Adventures in the ancient city of D’ni
So on my third day playing Uru live, i try to log on and I can’t. Server maintenance. With all that’s going on just now, I really was looking forward to being distracted by solving things; even if that meant running around in frustrating flag marked paths in a bleak desert of sand for half the day, only to say I had done it.
So I tried looking to see if others were having this issue and how long it was expected to last; maybe even if there would be cool updates, with Obduction coming out soon and everything. I found nothing on that, despite my skills at tricking google searches into giving me what I want... what I did find was this:
Starting on page 88. By Celia Pearce and Artemesia, Communities of play: Emergent cultures in multiplayer games and virtual worlds.
Maybe it wasn’t the best thing to read just now, because I ended up crying a lot. As I’m starting to see is normal after getting upsetting news, crying at everything for a month or so, but anyway. It details the very real struggle the community went through after the first time the Uru online servers went down. A community I was not part of only because of the difference of time (when I got to the Myst games the first time and wanted to join, it seemed they were still offline and I have assumed consistently since that it would not come back up).
I felt like a child of a people -as I am in a lot of ways to my IRL culture- with a legacy and history behind me to learn and appreciate. It was like opening up a little history book for the first time, only a lot more personal. I was waiting in limbo to be born to this community until three days ago, and already it has provided me comfort and support, as I go through my own struggles.
It took me just mentioning in a field to another player that I could not complete the course because I had no friend to help me (can’t be in two places at once) for him to call in an entire group of people to help me (not with one, but both). Strangers poured in to help a new member, without knowing anything about me, and asking nothing in return. The real world I’m a part of only rarely shows such a kind face.
I’ve never been part of a community like that. Where one person can stand and call for help and everyone will rush to a stranger to help them.
I’ve never been part of a mmorpg community either, not being a gamer, and -with everything I have heard from other sites- I was terrified other people would make it unpleasant to be there, but I wanted to see the new content, and I needed a distraction. Instead, I find myself running around WITH other people, often just intuitively knowing what I’m supposed to do (and often also asking for confirmation or direction because I haven’t fully unlocked everything just yet and honestly, I was literally born yesterday).
Then I read about everything this community has gone through. It was sad enough for me longing to join the world and not being able to, but for them, it was their home falling apart and them fighting to stay together as digital refugees in other nations. It sounds ridiculous, but the way this community is, it is a LOT more than just a game; Its a virtual environment full of connections to real people where you can see their “face” and run with them.
It has me wondering how long the servers will be running this time, it’s been years now, so it’s a sure thing, right? I hope. With Obduction coming out, they will have money, surely? We’ve been revived, haven’t we? Is it safe now, or will I join this community only to watch it fall apart like it has before?
Maybe they will update the graphics with the whole unreal-egine/Obduction they have going and there will be an online component of the new game where we can further add to our existing Realto. Or maybe they’ll just move on and we’ll lose everything again. I haven’t found information yet on what the plan is, and Obduction was supposed to be out a month a go, but it seems to have been delayed (possibly due to the personal struggles of the developers).
It’s been three days and the answer to those questions are already important to me. Of course I might be being a bit over emotional (in fact I VERY likely am, all things considered), but still. Tell me this server maintenance is either brief and a matter of course, or means wonderful new things for everyone.
Thank you all for making me feel so welcome, and like the “community” is actually something to be a part of, an actual community.
My existence in this whole “me/not me” scenario, and this history, has had me realize a few things about myself.
If I did not need to fear injury or illness, I would be the most inquisitive and exploration driven person possible. If I was not sensitive to the sun, and to temperature, and noise, and my own blood sugar and other internal factors, I would walk the city where I live until I knew it like the back of my hand. I would walk to the surrounding cities, and do the same. I would travel, and do the same. I’m too ill and too fragile -apparently- to do a lot of things I would enjoy doing, and when I actually get to explore a new place, it’s always too exhausting for me. It’s always with other people of course, and as much as social situations stress me out, being in a group also helps isolate me from the vulnerability of being alone, but that is the only way I can explore, and I do fear injury, especially heights, and falling. But in the game... Money is no matter, neither is death, or griefing from players or “baddies”... I can just explore, look in every cranny and know a place, know its inner workings, pick its mechanisms apart with logic until I understand its function. And then I can know the people, people who share my experience, who have been down the same paths, who are there to help.
