i feel as if people can occasionally begin to grasp at a larger understanding and it’s uncomfortable so they lean back, ignore the void behind them and the eventuality of death. i could not, and now i slip into a great deal of existential horror and dread.
i feel as if i can finically understand death. existence.
i feel as if i am on the brink of everything, but if i find it i will not be able to come back
i feel that in death, you become stuck in your final moment forever, i don’t know how much of your thought is preserved, but i would guess it slows and twists as if you were on a drug, slowing your cognitive processes until they stretch into infinity and come completely to a halt, fading into nothingness. from your point of view, this slowing of time and thought would likely be something you are aware of, but becoming aware of it goes as slowly as the rest of your thoughts. it’s like how becoming aware of the distorted, repetitive movements is part of the tick itself.
i feel like i no longer have a firm grasp on reality. like i’m face down in a pool of the world, my hands moving in the water but my back is open, exposed to the burning of the sun, or perhaps the cold night.
i want to stay because this is what i know. the rules of this world make sense to me. i have people here who care about me and who i hope are real.
i’ve been thinking about hell. not ‘fire and brimstone’ but more in the form of a panic attack that hits you slowly as in your final moments in reality becomes distorted and frightful, eventually your thoughts slow so far(from your perspective time ceases to exist and can be ignored) that you cannot change them, and you are only the absolute innermost self experiencing your concious self’s cognitive language slowing down in a panic. like the part of you that can function without language-the raw self - the experience - is still there, experiencing the slowing of time and conscious thought.
