I took a stab at drawing the goat's narinder (pupinder? Naripup?) And came up with this. Him being a samoyed just feels right to me. But tbh? I have NO CLUE what to do with the bishops (random ramblings below the cut)
So like. Pup narinder, I imagine him as being the bishop of life and light, and being just super sweet. And the thing is, I imagine he says pretty much the same stuff Narinder does, but the way he words it gives it an ENTIRELY different meaning.
"I still have need of you" -> implies that the lamb is a tool for Narinder to use. He can't throw them away just yet, because there is still some use left in them. Defines them by their usefulness
"I still require your services" -> puts more value on the goat's abilities to act if that makes sense. Acknowledges that the goat is a being that is capable of making decisions on its own and puts trust in the idea that it'll use its abilities to help him. Defines it by its autonomy.
i also imagine him talking about sacrifice in a much different way. Instead of seeing sacrifice as cashing in souls like currency, I feel like he'd see it as a mercy. "Why allow your followers to slowly work themselves to death, living in pain and fatigue until they give out, when you can offer them a smooth transition into the afterlife?"
Also because of this personality swap, the idea of him betraying his siblings out of pride doesn't make as much sense. What do I propose, then? Easy! As the bishop of light and life, he couldn't stand to see followers suffering for any slight against his siblings, so he took those in who needed respite. He offered an oasis to those unfaithful to his siblings, and when that happened, his siblings got PISSED because they saw that as him stealing their followers. So, they tried to confront him and take back their followers, only for narinder to defend his followers by maiming his siblings. This caused the others to chain him up in the gateway and either sacrifice or convert the rest of his followers.
Now, with all of this, I have several ideas for the bishops but can't really use them all.
Idea 1: Domain swap. Everything stays pretty much the same except for their domains (and consequently their colors). Heket would be plague, Leshy would be war, Shamura famine, and Kallamar chaos. (Honestly zero clue what to do with the colors OR crowns for that matter. Keep the same crowns? Crowns change colors, too??? -\('–')/-)
Idea 2: Species swap. They turn into slant-variants of each of their species (which changes their colors, too). Heket could be a frog, maybe Leshy is an isopod or something, Kallamar would be an octopus (duh), and Shamura could maybe be a bat?? Centipede?? (Thinkin of something that lives in a cave maybe. Scorpion?)
Idea 3: Domain inversion. This could work in tandem with the previous one but anyways. Idea being that their domains invert (just like Narinder's) which causes personality changes. Leshy could be the bishop of order, causing him to be a MASSIVE control freak who panics when the goat comes back (making him more cowardly like Kallamar). Heket could be the bishop of gluttony, causing her to give the goat more of the benefit of the doubt (making her more understanding like Shamura). Kallamar could be the bishop of vitality, seeing the goat as nothing more than an insignificant worm and underestimating its power (making him more assured like Leshy). Shamura could be the bishop of stagnation/sloth, dissuaded and distraught by the goat's challenge to the old faith (making them more vengeful like Heket).
Of the ideas, I'm most attached to the third. Plus with the personality swaps, their injuries could also swap. Heket could be think no evil since she was the most open-minded, Shamura could be see no evil because they were ignorant to the world around them, Leshy could be hear no evil since he refused to give anyone else a voice, and Kallamar could be speak no evil since he was a loudmouth.
What are we thinking, chat? Thoughts? Comments? Ideas?
Aside/edit: with idea #3 (which I'm more and more attached to as I write this), that could be interesting bcs it would recontextualize each bishops' patterns in their boss fights.
Take Kallamar for example. For the lamb, he is terrified of fighting them, which is seen when he pretty much just button mashes doing everything he can to keep that fuckin thang away from him. You can tell that he's panicking during the boss fight from how erratic his movement is. But in the goat's universe, Kallamar's fighting style could be indicative of his disregard for the goat's existence, moreso swatting him away like a pesky mosquito. Inversely, Leshy's fight with the lamb not only shows that he has no clue what the fuck he's doing, but that he doesn't think the lamb does, either. He doesn't even try to hit the lamb physically until well into the battle. For the goat, however, this could be out of fear. Leshy is terrified of the goat, trying as hard as possible to avoid it until he desperately resorts to smacking it around just to kill it. I know that none of this has any bearing on what we see of the goat in the lamb's cult, but it could help explain some of the confusion the goat experiences when it interacts with the lamb's bishops for the first time.
Bat Family AU wherein it’s Janet Drake who survives the Obeah Man’s attack instead of Jack.
