I haven't yet been able to write anything down on how the day has gone with my maternal grandfather. I think I have time now, though. So let's finally discuss it. In a word: disorganized. That's the word of my choosing. There's been some structure, but just enough. We ate an hour or two later in the evening than usual. I just got home from that. Now they're saying they're gonna sleep upstairs tonight. And like: that might be okay? It'll keep them out of ny my hair downstairs, at least. But I know that they sometimes snore, and I don't want them keeping me up.
My dad says I'm a pretty heavy sleeper (and I think he's right), so I should be fine. But I still can't help worrying about all the possible ways things can go wrong. I'm trying to stay more positive, but it's a frequent struggle. So, you know, that's causing me no small amount of grief. Still, I'm gonna try to get through it all. And at least my dad's here to support me. And at least (if i need a bonus third thing to bring me positivity) I can always ask people on here for words of support.
In fact, I think I'll do that. Wish me luck, please. I should be fine, but it never hurts to beg for kind words when you're in a pessimistic state. Now I just need to tag all of my mutuals:
Now for some of the people I don't follow/I follow but they don't follow me back/any number of other possible explanations: @onewordaway @emperorcandy @tremendousdreamtragedy @aromanticfever @riordanverseaddict @royaltystudios @hawkflor @daresplaining @sandy-castle @conundrumrespeculis @babsvibes @the-fyre-flie @gelpenss @bobs-biscuits-emporium @opossumpal @somedamslytherindemigod2 @delicatebatharmony @paljordan
Vision problems are getting worse, probably related to whatever nerve damage I'm probably getting from having an unstable spine that regularly subluxates and sciatica. Either that or it's also related to my migraines. I dunno lol, and my mom isn't scheduling my doctor appointment at all (she's been putting it off for over 6 months) so I won't be finding out either :))
Fun things I've been experiencing way more often include:
- the sensation that my eyes are moving side to side while I see flashing lights, only about 2-3 times a day but it depends
- doubled and blurred vision, not all the time but usually for about 1-2 hours a day
- 'blind spots' in one eye that also feel weird and fuzzy
- dizziness, if I'm walking or standing for longer than 5 minutes assume that I am dizzy and that the room is spinning
Not vision related but my pain has also been getting a lot worse. I desperately need a wheelchair and I'm scared I won't graduate cause I was only able to attend school 1 day this week. My school refuses to offer me accommodations even though students who are quarantined have full access to online classes for some reason I don't. I'm at school an average of 2 days a week and still am expected to turn stuff in at the same time as other students even though on days I'm not at school I'm bed bound and in a lot of pain :))
oh yeah, LOVE how my entire arms start burning in the middle of like. washing my hands or brushing my hair or something. LOVE feeling like it's mile-run day in middle school after i go down a flight of stairs. LOVE how exhausting walking is even with my cane. LOVE being told 'if you would just exercise a fee times a week'. LOVE THAT.
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
I finally got back to my writing!
I Have Many Skills Chapter 8: Just Trying to Relax
Kara was in a bar and for once instead of just sipping on a soda while her friends and sister drank she joined them and got a vodka soda with lime.
She wasn’t supposed to drink on her medications so she normally was well behaved and had the bartender make her something that looked like it could have alcohol in it to make any outsiders assume she was actually drinking instead of having to deal with people asking why she didn’t drink.
Everyone always seemed to think it was their problem that she was sober when she went out with her friends and would only leave her alone if she told them she had been paralyzed and didn’t feel particularly inclined to lose the use of her limbs again. That however, not only had the effect of making the person stop insisting she drink, but scared people off and put a bit of a damper on the conversation.
But tonight was different. Tonight, she was drinking. Tonight, she was going to forget all the stress from the past week at work and just relax with her friends.
Lena leaned into her side laughing at something Winn had said and Kara was drawn back into the conversation playing out.
“You mean to tell me you hacked into the fire department’s computer system at the age of 9 just to get a girl’s phone number to see how to beat a level of a video game instead of asking her out???”
“I mean I was nine! All i cared about was the game! I never thought dating her was an option!”
“But you did have a crush on her didn’t you!” Alex jabbed.
Winn blushed at that “Well, I mean yeah probably! But you haven’t played Winnie the Pooh’s Home Run Baseball Derby if you don’t understand how imperative it was that I beat Christopher Robin! And this girl HAD!”
Everyone had to laugh at that.
“Only you would be obsessed with a Winnie the Pooh video game Bro” James shook his head.
“Look, it’s not important that it was Winnie the Pooh. What was important is that only a very select few had the hand eye coordination required to beat the final level! Even adults couldn’t do it!” He dug the phone out of his pocket to search for a Youtube video. “Watch this and you will see what I mean!”
Kara took a large sip of her drink while everyone was watching the video, but apparently not everyone had been looking away.
“Kara, are you okay? I noticed you had the bartender pour you a double today.” Lena gently commented. Softly enough that the others wouldn’t turn and join in.
