Cringe and Command (Wesker's Assistant Chronicles)
You’re Albert Wesker's assistant. Unfortunately for him, you refuse to take his villain speeches seriously. Even worse? You keep calling them cringe. He tries to fire you. Repeatedly. But somehow, you're still on payroll. Honestly, he might need therapy more than world domination.
"The world shall kneel before my new order," Wesker intoned, voice dripping with menace as red warning lights blinked around the lab, painting his cheekbones in dramatic crimson shadows.
You rolled your eyes from your spinning chair in the corner. "That line sounds like a villain wrote it after binge-watching bad anime dubs. Cringe."
Wesker froze mid-speech like someone had unplugged him. "Excuse me?"
You sipped from your Umbrella-logo mug. "I'm just saying, if you want people to actually kneel, you might wanna update your material. Maybe something less ‘theatre kid turned fascist.’"
His jaw flexed. "You're fired."
"Cool. I'll pack after I finish fixing your disaster of a PowerPoint presentation. Seriously, slide three transitions simulate a car chase. Did you mean to make it look like a Michael Bay film?"
Wesker glared, his sunglasses somehow reflecting your judgmental stare even though you were indoors. You glared back, wholly unimpressed. The red lights continued to blink like a rave for evil plans, unnoticed by both of you.
Day 34
Wesker tried to fire you again after you brought cupcakes to a top-secret Umbrella executive meeting and insisted everyone sing happy birthday to Nemesis.
"You are the worst assistant I've ever had," he snapped, lips twitching like he was trying not to scream.
"Nemesis deserves joy, Albert," you replied calmly, placing a party hat on a bio-organic weapon—roughly eight feet tall with a permanent snarl—that blinked once in confused gratitude.
He rubbed his temple. "I created life to destroy the world, not to… wear sprinkle cupcakes as hats."
You looked him dead in the eye. "Sounds like a you problem."
Day 46
You changed the lab’s background music to Barbie Girl during a viral sample test. Wesker entered the room to find you and Mr. X doing a synchronized head bop.
"Do I even want to know?"
"Team morale, sir."
He tried to fire you. You printed the HR handbook in Comic Sans and highlighted the clause where he couldn’t actually terminate staff without written approval from Umbrella HQ.
Day 58
You changed his password to "ILoveCringe69" and left a sticky note that said, "World domination is temporary. Memes are forever."
Wesker stared at the screen like it had personally betrayed him. He fired you via email this time. You replied with a meme of a raccoon giving a thumbs-up, captioned: "Mood."
Day 73
He returned to his office to find a slideshow titled "Top 10 Times Wesker Tried to Monologue and I Laughed."
"Number 4 was during a hostage situation!" he shouted.
"Exactly. Peak comedy."
"Get out."
You reached for your bag. "Do I take the laser pointer or...?"
He screamed into his glove.
Day 100
He gave up.
"Why are you still here?"
"Because no one else knows how to rewire the coffee machine without setting the lab on fire. Plus, I'm the only one who can decipher your handwriting. Is that 'Destroy the Resistance' or 'Dessert Inventory'?"
He stared at you. You stared back. Somewhere in the distance, a B.O.W. dropped a beaker. No one moved.
"...Fine. But no more cupcakes."
"Deal."
(You still brought cupcakes. With little Umbrella logos on top. Nemesis ate six. Wesker stared at the crumbs and muttered, "At this point, resistance is futile.")
If you want to see more of Wesker's Assistant Chaos, take a look at Part 2
UILDING C — OFFICIAL DISCLAIMER As noted by Gerald T. [Redacted], Building Manager.
Gerald has noted that you are reading this disclaimer. Gerald has further noted that reading this disclaimer does not constitute understanding it. Gerald has noted the difference and finds it relevant.
Building C is a work of fiction. The employees, incidents, and structural irregularities depicted herein are not real. The feelings they produce may be. Gerald is not responsible for the feelings.
Any resemblance to actual coworkers, living or terminated, is coincidental. Gerald did not say "unfortunate." Gerald said "coincidental." Gerald chose that word carefully.
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Gerald wishes you a productive visit. Gerald does not expect one.
— Gerald T. [Redacted] · Building Manager · Building C · Est. 1994 This disclaimer has been notarized. Gerald notarized it himself. Gerald is aware that is not how notarization works.
When the manager looks super professional in meetings, but in reality he’s just busy flirting with the new girls at the office. 👔➡️😏
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