Tim’s already Robin, she’s in the coma, and all that. However, when she wakes up, things are a little different. She still buys the mansion next door to Wayne Manor, but she’s happy to accept any help Bruce wants to offer in regards to Tim so he can just say “I’m going to Bruce’s” and she’ll just check that he either did his homework or is bringing it with him. She doesn’t expect Tim to help with her treatment or transport and certainly doesn’t expect a fourteen year old to help out at Drake Industries.
She hires a physical therapist to visit the house every day (Dana, so she’s still a part of Tim’s life, if in a slightly smaller role). She still hires Mrs. Mac as their new maid. She also hires a driver, as well as a new COO to help her bring Drake Industries back after it had gone stagnant in her absence.
The twist? The COO is Talia Head (aka Talia al Ghul).
When Janet learns that Talia has two sons -one, barely a few years older than Tim, the other, a few years younger- she suggests they move into the mansion with them while Talia looks for a place (it works out well enough that they end up staying long-term). Talia introduces Bruce and Tim to Damian early (Jason initially hides out in her side of the mansion since he’s not ready to see Bruce yet and Talia is not forcing his hand on that). Damian is still a spoiled brat at first, but since they’re introduced as allies rather than rivals, Tim and Damian end up getting along great once he’s settled down a bit (and with Talia, Janet, and Jason working together to help him).
Talia killed the Joker upon moving to Gotham (no way was that clown getting near any of her boys again) so while Jason’s mad at Bruce, he still feels he has a parent who loved him enough to cross that line. It also helped to counter Shelia’s betrayal a little and balance out his feelings about parents overall, particularly his mother figures. One mother loved him and tried her best but was given a bad hand, another gave him up to the Joker to save herself some trouble, the last severed ties with her father (whose thumb she’d been under for hundreds of years) and risked the ire of the man she loved to protect him.
The younger boys (Tim & Damian) pretty much split their time between Wayne Manor and the Drake Mansion.
Which gives Janet and Talia plenty of time to build up Drake Industries and take over the Court of Owls on the side.
Instead of making/controlling the talons as the previous Court did, they put them to rest and just send Jason or a few of Talia’s trusted assassins (including Pru, who came to Gotham with her) to fill in the role.
Jason learns more about how and why Tim became Robin this time, so while he’s still pissed at Bruce, he doesn’t take any of it out on the Boy Wonder or anyone else. He even helps with Tim’s training (and his English homework). Jason still takes over a good portion of the Gotham drug/arms circuit and gets to do his big dramatic reveal to Bruce/Batman after fucking with him a bit, only it’s as Talon. His new plan is more of a Bat-level EXTRA guilt trip that keeps going on even after he’s started accompanying his little brothers to the Manor. And he’s a little more focused on protecting his little brothers.
Until Jason decided he wanted the do said big dramatic reveal, Bruce had no idea that the Court of Owls was real or that Janet and Talia had taken it over. He knew something had shifted in Gotham, some cases were going too easily and someone was taking out certain threats before they could become an issue. He’d be working under the theory that there was a new vigilante in town.
It had honestly been driving him a little nuts that he couldn’t find them -that’s part of why Jason decided they needed to get everything out in the open, it was stressing out Tim & Dami.
Neither Janet nor Talia will bow to Bruce’s wishes regarding anything, and he won’t bow to theirs, so the three of them end up working together as equals in a way Bruce doesn’t usually do. He ends up actually liking it, as it makes life a lot less stressful when he isn’t assuming full responsibility for everything and everyone around him.
Alfred, Clark, and Diana have each thanked Janet and Talia in their own way. Dick thanked Janet but he still doesn’t like Talia.
When Cass enters the picture, she gets two honorary moms, Babs gets to just be the cool big sister without all the extra stress, Jason, Tim, and Damian are immediately her adorable little brothers who would totally kill for her, and Bruce is a notably less emotionally constipated control freak, so she has a much easier go of everything.
Cass stabbed some asshole in the throat?
Talia: “It’s isn’t as though he died, Beloved. And good job not getting blood all over your new suit, Cassandra, dear.”
Janet: “It was HIS knife, Bruce. She was defending herself. I don’t know about you, but I would certainly prefer that Cassie comes home in one piece over her being more gentle with the criminals you encourage her to confront.”
Jason: “What, you’d rather have ANOTHER dead kid on your conscience, old man? Then maybe stop sending KIDS out to do your dirty work while expecting them to hold back against MURDERERS, PSYCHOPATHS, and TERRORISTS. Good job, Cass.”
Damian: “Tcht, she didn’t even do any permanent damage, Father.”
Tim: “Cass knew what she was doing. Aside from the visceral shock, is it really that different from hitting someone in the head hard enough to knock them unconscious? He’ll probably have less long-term damage than those henchmen you took out Tuesday night.”
