I’m not sure if anyone who knew me or was familiar with my work will ever read this, but I feel like I owe an update, and an apology, after completely disappearing three years ago. Maybe there’s no one who cares, and that’s fine and understandable, but I hope this reaches some of the people who were worried about me.
In 2018, I started the Watching the World Burn series for The Dark Knight fandom as LadyoftheSea, later expanding to the Going a Little Mad and Opscuritas series. In 2022, I deleted my work from fanfiction.net, orphaned my works on AO3, and deleted my AO3 and tumblr accounts. I did this without telling any of the many friends I had made or my readers, something I deeply regret.
When I started writing fanfic in 2018, it very quickly became a wellspring of joy for me, as well as my primary coping mechanism. I was fortunate to have found a great audience and amazing friends. They provided me with a great deal of support and love, and for that I am very thankful.
Those who knew me may remember my being very open about my long struggles with mental illness, depression and PTSD especially. As much as I loved the TDK community, my readers, and my friends, I eventually reached a place where I was not myself and not safe. I felt disconnected from my family, friends, and community. I couldn’t find it in me to write, and I felt like such a massive disappointment. I’d convinced myself that it would be better if I disappeared completely. I did not fully think about what impact that would have on the people who talked to me almost every day, who worried and cared about me. I did not do right by any of you, and I’m so sorry for that, too.
I am glad to say that I’m better and stable, that I finally know what it’s like to be in recovery for longer than a few months at a time. I’m finally doing okay. It was brutal getting here, but I wish I had done more to make it happen sooner.
I recently read through comments that were left on my stories on AO3, and they are what motivated me to put something out there for folks to find. It was touching but sad how many people wished I had continued writing or wanted to know if I was alright, and I’m sorry that I let all of you down. I don’t have it in me to finish my old stories anymore, but I’m glad they still exist on AO3, even if my “name” is no longer associated with them.
You might see me posting similar content here that I used to was active on tumblr, but if any of my old readers do find this post, I’m happy to answer messages or asks about what I had intended to do with my stories. That is, unfortunately, all the closure I can offer.
I’m not sure how to end this post—but, thank you to the people who worried about me, who read my work and felt it resonate with them. As much as I regret my attempt to scrub my presence from the internet, going back and reading old comments has done a lot to encourage me to write again, even if I never return to the TDK fandom.
I know apologies don’t mean a lot on the internet and three years is a long time to have said nothing, but I truly am sorry. I hope my old fandom friends and readers are well and thriving, and I think of you all often—both with gratitude and regret.
- Lady of the Sea
