I’m 9 months sober, and this is a hard place to be. I woke up this morning and decided today was the day to relapse. Nothing is wrong - it never is. I just wanted to do it a couple times today and then go about my normal life. I’ve gotten sober and relapsed so many times now that it just seems normal. I’m on Sublocade, and it helped the cravings at first, but now I feel like if I even move I’m fucked. I have a wonderful sober man in my life that’s been with me from the start of my sobriety, and that’s what I’m most afraid of losing. I have my mom and her trust back finally. I have a job, and I’m in college. This has been the hardest day yet. It’s all I can think about. I’ve talked to my mentor, who I refuse to call sponsor because I hate the 12 steps. She helped then, but now I just feel so empty again. There’s a void missing in me without heroin. I always get so strung out and fuck up everything I’ve worked for. It’s never worth it. But I think I have enough self control to do it once and drop it, like I’ve tried and tried to do before. I’m so conflicted and lost.