Babs: “Oh, did the poor child murderer get hurt? We aren’t all in this to make ourselves feel good, Bruce. Some of us want RESULTS. Good Job, Cass. I brought some of that ice cream you liked. It’s in the freezer upstairs.”
Dick: “So, no one died; a child’s life was saved, plus any future victims if he’d gotten away tonight; two unsolved murders have been solved, so their families at least get some closure; the killer is in the hospital, under the GCPD’s watch, breathing on his own and there was no permanent damage done to his esophagus or vocal chords. What’s the problem, here, B?”
Alfred: “Forgive me, but has anyone explained the rules to Miss Cassandra beyond ‘no killing’? Because if not, then I do believe she was merely following the rule while using her skill to it’s most effectiveness. Why would she have used a series of blows to line him up for a nerve strike or knockout when she could disarm him and incapacitate him with one swift move?”
Bruce: “Alright, alright. You’ve all made your point. Obviously, we need to have a sit-down to discuss methods and motives and come to an agreement. In the meantime, I’m glad you’re alright, Casandra. And good job saving that child’s life tonight. Why don’t you get changed and take your ice cream to one of the dens upstairs to relax?”
Hi Dollar-chan! So I made a non-lolita dress using New Look 6390 recently and I wanted to input my suggestions for anyone looking to use it as well.
1) I don't personally like the straps the pattern provides and I think you're just as well off using straight ones instead of the slightly curved ones they provide, personally. but i also wonder if I put the straps on the opposite sides i was supposed to...? I also found the straps to be a bit wide on me but that may be bc of my specific shoulders and not bc of the pattern.
2) I found the princess seams on 6390 to be a bit widely spaced for me and i also had to alter the shape of them a little, possibly bc i have a bigger chest? Another thing I noticed is that the bodice hits a little high in front and a little low in back, so adding on a bit of length to the front may be beneficial if you have a bigger chest like I do and don't plan on adding the waistband.
3) Adding a side zipper and a shirring panel was very easy! But I will say, the existing back panel piece they give you slopes down a little bit to where the zipper is supposed to be, and that's not necessary if you're doing shirring instead so I would make it go straight across. It's definitely a nice simple pattern to use as a base for Lolita stuff, and I'm planning on using it again at some point to make some actual JSKs.
Good info, for @babelglyph and anyone else trying out this pattern. Yeah, when I made it back in '16, I had that problem with the front being too big. New Look patterns are kind of like that sometimes. I don't know why, but they are.
The pattern tissue should have the bust point marked on it, so I recommend measuring the distance between your bust points and then moving that front piece over the fold of the fabric until that distance is correct. That might mess with your overall fitting a little bit, so add 5/8" or so to your side seam allowance for easy adjusting there.
day thirty-five of making art for beabos and beimosꔫ
[posts with ꔫ symbols have nicknames edited after the original post was made; original post's nickname was "Vinny Vinesauce". edited 6/5/26
the exceptions to the 'nickname originality' edits include the first ten posts where "Vinny Vinesauce" was the default name, before frenchie had conceived of using the nicknaming convention -- as well as nicknames that are repeated on purpose affectionately, like 'beanie speeny', as favored names.]
today is the day... the fated post i talked about yesterday / started building yesterday.
this is a really, really long post [i think several thousand words] but after rereading it three times i don't think there's anything i want to cut significantly -- the core point of me writing this initially was to talk about a dream I had the night before that involves vinny of vinesauce industries -- and i will still get into that but i do feel that the million extra context does add a lot to the meaning of the dream itself so.. yeah
tw for talks of past horrors/ including but not limited to past ideations/antidepressant related nonsense
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Several years ago, I want to say 2018 or 2019, I was prescribed Lexapro. I've been told by several doctors that Lexapro is the only antidepressant that they really feel comfortable putting me on.
At first, this was presented to me as being because my mom brought up concerns (that I also shared) about other types of antidepressants heavily impacting my personality or "zombifying" me.
But recently, it feels more like the reasoning for not wanting to go for others is related to my health or my weight or something to that effect, but nobody is direct with me when it comes to exactly why I can't, or shouldn't, try other antidepressants. It's treated with such excessive trepidation that I almost think Zoloft or Prozac are actually rat poison in disguise or something. If it was just that it interacts poorly with the other daily medications I take, I feel like they would just say that... but that's really not extremely relevant to the main topic.
