’d missed this. You spent your waking hours applying for rented properties but you got rejected — same reason all over again, they needed a credit check.
You were staring blankly as you stood by the hub, everyone catching up on their lives. A part of their conversation caught your attention.
“Did you know they offer their residents accommodation too?”
You said quickly “who does?”
He said a name of a hospital you’d not heard of.
“And how does one apply for the accommodation?”
Abbot shot you a look that you didn’t notice.
Shen continued “if you work long hours, like in the ER, they offer accommodation. It’s basic enough, my friend lives there and the rent is alright considering. But it’s close to the hospital.”
Your mind was ticking, coming up with a plan. You got your phone out and googled the hospital name as you walked off. Maybe the universe was looking up at you finally.
The following days, you were running on no sleep, bad food and you were busy focusing on completing the application for a new position at a different hospital. You didn’t want to move, or start a new life, but this might be your escape. You walked into work one day, backpack on your shoulder, dreading the night ahead. There was a police officer standing by the hub talking to the staff. You nodded at everyone and joined in on whatever they were saying. You recognised the police officer — she was one of the officers that showed up that morning at Tom’s house. She met your eyes, nodding and you nodded back gently, Abbot watching you two interact.
They were talking about a case that had happened during the day shift that you didn’t need to know about it. You walked off, Abbot’s eyes following you, and the police officer who was now behind you. She touched your arm and you flinched and spun around quickly. She mumbled something but you both were too far away for Abbot to hear.
“It’s good to see you again” the officer said.
“Thank you”
“I didn’t know you were a doctor here”
You nodded slowly.
“How’s the shelter treating you?”
“Uh… it’s good. They’re so generous. But I…”
“Not been sleeping?”
“Is it that obvious?”
“You look tired”
“It’s working nights then trying to sleep in a busy house. It’s not ideal but it’s safe.”
“Good luck with your next adventure. You are stronger than you ever will give yourself credit for” she said.
“Thank you”
“And by the way, the bastard is buried so deep down even his spirit won’t be able to climb up” she said before walking away.
You took a deep breath in and put your hand on your chest. He was officially gone. You wondered if you ever will grieve him.
Your last trauma call of the day was a dad who’d been in a car accident and unfortunately didn’t make it. The screams of his wife and his teenage daughter, echoed all over the hospital.
You, on the other hand, were as cold as a stone. You didn’t cry, didn't get upset, didn’t flinch. Nothing. Your mind simply went blank, like it did the last time.
Until his daughter screamed dad.
You’d realised that was not a word you used ever. You called him by his first name since you were able to speak. You wondered how life would have been if he was… kind. You didn’t let your mind wander to the memories you buried deep down. Memories possibly buried deeper than Tom’s grave.
You hadn’t noticed that you’d zoned out. Parker’s touch on your shoulder made you flinch. You looked at her and said hmmm?”
“I said you alright?” She asked
“Oh yeah. I think I am yeah” you looked around and everyone was staring. “Sorry just thinking”
“Tell us” Shen said as he sipped on his coffee.
“Oh just thinking about that daughter crying over her dad. Dead dad’s club is a bit of a tricky one” you said quickly.
Shen choked on his coffee and Abbot quickly tapped on his back.
You held back a small laugh. You realised that no one got the joke. “My sperm donor died a few weeks ago. Hence the joke. Dead dad’s club?”
Parker had now let out a laugh then Shen joined.
“Girl you have a sense of humour that I can’t wait to see. Also your dad died?”
“I wouldn’t put your hopes up if I were you” you added “Sperm donor, not dad.”
“Hey by the way, my friend said he’s emailed over the application. Did you get it?” Shen asked.
You felt your heart drop and nodded yep. You tried to avoid Abbot’s eyes. You felt your anxiety catch up with you again — your inner thought whispering that you shouldn’t have said what you did. You did quick rounds with the day shift then grabbed your back and rushed out the door.
You made it back to the house, and changed into comfy clothes. You had washed Abbot’s jumper but instead of giving it back, you put it back on. The manager left a note in your room saying there was food in the kitchen for you with your name on it. You grabbed the food and sat in the garden, feeling the sun on your legs. You were tired, fighting sleep, but the kids playing in the garden was a sound you much preferred to hear.
“Hey sweetie” the manger said as she sat next to you.
“Thank you for the food. You’re so kind”
“Uh, there’s someone here to see you. A man…” she nervously said.
“For me?” You frowned. Who the hell would it be? “Did you tell him I was here?”
“No, we don’t share that information. I don’t even know how he knew this was a woman’s shelter.”
“How did he look like?”
“He was wearing scrubs and had a doctor’s badge on him.”
“Shit” you mumbled.
“I’ll call the police” she quickly got up.
“No, no! It’s my friend.” You quickly followed her. “He’s a good guy I promise. I work with him. Just wasn’t expecting him to come her that’s all.”
“He’s in the car. Do you want me to come out with you?”
“No I’ll be fine I promise.” You said.
