#myabuser

[asraspeaks-blog]

While I wish I didn't suffer the trauma I did, I am also aware of how it has shaped my life. I am different. I will never be the girl I used to be and I can't change that. What I can do is use my trauma to evolve into a stronger, more independant person. I think I've been rather successful.

[asraspeaks-blog]

Spring is here and I've already planted tulips and hyacinths in a portion of my garden.

I used to think getting flowers from a spouse was the ultimate gesture of love. In 15 years the Ex only gave me flowers once and his mother list her mind.

I stayed away from cut flowers for years afterwards. Post-divorce with my renewed freedom, I buy myself flowers all the time. I also love to plant all the colors.

[asraspeaks-blog]

Useful list.

[asraspeaks-blog]

Cleaning out the 'ol IG

For the most part I've erased most pics of the Ex. I decided to scroll through my IG account to see if I had missed any. I have over 2000 pics in my personal account, but nevertheless, I found five more pictures. I took all these pics. Four of the photos were just him looking miserable with my sons. His mother was in two of the pics looking miserable with him and my sons. I had no issues deleting these pics. Gone.

But one of the pics was different. I took this photo at a family vacation to Disney World. Like all vacations with him, it was miserable. But this one picture was strange. He's standing with my sons and Spiderman. He was actually smiling while looking at my very excited younger son (a little boy meeting this hero). It's a cute and fun pic.

I thought about keeping it as a memento of their father as a normal person (even if it was brief and sandwiched between abuse). For just that moment he looked like a normal man enjoying time with our sons.

I deleted the picture. I was the parent that documented nearly every family moment. He didn't care. It meant nothing to him. I am no longer responsible for any of his emotional labor. If he wanted to have memories of his time with our sons, then he should've taken the pictures. Or he should have appreciated all I did. He didn't care and in the end I stopped caring too.

Not an emotional pang was felt.

[asraspeaks-blog]

He said all of these this things to me. He is garbage.

[asraspeaks-blog]

Progress

Not too many details today, but suffice it to say I'm moving forward with protecting myself and my children.

It's clear the Ex will not stop so I have to stop him. My lawyer is on board and I am in full research mode. Denaturalization is a possibility and I am going to use this information to help other women in my situation.

[asraspeaks-blog]

Ramadan post divorce

The death of my Nani has put Ramadan in a different perspective. I'm more aware than ever of how limited our time on this earth is and how we should spend it doing good. I would count myself lucky if I got to live as long as she did.

This is the first weekend of Ramadan and my boys will be with the Ex. A friend from my divorced ladies group is coming on Saturday and she's probably going to spend the night. That's all good, but I'm having anxiety issues again. I have plenty of things to do this weekend, but I still feel this deep loneliness.

Ramadan with the Ex was annoying at best. While he didn't scream as much as usual (perhaps he felt Allah's presence strongly). My work was tripled. He never helped with anything except make his disgusting fruit chaat which only he ate. He would make a massive bucket of it and keep eating it well past when it was ok to eat.

I'm happy to be done with him, but I miss the security of family. Family with him was garbage, but sometimes I think something was better than nothing.

That's my depression talking. I will get through this.

[asraspeaks-blog]

Wedding feels

An acquaintance of mine is getting married over Thanksgiving. She was married to the Ex's best friend. Much like the Ex, her Ex was a ghoul. Mean and nasty. While he didn't cheat on her, he loved to tell how disgusting she was and break her things.

She had the good sense to get out after 18 months or so. She took her time and started dating a non-Muslim guy. Last I spoke to her (pre my divorce), she was working on trying to to get the guy to convert. I'm not sure if he ever did or if she decided she was going to forgo Islam for relationship happiness.

Either way...she's getting married. I'm not going to lie, I felt like shit. I know she doesn't have kids and so in some ways it's easier to date and move on, but I still feel like crap.

15 years of prime dating and fun time was wasted on a pile shit. I'm now on a dating app and feeling crummy about that too. The guys are definitely better and much nicer, but I'm not sure I'm ready to date. They're all non-Muslim.

On other Muslim matrimonial sites, women complain about the quality of men available. Most of these guys are looking for green cards and prey on desperate families. I have too much at stake to play that game. Guys my age want 20 year old virgins. It's gross. Many of these losers guys have been married before and have kids, but refuse to acknowledge a woman their age with children.

Non-Muslim guys don't seem to have those hangups.

It's a horrible, conflicted space.