That first time taking it, the side effects were icky for about two weeks, but not unbearable. After that point, I started feeling pretty good. There was a grace period where things were just nice, and I would have these vivid but cool and good and interesting dreams, which wasn't a side effect of Lexapro I had been aware of prior to starting. There was a whole world within my dreams I would be able to spend (what felt like) hours exploring, including a lot of very liminal and surrealist spaces, which gave me something to look forward to. This dream-space did exist before the Lexapro, but it really took shape at that time when my brain was able to do things in dreams it, frankly, had never been able to do before.
After that grace period ended, I started having twisted nightmares that would, to be quite honest, traumatize me. Nowadays, I can't remember a single one of the ones I had back then, but I just remember waking up and crying and shaking for the entire rest of the night, unable to go back to sleep. I already struggled with my grades despite being (according to others, anyway) very smart [presently, I think this constant grade-struggle was from a mixture of being bullied and just horrible mental health/autism that I was not aware of and therefore could not accommodate adequately for myself -- but at the time, I just felt like a predisposed failure], but as far as I can remember, the overall academic performance really tanked at this point. I had math first period, easily my weakest subject, and it was the only class in my entire life where I actively fell asleep in class.
I didn't want to talk to anybody about the dreams, which is probably why I forgot them pretty fast and can't recall any specifics now. I also didn't want to tell anybody about how much it was making me struggle, because it had already been established that Lexapro was the only option for me. If Lexapro didn't work, I was confident I had no other choice.
Well, aside from the awful nightmares that I had to just sort of grit and bear, another side effect was suicidal ideations, but not in the way I was expecting. When you first start taking antidepressants, I think it's common, even expected, that you'll get a bit of a lecture about how they can sometimes cause an opposite effect where it will make you more depressed and more suicidal.
My stepdad told me that this was because if you take antidepressants (what, by all accounts, should be the right thing to do to curb your depression), and it doesn't work, you'll feel even more hopeless than you did before you started taking them. I believed him at first, especially given the fact that Lexapro was always introduced to me as my 'one' option of mental health medicine -- of course I might feel hopeless if my one thing that could 'save me' actually doesn't help me at all. And I'm sure that there are a lot of cases where the ideations really do boil down to this.
For me, however, the ideations happened in a much less... conventional sort of way. I would feel better and more stable emotionally on average, as a baseline, but my tolerance to any obstruction was heavily reduced. The moment anything came along that brought me any strife at all, I was flooded with horrific mental images of my own body in horrific states of 'life' or un-life, and the imagery was usually as surreal and nonsensical as the pill-infused nightmares I'd been afflicted with, such that it was easy to write them off as being "too silly to be serious", even though they were attached to very real emotions. It was a really bizarre sequence of intrusive thoughts to have.
Going to my mom and saying "I've been thinking about dying lately" would be one thing, but it wouldn't feel accurate when the reality of the situation was more like, "I've been imagining putting my head into some sorta like, giant blender lately, but I do kind of wish I could actually do it". The almost slapstick nature of the imagery made it extremely easy to invalidate everything about the emotions generating them, until it reached a certain point where so many things were causing me stress that I was near-nonstop having different graphic images flying through my brain, to the point I started considering actual harm. At that point, I did tell my mom, and I weaned off of the Lexapro from that point. That was probably within 6 months of me starting it.
Cut to March 26th of last year, when my doctor told me that I would need to start taking it again. Different from the doctor I had when I first took it. Because anxiety and depression are at least in my medical history, I get to take those fun screening questions every time I go in so they can track how depressed I am or whatever. Very reminiscent of how I'm overweight so every time I step foot into a doctor's office they absolutely MUST steal my blood from my veins. Which I don't mind as much as I used to, now, but I digress.
The results of these mental health questionnaires were getting increasingly worse each time I had gone into the doctors over the last couple of years, and I guess in March of last year, they reached a point where my doctor was like "yehp, we have to do something about this now". They had me start on the smallest possible dose (5mg, i think), in the hopes that it would have a bit of a better result than it did the last time.
At the time, I did want to try Lexapro again, 'cause I was so scared of the others and I wanted something to try and help. Now, in hindsight, I really think it was pretty fucking crazy they wanted me to try taking Lexapro again, given just how poorly it had gone several years prior. Maybe since I'm an adult now, they thought my brain chemistry is different enough that it might fare differently...?
The experience was pretty different this time. There wasn't really a period where I had only good and cool dreams; I think the night I took Lexapro I had the first in a series of nightmares that happened every single night for that entire week or two. And I think I was still in college at this point. It was actually a pretty scary time to start the medication 'cause I would have been only a few months shy of exam season.
After the first few weeks, the nightmares wouldn't be nightly, but they worsened into being much more traumatic. And, unlike in the past, these would be dreams I wouldn't wake up from after reaching a certain point of distress (usually). In the past, I would have dreams that were traumatizing, but the moment I started to cry or panic hard enough in the dream, I would wake up. That, most often, doesn't happen anymore.
