Hi, I was wondering if someone had the pdf of the Jesus fic (that’s me on the spotlight) so they can send it to me? I had it but I changed my phone and lost it 😣
*This idea actually belongs to @shameless-whumper and not my own brain*
Fandom : NA
Characters : Miles Thorson, Mortimus Poll
Whump : Death, Regret, Resurrection
Miles didn’t purposely stay conscious during his time with Mortimus. Under all of the yelling, and screaming himself hoarse, and begging, he was always just trying to let go. To fall into that... peaceful sleep. That eternal rest.
Despite being an atheist his entire life, he couldn’t help but think of something better, something beyond this. Heaven. Maybe that’s where his parents were. Maybe Wes was there.
Today was the day he figured was the end. He could feel himself slipping. Too much blood loss, maybe. Maybe it was just possible to die from being in too much pain. Miles wasn’t even screaming now, his sounds reduced to simple whimpers.
Mortimus was training himself to ignore Miles’ calls, and whimpers. There wasn’t anything he could do, especially when he was the one who was causing them. He hated it now as much as he did as when he had started. That means that he wasn’t paying attention as Miles got quieter... and quieter.
Death works oddly around Mortimus. He usually doesn’t notice when people die because... well, he just doesn’t. That means that when Miles gave his last breath, the necromancer kept going, his oddly bent fingers continuing their work. It took him twelve minutes to notice that he was just torturing a dead man.
Oh.
He wanted to leave him dead. Miles Thorson had been through enough in this life time, he shouldn’t... he shouldn’t be dragged back to the land of the living.
But Josiah said to keep him alive. And the sooner Mortimus got it over with, the more likely it was that Miles would be himself. That he wouldn’t have to rely on him for life.
It only takes a moment.
Miles Thorson opens his eyes. They’re filled with tears. He doesn’t want to be back. And Mortimus knows that.
“Why?” He croaks out.
“Because I have to,” is the only thing Mortimus can say, refusing to look him in the eye as he gets the first aid kit and comes back. “Because I don’t have any other options...”
Summary: Venus is the goddess of sex and desire and has no need for Astroglide. (Venus x Virgin Mary)
Full Of Grace (ao3) - natasja
Summary: Mary, on becoming the mother of God, and the challenges ahead.
Immaculate Conception (wattpad) - puppylover1230
Summary: Maybe the Virgin Mary wasn’t as much of a virgin as we were led to believe… (God x Virgin Mary)
Matrum Cum Filis (ao3) - FelixCulpa19
Summary: ~ Mother and Child ~
Jesus’ last day with his mother, and Mary’s part in the divine drama.
The Dark Virgin Mary (ff.net) - leeluh
Summary: Mary is faced with a terrible tragedy, the death of her son. Now the feelings of her once pure heart have gone…dark.
Visitations (ao3) - primeideal
Summary: Mary says no
Water Into Wine, Wine Into… What?! (ao3) - SilentJo
Summary: “It’s… it’s all gone. They drank it all and now there’s no wine left,” Mary began to pout as she looked up to her son. “It would just be such a shame to have a lovely wedding end now. Isn’t there… something you can do, Jesus?”
Once upon a time, there was a woman. Now, this woman has fallen on hard times, and has lost hope in humanity, and turned to the gods. Every day she would roam the streets, praising the lord to anyone who would listen. Sadly, there was no one. She was not the most mentally stable. That was fine though, as she was one with God.
But she was not, she decided. She did not feel any more holy than before she started preaching. And thus, her quest to become more holy began.
The saying, "you are what you eat" can be interpreted in multiple ways.
The woman decided to sustain herself solely on bread and wine for as long a she could manage. Suffering from malnutrition, dehydration, and possibly alcohol poisoning, the woman perished after 30 days on this diet.
Then, after 3 days and 3 nights, a man awoke from that dead woman's body.
"By golly I have titties!" was the first thing he said when he awoke. He then frowned in confusion as he was not speaking in a language he knew, yet understood himself completely.
