Summary: You somehow managed to find your way into the Lantern Corps and all you're the bane of everyone's existence.
TW: Sex jokes. Lots. Halbarry mention? (nothing happened, reader's just teasing)
"Get your feet off the console," John growled.
"Can’t," you said, shifting your weight on the glowing green desk. "My thighs are currently stuck to the hard-light by pure friction. If I move, I lose skin, John. Is that what you want? You want to explain to the little blue smurfs upstairs why there’s human epidermis on the sector map?"
Hal rubbed his temples, staring at the floorboards. "How did you even get past the atmospheric shield? It’s designed to incinerate organic matter that doesn't have a ring signature."
"I slid in under the door while you were letting Barry out," you said, leaning your head all the way back over the edge of the console until you were looking at Hal upside down. "By the way, Hal? What were you doing with Barry in the hangar for six hours? Tactical briefing? Without clothes?"
You let out a loud, wet and breathless groan, rolling your eyes into the back of your head to give the others a visual of what you thought went on in there between the guys.
Kyle choked on his energy drink, spraying blue liquid directly onto Simon’s boots. He slammed his fists onto the desk, cackling so hard his knees buckled. "Tactical! Oh my god, the friction—"
"No! Guys, stop! That’s not true! No!" Hal yelled, his face turning an aggressively bright crimson. "There was a localized speed-force tear! We had to change into aerodynamic suits!"
"Yeah, skin-to-skin contact really helps with the aerodynamics, Hal. We know," you muttered. "Does he leave the mask on, or is that just for special occasions?"
Kyle shrieked, hitting the floor entirely. He was rolling on the metal grates, clutching his ribs.
"She is an absolute fucking pain, can we please focus on getting her ass back home?" Simon said, wiping his leather boots with a rag.
"Nice balaclava, Simon," you shot back, pointing an orange-stained finger at him. "What’s the vibe? Bank robber or just hiding a mouth-breathing habit? You look like a soundcloud rapper"
Simon blinked beneath the mask. "It's for tactical concealment—"
"It's for hiding that weak chin, we get it."
Guy Gardner walked into the bullpen, holding a box of space-donuts. "What the hell is going on in here. Who let the civilian touch the main frame?"
"Nice bowl cut, ginger," you said, not even sitting up. "Did your mom hate you?"
Guy froze. "Excuse me?"
"You heard me, Peter Pan. Go back to the kitchen." You turned your attention back to John, who was now standing directly over you, his ring flaring with a dangerous, sharp green edge.
"Alright, that's enough," John said, his voice dropping into the territory that usually made rookie lanterns cry. "You have five seconds to tell me why you're here before I throw you into a holding cell."
You squinted up at the massive marine, entirely unimpressed. "John. Serious question. Do you know Goblin?"
John’s jaw clenched. "Goblin who?"
"John, don't," Hal warned, still holding his face in his hands. "Don't do it."
"Goblin deez nuts!" you bellowed, leaping off the console to fall to your knees off of laughter "Got 'em! Absolute textbook! Put it in the archive, Kyle!"
Kyle was literally pounding his fists against the floorboards, tears streaming down his face. Hal was biting his own lip so hard it was turning white, trying to mask a massive laugh with a fake cough.
"This is a professional workspace," John said through gritted teeth, a giant hard-light hand manifesting above your head. "I am removing you. Now."
Before the green hand could drop, a sharp ping shattered the tension.
A streak of emerald light smashed through the window, zipping past Hal, looping around John’s neck, knocking Guy’s donuts into the trash, and smacking directly onto your right middle finger.
The room exploded in a chaotic glare of green energy that looked like absolute disrespect.
When the glare cleared, you were standing there in the full uniform. The suit was painted on, the chest emblem was massive, and you immediately used the ring to generate a glowing green lawn chair so you could sit right back down.
Silence fell over the room.
"Oh, you've got to be kidding me," Guy muttered.
You looked down at the ring, then up at the six legendary heroes staring at you with total horror. A massive, insufferable grin spread across your face.
"Well, well, well," you said, checking your nails. "The data is in. The consensus is reached. I am officially the hottest Green Lantern in the history of the Corps."
"The ring chose her?" Jessica whispered from the corner, hiding behind a pillow. "The Guardians allowed this?"
"The ring has immaculate taste, Jess," you said, floating two inches off the ground with the absolute worst slouching posture imaginable. "Look at this roster. Hal? Midlife crisis on legs. John? Too stiff, probably keeps his combat boots on during sex to maintain proper ankle support."
"Hey!" John snapped.
"Guy? Moving on," you continued smoothly. "Me? Perfect. It was about damn time they got someone without crippling mommy issues"
Hal looked at Kyle, his eyes wide with a mix of terror and profound respect. "I can not believe this is who we have to work with"
"I know," Kyle whispered, wiping a tear from his eye. "It'll be great"
You tapped the ring against the main console, sending a ripple of green light through their security system. "Alright, now that I'm a protector of the universe, who's taking the hottest Lantern out for tacos? Hal's paying, since Barry keeps him on a strict allowance."
"I am NOT on an allowance!" Hal shouted, already grabbing his jacket. "And I'm NOT fucking Barry!"
A/n: there is actually a severe deficiency of jessica fics in the tumblr community and I won't stand for this.
