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12/12/17 New profile pic, whatchya think? This was my first night out looking, feeling, and being Calvin. Can you say glo up or what!?!
11/10/17
I just wanted to take a moment to really establish how proud of myself I am and to really reflect on how far I’ve come. I started this thought process, consciously, maybe 5 years ago, and I buried it for those next 5 years until now. Back then, I very briefly shared the idea that I might be trans with two friends, and my most recent ex knew as well. Through telling them back then though, I knew I wasn’t ready to accept it in myself, despite all three of those peoples supporting nature. They let it be, and so did I, and now we are here. Now every friend in my life who’s love and opinion of me matters, knows. Now, my closest brother - my favorite person on this planet - knows and supports me. And I am recognizing all this love and all this support. I look back at the very first post on this blog and can already see so much growth. I only started this blog back in September, before I even started therapy, and where I first stated I didn’t know where I fell, I now accept that I am a trans guy. I am so proud to look back at a timeline of my thought process, which is why I started this is the first place. We are now at almost mid-November and I am gearing up to tell my parents. I never could have imagined how much and how fast I’d grow by talking it out with a professional and being open and honest about how I feel. I can’t even believe I buried it so deep within myself for so many years, through all sorts of therapy I had growing up. It’s funny because though I’ve always been open and honest in therapy, I was never willing to share that piece of myself. I now wonder where I would be now if I had worked through these thoughts in high school, had I recognized them as something that was suppressing me becoming my most authentic self. I am so happy. A few months back, with not expressing myself in the correct gender, and being stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship, I would have never imagined reaching the amount of happiness and freedom I feel within myself. I feel so at peace and I feel so thankful for the path God paved for me to get here. I know there are so many great things to come and I couldn’t be more proud to stand where I stand. My heart is so full of love and support from the people who matter and I have the people who belong in my life standing right by my side. They are the ones who made it. They are the ones who bring truth and honesty to my life. They are the ones who want to push me to live out my most authentic self.. I am so so so proud of myself. I honestly never would have imagined I’d get to this point. I am happy, I am healthy, and I am at peace. What a beautiful journey this life has been, struggle and all, and I plan to enjoy every minute of what’s to come. No one can stop me now.
10/24/17
It’s 1:00 am so I have to call it this morning, but I haven’t slept yet, so tomorrow I’m meeting with my therapist. Last week she let me borrow a book called “Where’s My Book” written by a Seattle Dr, Linda Gromko. It’s a thick book, plastered cover to cover with information about the transgender mind and the struggles we face/will have to face. I decided to flip through it’s pages as soon as I got out of work and showered. In the time between then and now, I’ve covered over 100 pages and was awakened by a thought..a thought that was comforting to me. A thought I’ve always known to be true but never thought of its importance enough to state it:
“- I am so lucky to have gone through life so mindfully reflectvie that I can clearly see my own periods of growth, my process, and the ever-growing positive change in my character that makes me the best version of myself today, but still not the better version of myself tomorrow. -”
I am actively and knowingly living life as a journey. Knowing my struggles can, at times be an entire nusaince, but still believing they are necessary. Having the time, and the patience, to work through all of my life’s challenges, because I know I’ll come out stronger. You see, I’ve lived a life full of being first up to bat. Taking the challenge head on, not running in the other direction when I didn’t know what the outcome would be (unless it was math, because fuck math). But I’ve literally taken every challenge in my life, head on. No running, no backing out but instead, fearfully confident in knowing I can handle whatever lurks in the unknown. (okay also maybe not true for like the boogie man and other scary shit....but life things, in general)
Anyways, some people call this act, the act of heroism. Some people have called me a hero. But I never saw it that way, and maybe most heroes never do. Maybe all heroes are heroes for the very idea that we all see a timeline of ourselves that is more mindful, more humble, more educationally providing in regards to reflection than what everyone else sees in their reality. Maybe we just see the world different and really trust in the mirror we place in front of us because we are the ones holding it.