I have had nightmares where people I love very dearly have died, and instead of living only a few moments in that horrible world, I'm living in it for what feels like hours, which is much less time than I would have to live in it if they actually died, but still far too long for me to wake up and be like "oh yippee it was just a dream !! :) i'm cured of all of my mental anguish!!!"; sometimes I would wake up and still think that I was living through the loss and it would take me ten minutes or so to suddenly snap back into reality and realize that it hadn't been real.
I've had dreams where I feel like I'm drowning -- surely, not 1:1 to the actual experience of drowning, but still far beyond what I would have imagined prior to having such vivid sensations related to it -- and no longer will I wake up for that first breath of water burning my entire throat canal, but instead when I start to feel the sensation of losing consciousness. In the case of drowning, it's only a few moments more prolonged, but still infinitely worse (to me, anyway) than how it would be before. Stuff like that, but spread across an honestly pretty striking array of different scenarios. I have to give it to my brain, when it and Lexapro are collaborating, the product is at the very least creative.
I may have mentioned it before in prior posts, so if you've read those before then you likely already know, but on October 8th of last year, I stopped taking Lexapro, not waiting for permission from my doctor to stop the medication or anything (I don't endorse that overall). I just needed it to stop, and immediately. After three weeks, the horrible brain zaps (which I experienced when first starting or stopping Lexapro in both instances of me being on it) stopped, but the nightmares didn't. They may have decreased slightly in frequency (they certainly have by now, but I can't remember how long it took to start decreasing), but they are still there even now. I can only remember maybe one or two good dreams happening in the time since I started taking Lexapro and only a small handful of neutral ones. There are some bad ones that are cool enough to 'justify' their existence and me remembering them, but they are still bad ones nonetheless.
It's fucking horrible, and the worst thing about it, to me, isn't even experiencing the things -- it's that they're just dreams. Shit that people don't really take seriously. Especially talking about it from the lens of it being traumatic. I know that most people probably understand conceptually that bad dreams can be really miserable, but the concept of nightmares basically ruining your life? I think a lot of people would just consider me to be weak if it has that kind of effect on me. The fear of judgment has had a further side effect of making me push myself to recover sooner than I actually can, which I think has led to a lot of burnout and strain because my brain is not in a position to keep up with my body. But I would have to do more introspection on that to know for sure, I think.
While primarily, this entire lead-up was just me seizing an opportunity to vent, I do think that it adds more context to the specific dream I had last night and why it is kind of important (even if it ends up being an outlier, rather than a sign of better times to come). It is kind of funny to talk about stuff that's so intrinsically personal, serious, and dark, and then to ultimately tie it into a ridiculous dream that I had, but, to me, it's all important, and it's my blog and my post so shut your whole mouth!!!!!
I don't really dream about creators that I watch. The closest I'll get is maybe dreaming about watching videos by the creators, but it takes a full backseat to whatever other horrific shit is happening in the dream. I think I've had a few 'spiritual' dreams about creators and possibly even Vinny before, but these are so intangible in my brain that I can't really tell whether I actually had them or not. The most I can sort of remember is possibly feeling the aura of Vinny next to me in some dream, or feeling like Vinny might be somewhere nearby, but not really seeing or interacting with him at all.
[Actually, I've just remembered that I had a nightmare about something that I can't really remember [[I wrote about it in my discord server so I could look at/read it if I really wanted to remember but this post is long enough without that detail]] and there was a point where, in a crowd of people, I saw someone for a literal half a second that I thought might possibly be Vinny, and he looked like he was approaching me, and I had the brief excitement of thinking I might get to talk to him and then the nightmare went back to nightmare mode (or i woke up), but even then I'm not entirely sure it was Vinny (anybody that even 2% resembles vinny i will probably have a brief moment of thinking "is that vinny??????????? :D" when i see them, because vinny is a disease that my brain has)]
Okay so finally, to talk about the fucking dream I had JESUS CHRIST
The first half of the dream is a bit scrambled, so I'm sure there's bits and pieces of context that I am now missing, but the first thing I remember relatively clearly is that there was this Cleverbot/Evie-adjacent AI chatbot sorta thing that was gaining traction or popularity in the internet zeitgeist. I dont know if modern AI exists in my Dream World or not, but this chatbot definitely had the vibe of a slightly more advanced Cleverbot rather than being a ChatGPT type of deal.
So, like with the Cleverbot days, a lot of streamers and YouTubers and stuff were streaming or making videos of themselves going on this chatbot platform and talking to it, such that it wouldn't have been super bizarre to hear that any given creator had used the platform at some point.
