#fandomhumor

[incorrect-quotes96]

Chris: Leon, kick the door down.

Leon: Why me?

Chris: You’re the dramatic one.

[noobiestnoober]

Cringe and Command (Wesker's Assistant Chronicles)

You’re Albert Wesker's assistant. Unfortunately for him, you refuse to take his villain speeches seriously. Even worse? You keep calling them cringe. He tries to fire you. Repeatedly. But somehow, you're still on payroll. Honestly, he might need therapy more than world domination.

"The world shall kneel before my new order," Wesker intoned, voice dripping with menace as red warning lights blinked around the lab, painting his cheekbones in dramatic crimson shadows.

You rolled your eyes from your spinning chair in the corner. "That line sounds like a villain wrote it after binge-watching bad anime dubs. Cringe."

Wesker froze mid-speech like someone had unplugged him. "Excuse me?"

You sipped from your Umbrella-logo mug. "I'm just saying, if you want people to actually kneel, you might wanna update your material. Maybe something less ‘theatre kid turned fascist.’"

His jaw flexed. "You're fired."

"Cool. I'll pack after I finish fixing your disaster of a PowerPoint presentation. Seriously, slide three transitions simulate a car chase. Did you mean to make it look like a Michael Bay film?"

Wesker glared, his sunglasses somehow reflecting your judgmental stare even though you were indoors. You glared back, wholly unimpressed. The red lights continued to blink like a rave for evil plans, unnoticed by both of you.

Day 34

Wesker tried to fire you again after you brought cupcakes to a top-secret Umbrella executive meeting and insisted everyone sing happy birthday to Nemesis.

"You are the worst assistant I've ever had," he snapped, lips twitching like he was trying not to scream.

"Nemesis deserves joy, Albert," you replied calmly, placing a party hat on a bio-organic weapon—roughly eight feet tall with a permanent snarl—that blinked once in confused gratitude.

He rubbed his temple. "I created life to destroy the world, not to… wear sprinkle cupcakes as hats."

You looked him dead in the eye. "Sounds like a you problem."

Day 46

You changed the lab’s background music to Barbie Girl during a viral sample test. Wesker entered the room to find you and Mr. X doing a synchronized head bop.

"Do I even want to know?"

"Team morale, sir."

He tried to fire you. You printed the HR handbook in Comic Sans and highlighted the clause where he couldn’t actually terminate staff without written approval from Umbrella HQ.

Day 58

You changed his password to "ILoveCringe69" and left a sticky note that said, "World domination is temporary. Memes are forever."

Wesker stared at the screen like it had personally betrayed him. He fired you via email this time. You replied with a meme of a raccoon giving a thumbs-up, captioned: "Mood."

Day 73

He returned to his office to find a slideshow titled "Top 10 Times Wesker Tried to Monologue and I Laughed."

"Number 4 was during a hostage situation!" he shouted.

"Exactly. Peak comedy."

"Get out."

You reached for your bag. "Do I take the laser pointer or...?"

He screamed into his glove.

Day 100

He gave up.

"Why are you still here?"

"Because no one else knows how to rewire the coffee machine without setting the lab on fire. Plus, I'm the only one who can decipher your handwriting. Is that 'Destroy the Resistance' or 'Dessert Inventory'?"

He stared at you. You stared back. Somewhere in the distance, a B.O.W. dropped a beaker. No one moved.

"...Fine. But no more cupcakes."

"Deal."

(You still brought cupcakes. With little Umbrella logos on top. Nemesis ate six. Wesker stared at the crumbs and muttered, "At this point, resistance is futile.")

If you want to see more of Wesker's Assistant Chaos, take a look at Part 2

> HERE <

[neonnewsfeed]

Dead-icated Fan

AKA “The Wraith Knight Isn’t Dead. Nova Thinks He Is. Chaos Ensues.”

So, Nova Hart has heard the local legends.

The Wraith Knight of Gloam City. Shadow-walking. Bullet-proof. Explosion-proof. Appearing and disappearing like a pissed-off cryptid with a moral code.

To Nova—former actual protector spirit turned broke college student—it all adds up:

The Wraith Knight is totally a ghost. A powerful one. A territorial one. A “hey-you’re-on-my-haunting-grounds” type.

Which is a problem, because Nova is currently… trespassing.

Naturally, he panics.

His Midwest upbringing (“be polite or die trying”) fuses with Ancient Ghost Politeness Rules to create:

A Please-Don’t-Beat-Me-Up Gift Basket™

It includes:

a $4 knockoff Wraith Knight plush

a pixelated image he printed from a conspiracy forum

random trinkets from his dorm drawer

a neon sticky note that says: “4 THE WRAITH KNIGHT. IM SORRY.”

