My hair loss is probably not significant levels to anyone but me but I still can't stand the sight of myself in the mirror without one of my caps on
Shaving my head feels easier to handle because it feels like an intentional choice and the level of hair loss is harder to spot
But when it's growing out it's so fucking obvious to me
And I truly didn't realise how much my identity and self expression was tied up in my hair. I changed it whenever I changed or when I needed to feel a certain way
Like a nice thing I could always say about myself is I had nice hair. It was something I always liked about myself and I was not prepared for how devastating it would feel to lose it when I started this treatment for my arthritis
I knew it would happen and when I brought it up people tried to assure me by saying it's better then my illness progressing and that's true so I would wave them off and say I knew and that it would be fine
My illnesses have taken so much from me
It's taken hobbies and arts
It's taken freedom and connection and brought isolation
It's taken away foods I love
It's taken my sex drive and confidence
And now it's taking my hair and I am breaking in so many pieces because of it
The saving grace is the caps I bought to hide my hair actually really suit me and reminded me that I love hats
I'll eventually be ok but I'm tired of having to mourn myself in pieces while I'm still alive