(I'm writing this on my work break so it will end at weird points lmao)
Summary: “Crack an egg in my ass and fuck me so hard you scramble it”
Word Count: 3001
Warnings: Food porn, crack fic, seriously guys this is disgusting dont read it
A/N: In light of Easter and the phanfic catalogue rebranding into the @jesusfictioncatalogue, I have decided to make a holy version of the scrambled egg fic! I hope you all enjoy!
-
Judas had never really been a huge fan of eggs. He found them a bit weird, the thought of eating something that came straight out of a chicken’s ass making him shudder. However, he quickly noticed his tastes changing after Jesus accidentally ordered too many eggs from Tesco and had to make them nearly every morning.
Perhaps it was because of that reason why Judas found himself liking eggs more. Or maybe it was just because he made the connection that he had already eaten ass, so an egg was the least of his problems.
That morning was no different than any other as of recently. Jesus had rolled out of bed naked, thanks to their late night sex last night, and Judas was sitting at the breakfast bar, watching as Jesus grabbed some eggs out of the refrigerator. He was cooking naked aside from the pastel pink apron tied around his neck and waist.
Judas enjoyed watching him as he padded across the floor, his ass jiggling with each step. Judas couldn’t help it. He just loved Jesus’s body so much that he wanted to drink him up in any way possible. He wanted to burn the image of Jesus into his mind for eternity.
Jesus was humming as he reached for an egg out of the carton, some tune that Judas didn’t recognise. However, as he grasped the egg in his hand, it ended up falling out of his grip, splattering on the floor and staining the white tile with white. “Oh dear!” Jesus mumbled, grabbing a handful of paper towels and bending down to clean it up.
The action put Jesus’s ass full on display, his cheeks spreading to reveal his pretty pink hole that was still slightly wrecked from their playtime last night. Jesus was unphased, but the sight made Judas shuffle uncomfortably on the stool, his cock beginning to show some interest. His eyes were drawn to the egg splattered on the floor, watching as the yellow spread over the tile.
He stared at the egg, glanced back over to Jesus’s ass full on display. He licked his lips. Before he could rethink his life, his mouth was forming words that he never thought he’d ever say. “Let me scramble an egg in that ass with my dick, baby.”
They both froze. Judas was beating himself up for even thinking of such a thing, and Jesus straightened up, giving Judas a long, contemplative look. Judas wanted to sink into the floor and descend straight to Hell so that Jesus couldn’t judge him. He deserved Hell, that’s for sure.
They both stared at each other, and Judas was absolutely red with mortification. He opened his mouth to take it back, but found that his mouth was too dry, his tongue like sandpaper, and he couldn’t form any words. Turns out, he didn’t have to. Because Jesus spoke before he could, his lips turning up into a smirk that Judas knows all too well. Despite his embarrassment, Judas was intrigued. How was it that Jesus could always turn a terrible situation into one that didn’t seem that bad anymore?
“Is that what you want?” Jesus purred, and before Judas knew what he was doing, he bent over, scooped up a bit of egg on his finger, and reached around himself to insert his eggy finger into his ass.
Judas’s mouth fell open, his cock twitching at the sight of Jesus doing something so completely taboo, so fucking dirty that grandmas all around the world would keel over and die just from the thought of it. He watched as Jesus fingered himself with the yolk for a few more seconds, and then he was nodding shakily, not knowing that he needed this until this very moment.
Jesus laughed, his voice breathy as he pulled his finger out of his hole. Leaving the egg on the floor, Jesus reached for the carton, grabbing an undamaged egg, and held it out to Judas. “Then what are you waiting for? Crack an egg in my ass and fuck me so hard you scramble it.”
Judas had never moved so fast in his life. He grabbed Jesus by the wrist, the one that was holding the egg, and pulled him into him. He smashed their lips together, pushing Jesus against the breakfast bar, and slid a hand over Jesus’s ass, lightly slapping the plump skin. Jesus moaned into his mouth, and he was so hard underneath the apron that Judas could feel it pressing against his stomach. Judas couldn’t judge him. If anything, Judas was even more turned on than Jesus was, his cock already leaking precum and staining that poor pastel apron with his dirty thoughts.
