So last year, I covered my little apartment balcony with flowers. I'm pretty bad at gardening, but I managed to keep a few things alive, including some lilies. But between squirrels and ridiculously hot DC sun, most everything died, including my mint plant. Do you know how hard it is to kill mint?
Really really hard.
By the end of the summer, I was having a rough time with a bunch of stuff, and cleaning up my pots and things was just too much. I left them all sitting on the balcony all winter. I knew that if I dug up the bulbs and stored them, I could probably replant the lilies in the spring. But I just couldn't bring myself to to it.
Up until yesterday, I still hadn't done a damn thing. That bulb was just sitting out there in completely dry potting soil and me feeling bad about it. But then yesterday, while DC is having a weekend that is threatening to break heat records, I glanced outside and saw this. A little bit of green that has no right to exist in the conditions I've left it in. But there it is.
I'm watering it now. I have no idea if it'll grow well at all since the bulb wasn't ever separate. But seeing that little bit of green was... There's some metaphor about life rebounding in spring or something. I don't know. What's that saying, grow where you're planted? Something like that.
The past week has been a roller coaster of emotions for me. I woke up one day and it was like coming out of the woods. I didn’t have the anxiety and the craziness eating away at my brain. I was beginning to feel safe and secure here.
When they took me away from my family...from Robby...I was trying to act like I was the selfless one. When the door closed behind Robby I had turned to Dr. Livingstone and looked at him seizing him up, quickly analyzing the man myself. I could tell in the first few minutes that we were alone, that he was a decent man. He had kind eyes and he just had a calming presence. I don’t know what came over me...but at that point I was willing to sign my life away to him.
“Promise me...you’ll make me better.”
“I can’t make those promises, Shannon. But I promise that I can work with you. I won’t let you down...and we will get through all of this together. That’s my commitment to you. There are going to be some tough times. I’m not going to lie...”
“Are you going to electroshock therapy me...? Put me in the padded room?” I was still remembering the designer straitjacket I told @robby-l-keene that I wanted.
He laughed at me. “No...we only resort to that if you start a food fight in the day room...or try to instigate a prison break...I promise you we gave up on frontal lobotomies just last year.”
I laugh. He’s got a wry sense of humor that I like. He looks at me seriously...knowing that it’s the right thing for me to do. “It’s time to stop running...for your sake and for your son.”
“I know...you’re right.” Tears are forming and falling and I’m feeling the tightness in my chest. I don’t know if I can maintain or commit...I’ve just been running for years without much thought...if I stop to think then I have to realize and admit things about myself that I don’t want to deal with. “What do I have to do?” The tears are flowing freely.
“You have to trust me. That I know what’s best for you.”
Everything was good until I opened the door and saw Robby standing there. His face. I couldn’t leave him now that I had found him again and we were becoming closer. I wanted to do what I knew was right for both of us...I just...the fear washed over me and I didn’t want to do anything but go home and hide away from everything. Nurse Prescott...I could tell was a no nonsense bitch that wouldn’t put up with any of my crap. And I was right...she lead me away and I wanted to say goodbye one more time. I needed to hug Robby and tell him I would be ok....I thought it would be the last time I ever saw him again...even though I knew that was a foolish thought.
I was lead to the back screaming and a big ogre of a man came out of a room and “escorted” me to my own private room and sat me down, while Nurse P readied a needle. I was already in hysterics and didn’t even feel the needle going in.
Since then, they’ve kept me on a routine. I do so many things around here...I have no time to think about anything except what’s next on the schedule. It feels good to have this routine. It keeps me focused. I’m even starting to enjoy it. And with my “winning personality” I’ve already made friends that have promised we’d meet up once we got outta here.
Mother’s Day came and I woke up to two sets of flowers. It brought tears to my eyes. The first set was from Robby. He wrote me a very sweet card telling me how sorry he was and how much he loved me and hoped that they were treating me well..and that Dr. Livingstone said that we would be able to talk to each other soon, once I got settled in good.
The other set of flowers were from Johnny. I felt a sharp pang in my heart. I didn’t know what to think or say about them. I hesitantly went to the roses and looked at the card. It simply said. “To the Mother of our child...he couldn’t have asked for a better one. - J” I smelled the roses and smiled. I made promises to them all that I would do whatever I could to get better and be the mother and person that I knew would be the best for them all.
Today is a brand-new day...and I’m ready to face it STRONG!