You walked out of the door and Abbot was standing on the street outside the house.
“What are you doing here” you asked as you approached him
“Don’t leave.”
“What?”
“Don’t leave. Please”
You dropped your shoulders down. “I can’t keep living like this”
“Let’s go for a drive” he cut in.
“Where are we going?”
“We are going to get some breakfast and I will try my best to charm you into staying” he winked.
The drive wasn’t long, it seemed like he’d been here before. It was a nice and quiet diner. The lady behind the counter seemed to know him.
“How did you know where I lived?”
“Call it instinct” he joked then quickly added “I saw the leaflet. You are terrible at leaving a trail.”
“And I didn’t think anyone cared enough about me to know it was me”
“I do”
“You might be the only one Abbot. The question is why?”
“I like helping people” he said casually.
You didn’t quite believe him. “You want to know more about me. I can feel it”
He didn’t say anything back.
“The guy that was brought in that night was indeed my ‘dad’. Although I never called him dad. He… drank and blacked out and then… did things. I lived with him because I had no other option”
Abbot nodded gently, listening carefully.
“How come you’re in the shelter now?”
“I was never on the lease so I had to leave”
“What’s stopping you from renting a property?”
You let out a nervous laugh. “It’s my turn to ask questions.” You said. “Why don’t you sleep?”
“How do you know I don’t sleep?”
“Call it instinct”
“Touché” he replied quickly. “Nightmares. Next question”
“Are you single?” You asked and he choked on his coffee.
“Wow okay.” He smiled and wiped his mouth. “Widowed. My turn. Are you hurt?”
“I don’t understand the question.”
“He hurt you but you also hurt yourself. Do you still do that?”
You shook your head. “My turn. Why do you care about me so much?”
“Because I like you” he said quickly.
You felt your heart drop. And not in an anxious way.
“My turn. Why can’t you rent a property?”
“Don’t have a credit history”
“Why?”
“Nope Abbot my turn.” You were enjoying this. “Why don’t you want me to leave? And don’t say because you like me.”
“Because you brighten up my nights”
“Me? Are we talking about the same person?”
“Nope, too many questions. My turn.” He winked.
Goddamn it he was indeed charming. How have you not seen this side of him before?
You knew the questions about your credit score was coming up. No more lying. You reminded yourself. “I’ll save you the trouble You want to know why I, a doctor, don’t have a credit history.”
He nodded.
“I changed my name since moving to PTMC. I have always gone by my middle name anyways, because he always called me by my first. My surname, I used my grandma’s name. I didn’t realise that once you do that… you lose credit history”
“Your turn” he said. He couldn’t stop smiling and you could tell he was incredibly happy. He was happy to be here, happy to know more about you. This is the most you’d spoken with anyone in a long time.
“Can I keep your jumper?”
“Of course you can. I already said that.”
“I know but I thought you were just being polite”
“My turn?” He asked.
Your food had no come out and it looked delicious. The waitress poured you both some more coffee. You took a bite and couldn’t help but let out a hmmm.
“Move in with me” he spat out and you felt yourself start to choke. You coughed and tapped on your chest. Abbot moved over to your side and tapped on your back until your airway was clear again.
“Are you crazy!” You spat out.
“You can’t ask a question. You need to answer it first.” He said sarcastically, still sitting next to you.
You softly said “no”.
“Why not?”
You shook your head. “My turn. What’s a happy memory for you?”
His eyes wandered and you could see him think. “Homecoming after serving. That was always good.”
You reached over and squeezed his hand. “Your turn.”
“Why don’t want you want to move in with me?”
You rolled your eyes and he took your hand in his.
“Abbot I… all the men I’ve ever known were… difficult.”
“But you know I would never—“
“I know that” you felt your throat get tighter.
“So what’s your plan?” He asked, shifting closely to you on the bench, gently move his fingers on your hand.
“Hopefully get the new job… and their accommodation. I have enough savings; money is not a problem.”
“So I’ve not charmed you enough?” He asked quietly
You couldn’t help but smile at him. “I’m sorry”
He sat back at his bench continuing to eat breakfast. You could tell he was hurt, but he also seemed to be happy that he now knew more about you. You were getting sleepy and more tired as Abbot paid the bill.
Walking back to his car, you noticed the slight limp in his step. You couldn’t help but wonder if he had someone at home to help him, someone who cared for him. Maybe if you moved in with him, you could help. You quickly tried to convince yourself that was the only reason.
“Hey Abbot?” You said as you walked side by side.
“Yes sweetheart?”
“Is it a spare room?”
He nodded.
“Does it have a lock?”
“I think so?”
“Do you have a spare bathroom?”
He shook his head.
“Do you have friends come around often?”
He shook his head. “Rarely. And if it is, it’ll be Robby”
You nodded. “Do you drink alcohol?”
He shook his head.
“Okay.” You said
“O—okay? As in, okay to end a sentence or okay y—“
You pulled him in for a hug. “Thank you”
“You’re very welcome”