They kissed until their breath was coming in short gasps, and only then did Judas pull away, breathing hard. Jesus’s pupils were dilated, his cheeks red, and his lips even redder with spit. He was so gorgeous, and Judas couldn’t believe that he was actually letting him do something like this. But then again, Jesus had always been into Judas’s weird kinks, saying that he’d try anything at least once. When Judas had randomly wanted to try omorashi, well, let’s just say that Jesus didn’t complain once until they were finished and their bedsheets smelled like piss for weeks.
Judas grabbed the egg from Jesus’s hand, and Jesus’s breath stuttered with the action. Judas pressed a kiss onto the tip of Jesus’s nose, a harsh contrast to their hurried movements beforehand. “Turn around for me, love,” Judas murmured, and Jesus obeyed.
Without further prompting, he leaned over the breakfast bar - the breakfast bar that would forever be tarnished with this memory - and stuck his ass out, his chest dropping onto the surface. He looked behind him, face pressed against the bar, and his eyes were dark. Judas ran his eyes down Jesus’s curvy body, appreciating his soft belly and the scratch marks down his back that were still there from last night.
Judas moaned and pressed a wet kiss to Jesus’s ass cheek, biting the plump skin so hard that Jesus keened and arched his back into the touch. Judas soothed the mark with his tongue, letting out a shaky breath. “I need lube,” Judas breathed, and he didn’t even have time to blink before Jesus was scooting a bottle of ketchup over to Judas. Judas stared at him, but then he looked at the egg in his hand and decided that weirder things have happened.
He decided not to think about it too much as he poured some ketchup onto his fingers, spreading it through his fingers so that it wasn’t so cold from the fridge. He kept his eyes on Jesus’s face as he pressed a finger in, watched as Jesus’s eyes fluttered shut and he breathed in deeply. He was still pretty stretched from last night, so Judas’s finger slid in easily, the ketchup a weird squish noise as he pressed in up to his knuckle.
Judas fingered Jesus like that for just a moment before deciding that he could add a second finger without causing any pain. Jesus cussed, pushing his ass backwards so that Judas’s fingers were buried deep inside of him. Judas scissored his fingers, loving how Jesus was so excited about this, how his body opened up for him and just begged him to put in something much larger than just two fingers. It was because of that that Judas was finally able to push in a third finger.
If he wanted to be able to crack an egg into Jesus’s ass, Jesus was going to have to be able to spread himself wide enough to let the egg seep in, so Judas took his time stretching him. Jesus didn’t mind, of course he didn’t. If anything, he got a little impatient, but Jesus loved being stretched, and this wasn’t any exception.
By the time Judas was done with him, Jesus was a sweaty, moaning mess. He could no longer form any words, and his eyes were rolling with pleasure. When Judas pulled out his fingers, Jesus’s hole was stretched wide, the ketchup turning his skin slightly orange, and there was a sheen of sweat across Jesus’s back. Judas could see Jesus’s hard cock hanging between his legs, and it was dripping a thin stream of precum, almost like he was already so close even though Judas hadn’t even gotten inside of him yet.
Judas let out a large breath, grasping the egg in his hand. He licked his lips. “Spread yourself for me,” he ordered, and in this state, Jesus would obey anything that Judas proposed. Without complaint, he reached both hands behind himself, settled his chest on the breakfast bar, and spread his ass wide, allowing his hole to gape wide open. Judas hummed and kissed his tail bone. “Good boy,” Judas praised, making Jesus whine.
With one hand soothing over the small of Jesus’s back, he used his other hand to crack the egg on the breakfast bar, just enough to crack the shell but not let any of the insides leak onto the surface. That part was just for Jesus and Jesus’s ass.
“Ready?” Judas asked. Jesus nodded, and Judas brought the egg close to Jesus’s hole. With both hands, he opened up the egg just a little, watching intensely as the egg began to dribble into Jesus.
