How to...Know You’re an Alcoholic
I know the “starter pack” meme format is kind of going away, but I wanted to make this anyway:
Notice that most of it is excuses, not images? That’s a big indicator.
Even after a doctor told me, “Hey, you’re an alcoholic”, I didn’t accept it. I had a very specific idea of An Alcoholic™ in my head, and that wasn’t me. An Alcoholic™ is a person who “can’t function” without alcohol, and “gets the shakes” when they haven’t had a drink in a few hours. An Alcoholic™ can’t hold down a job. An Alcoholic™ can barely survive. An Alcoholic spends all their money on alcohol. An Alcoholic™ drinks hand sanitizer if they can’t get a hold of liquor/beer for whatever reason.
That wasn’t me. I just drank because I liked how it tasted. I liked how it made me feel (de-stressed, got rid of anxiety). I felt like things were just better with alcohol. I used to bring my own alcohol even to places where alcohol would be provided, because “I didn’t want any of that weak stuff, I want real liquor.”
It turned out my doctor was right: I was an alcoholic. I had to finally realize it years later.
You see, I was able to function at work...not just function, I was able to excel. I had money to buy things that I wanted to buy, it wasn’t just my entire paycheck going to alcohol. I thought I was just “living it up” or something. And for these reasons, I thought I wasn’t an alcoholic. Everyone around me, on the other hand, absolutely knew I was an alcoholic.
So what made me an alcoholic, and how can you tell if you’re one?
Alcohol sounds like a good idea no matter what time it is. Non-alcoholics see free time, a day off, or a work weekend as a time to sleep in, get chores/errands done, hang out with family/friends. An alcoholic might want to do those things as well, but they want to do it with alcohol. The excuse is, “Well, it’s not like I have to go to work today, so I can start drinking even earlier.”
Alcohol is your only stress management system. If you’re angry? You drink to calm down. Stressed? Drink to relax. Had a bad day at work? You drink to unwind. If you’re having issues at home, you leave your house and you drink alcohol. Any time something bad happens, even something minor, you immediately start drinking.
You get “creative” with alcohol consumption. Going to a bar isn’t always a viable option, so you start making a “walking cocktail”: you go to a convenience store for a bottle of some drink (cola, sports drink, etc.) and also a small bottle of liquor, then you chug half the drink and fill the rest with the liquor, and you walk around or sit at a park or something and drink your cocktail.
Alcohol is your social system. “I drink socially” is true for some people but for the secret alcoholic it becomes “I drink to be social, and that also includes video chats at home.” Any time you want to socialize, you think alcohol is better. You also “drink in social situations”, meaning you’re out with friends/family/coworkers and you start drinking even though no one else is drinking. Instead of “I drink when other people are drinking”, the secret alcoholic merely “drinks when other people are present”, which eventually extends to “drinks when other people are visible” (either you’re out in a social area but you’re not with anyone, or you’re at home alone but you’re doing a video call).
Alcohol is your pain management system. Sure, you might take medication, but you still drink (even though your doctor said you shouldn’t...but “that’s for weak people who don’t have a strong liver ha ha”). Or, if you can’t afford medication, you drink to numb the physical pain. Or, if you have a new problem, such as you hurt your shoulder that day, you don’t even see your doctor and you take some aspirin along with alcohol to “numb the pain”. And all the while you tell yourself that you can’t believe how some people get hooked on opiates, because that’s just silly...you tell yourself that your “pain management system” of alcohol is somehow better because “it’s not like I’m popping pills”.
People start to comment on your drinking, and you have a million excuses for why it’s not a problem. I had to learn that when people comment on something I’m doing, that means it’s out of the ordinary. Yes, we all know several people who have drinks sometimes, so when they point out that “you might have a problem”, they’re saying, “You know, we all like to drink, but you seem to take it to a kind of extreme place.” They’re letting you know that your drinking is not normal. It is not within the typical confines of moderate drinking. It has become so obvious that people feel compelled to say something about it out of concern for your safety and health.
You consider alcohol to be a hobby. If you’re reading this and are worried you’re an alcoholic, the first thing that came to mind when you read this was, “But alcohol IS a legit hobby?? People have wine tastings and other people make craft beers, of course it’s a legit hobby.” Yeah, some people do that. You don’t, that’s why you said “people” and not “I”, so let’s be honest about it. You consider “I like to drink” to be a hobby because you bothered to learn the difference between single malt scotch and blended whiskey, and you can recommend an ale or a stout depending on the situation or accompanying food...but in reality, you consider alcohol a hobby because that’s what you do in most of your free time. People who arrange wine tastings don’t do them daily or even weekly. People who manufacture craft beer might taste test the beer but they don’t drink daily. You do. You drink daily. You might be drinking right now.
You boast about how much you can drink. This should go without saying, but this is not a boast, this is a sign of a problem. You think that it’s worth boasting about because alcohol is your hobby, that’s the only reason you think this is brag-worthy. Imagine seeing a person so obese that they are immobile “bragging” about how they can eat an entire pizza for one meal and still be hungry. “Of course you can,” you’d think, “and that’s because you’ve got a problem with food.” In the same way, when you boast about how much you can drink, other people think, “Of course you can drink that much, you’ve got a problem with alcohol.”
You take pride in being “still functional” when you’re blackout drunk. You probably have several stories about how you blacked out and somehow ended up back home safely with your wallet, keys, and glasses. You have stories about how you managed to take a taxi and explain how to get home despite being blacked out. You wake up and find you prepared ramen and took your nightly medication, all while blackout drunk. Just like boasting about how much you can drink, the only reason to take pride in being a functional blackout drunk is because you spend more of your life blacked out than most people. If you weren’t functional while you were blacked out, you’d have realized you had a problem earlier. Because you can still function while blacked out, you think it’s not that big of a deal because it’s not really interfering with your life...and that really says something.
If you feel like some of these apply to you, see a doctor or ask for help from a trusted person. DM me or send an ask if you need to talk and don’t have a person to talk with.