And that bring me to the second thing I’ve realized. I lack a sense of community in real life. My closest friends are at a distance. My family is estranged or dislikes me. The few people who live close to me -that’s very few- often lack time, resources, interest or personal availability to be supportive, or even social. Complicating that, I have social anxiety, am agoraphobic for real health concerns (like being caught by myself in public and suddenly blind, deaf and in pain, which can happen as easily as walking past a smoker on some days), a sun allergy and food sensitivities most people don’t want to work around or deal with, justified germaphobia with an autoimmune disorder, and some very serious -very ingrained- very encompassing trust issues, that have been nailed into me by repeated bad experiences with people. I am -physically- disabled, so I don’t have school or work to go to, even if I would like to, so I don’t even really have a FORUM to build a community. And that’s something I need... in real life. At least I have connections online, and I can -in ways- see their faces. And I’m sure this game helps people with that, and is there for distraction and emotional support, along with a few close friends, like it is for a lot of the game members... But I still need face time -in person- with people who I know I can go to for help and support -even with physical things- and for whom I can provide the same... and that’s really something I lack and have a very hard time working on. I suppose I could try to join support groups, get counseling, volunteer etc... But my health gets in the way of that. I’m not fit to volunteer , I don’t have money to join groups and I’m not sure making myself associate with strangers in large groups IRL is really a good solution... Plus if I join support groups it might throw my mental health into question as far as medical issues are concerned, and then my doctors will take me even less seriously and I REALLY can’t afford that. Doctors brushing me off as “just” “depressed” or “just anxious” or “just weird” Is literally KILLING me, has almost let me die before, and has been making my life hell for years with things I could have been diagnosed with sooner and treated for. And what would I go to support groups for anyway... general health suckage and social anxiety?
I love challenging puzzles, but hate tedium... but I already know that.
Myst online, with it’s Realto is actually on the verge of creating the kind of online playground I have always wanted in the place of something like “facebook”, I hunger for a better avatar creator, given, but the one it has is nice and the focus of that game has never been appearances or “winning at the social game” the one thing in real life that tends to most confuse me.
(Like I keep entering into discussions thinking to goal is to understand each other’s point of view, only to find the other person’s goal is to “win” or socially dominate me... and it’s not about me, or our ideas at all, it’s about being “better” or “more” and everyone is just an insecure mess, really, and I get that, but it always seems like they think I’m an easy target to take that out on... It’s my face, I look cute-ish and young, the scar has screwed up my perfect facial symmetry and made my eyes look less even. Even my mother says I have this look about me like “I’m not all there” and that really is how people treat me, and being a bit neurotic and having serious health issues on top of it doesn’t help... so I hardly ever get to have an interaction with someone that’s just about knowing each other, especially in person, socializing in public places or groups doesn’t really work for me, and I’m left craving that substantial connection even from my partners, because they seem to have something to prove even when we’re alone together. More than that otherwise it seems most people think I’m attractive enough, so it seems like I look like and easy target to people, for various kinds of aggression, and that makes me really nervous. At best other women are often really aggressive towards me for reasons I can’t figure out at the time... at worst someone tries to corner me in an alley.)
In real life, if some random man talks to me: What does he want, why is he talking to me, please don’t get close, is it safe?
In other games: Same, and will they grief me or harass me otherwise?
In Uru: Well he’s here to help with the puzzle or invite me to something of course.
But anyway... I’m hoping my introduction to this community keeps being a pleasant and rewarding one, that will help me get through the things I’m dealing with... But now I can’t log on and I don’t know why... Give the article a read though, if you have the chance.