He leaves it on the roof. He prays. He sweats.

Enter the Wraith Knight (who is, in fact, extremely alive)

He finds the basket. He gets Concerned™.

The next night, he corners 19-year-old Nova Hart, freshman in Gloam U’s engineering program.

Super ominous. Zero lighting. Peak cryptid energy.

Wraith Knight: Why.

Nova: “I’MSORRYMISTERWRAITHSIRIDIDN'TMEANTOPLEASEDON'THAUNTME.”

Wraith Knight: Why did you leave the items.

Nova tries to say “I’m like you,” meaning a protector spirit, but:

He panics. His brain blanks. And he blurts—

Nova: “I… like you?”

He doesn’t even notice the mistake.

The Wraith Knight does.

He goes still.

“…Oh,” he thinks. “He’s a fan.”

And then he leaves. Nova nearly passes out in relief.

But now he’s convinced that the Wraith Knight spared him only because the offering was acceptable. So he keeps making more “sacrificial” baskets like it’s a part-time job.

Misunderstanding Level: Catastrophic

The Wraith Knight thinks he’s dealing with the most dedicated fanboy he’s ever met.

Nova thinks he’s negotiating territory with a dead mega-ghost who is mercifully ignoring the fact that he exists.

And then the Shadows (the younger vigilantes) show up.

Nova, trying to be subtle, makes statements like:

“Yeah, I used to be like you guys.” (former vigilante = TRUE)

“Death is… complicated.” (also TRUE)

“My family situation is rough.” (painfully TRUE)

“I have a daughter.” (true-ish, because Dani exists, so… complicated.)

Each Shadow interprets these in increasingly unhinged ways:

Nightstar: He’s a retired vigilante who knows our identities.

Gravel: He literally died. He’s a vampire.

Byte: Traumatized child prodigy. I see it.

Starfish: He has a SECRET CHILD????

No one is correct. Everyone is confident.

Now Nova is basically the chaotic “uncle” of the team—dropping eldritch-level lore at random:

Example:

Cyrene (as Nightstar): “He’s my dad. I love him. But it sucks that his job is hunting people like me.”

Nova: “Kid, same.”

Cyrene: “…But your parents are scientists.”

Nova: dead, haunted, 1000-yard stare “…Yeah.”

And the city continues to spiral.

[andromaex]

congrats ao3!

switching from beta to omega for april fools is exactly the kind of unhinged, niche, deeply fandom-brained decision we’ve come to expect and cherish. flawless execution. 10/10, the entire class learned something today.

long live the archive 🫡

[cookierunkingdomart]

talk about an explosive cameo! 😂🎬

[athenanfaymont]

🎉 Happy Dick Day: A Celebration of Gotham's Favorite 🍆

April 6th is officially the Day of the Penis.

So naturally, we—the Batfam enthusiasts, the Grayson Nation, the Nightwing scholars—gather in reverence to honor our Dick.

Yes. That Dick. Richard John Grayson. The first Robin. The original Boy Wonder. The man with the most iconic ass in comics and a name that writes its own jokes. 🦸‍♂️💦

Look, we could use today to talk about biology, reproductive health, awareness and all that important stuff (please do!), but in this little corner of fandom? It’s about celebrating the man who turned being called Dick into a symbol of agility, compassion, leadership, and thiccness.

Let’s talk facts:

🥇 He’s Batman’s first success story. 🍑 He’s canonically hot. Like, universally acknowledged hot. 🛏️ In most timelines, everyone wants to sleep with him. Including but not limited to: Kori, Babs, Helena, Wally, even a couple of villains — Slade 👀 — and aliens. 🩳 He’s been objectified in-universe more times than we can count. (Looking at you, Blüdhaven.) 👀 He jumps, flips, kicks, and quips while maintaining peak fanservice.

But it’s not just about the visuals. Dick Grayson is the heart of the Batfamily, the bridge between light and shadow. The one who saw Bruce's darkness and chose to still laugh, still love, still lead. The Dick that healed Gotham not with fear, but with empathy. The Dick we all deserve.

So yes, today is the Day of the Penis. But more importantly… it’s another day for Dick appreciation.

✨ Long live the king of flips, thighs, and emotional maturity. ✨ Happy Dick Day, everyone. Go read a Nightwing comic. Or five.

🧠 And a friendly PSA: Use a condom to keep it safe. Now we know that many cancers come from viruses—many of them transmitted via STIs. Safe Dick is happy Dick.

[Scott McDaniel]

[incorrect-quotes96]

Leon: I work well under pressure.

immediately trips over something

Leon: That was a test.

[incorrect-quotes96]

Leon: What’s the worst that could happen?

cut to everything going wrong immediately