I recently started EMDR, and I'd like to talk about my experience with it a bit for anyone who may be curious. I will avoid graphic descriptions of anything potentially triggering, but I do briefly mention abuse, self harm, suicidal thoughts, and my diagnoses. I will also be referring to my therapist as "M" from here on out for the sake of ease and privacy.
(If you already know what EMDR is and how it works, feel free to skip to the next paragraph.) EMDR is a type of therapy that aims to help people heal from distressing memories/events from their lives, and is a widely recognized treatment for trauma. It works by having the client focus on certain things in their mind while they have what's called "bilateral stimulation." Most often, this takes the form of following the therapist's hand or a pointer back and forth with their eyes, but it can also involve things like alternately tapping each leg or holding a buzzer in each hand that alternate gently vibrating one at a time. For reasons that are believed to be loosely connected the mechanisms involved in REM sleep, this aids the brain in processing through and healing from difficult memories.
Now, I'd like to preface this by saying that my experience is by no means the pinnacle of what EMDR is like, nor is the way my therapist goes about it the only or even the best way - it's simply how I've experienced this and what we've found works for me. That said, I highly recommend looking into EMDR if you are someone with trauma or anything in your past that causes you pain. When I started EMDR, I had been with my therapist for over a year at that point and done quite a bit of work already. What's needed will differ for everyone, but I needed help exiting survival mode and laying the groundwork of coping skills, knowledge about my own inner workings, and learning to place trust in a clinical professional again. At first, my therapist went over her process for EMDR, answered my questions, and made sure that she felt I was ready to try it. EMDR can be very taxing due to its nature of asking people to relive their worst memories, but the end result is a dramatic decrease in the distress that those memories cause someone.
We started with the "least awful" memories for me. Things that I still found upsetting and even traumatic, but the ones that caused me the least amount of distress to think about at that time. I'm going to use a fake example memory to describe the process - let's say that I processed the memory of losing my spoon while on lunch at work. First, M asked me to give her a "snapshot" of the memory/the worst part of the memory. If I were to summarize it with a picture, what would it look like? For our example, let's say that an image of me bent over and digging through my backpack for the spoon on the floor of the break room is our snapshot. She then asked me to hold that picture in my mind and rate my distress level about that memory (how much pain it causes me to think about in the present day) from a scale of one (1) to ten (10). After that, she asked me to come up with a "safety device" that, if the memory were to become overwhelming, I could use to protect myself and feel less distressed. There's no wrong answers to this question, but for this example we'll say that the safety device is a magic spoon that will appear out of nowhere so that I have one.
Then, M gave me a list of possible negative cognitions (thoughts/beliefs), and told me to tell her which one (or a different one if not on the list) the event made me feel about myself, what emotions that and the event caused, and where in my body I felt those emotions. For this example, the negative cognition will be "I am stupid [for losing my spoon]," and the emotions are anxiety and self-hatred felt in my chest. After that, I was asked to choose a positive cognition (either from a list or a different one) that I would like to believe instead. For this, it'll be "I am not at fault [for losing my spoon]." I was then asked to rate how true that positive cognition felt on a scale from one (1) to ten (10). Finally, I was asked to hold in my mind the snapshot and negative cognition along with the emotions that I felt in my chest, and she began doing a set of eye movements. I would follow a small metal stick/pointer back and forth for anywhere from fifteen (15) seconds to around two (2) minutes. During this, I would let my brain sort of go where it wanted to while focusing on the memory. For me, I am often suddenly able to remember more details about what happened, how I felt about it/what I was thinking at the time, and why exactly I may have felt the way that I did.
