#kanthau

[heretherebedork]

Kan is absolutely going to break my heart in this show, isn't he? The way they've created him. He's so obviously in the closet and aching with the knowledge that he is and trying to avoid it, trying so hard to not be who he is. You can see that first response, that want and then the way he shuts himself down, pulls away, tenses up... And then when he looks at the more effeminate students and there is longing but also fear and it quickly turns to a brush off, to a dismissal, to talking about the girls he's gonna see and the date he has. But the longing in his look, the way he watches, the way he stares. Oh, Kan. You are gonna hurt.

[vpsbf]

ayan threatening to kiss akk every ep.

akk internally every episode: P-Please do!

akk in reality: Ew gross! I'm a prefect! I have zero feelings for you! and you annoy me!

[heretherebedork]

The most painful part of Kan and Thua is that they both want the exact same thing. They want to hold hands, they want to smile, they want to laugh, they want a chance to be be themselves together. But Kan is terrified of the judgement he sees cast and Thua would rather disappear then face people alone. They both ache and they both hide and the silence when Thua lets go of Kan's hand because Kan has frozen in the moment shakes the rest of the episode.

Because that is the moment of realization for both of them, a moment when Kan knows he is a coward and Thua knows he isn't going to fight and they both have to admit to themselves who they are and who the other is. That Kan must see that he is not the knight he wants to be and Thua knows he is fighting alone.

Kan is so happy to grab Thua's hand, to guide him to safety, to protect him from the threats he perceives... but the threats he sees are not the real danger. The real danger is his fear, the real danger is him.

Thua wants, needs, someone beside him. He needs to be supported, he needs to know he's not alone and while he wants Kan to support him... Kan can't. Kan is a coward, Kan freezes, Kan cannot stand alongside Thua. He can stand behind, he can punch someone in a bathroom, he can stand on a beach and promise to listen.

But he is not strong enough to face them head on, to face the judgement that Thua faces every day.

Kan hates himself for being queer, Thua hates himself for being silent.

A coward and a bystander fall in love and they disappoint themselves again and again, hurt themselves again and again, stare at each other with longing and pain but knowing that they are not good enough for what they want, hating themselves and cursing themselves, Thua wanting to disappear and Kan wanting to do so much he can't.

Their relationship is going to hurt so much because they're both struggling so much just within themselves. Thua has closed himself off and Kan protects himself with anger and jokes and when they're alone together is when they're most honest about who they are but that just isn't viable for either of them.

[heretherebedork]

So we evolved from buying pink milk to pink candy?

Not complaining though, only because Kan/Thua are total, oblivious dorks-in-love, who are in dire need of some pink magic!

The worst part, anon, is that they're not oblivious.

I did like the touch of pink candy.

But just look at how they look at each other.

Just Kan offering that candy... that is not the look of someone just looking a friend.

That is not how you look at someone you don't love.

The most heartbreaking thing about these two is that they both know they're in love.

Thua knows that Kan cares about him. He knows that Kan defended him, he accepted the candy from Kan, he waits until he has plausible deniability to speak to him about what he did.

Thua knows.

And Kan knows. Kan knows he's gay. Kan knows he wants more with Thua.

But Kan is unable to move past his internalized homophobia, past his own internal fears, past the hundred year old rules and laws that rule Suppalo and to recognize and appreciate his own desire.

I wish they were oblivious, anon. That would hurt so much less.

But no.

They know.

The worst is that Thua knows and he accepts but Kan knows and he can only deny himself and yearn.

[heretherebedork]

It's all about the way Kan looks at Thua... but also the way Kan looks when he's defending Thua.

But also... the way Thua looks at, and after, Kan.

[heretherebedork]

Thua has tried to be good enough, to be the Good Queer One, the quiet one, the one that no one has a reason to object to and never offends anyone, accepts the insults and the words thrown against him to prove he's better. He's tried so hard and all it ever does is hurt and when Ayan tells him his voice matters, when Ayan tells him that he matters... you can see him break a little, see how his eyes change. He wants that to be true but he also has a legacy to uphold, his father's history with the school holding him back despite the new thoughts swirling in his head and when he tells Kan he didn't ask him to study because he always fell asleep you can see Kan's desperation. He just wants to be near Thua, to have his attention, to know he's still there near him and he just can't handle the thought of losing that last little bit while Thua has to lose this, has to accept himself and stand up for himself and find himself as he is and where he is.

They must be lost to be found and broken to be fixed and a scar over a festering wound must be reopened to begin the healing.

[heretherebedork]

The deep homophobia and automatic avoidance by all the Suppalo prefects when presented with affection or flirting or close proximity versus Aye's comfort with himself and Thau's confusion is truly beautiful because it's already illustrating how their rules following is hurting them, is forcing them into boxes they don't fit in, and how the people who are comfortable with their sexuality and themselves can end up so easily hurt by those who put rules about people.

[heretherebedork]

Kan and Thua share so much with each other that they express in such different ways but that they still see it in each other.

They are both self-hating young men who are queer, know they are, but don't know how to safely or healthily express it. They're both trapped by expectations and family and society and they're both in agony with it.

But Kan is big. Kan takes up space with his fear and his insecurities and he overcompensates and he laughs and he pushes his friends and he hides himself behind the bigger parts of himself. He makes himself seen as he wants to be seen, to be viewed as he wants to be viewed and he accepts nothing else.

Thua is small. He makes himself small. He tries to take up no space, to not be seen, to be invisible. He hates that he is not braver, that he is not more powerful, that he cannot stand alongside other people. He wants to disappear. He wants to be nothing. To be seen is terrifying because to be seen is to be in danger.

Kan is ashamed of his queerness but Thua is ashamed that is not braver about his queerness.

Thua must be the one to let go because Kan wants to be a hero and he must see that he has to change to be a hero. Thua is not the one who needs to change because Thua is the one who needs to be supported and Kan is the one who wants to do that.

Bruce Wayne, instead of Batman. The secret identity instead of the hero. This about the reveal, the secrets behind the face. Bruce Wayne is someone who took pain and who took tragedy and who turned it into an identity not his own for his own protection and the protection of others. Bruce Wayne is the wealth behind Batman, the face that no one suspects, the person no one knows. Bruce Wayne is a secret. Bruce Wayne is a scared boy watching his parents die. Bruce Wayne is not the hero but he can be.