#nb problems

[nymph1e]

Being genderfluid so I get dressed as a girl and I get in my car and suddenly Not A Girl. But it's toooo lateeee

[alias-inkpatch]

[jimkirkachu]

Hey Jim, I'm really proud of you for coming out to your family & I'm sorry they're not making the effort to help you understand yourself. I know how difficult it is to settle into your identity is when you have to figure it out yourself & having people repeatedly misgender you makes it even harder. I also hope you don't take the negative AO3 comment to heart & just delete it. I'm sure if you read the rest of your inbox, you'll be pleasantly surprised!

Oh my friend 🫂💔😭💙💛 thank you so much for your encouragement. You're so kind and good to me and I don't deserve it but I love you so much 🫂💜😭😭😭

(gender stuff, fandom-related insecurity/paranoia/self-pity ahead)

People have told me before that it's okay for me to vent here because nobody is being forced to read this crap or follow me, but I still feel like a douche canoe any time I complain here about anything that has to do with my "real life," because I'm so incredibly fortunate and privileged. At least outwardly, my (closest) family has accepted my nb-ness / questioning and I'm overwhelmingly grateful for that. I haven't been disowned, or kicked out of the house, or laughed at... like I said, enormous unearned privilege/good fortune. And ironically, having a few people "in the know" who are still talking to/about me the way they did for 31 years, while frustrating, has genuinely been helping me better understand that I definitely don't identify with my birth-assigned gender or its pronouns anymore, if I ever really did at all. 🤔 It seems to be a matter now of "how long can I continue to pretend the misgendering doesn't bother me when it's coming from my parents," because, lest we forget, I'm still intensely nonconfrontational, afraid of being an inconvenience or a burden to others, terrified of taking up space or standing up for myself, and thoroughly convinced of my own utter worthlessness. 😬

As for the ao3 comment that I have no doubt blown way out of proportion 🤦😣 I'm... I don't know. It has finally taken a backseat in my mind to other concerns, so that's an improvement. But it's going to take a long time to dust myself off from all of this; the comment in question was really just the straw that broke my back after spending the last 2 years having an extremely prolonged existential crisis in regards to my "place" (or lack thereof) in the fandom. I've been feeling really bad/lousy/insecure about my work and my ability to "fit in" or contribute (without also annoying people to death) ever since an incident in the 2020 big bang discord server got under my skin and has just kept on burrowing into my mind and soul like a poisoned splinter ever since.

I don't write fics that are appropriate / desirable / worthy of inclusion in zines or rec lists or what-have-you. I don't know anything about any of the new Trek series or characters or timelines or whatever the hell else because I went and got my ptsd triggered while watching season 1 of Discovery and had to promise myself not to watch anything else produced by the current franchise-runners in the interest of self-preservation. And original series K/S is my only ship, my only fandom interest, the only [hyper-]fixation I've had for at least 6 years now. The harsh fact that I'm simply out of touch and irrelevant has been making me question why I'm even still trying to maintain any kind of online presence at all... and yet my fics and my online friends here have been essentially the only things that have motivated me to keep Living in the last 4+ years. 🤔 So... I'm a mess all over, and not just because of that comment (it clearly didn't help matters any, though). 🤦🤷 (And yet and yet... being a mess is my Thing, like, it's the one thing I'm consistently good at. So although it sucks, I'm also accustomed to it, in a lot of ways. 🙁😬👍)

Thank you, as always, dear, for being my friend and saying such sweet, generous things. I love you (and everybody who has put up with the pain of knowing/interacting with me 💜), and given the especially difficult past few months (both personally and in regards to the state of the US and the world), I'm just really, really grateful to know I'm not alone. 💜🫂💜🫂 Take care, you. 🖖🫂💛💙

[iwantchurchthecat]

I chop you down, hack at you with scissors like I greet the most evil character in a story. What power could a cluster of dead cells possibly hold over me, I think. Until I look in the mirror and see a stranger staring back. You keep growing, month after month after month, relentlessly like you are obsessed with caressing my neck. Others envy the liking you have taken to my collarbone and praise the fast paced journey you take to get there every month. But I know. Oh I know how cunning you are. I know how you plan to coil around my neck like an alive rope choking me tighter and tighter with every passing day and with every growing inch. I chop at you and you keep growing back, till the nape of my neck itches till it bleeds. But it's the ghost of an itch, and I really can't place it. My mom taught me to make beautiful braids out of the same rope that clutched my windpipe preventing me from breathing. I thank you mother, to have taught me to create something so beautiful out of something so horrible. But no mom, it doesn't help and it isn't me who you see in those pretty braids. No mom, you have ceased to know me from the moment you molded me out of your expectations and immaturity. No mom, I'm not going to hell for choosing to do what makes me happy. I choose to exist as I am, as I have been, and as I will be. I choose to breathe free. And I will not let anyone choke me dead for that matter.

[shark-b0i]

AFAB Problem #2

wearing a hoodie when it’s 100 degrees outside and slowly dying

[chaotic-stressy-depressy]

I'm perfectly fine with having boobs or like being short or even putting my hair in cutesy little ponytail with fucking butterfly clips

Until I remember that it makes people perceive me as a girl. Then it's like... ew. No. Ew. It literally makes my skin crawl. The way people see me. Nothing else

[ktaps]

Nothing quite reaffirms your gender identity like having your super-extra-conservative relatives visiting

[friendlyneighbourhoodpapergay]

Idk who needs to hear this but

"Ladies, Gentlemen and pEoPle wHo jUst dOnT cAre 🤪🤭🤩" (or variations of it)

is not the inclusive statement you think it is.

It's just demeaning and infantilizing.