I am a very conflicted individual. I think of my history that ties to me being a cynanthrope, a were’, I think about the cultural-implications of it all and how that affects me present day. What were the other cynanthropes that came before me like? Were they house-dogs, did they find out that was their instinctual calling and abided by it? Were they strays, vagabond? How did they feel about society, that’s a question I can surprisingly find the most answers to: Scared, then maybe not-so-much. They formed their own societies, small ones, with their familiar dogmen & women and people, they found nights to revel in themselves and to transform. They may have pondered the moon like they pondered their drinks those nights, they may have used them as triggers to hold their form — from what I’ve heard and studied by my mind.
Though also, how many of us were they, and how many of us cared? We go way back, but how many of us actually knew that? Who thought of our community and took some pride in it? Why is this all true, but me having a dad who is part-dog is something he never sat in? Accepting it, loving it? Why is it that he was the “bearer of the curse”, crashing into dog-form in times of distress, acting on dog-instincts that only encapsulate evil, sadness, fear? Is that all “just what humans think”, or is it a deeper sense of interpersonal being that is poorly understood? Why is it that, upon me knowing I was dog, I hated it? Why do I still gnash at myself over it? Why do I crave full-blooded human family dinners where I can grip with a fork and spoon, that I can look at everyone in the eye; But not to much, narrowing my gaze to my meal out of respect.
-It can all be bad, is it all bad? Where does bad start and stop? Does it ever stop? …Does it ever start? Where does human culture come in and is it applicable to my perception, is it only applicable when it’s time to scowl at me for being wrong and filthy but it’s simultaneously not-applicable when it’s time to other me? How much of me is human by blood, human by society? When I am greeted at the grocery store, do they register human-skin at first? But then when I walk half-hazardous up to the counter, drifting back and adverting my gaze, is that when they deem me no more as human?
When does human start and end? Is it applicable, was it applicable then stopped being so? All of these questions are ones I ponder almost every other day. My history as a dog means something, the cultural-connotations mean something, but how does that interfere with daily-life? How does that interfere with what I know?