I don't know if this is normal for most people who remember their dreams, but a lot of my dreams will have very surreal storytelling methods that sometimes involve warping or shifting perspectives, such as switching from first person to third person or having a top-down view of things or seeing things in different artistic styles. In this case, I was shown several screens in a sorta sequential way (almost like watching a documentary, but without actually physically sitting down and watching one in my dream and instead my vision just is the documentary) which were leaked snippets of screenshots of the conversations Vinny would have with it.
The 'point' of the screenshots was to showcase an example of how the chatbot started getting really, really weird to all of its users unanimously. It would start doing things across the board that it would never do before that were weird and stalkerish in a romantic sort of way. Like the UI of the chatbot had even changed to be more cutesy where before it was more "old internet search engine"-core, and the bot itself would start, like, weirdly flirting with literally everyone, as though its personality was shifting and morphing?
So like, if we're assuming this was meant to be an actual documentary that was being presented to me in the Dream World, the angle of the documentary was "hey this chatbot is being REALLY WEIRD and here's examples of it being really weird to Vinny Vinesauce from world-renowned twitch channel Vinesauce" and this was what everyone was taking away from the documentary of course, but what I had taken notice of instead of any of that was some of the messages that Vinny had sent [assumably, outside of videos/just using it in his free time].
They alluded to him having depression or otherwise emotionally struggling a lot,, which sounds more intense than it actually came across, but I can't think of a more normal way to word it. It wasn't the feel of 'i'm having a crisis right now save me' but moreso casually mentioning depressive feelings in the way that I myself regularly would do when I was having bouts of numbness, and it was just very 'casual' nihilism that was somehow much more devastating to see than if he had straight-up just been like "I WANT TO FUCKING DIE ASUUHGHDFNFNN"
It seemed like nobody that was part of the documentary and nobody within Vinny's fanbase in general had noticed at all that he had sent messages about being emotionally empty or numb or whatever, and I felt a bit like I was going crazy cause like, how am I the only person noticing this at all...??? and I was very sad because I know what it is like to struggle with horrible mental health issues and feeling like you can't feel anything at all, and I think in my Tier List of every human ordered by "deserves to experience depression" Vinny would be in my Super Mega F-tier so it was quite awful having that knowledge that he is someone who experiences that.
One of the semi-frequent contenders in my long list of phobias/anxieties is, in broadest terms, the inability to help people. This particular feeling is most crushing when it comes to creators I like, most notably, Smosh's cast members and Vinny. I think it's most crushing in these cases because with people I know personally, I am able to offer, at the absolute least, my company as comfort. I could go outside right this instant and see Damien Haas walking down my sidewalk in North Carolina for some incomprehensible reason, and my presence being within 15 feet of him would have absolutely no impact on his existence whatsoever, even if seeing him 15 feet away from me would have a pretty sizable impact on mine.
If Angela Giarratana was having the worst day of her entire life right next to me, I would be able to offer nothing more to her than I am currently able to offer her from my seat across the country from her, because I am not even close to an acquaintance of hers.
I really hate this reality of caring this deeply about people I will likely never meet. I writhe and agonize over the fact that these are individuals who will make me laugh, make my entire day better, that will manage to slice through some of the worst thoughts I could ever have and make me feel better about the very person that I am, and I can give nothing to them, because one of the very core things that makes them so beautiful and wonderful -- their outreach to random people like me -- also makes it so most people that are helped by them are a mass conglomerate of entities that can never really be known to them, either, without exceptional luck.
Can I technically say that this emotion I feel is worse than the physical sensation of being murdered or electrocuted or drowning ...? Probably not. But it's a part of the list for a reason, and it really is the dreams that are based on this sort of thing that have the raw potential to bother me weeks and months after I woke up from them, even more so than the physical sensation of pain.
Now this interlude was sort of a very long-winded justification to explain the upset and horror that I felt within the dream, but...
This nightmare was, even for a short moment, a realization of that fear. That segment of it didn't actually last too long before the perspective shifted. Instead of being fed information documentary-style as a bodiless entity, I had the feeling of having a physical body and existing in a physical space once again, but my awareness of my actual body and being wasn't fully there...
