Since realizing my schizophrenic symptoms correlate with De Clérambault’s (Erotomania) syndrome, it’s changed how I see the world, and myself.
When I experienced my psychosis while being homeless two years ago I had intense delusions of someone “reaching out” in a “cryptic” manner to me through music, ads, cars, other people, and technology. This “person” alluded to the fact they were of “high societal status,” and were “in love” with me. Typical erotomaniac symptoms.
Since I grew up very lonely, and was lonely until 27 years old, it only became natural for my brain to see “patterns” and “signs” everywhere. I subconsciously became desperate for anybody to know I was in so much pain when I was being groomed & raped, without even fully being aware of any of it yet. I was unaware that being raped and groomed for so long could lead to such a severe psychosis, and I really wish I never had to suffer like this.
I’ve been in remission for about six or so months now, but I worry it’ll come back again someday.
Coming to terms with being on a Schizophrenic spectrum is tough since I’m not officially diagnosed yet. I don’t want to become close with people that much anymore. I worry about my mental illness impacting people around me.
Some days I just want to run away and disappear from the world again. I don’t think it’s fair for anybody to tolerate a mentally insane person like me, but I know if I run away again it’ll only cause more pain.
I’m trying to remain optimistic that in the coming weeks I’ll be closer to receiving a diagnosis and antipsychotic medication. Since I’ve already accepted that I’ll never get justice for being groomed & raped, taking care of my mental health (or lack thereof) is the only way I can move forward now.
