Holy fuck, who even am I? Well, I’m like every other goddamn Mormon. Growing up in the Mormon church I was forced into the exact mold they wanted.
You are a Mormon. Your friends are Mormon. If you have friends who aren’t Mormon, you will talk about being Mormon and you are encouraged to convert them. You are happy. You will smile. You will dress modestly and you will look down on those who do not. You will do as you’re told. You will go to our private religious institute. You will go on a mission to a third world country where you will convert as many people as you can. At our religious university, you will meet a return missionary whom you will marry after only a few months of dating. You will have kids immediately. And you will have very many kids. Remember, the law to “multiply and replenish the earth” is still in effect today! If you are a woman, you will tend to the house and care for the children. If you are a man, you will be the breadwinner. You will not support the lgbt community. You will vote how we tell you to. You will abstain from technology when we tell you to, which is always before an election, but that’s just a coincidence, we promise. You will give 10% of your income to the church so we can use it on political anti-lgbt campaigns. Can’t pay both rent and tithing? Tithing must be paid first, it’s far more important you give us your money than you keep a roof over the family we told you to have. You will disrespect the dead by baptizing them postmortem because the only way you can get into super-heaven is by being Mormon.
There’s only one way to get into hell and that’s by leaving the church. So don’t leave.
If someone says something that doesn’t fall in line with the church’s teachings, that’s anti-Mormon. There is no such thing as criticism or simple questions, there is only Mormon and anti-Mormon.
We encourage you to look for answers just like our young founder did. But you can only look for answers in the resources we give you, history or science be damned.
Once I started questioning the church, I knew there was a lot wrong with it. Once I was mentally out, I realized exactly all how screwed up it was. Only extremely recently did I realize how much it fucked me up. I do not have an identity outside of the Mormon church. Who the fuck even am I? Still a Mormon, deep down. Because all goddamn Mormons are the same. We even admit it!
“I love that all Mormons are so happy and agreeable!”
“It’s amazing that every time I go on vacation, it’s the same. I love that!”
“The church is the same today, always, and forever, isn’t it great!”
The Mormon church is a fucking cult. Even after I was out I avoided saying this. But now I know IT’S A FUCKING CULT (referring to the B.I.T.E. model). You need a lawyer to leave, if that gives you any idea as to how bad it is.
Every time I mentioned a plan or a wish that went against the church’s cookie-cutter plan for me I could feel the judgment.
“Oh, are you going to BYU!” “No, I’m going to study abroad.” “Oh, for a semester?” “No, for three years to get my bachelor’s. I don’t want to go to BYU.” “…”
“I don’t know how a feel about kids. Maybe two? Three?” “Oh, you’ll change your mind. I know I did.”
“Why aren’t you dating??” “Oh, well I’m an asexual aromantic.” “Huh?” “I don’t like people like that.” “Oh, that was me at your age too, I was also a late bloomer.”
They turned me into a cog in their machine, and now that I’m out, I’m still cog-shaped. I’m still, deep down, a Mormon. And I fucking hate that. I can’t escape. I don’t have a personality, I don’t have an identity. I’m bout even a fucking person anymore, I’m just a shell. A heck of a “happy Mormon.”
I just want to be fucking out. Forever. Permanently. I want to be my own person, but I don’t know how. I read born into the Mormon mold, I never learned how to create my own self.
Sorry for the long post, I just need to rant. It was originally 3x this length, but I kept accidentally reloading the page and I don’t want to keep crying, so this’ll do.
