#expressingthoughts

[mayastacks777-blog]

Looking for a place where I can freely express my thoughts . To an audience I have yet to meet.

Mywords

[shaqiramentality]

Letters from Damon: Fed Up

Yeah I know, it’s been a very long time but I just don’t know what to do much less when. I know one thing for sure though, I need to figure it out soon because who knows when I’ll snap or blow.

So much to do but my mind filled with so many things but mainly one is important. I pretty much know I should leave work but like I got to wait until I’ve reached my goal, I just know it. I can do it... but I actually can’t. The thing is how much longer will that be and will I even last so long?

That’s just what it has come to but I know there is so many things at risk; my physical health, mental health, school opportunities, school in general. I know I always say I am a hard working man but I told you all I’ve decided to pursue psychology so I can be a clinical psychologist or psychologist in general but if I keep putting other things including work ahead of me how do I expect to complete this? Everything is merging somehow and its just a bit too conflicting, it definitely needs to stop!

Back to the square one of my thoughts because I feel like I have to re-plan everything entirely. I really don’t know what I’m going to do but I sure hope I can figure out something REAL soon. 

[shaqiramentality]

Letters from Damon: Better

Looking back I used to be so dark. Mists became thick fogs that would cover me and smuggle me until there was no longer air to breath. I would basically call for help, and stretch my hand forth but never would I ever raise the white flag and call it quits. Yes I was quite the stubborn soul and even today I tend to still be that way but not as bad as before. I remember nights would be extremely dark and the single candle that was lit I would blow it out removing the little hope of warmth staying. Then I would settle for the cold that always seemed to surround as deep as waters could go. Yes clearly as you could tell I drowned in stress, in sadness, in heartbreaks, in heartaches and much later... in anxiety. Insomnia was life and practically my best friend. What was true happiness? I could not tell you. Every peak of happiness escaped this darkness at the first chance it got rather then stay and brighten my life which requested it. Which needed it.This was my life. Endless unbreakable cycles. 

Here is where the tables turned. As many of you have heard and read about my precious Amerie, well that is just all that happened. Amerie. Tables were turned. everything suddenly seemed possible. Pain rarely came about. I already did not truly stress but suddenly, stress was completely non existent. Insomnia left me and even though I still barely get sleep, it’s only because of the busy life i have developed. No longer would i occupy myself to escape what I fear would happen or repeat itself in my past. Though I still stay occupied to escape thinking. I still find that dangerous. Either way just as I once said that I changed my life for the better thanks to my nephews who became my motivation, Amerie pushes me to actually complete goals I have set with little to no distractions involved. Before I would juggle a billion things at once but I would still get it done but now I have learned to actually prioritize and plan better to stay organized and not pile things up or procrastinate as I used to. Many have asked me “Dude, who are you?” because I have actually changed quite decently d greatly in the best ways known. Punctuality, effort, responsibility, etc. “For those who have known how I was last year, this year I am better” is what I told a group of friends of mine as a good point that has happened. I, Damon Santiago, am just better and it’s to someone very special to me.

[shaqiramentality]

Realization

I don’t understand it but believe I won’t fight it. So many things unsaid that I continue to hide it. The reason is simple and maybe it isn’t smart to do. As selfless as I am being, it should be the thought of the gesture. Many times I address things just to let it be known but in the end I realize maybe it wasn’t the way to go. As open as a book I should probably express the words written in the pages. Yet still I just draw a huge picture and let the interpretations be what they may be. Now I’m being asked what is really up forcing my thoughts resurface. With such a conversation maybe we are being delusion and not honest with ourselves or each other. Instead things are hidden, ignored and forgotten hoping that it would never be brought up. It’s our system, it always worked but maybe this one time it might make things worst. They all ask what is wrong? How do i feel? Are you ok? If I actually knew the answer then I would reply so my answers of course are “Don’t worry about it, it doesn’t matter. i feel nothing i guess. I’m not ok but that’s not important right now”. With what is at hand I do not matter and caring towards me is quite slim. So many questions being asked as if I even know what is going on to begin with when I am not controling this flight. I still refuse to enter any thoughts, I’ve ignored them for so long for a reason that I don’t want to let them back in and deal with them. There are more important things than to be worrying about no feelings. One thing I can’t even mention is why I am even doing that. The reason is inconspicuous. The fact of the matter is everything has suddenly changed and without a choice I gotta live with it without even having much of a say. That being said all I can do is go with the flow and hope what I strive for becomes a completed goal. Thank you dear friend for helping me come to this realization. I now know the truth and maybe confessions are now due.