After that set of eye movements, M asked me to tell her where my brain went. I'd explain and she'd listen and offer input or help explaining/analyzing if I wanted it. For the example, we'll say that I recalled how earlier in the day, I'd specifically thought to myself to be careful not to lose the spoon, and that I was upset with myself for doing it anyway. After this, M would pick something that came up to focus on for the next set of eye movements to see where my brain went. So she would ask me to think about how I was mad at myself for losing the spoon anyway, and to follow that train of thought. Then, she would have me for another set of eye movements back and forth. This pattern would continue a few times while I worked through the memory and its associated thoughts and feelings, and she would guide me through it. If at any point it became too distressing, all I needed to do was hold up a hand and we would stop immediately and, depending on the circumstances, she would remind me of my safety device and help me calm down. If I was having trouble focusing or my brain was going in odd directions, she'd help me tune into something and work with that. In an example like the spoon, I likely would've come to the realization (either with her help or during eye movement) that I felt so awful about it because I subconsciously believed that losing the spoon was a personal failure on my part and diminished my worth as a person.
After a few repetitions of the eye movement pattern, I would usually eventually sort of run out of relevant things that my brain was coming up with. At this point, M would ask me my distress level again, and then ask how true the positive cognition felt and if it had changed at all since we started. If the number was still very low (meaning that the positive belief did not feel very true), she'd ask if I knew why that was and if there was perhaps something preventing it from being true. She'd then have me do another set of eye movements while focusing on that question and my answer if I was able to give one. I would also be asked to picture the snapshot in my mind again while thinking the positive cognition, and potentially saying it out loud. And so the cycle repeats again - the idea is to slowly change the association your brain has with the memory and make it into something less upsetting. That way, when I think about this memory in the future, my brain no longer goes to "I am stupid," but rather "I am not at fault." This process would also likely be done again or in conjunction with asking about my distress level.
When we've gotten the distress level as low as we can and my belief in the positive cognition as high as we can, that's typically the end of the bulk of the session. The numbers for those might not be perfect, though, and that's okay. The goal is just to get them as close as possible, and then through other work and more EMDR addressing related things, the numbers will naturally get better. At the end, we'll wrap up a bit, she'll ask if I have any notes, questions, or concerns, and she'll remind me of any coping skills I may need until I see her again. If for whatever reason we weren't able to fully complete the memory in the session, she'll guide me through a quick exercise where I visualize putting the memory and its associated emotions and thoughts into a secure box and tucking it away to access next time. This helps prevent me from becoming overwhelmed by the memory over the next week.
Still, even if the session was a complete success, I will still feel very tired and drained afterwards - or even upset. EMDR is hard, and it is absolutely a lot of work. After a session, it's important to be lenient with yourself and to practice self-care. I do my sessions at the end of my day so I don't have to worry about any obligations, and I usually just go home and curl up with some tea and a comfort show or something similar. Over the next week, I may have more things pop up in relation to the memory, which I'll send M a quick email about. I may also find myself having less energy even for a few days after the session, which is normal.
All of that said, I've found EMDR to be 100% completely worth it. For the memories we've tackled, it's made them exponentially less upsetting and, in a few cases, even empowering. I can now think and talk about those things without making myself super upset or feeling triggered, and they don't bring up a sea of negative emotions anymore. For most of them, they just...exist. For a few, I'll feel slight twinges of sadness, but they're more akin to how you might feel thinking about a sad book - nowhere near how they used to make me feel. EMDR might sound like it's a bit weird or even like it's just pseudoscience, but there've been a huge number of studies on the therapy that have all found it to be incredibly effective for most people. Obviously it's like anything else and won't be for everyone, and that's okay. If you're interested in EMDR, it's important to both do your research on your therapist and to listen to your gut/not disregard any red flags. But, done properly by the right person, it has the potential to change your life and greatly increase your quality of life. It already has for me, and I've only been doing it for 2-3 months; I do have extensive trauma and a dissociative disorder, though, so for some people that timeline may be much shorter.
If anyone has any questions at all, please feel free to send asks. I would love to answer questions and/or talk more about this if anyone is interested or is curious about anything else. If you stuck with me this far, thank you for reading, and I hope this was helpful!