Jesus hissed and his entire body tensed up. “Fuck!” he cursed.
Judas stopped immediately, concerned. “You okay?”
“It’s fucking cold!”
Oops. Judas should have let the egg warm up a little bit before they did this. He smiled sheepishly. “Sorry, I should have let it sit on the counter for a bit. I guess my mind was too scrambled to think about that, though.” Jesus groaned and picked up his head, slamming it lightly onto the counter. “Are you seriously making egg puns while we’re doing this right now? Really?”
Judas shrugged and opened the egg again, letting some more egg slide into Jesus’s hole. Jesus whimpered again, effectively shutting up, and Judas chuckled under his breath. “There’s no way you could have thought that this would have gone over easy,” Judas deadpanned.
“Fuck you,” Jesus spat, and Judas tutted, watching as the yolk dropped into Jesus’s body. As the last of the egg disappeared, Judas threw the shell onto the floor and shoved his finger into Jesus, shivering as Jesus’s body just sucked his finger in, so slick and sticky with egg.
“I’m about to, if you’ll just be patient,” Judas reprimanded, reaching over to grab the ketchup bottle again. At this point, he probably didn’t need any lube because of how slick Jesus was, but he just wanted to be safe. He spread a small amount of ketchup over his dick, groaning at the slight relief, and then situated the tip of his cock at Jesus’s hole. “Ready?” Judas asked.
Jesus hummed. “I’ve been ready since you proposed the idea, you fucker,” Jesus hissed, and Judas knew just by his cocky mouth that he was getting impatient from being so turned on. Deciding not to spare him any longer, Judas slammed his cock inside of Jesus, knowing that Jesus could take it.
Jesus jerked forward with the force, and moaned so loudly that the neighbors could probably hear, but Judas didn’t show him mercy, immediately pulling out and slamming back in. He could feel the coolness of the egg seeping into his cock, only warmed by Jesus’s body, and the slimy texture of the food made Judas’s mouth drop open in pleasure.
It was like nothing he’d ever felt before and everything that Judas had never known he’d wanted. Jesus was so slick, Judas’s cock sliding inside of him so easily, dragging against Jesus’s walls in a way that made his hips stutter. He cursed, dropping his head onto Jesus’s back, and grabbed Jesus’s hips so hard that there would probably be bruises there by the time they were finished. He could hear his balls slapping against Jesus’s ass, could feel the yolk dripping out of Jesus’s ass with each pull of his cock, and it was the most amazing thing he’s ever experienced.
When he looked into Jesus’s face, he could see that Jesus’s eyes were glazed over, almost like he was about to start crying, but Judas knew it wasn’t from pain or because he didn’t like it. Jesus almost always started to sob during sex because he became too overwhelmed with pleasure that he could barely hold it in anymore, and this just told Judas that he was doing good, that Jesus was feeling amazing right now.
Jesus reached behind him, grabbing Judas’s thigh to make Judas thrust deeper into him, and the resulting whine made Judas realise that he was slamming into Jesus’s prostate with every thrust. It was because of that that Judas let out a growl and started to rut harshly into Jesus, physically unable to hold himself back anymore. He was feeling so good, was so hard that it hurt, and his toes were curling in pleasure. Jesus was so wet, literally dripping, and when Jesus clenched around him, Judas absolutely lost it.
He chased his pleasure, trying to make this good for Jesus as well, but his balls were already clenching up tight to his body. His breathing was broken and ragged as he panted into Jesus’s skin, so overwhelmed, so needy and desperate. He was already so close to the edge, and by the way Jesus was thrusting backwards onto his cock, Judas could tell that Jesus was too.
With that, he reached around Jesus’s waist and started to jerk Jesus off in time with his thrusts. It was sloppy, his hand covered in ketchup and raw egg, but Jesus was sobbing with pleasure now, his mouth wide open and his cheek pressed to the counter in a way that didn’t seem comfortable at all. Judas gritted his teeth, the feeling of fucking Jesus so deep and so messily giving him such a wave of pleasure that the breath was knocked out of him.