I had the perception of watching a Vinny stream that was going on, where his webcam was on, but it was a fucking wild angle for any human to decide to do a stream at. He was side-profile but also like a low-angle shot. I was overall kind of bleary for a few moments like as though I'd just woken up. I think this is fairly common for when I'm 're-entering' my body in a dream. But I really was just thinking along the lines of, "well, I guess i'm watching a vinny stream rn.. why the fUCK is this the angle he chose" [except... a lot more emotionally mild than that. i really was NOT adequately confused by the choice of angle whatsoever]
I noticed pretty immediately that Vinny seemed kinda uhhhh... I guess 'sad' is the closest approximation you could get with a facial expression but I would say he pretty accurately matched the vibes of his words in the screenshots that were leaked or whatever
And arguably this was way worse, 'cause it's very different to see text of someone being like "yeah i am numb and i feel nothing lmaooo" and then actually seeing them in a physical state of upset, even if numbness is a bit less dramatic visually than other forms of distress. So my brain was basically like "yeah and you thought it was bad seeing it over text???? look at him being depressed right now!!!!!!!!!"
I found the sight incredibly upsetting and I was just kinda laying there staring for like twenty seconds or something until the thought became too upsetting and randomly, without thinking, I reached out and rested my hand on his
I don't know how to express how crazy of a thing this was to happen, because from my perspective I was genuinely watching a stream. I did not realize that he was in my physical proximity enough to be contacted or touched, I only reached out out of desperation and distress and it actually worked even though I was expecting my hand to hit glass or plastic or whatever it is computer screens are technically made out of. It was like a world shattering moment where everything you thought was true was a complete lie.
Let's not forget the fact I wasn't looking at a physical screen. I was genuinely, like, laying on his floor or something next to his chair while he was at his computer and i thought i was watching a stream and he just chose an incomprehensibly insane angle. no screen. no ui. can't even see the game he's playing. what the fuck would the stream be ?? just "pov youre on vinny's floor and he plays a game you can't see and says absolutely nothing and looks mildly perturbed"??? why would i have assumed that it was a stream???
But I digress.
I don't think I've had a single dream go 'right' since March 2025; I can't remember a single overall good one. Further than that, I don't think I've ever experienced me breaking the fabric of a nightmare and just sort of... rejecting the premise. I've had dreams that are extremely trippy and where I realize it's a dream and I play around with it, but I've never been able to just "un-improv" a nightmare before and just kinda say no to its entire goal. Sure, it wasn't an active attempt at defiance (again, it was an action I put absolutely no real thought into), but it was defiance.
When I put my hand on his, his face brightened and he just said "Oh! :)" in a pleasantly surprised sort of way, like he just realized I was there
which is both funnier and kind of scarier. how did i get there. why was i on his floor. admittedly, laying on the floor quietly next to someones chair and occasionally staring at them while they are doing computery things is not something i necessarily wouldn't do if I was close enough friends with them and felt safe enough around them and... you know... was welcomed in that space. but this is not "do this without the other person knowing youre there" kind of behavior for me. wh a t was i doing on his floor. how did i manage to get there without him noticing. my stealth is not that high. even if i DID attempt to enter his space without him knowing and to lay on the floor nearby him and even if somehow the weight of my body managed to produce no sound, i would probably go "EUGHGHG" when laying down, or something to that effect. if i was already laying down before i entered the room that means i would have had to caterpillar my way into the room or roll. WHAT is the logistics of this i cannot stop thinking about it
anyway after he said oh he put his other hand on top of mine and then looked back at his computer cause hes a streamer and streamers can't go 4 seconds without looking at a screen am i right guys
and then i closed my eyes and just kinda laid there for several minutes or so just with our hands doing the funny hand sandwich thing
i dont really do a lot of physical affection stuff or as comfort for people, but i do think about it semi often and want to... like i want to be the kind of person that really could just have that bravery if someone was sad or even just because. thankfully dream-me has a strange sort of confidence in doing things that i do not. it makes it feel more obtainable as a character trait
It was so calm and comfortable as to be kind of overwhelming, I was so relieved even just to be able to offer peace or company or solidarity or the slightest comfort that i was perfectly contented with everything about where i was. vinnys floor of course /silly
after a little while I cracked my eyes open (i felt like i was about to fall asleep thats how comfortable i was. thats an insane signal of being comfortable around someone else for me especially when im physically with them.) and i saw that he was smiling
and i think the raw blast of incomprehensible metaphysical joy i felt at seeing that i had helped him feel better enough to smile forced me awake because the next thing i remember is my eyes being open and i was in my bed and i was staring at my wall
and for the first time in... euhhh as long as i can remember, i woke up and laid curled up for maybe 45 minutes to an hour thinking happy thoughts and MAYBE i cried but you can't prove that
since it was only yesterday, i still have a lot to process about it i think, but right now at the moment i am typing this i think: i do not even care how odd or weird it makes me to say any of the words i said here. and i do not even care if this is the only good dream i have and if i will keep having nightmares and this was just a fluke of me breaking the system. i got to live in that world for at least two and a half minutes and that is perfectly good to me
well here is the art pieces i made after finally sitting up for the first time after staring at my wall yesterday
i still can't get over the comically long arm but that is lowkey how it was in the dream to (i have no idea how i managed to reach his hand and my arm not fall off)
they are horses it is hard to draw this dream in particular with them being horses
i still think i did an ok job
im sooooo tired now ive been working on all this for way too long
LAST:
Last Drink: choccy milk
Last Phone Call: my dad
Last Text Message: automated reminder for my therapist appointment lol
Last Song You Listened To: Pointer Sisters - I’m so excited
Last Time I Cried: uhhh dont remember probably like yesterday
HAVE YOU EVER:
Dated Someone Twice: nope
Been Cheated On: not that i know
Kissed Someone and Regretted It: i regret every boy i kissed they didnt deserve my beautiful lips!!!!
