⊱ ۫ ׅ ✧ an excerpt from my strattland fic that will probably never be finished ✧ ׅ ۫⊰
“18 years, Eva. We’ve known each other 18 years, how can you ask me to do this?”
Eva scoffs, fixes him with a cold look, the subtle bob of her throat is too loud against both their ears. He can only stare in disbelief as she gives him a bitter smile, “If after 18 years, you don’t know the answer to that question then you don’t really know me at all, Dr. Grace.”
Ryland clenches his jaw, “You can’t be okay with this. You can’t seriously think this is easy t–”
“Of course I know it isn’t,” she cuts him off, her tone sharp and dripping with anger. “You think I want this? You think I want to send you to your death? Ryland yo–” she falters, huffing as she looks away. She brushes her hair off her face. “18 years isn’t nothing.”
Silence stretches between them as his breath stills at her words. It fills the empty space between them, it slots in every moment they have shared for the past 18 years. Neither one of them dared to cross that line, more so her than him, and perhaps this is all she will allow. The only admission she can afford for both of them.
She shakes her head, “But I can’t be selfish, Ryland. We can’t be selfish,” she doesn’t bother to hide the pleading in her voice and he’s the one forced to look away this time. “It goes against everything I stand for.”
He hears her take a deep breath, “Would you seriously be okay choosing this,” he can see her gesturing between them in his periphery and his body trembles with guilt. “Would you deprive the world of their last chance of salvation just to be with me? This planet will crash and burn and there’s not gonna be any future left for the both of us.”
He wants to be angry but he knows she’s right. Coward or not, he’s not cruel enough to completely disregard billions of people for his own satisfaction. Still, he wants to pretend that he can. He wants to pretend that the world isn’t ending and that right here and now he has the courage to confess his feelings and it would be enough to carry them over for the next few decades together.
He closes his eyes and bows his head, a shuddered breath passes through his lips. A single tear makes its way down his cheek, “I should’ve asked you out that day 18 years ago.” He looks up and gives Eva a watery smile, sniffling quietly.
It’s only then that he realizes how hard she’s trying to keep her composure; red-rimmed eyes staring back at him, her white-knuckled grip on her tablet, the slight trembling of her lips. He loves her more than anything, hates himself for being such a coward about it.
He sees her take a deep breath and mirrors it with his own, their breaths falling in sync as they exhale. It does nothing to remove the weight of their situation. It does nothing to wash away the guilt, anger, fear, and the grief of losing something that never really came to fruition. But they can pretend, they have to pretend, for the sake of the world, at the cost of both their hearts, because the alternative is too dire.
“If I asked you then, would you have said yes?” He looks at her, eyebrows raised.
Eva turns her head slightly and licks her lips, fingers shifting slightly on the tablet in her hands, “Maybe.”
Something close to acceptance settles in his chest, not quite at peace, but there’s nothing else left for him to grasp. Maybe it’s something closer to defeat.
He smiles sadly, “Well,” he starts before shrugging his shoulders, “Next time, then?”
Her expression is caught between pain and exasperation but she lets out a short, breathless laugh. It’s impossible to look away from her when her features softened just for him. Impossible for his heart not to seize in his chest when this is probably his last memories of her.
He once told himself he’s perfectly fine with loving her from afar, perhaps this is just the universe’s brutal way of respecting that choice.
.𖥔 ݁ ˖🛸── .✦
don't really have the time to commit to writing all of this so i'm just gonna dump it here.