[shaqiramentality]

Suppresses Thoughts (Pt 8)

I fear losing people I am close to. Depending anyway. I tend to forget that you’re different and that you mean what you say. You say I won’t lose you no matter our status which I should believe you. I do believe you. I’m just afraid you’re going to change your mind. I hope you don’t but I am taking your word and making sure we stay perfectly fine with each other. No more stubbornness and I am dropping all arms. Now we move forward together the way we should’ve. The way you told me we should’ve. You’re right. We are better as friends but we had a decent run. None of which we regret. We agreed trial and if it don’t work out back to how we were. You want to approach this differently but we have same goal at the end of the day. I’m going to miss how we were while we leave it for a while but getting back there will be worth it and even better when we get back to it. That is my goal. Back to our beginning.

[shaqiramentality]

Simple Words

Words are words, I understand.

Growing up I remember reciting "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me".

A cliche if you must to remind yourself that words shouldn't affect you 

BUT...

You grow up and you begin to experience and that cliche becomes nothing but words.

Words can mean absolutely nothing but it can mean absolutely everything.

Sometimes it doesn't even matter the word, it's the delivery that can create that mass effect.

Words like "It doesn't matter" and "so?" can hit so hard if said at the wrong time creating that feeling of being unwanted, not cared about and even unloved.

Words like "You're beautiful" and "Take care" can put a smile on someone's face making their day because someone notices them and wishes them the best in life.

Words can give security and it can remove that security.

Words like "We cool", "I like/love you" and even "you my main/squad" gives people a sense of where they stand with people and gives that homey feeling.

Words like "its over", "I guess" and even "I will think about it" can leave a person heartbroken or hurt, worried, concerned, hopeful but hopeless.

Bottom line is although words have meanings, a word is actually nothing without expression or delivery. Without those they are just words that have a meaning but with expression and delivery they tell stories, lies, truths, everything.

And you thought these were all just simple words

[shaqiramentality]

Letters From Damon: 4 Months Later

Today would be our 4 month anniversary. I feel like it is but I know that it isn't. Happy 4... almost 4... ugh who am I kidding because either way, me saying will probably mean absolutely nothing anyway. Who knows if you woke up thinking that today is that day like I did. For all I know today is probably just another day while I'm here thinking that today 4 months ago was second greatest day ever. 4 months later and I'm still who you first joke around with, somewhere along the line developed feelings for, still have feelings for and the same person who will never treat you any different from when we first met. 

PS. First greatest day was meeting you and until this day, how I felt and feel towards you hasn't change. No matter what you do or say will ever change it either.

[shaqiramentality]

Letters from Damon: TBH

I wish I could say this to Jasmin the way I want to but as always I'm just afraid of somehow screwing it up. It's already late enough to tell her any of this but they always say "it's better late than never". That being said here it goes. 

I have no idea what Jasmin did with her feelings but truth is I never erased or reduced how I feel about her all this time. When we broke up I ignored how I felt for the sake of her getting what she wanted, us not together anymore. Her happiness always mattered more to me than any of my selfishness. To make it work I just thought of the one reason why we should break up and that is so we can just be friends in the end. Did I flip the switch? Nope I just felt every possible emotion that came my way but I hid them pretty well. What did I do with my feelings? Absolutely nothing. I held on to them and left them alone. This is why sometimes we are together and I am perfectly fine but sometimes I just want her. I want to hold her, kiss her, hold her hand, cuddle with her, I just want to be hers once again. As much as I would love to be hers again, I know there's not another opportunity with my name on it. I like Jasmin a whole lot and who knows when that will change but for now they still remain. I will not force them away and I'm not going to switch them off. She always assumed I love her but I honestly don't know. Regardless of how I am, I just don't believe in love and never really let myself go to the point of ever feeling it again. Even if I did, I probably wouldn't even recognize it. One thing is for sure, I like the way being with Jasmin felt. It was an amazing feeling. She still makes me smile that it's unbelievable. She would be the last thing on my mind at night and the first thing the next morning and knowing she is still in my life, I just remain happy. I really do miss her. I miss us, together. I miss her touch, our mini lunch dates, the way she would jokingly act like I have other girls although she knew she is the only one, the way she would block my view so I would have my eyes and attention only on her. Man, Jasmin and I really been through it together but believe me when I say it was worth it. We would fight but still make up in the end like it never even happened. We would wrestle for fun and tire each other out. Her kisses were pretty special, Sent that tingly feeling down my spine even. She always says I'm greedy and I don't even care because she is just a diamond. Does she miss anything from our relationship, I will never know. She isn't the one to really admit to lovey dovey stuff but it's cool. I will not change a single thing about how I am to her. She will always be my queen.