As Judas rubbed against Jesus’s prostate and Jesus clenched around Judas, he could feel the pull in his stomach that told him that he was going to come. He gasped out a warning, stroking Jesus quickly, and his hips lost his rhythm, just trying to get his cock as deep inside of Jesus as possible as he came, filling Jesus up with his cum, mixing it with the egg and ketchup.
“Oh, oh my God,” Jesus gasped out, tensing up and letting out a girlish moan. “I’m so fucking full,” he whimpered, and Judas knew that was true. He was filled to the brim with egg and cum, and Judas was still fucking into him, fucking the liquid deeper inside of Jesus so that he would be able to feel it for weeks to come.
When Jesus came, Judas could feel it everywhere. Jesus went limp. His breathing completely stopped. He tightened around Judas’s cock so much that Judas thought his own dick was suffocating. And then he was coming, spilling his liquid into Judas’s hand. Whenever Jesus reached orgasm, he fell completely silent. Although he was loud during sex, his orgasm was the only time that Judas had ever heard Jesus shut the fuck up long enough to get a word of his own in.
This time, Judas had no words. He couldn’t think, could hardly feel. He was a boneless mess. He stayed inside of Jesus for a few more seconds before pulling out easily, watching as egg yolk and cum dripped out of Jesus with the movement.
He tutted, put the hand that wasn’t covered in cum on the small of Jesus’s back and pressed down, forcing Jesus’s hips up so that he didn’t lose any more liquid. With the hand that was filled with Jesus’s cum, he then spread Jesus’s wrecked hole and let the hot cum slide inside of Jesus as well, mixing with Judas’s cum as well as the egg.
Jesus moaned, his mouth falling open. “God I feel like a dirty whore,” Jesus whined, and Judas laughed.
“You are a dirty whore. But so am I, apparently.” Judas pushed the cum in further with two fingers, feeling Jesus spread so wide for him, and he was probably the most disgusting mother fucker in the world when he said, “can you pass the salt?”
Jesus opened his eyes and furrowed his brows, frowning. “Excuse me?”
Judas rolled his eyes. “Pass the salt, Jesus.”
With confusion in his eyes, Jesus reached across the counter and grabbed the salt, handing it to Judas. He probably didn’t understand exactly what was happening, but when Judas grabbed it and lightly salted Jesus’s asshole, Jesus’s eyes widened and his lips formed a little o.
“You are not going to-” But Judas was. And he did. As he closed his mouth around Jesus’s hole, sticking his tongue inside of his body to taste the ingredients of his meal, Jesus let out an inhuman moan before almost shrieking. “What the fuck are you doing, you nasty piece of shit?!”
Judas frowned and pulled away, licking his lips. “I’m eating my breakfast. What’s it look like I’m doing.”
They stared each other down, some sort of challenge to back down, but when a small smile started to creep over Jesus’s lips, they both lost it. They were hysterical, actual tears running down their faces because they are the grosses mother fuckers out there and they knew that they would never be able to tell anybody what just went down that morning.
After they cleaned up the best that they could without taking a shower yet, just enough that Jesus could walk across the house without staining the entire carpet with egg, Jesus stopped Judas and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Hey Judas?” he asked.
“This is such a great idea, Sharon.” He takes her hand and kisses it.
Todd and his bride-to-be, Sharon, walk through the woods, a photographer in tow to capture their love and excitement for their engagement photos.
“Just wait,” she says. “There’s more.”
“Really?” He can’t imagine what else she has in store.
When Todd met Sharon at Our Lady of the First Original Gospel Saint of Our Rock Living Waters Holy Ghost Hebrew Pentecostal Christ Church of the Redeemer of Our Everlasting Lord King Jesus Tabernacle Hall of Bethlehem, or OLFOGSORLWGHHPCCROELKJTHB for short, just three days ago, he’d know that she was the one for him.
God had told him so.
Well, maybe it was his dick, but that’s neither here nor there.
