It only takes one.
*trigger warning: mentions of sexual assault, harassment, discussions of triggers and trauma*
With the Kavanaugh scandal; the #metoo, #whyididntreport, and #notallmen hashtags floating around; and what happened to me today, I felt the need to write this post.
As a femme-presenting person, I frequently get unwanted attention from men. Most of it is reasonably harmless. Look at me if you must, say hello if you have to, but please don't assume I'm going to give you the time of day.
I had 2 very contrasting experiences today at the gym I go to. One man, as he walked down the hallway, smiled at me and said hello. Pleasantly surprised, I said hello back and went back to what I was doing. When I went upstairs to the track to warm up and walk, I ran into him again. This time he smiled and asked me how I was. I cordially said hello again. Now. Don't get me wrong. I have zero problem with this. Would I rather no one speak to me? Yes. But was I offended or otherwise put off by this very friendly man? Absolutely not.
However. Was I apprehensive of this man walking towards me in a hallway where I was out of sight of other people? Yes. So I moved to a more populated section of the gym to stretch out my very sore hips.
This is the part I have a problem with. I was stretching in the weight section where I spend most of my time in a free section of the floor. I was facing a mirrored wall so I could try to stay as symmetrical as possible. Behind my shoulder I see a man taking a photo of me with his phone. He didn't realize I could see him and no one else was paying attention. I stared at him in the mirror angry and awestruck, but he didn't look at my face once. He snapped the picture and then resumed his weight training.
I couldn't believe what had just happened and I didn't know what to do. I was afraid to tell an employee because I didn't have any proof and he could easily delete it and make it look like I was lying. I only hope my look of horror was reflected in the mirror so when he accesses it later he realizes I saw him.
I've been abused, sexually assaulted, and raped. So this violation of my consent and sexualization of my body was very triggering for me. I managed to leave the area and not have a panic attack. But I spent the next few hours berating myself for not speaking up and confronting the situation. I just couldn't imagine being able to handle them not believing me or the man denying it and making me look paranoid or crazy. The words "don't flatter yourself" and "crazy bitch" keep cycling through my head.
If I were to use this as an anecdote to explain why I don't trust men, I would probably be rebutted with "yea but not all men do that." Want to know my response? It only takes one.
It only takes one man to murder someone because they wouldn't have sex with him.
It only takes one man to rape someone and change their entire life.
It only takes one man to grope or catcall and make someone self-conscious about the way they choose dress.
It only takes one man for someone to be scared that the next one and the next one will be just like him.
It. Only. Takes. One.
I will never forget the faces of those men. I will never forget how it felt to be penetrated against my will. I will never forget how it felt for my ass to be groped and how it felt to try to claw his hand off of me. I'll never forget the day I came home and told my (abusive) boyfriend that I had been raped on vacation and how it felt to be called a "cheating slut" because I "wanted it." I'll never forget the day I was blackmailed into giving up my virginity at 14. I'll never forget the tears I've shed over these moments of my life. Those events changed my life forever.
So when you say #notallmen, I believe you. You're absolutely right. Not all men do things like this. It only takes one man to ruin someone's life. To change someone's life. To end someone's life.
Don't tell me you're different. Respect my boundaries and show me how different you are. Don't tell me I should trust you. Show me that I can.
I didn't report any of the things that happened to me. I didn't feel like retraumatizing myself by convincing people I was a victim. But almost every woman I know has one of these stories. I just so happen to have a whole collection.
❤
