If you’ve been following my journey for the last year, you know how downhill everything has gone since August 2017. After I moved into my apartment and started a serious relationship all my lifestyle changes went out the window. I practically stopped working out for seven months, doing sporadic workouts every few weeks just to attempt to convince myself that everything was fine. And I was eating absolute garbage, my carb intake was way too high for all the sitting around I was doing. Then when New Years Eve came and the relationship ended and the depression spiked, there was no looking back. I put on 47 lbs from 8/5/17 - 3/7/18. It wasn’t until I stepped on the scale a few weeks ago that I realized how bad everything had gotten. In the span of seven months, I had gone from 199.8 lbs to 246 like it was nothing. I had just waisted the 14 months of hard work and dedication I put in to lose the god awful 71 lbs. On the seventh I made a vow to myself: no matter what happens or how shitty life gets, I will not ever let myself near 250 lbs again. I first started this journey in March of 2015. Back then I was 17 years old and 254 lbs. I had had it with being fat and I wanted something to change. I didn’t have the resources or the support I needed then and I had no idea what I was doing, but I still tried. By March of 2016, I was 18, 273 lbs, and only getting heavier. That May, at graduation, I was 280 lbs - the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life and the most determined I could ever be for a change. 280 was my stresser and for the next year, I worked harder than I ever had before. I got a job unloading trucks: I was on my feet all the time, lifting boxes, doing squats, sorting and stocking merchandise for 8-12 hours almost every day. I walked everywhere I went and my relationship with food was nothing special. I stopped eating when I was bored - I only ate what I needed to and it was always balanced, pre-portioned, healthy foods. I had a complete different lifestyle. In March of 2017, when I began my blog, I was 19, 215.2 lbs, and the smallest I had been since sophomore year. I was active, proud to be in my body for the first time since the eighth grade, and ready to take on new types of responsibilities. My low point was my happiest point and once I hit it, my mindset began to change. I slowly began to digress into juices, French fries, sodas, pizza, and all the other foods that once brought me comfort because I was comfortable with myself. I had lost 55 pounds by then, I could afford to eat something bad every once in a while. Then my life changed some more, I got a promotion out of the back room and lost my main source of exercise. I started school, lost most of my remaining free time, and began to eat when I was stressed. Then came the boyfriend; proof that comfort with myself had paid off and another change in my priorities. Not long after, I moved into an apartment, stopped walking everywhere and started to take lyft because of a time crunch... And then the weight began to trickle back on, my relationship with myself began to go dark, and I tried desperately to find something to hold onto - something to keep me afloat. Then came the end of 2017, the loss of the boyfriend, and the heightened descent back into comfort food and staying within the cocoon of my bed. Seven months went by in the blink of an eye and I was 24 lbs from being exactly where I started. Now, three years into my journey, I’m 20 and 236 lbs. In three years I’ve only managed to actually lose 18 lbs. That’s not very impressive and kind of disheartening after the time I’ve put in to be a healthier version of myself. However, after three years of ups and downs, I’ve come to the realization that the only person responsible for every backslide and misstep is myself. I am my biggest obstacle when it comes to weight loss... but someday I won’t be. I’m not giving up just yet. I’ve still got far too much to lose. Three years in and I’m still redefining my relationship with food and exercise. I’m taking it a day at a time, taking the time to make sizable changes, and doing what’s right for my body. I’m cooking, running, taking the long way instead of taking shortcuts, and, most importantly, reminding myself of why I started doing this in the first place. Hope, health, and happiness are my reasons for continuing to want to change. I hope to be healthy so that I may live a long and happy life, whether that’s by myself or with others. I hope to live long enough to reach my personal and career goals, find love, and make a living doing what I love. And most of all, I hope that everyone out there who’s struggling with their weight, body image, or themselves can look to this as a sign of hope. The battles we fight on our own are the hardest and sometimes you just need a little faith. It may not be today, a few months from now, or a few years but one day you’ll win. And when you do, there won’t be anything to stand in your way. // 25 Mar 2018