I believe I’ve always had the best intentions. Understanding, that a lot of times my acts of self care, protection, or growing may come off as selfish...I am as much of a survivor as I am the caretaker. And I am the epitome of wanting both of the complete opposite sides...but that is the perspective in me. That has always existed and will forever live on.
So flipping through this book, “connecting dots to other dots that were so out in left field that I didn’t even know were dots”, makes me take some serious comfort in the fact that I’ve been so profoundly in tune with myself, despite what is seems to only be dealing with gender identity with disregard to the years of therapy I’ve encountered since I was 12.
And I’ve been able to step back and look at my growth and break apart all the times I was really piecing together my life...each time I grabbed an idea and carefully sat to disassemble and resemble my emotions, my mind....why I tick the way I tick. Some people, like my brother, liked to take apart household things to see how they worked because it was interesting....That was me, but with myself, sifting carefully through my pieces until I understood why each piece of me worked the way they did. Like the people who saw my brother as reckless, careless, and a destroyer of perfectly decent things that weren’t broken to begin with, I was also this person, who from the outside, probably looked like an attention seeker...someone who caused problems that weren’t there.
The problem was that there wasn’t a problem at all. The problem was that not enough people will ever reach the degree of mindfulness and self reflection at adulthood, that I had even achieved at the young age of 12. I wanted to know why I was so sad, but why I was also so happy. Why was I able to understand so much pain, but beautify it through words and art and expression? I’ve always been a double edged sword, and my whole life is the physical biography of how it’s made, how it continues to grow, and how it will grow to be.
I am becoming who I’ve always meant to be. Regardless if I never fully explored it with my words in therapy, or to family and friends, until now, it was still there in smaller social cues....in the deep suppressed feelings and thoughts in my mind...some I wasn’t even aware of to red flag or take apart, if you will, to study them more carefully. I now have role models, and education, and years of loving myself to still find there is something big in me thats missing. Coming to terms with my being transgender happened at just the right time, just as it was supposed to.
This life is a process. The learning we do, is a process. And it’s all about the ride, my loves. That is the secret. Because no one’s life is perfect. Good shit and bad shit will happen to all of us and all of us at completely different time frames. If we just trust in the process that this life is our own to live, this life is the sum of all our experiences, and the outcome is based solely upon your mindset and willingness to educate yourself to be better, then DAMN, our world would be a whole of a hell lot happier. I’m in this for the ride, and I know it’s taken a lot of years to understand that. Because it doesn’t matter how we get to where we are if we can’t be proud in how we got there. And I am SO PROUD to be where I’m at. I am SO PROUD of how I’ve learned. And I am so God Damn proud of the woman it took me to become the man I was supposed to be. How fucking beautiful is Transgender now? I’d say it’s pretty fucking magical, a spiritual thing... I think it locks into these fiercely passionate people, hearts of gold....hearts of purity...hearts of whoever the fuck they feel they are, and whoever the fuck they know they should be. I’ve never been happier to be alive.
So this is pictures when my fiance helped me with top surgery on June 11 at 7:00 am it was the most annoying and discomforting feeling i ever felt but its been 2 weeks and have some to little pain so im glad it's almost over😀
#ftm #ftmtransgender #femaletomale #malepronouns #voiceupdate #9monthsont
Perusing my grandmother’s passport she got in 1926 before traveling to Europe. I am proud that loving to travel and have adventures is in my blood. Plus, being a female having a passport when it still was dominated with male pronouns is really badass. • • • #geneology #artifacts #grandma #worldtraveler #badassfemaleheritage #malepronouns (at Oregon)
Mason is my chosen name. Thanks to everyone for helping me out with this!! #namechange #malepronouns #pronouns #he/him #plaggpersona Instagram: plaggnoirknight
Please DM me if you have any suggestions on male names that would suit someone like me. Thank you! #malepronouns #malepronounsplease #ooc