Slightly caught off guard, Kara adjusted her glasses and took a breath before replying “Nothing really. Just work stuff, you know…” Lena raised an eyebrow at that as if she didn’t fully believe that Kara was telling her everything.
“I don’t know,” Kara sighed. “I’ve just been going through some processing lately and it all feels like it is piling out of control and I work hard all the time only to get more work assigned and never have my boss get my name right, even though I swear she knows it is Kara not Kiera, and her mother came in unexpectedly this week and felt the need to drag Cat’s personal life into the office and I’ve been on cleanup duty for that and I don’t know how to get my arms to stop shocking me so I might as well get drunk and have them shock me while I am relaxed!” Kara blurted out. Her eyes widened when she realized how much she had confessed in one rather long breath of a sentence.
“Maybe you should slow down on the alcohol and just try and hang out like we normally do.”
“Yeah, I mean probably, but I’m tired of always following the rules.” She formed air quotes as she talked “‘No caffeine!’ ‘Exercise all the time!’ ‘But don’t exercise too much!’ ‘Don’t have stress!’ ‘But also pay your medical bills that are exorbitantly high!’ ‘Don’t drink like everyone else your age does because it’s bad for you!’ ‘Just try to live your life!’ ‘Here are a billion little jobs to do!’ ‘Why aren’t you sleeping enough?’ Sometimes it makes me want to scream! So instead I have a drink or two as a form of rebellion. It’s dumb, I know, but it’s one of the few things left that I feel like I can control without fully spiraling.”
“I see what you mean,” Lena conceded. “But perhaps don’t get full on drunk tonight and just drink enough to get buzzed so that you don’t pay in the morning?”
“That sounds reasonable enough. You’re smart, I should probably listen to you.”
“HA! It doesn’t take a PHD to learn that lesson. I’m just suggesting it because I used to do the same back in boarding school but I wouldn’t stop early enough and I paid big time a couple of times. Wouldn’t want to see you facing Cat Grant with a hangover now would we?”
“Who’s hungover?” Alex asked, suddenly interested.
“Nobody! I mean not right now at least!” Kara blurted.
“Kara, something you want to talk about?”
“Nope! Just fine! Lena was just talking about a time back in boarding school.”
It was a few hours later and Kara had had about 3 drinks. Reasonably spaced out, but she was definitely not sober anymore. After all, the medication she took was supposed to double the effects of alcohol on her system so she was probably drunker than not.
“I’m just gonna grab some water at the bar. Anyone else want some?”
“No thanks Kara!” most of them replied.
“Mind if I join?” Lena asked.
“Sure!” Smiling, Kara headed over to the bar slightly wobblier than usual but nobody seemed to notice because she wasn’t that good at walking straight to begin with. Things always seemed to blur together when she had alcohol and it made it seem like a long exposure picture in video form.
She got the bartender’s attention, asked for two waters and then turned to Lena.
“Thanks for checking up on me earlier. It means a lot that you notice when I might not be acting like my usual self.”
“Of course! It’s what I’m told friends do for one another. Or I assume it’s what a decent person would do if they saw someone the cared about seemed upset or stressed.”
“Still, I like that you suggested I slow down without telling me I can’t do something like everyone else seems to. They think because I am disabled I suddenly might not know what’s good or bad for me but you respect that I know my body enough to make my own decisions, so thank you.”
“Any time. I’m not one to enjoy being told how to live my life either so I understand that sentiment.”
At this Kara couldn’t help but to hug her friend until she noticed the bartender had returned with their waters.
“Thank you!” she waved as the bartender turned to help the next customer.
“Let’s go join the others and find out what Alex has been hiding from us this past week. I swear she is up to something.”
Kara grabbed onto Lena’s hand and pulled her towards the table to join the others.
I know I gotta go to the doctor about this, but my GP doesn’t know I’m trans, so I guess I have two questions. 1) I’ve been experiencing faint numbness in my left wrist and hand, which could be stress or tendinitis or wearing a heavy bag on my left shoulder, but one of the few different things that makes it worse is binding. Are there binding complications that could cause that? 2) is there a good way to ask my doctor about this without disclosing the binder, or make it sound less trans?
the pressure from binding could be pinching a nerve in the shoulder area. a different style binder could help- look for one that has a significantly different style of straps. rephrasing your binder as a tight performance bra would work, but i can tell you that if that’s making it worse, and you don’t disclose that you’re wearing it for many hours daily for non-sports reasons (gender reasons), they’re gonna tell you to not wear it. (hell, even if they know you’re trans half the time they give un-transfriendly advice. they just don’t think about it all the time). if you think the binding is making it worse, minimize the time you spend binding in favor of other methods (dressing in layers, wearing baggy clothes- check our clothes tag). similarly, if you think the bag is causing a problem, minimize what you carry and use a two-strap design (don’t sacrifice your body for the sake of style). If you think it’s tendonitis, make sure you’ve got the appropriate supports in place (bracing as recommended by that doctor you’re about to go see).Feel better soonmod mayhem