Lost Someone Special: yes
Been Depressed: i have been depressed for a long time now :-)
Been Drunk and Thrown Up: i have been drunk, but never thrown up from it
IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU:
Made a New Friend: yes!!!
Fallen Out of Love: no
Laughed Until You Cried: i tear up every time i laugh LOL
Met Someone Who Changed You: my therapist LOL
Found Out Who Your True Friends Were: wow this is such a high school question lmao!! but no. all my friends are true friends.
Found Out Someone Was Talking About You: not that i can remember but im sure people are
GENERAL:
How many people on tumblr do you know in real life? I’ve met up with one tumblr person but i mostly keep the two separate
Do you have any pets? three dogs and two rabbits!
Do you want to change your name? yes please god let me change my name!!!
What time did you wake up this morning? i slept through 5 alarms so 9:20AM
What were you doing last night? i reread a shitty manga
Name something you cannot wait for: realistically: disneyland. unrealistically: a gf who will love me
Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: lmao this dude from my high school senior class was named tom. now he always sends me vids of him and his gf vaping
What’s getting on your nerves rn? the fact that my hands don’t smell like soap
Blood type: O negative baby!
Nickname: Swagmeister 5000
Zodiac sign: gemini B)))
Pronouns: she/her
Favorite tv show: ATLA, Rupaul’s Drag Race, GoT, uhhh nothing else jumping to mind
College: uggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i still have to re apply dont remind me
Hair colour: blonde! im gonna dye it blonde-er soon tho!
Long or short: im gonna cut it like to my shoulders soon
Do you have a crush on someone: i dreamed i was dating Rihanna last night
What do you like about yourself: how fucking hot i am got dang! and my inability to give a fuck
FIRSTS:
First surgery: never had surgery
First piercing: no piercings
First best friend: my friend kazu, we’re still best friends and about to smoke some got dang kush!
First sport you joined: dancing, if that counts
First vacation: Belgium, but I was too young to remember
First pair of sneakers: my sister’s adidas shoes -- they lasted 6 years!
Eating: Uhhh im guessing my mothers milk??? lol???
Drinking: when i was a baby i dipped my pacifier in the champagne LOL we have a video of it
I’m about to: smoke some god dang weed!
Listening to: the rain!!!! its too fricking loud!!!!
Want kids: god no!!! literally no upsides to having children
Get married: and share my living space and my stuff???? in your dreams!
Career: that’s not really a thing here.
WHICH IS BETTER:
Lips or eyes: they are both different parts that i appreciate in a different way
Hugs or kisses: kisses please
Shorter or taller: TALLER PLEASE TALLER I LOVE TALL GIRLS
Older or younger: idk
Romantic or spontaneous: romantic!!! i only live for romance
Sensitive or loud: sensitive
Hook up or relationship: relationships
Troublemaker or hesitant: idk what this is even supposed to mean
HAVE YOU EVER:
Kissed a stranger: god no!!
Drank hard liquor: yea
Lost glasses/contacts: i dont wear glasses or contacts because im not a nerd!
Sex on first date: ive never been on a date! we don’t do the whole “dating” thing here. It’s just not a thing!
Broken someone’s heart: not that i can recall
Been arrested: lol no
Turned someone down: yes omg this story is WILD!!! it was my first year of high school and i was 12 i think or 11. this dude i was friends with was nice and all, and suddenly he confessed to me. i said sorry im not in love with you and he threw a bag of chips over my head!!!! i smelled like cheese and onion the entire day!!!!!
Fallen for a friend: yes? how can you fall for someone who is not your friend?
DO YOU BELIEVE:
In yourself: in certain aspects, yes. in others, nooooo
Miracles: yes absolutely
Love at first sight: yes!!!!!!!!
Heaven: all dogs go to heaven but that’s it.
Santa Claus: we don’t celebrate that here
