#homecomingstarter

[thesnixsation]

Working the late shift at the bar usually brings in good tips and some shots thrown my way. Tonight? Some lady decided that her drink looked better all over my shirt because her husband couldn’t stop staring. If only she knew how repulsive her husband was to begin with, and how much I would rather raw dog a cactus. I couldn’t be more thankful for my hot ass wife than I am now.

Lima, I have not missed you one bit.

[opheliavaldez]

Okay, Sharon, not because my house is way nicer than yours means I have to host sleepovers for teenager girls all fucking weeks. I want to sleep in just like you do, have loud sex like you do and be as hangover as possible so no, it’s your turn. 

[quinnevansfabray]

My Mom calls me every week to invite us for lunch after Church- I’m not sure she realises that she doesn’t need to anymore, its a weekly routine at this point. I’m sure it makes her feel better to call, but it feels kind of pointless to me. 

[brittany-not-spearss]

How do you convince a 6 year old to stop eating glue? Asking for a friend. It’s me, I’m your friend. Help?

[samevansfabray]

So... I’m pretty sure one of my freshman classes found my TikTok. What do I do? Quit? ...Die?

[franniefabrays]

To whoever thought it was a good idea to tell my daughter she was being “too loud” at the park, Give me your address and I’ll show you what “too loud” really means.

[baileyythomas]

you know whats the best part of autumn? leaf jumping. I went for a run today and I found like FOUR piles! it was wicked! does anyone want to go on a leaf jumping marathon? 

[thekittywilde]

If my mom asks me one more time when I’m popping out a kid, there’s high likelihood I’m going to end up as the star of the new Crime TV show “daughters who kill”. To ease her off for a few months I’m going to need someone in Lima to lend me their child this Sunday. They will be returned in one piece and bribed significantly with energy drinks and rice kirspy treats (or whatever kids eat these days).