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sans and toriel were NOT having sex downstairs be so serious rn. he locked up the store when she came over. she fucked that man next to the beef jerky stand and that's FINAL
NSFW Alphabet (Osamu Dazai)
Guys this is long omg holy characterization? or nah?
Nsfw Alphabet template from @the-coldest-goodbye
My works: enjoy Bye now - Mars ♡
Aftercare - What they're like after sex
Depends on if you're someone he loves or just a quick fuck
Quick fuck - he'll roll over and clean you up, maybe share a cigarette, stay in bed together both of you staring at the ceiling and when you fall asleep he'll leave
In love - clingy. So clingy, oh my god! Wants to crawl into your skin because the emotions he feels are so overwhelming and he can't express that like a normal person.
Will still clean you up but will want to stay buried inside you, he wants to cuddle and talk about the sex, his performance, what you enjoyed and what you didn't, what he can do better etc.
Wants to be the little spoon, actually falls asleep with his face buried against your chest, the tiddies keep the nightmares at bay
Body Part - their favourite body part on themselves and their partner
Himself - definitely his hands or mouth. He loves the anatomy of his hands, on the flip side, he also likes his mouth because he loves how he can sweet talk himself out of or into most people and/or situations. Regarding a partner, he loves his hands and mouth simply because of how much he can make his partner come undone with them
On his partner - I see Osamu as a boobs guy, don't get me wrong he loves all of you, but I can definitely see him having a boobies fixation. Obviously for the sexual stuff duhz, of course he's gonna fuck your boobs, suck them until they're oversensitive, but more so for the ease it brings him. He's stressed out? Hands are reaching for your chest, that's his stress balls now. He wants to block out the world? Face is buried between them as he clings to you and pout until you stroke his hair and he falls asleep
Cum - Anything cum related
At first he cums outside most of the time, he doesn't want to accidentally get someone pregnant. Comes on the nearest place, so if you're doing doggy he comes on your ass, if missionary he comes on your tummy, if you're giving him head he likes coming on your face. It's just something so satisfying seeing his cum on your face, he likes smearing it across your cheek and making you suck his fingers to clean him up. If his partner is someone who cannot get pregnant he's cumming inside. If he's the one getting penetrated, he would want his partner to come inside him.
Dirty Secret - A dirty secret they would have
Not a secret in his defense because if you asked he'd just tell you, but he stole your panties when you two first started dating, and every time he came over he'd return them and steal another dirty pair.
Also I don’t know if this would be considered a dirty secret but I'll include it anyway, he subtly trains you to look forward to his calls/ texts or visits. During your talking stage, if there is one, he would text you at a specific time everyday and overtime you find yourself looking forward to it. He won't tell you but he did it intentionally.
Experience - How experienced are they?
Very experienced, he's canonically a womanizer which implies he's experienced. He knows what he's doing and also he's good with anatomy so knows his way around the human body. Used to sleep around a lot, used women for sex and to bury, literally, his problems if only temporarily. If he's committed I can see him as someone being extremely loyal to his partner. Final verdict - experienced and his partner reaps all the benefits of that
Favourite Position - What's their favourite position during sex
Lotus or Chairman.
For lotus, he just loves the intimacy of it, he loves looking up at you and also being able to suck your boobs. Definitely buries his face into your neck and moans. When he comes he bites down on your shoulder. He loves talking you through it whilst holding deep eye contact, the type to hug you close as you grind down onto him
For chairman, he insists on doing it in front of the mirror. Loves making you watch yourself as he makes you come over and over again. If his partner struggles with body issues, he doesn't let you come until you praise yourself. Will rest his chin on your shoulder and toy with your clit until your legs are shaking and your head is thrown back over his shoulder. You definitely squirt and ruin the mirror
Goofy - Are they more serious or humorous in the moment
It definitely depends on the mood, but obviously for the most part Osamu is a goofball even if it is a mask. I genuinely see him cracking jokes during sexy time, he wants to set a chill and comfortable vibe. If the mood is more intimate then I can see him being serious and taking his time in loving you. If you wanna crack jokes, he's reciprocating that energy and a bonus is you squeeze him tighter when you laugh so double win!
Hair - How well groomed are they? Does the carpet match the drapes?
The carpet matches the drapes. As for being well groomed it depends. He has periods of letting it grow wild, when he's in a particularly cruel depressive slump but if he's planning to hook up with people he definitely makes an effort to trim it
If he's with a partner, he asks them to shave him and he returns the favor if they so please. If you do want him to shave you, he's messing around and letting his artistic side out. Definitely shaves funny shapes into your bush before trimming/ shaving you
If his partner is someone who waxes, he lets you wax him. More for the pain aspect than the grooming aspect but you don't need to know that.
Hair doesn't bother him, not on himself or his partner, he just like switching it up sometimes
Intimacy - How are they during the moment, the romantic aspect?
Can be romantic, but can be goofy. If you want a slow sensual love making session and express that to him, he does make the effort. Goes all out, rose petals, candles, lingerie, he lives to please
Makes you hold eye contact with him whilst you wreck him, if you look away he slows down or stops completely.
Jackoff - Masturbation
He is hypersexual, it's a coping mechanism from having to use his body for his advantage during his mafia days. Gets period where he doesn't have sex, touch himself, or his partner - it can last for weeks
On the flip side, has a fiend side where he can fuck his fist until his cock is raw
Keeps photos of his partner for when they're not around, steals their dirty panties/ boxer for when he masturbates later.
Either he masturbated everyday, multiple times a day or not for weeks
Kinks - Some kinks they may have, I'm gonna shamelessly plug my kinktober Dazai fics haha (in no particular order)
Choking - he loves choking you when he's fucking your throat, but he also loves you choking him. He likes receiving it more than giving, satisfies his self harm tendencies
Cum Eating - I fully believe that if he was in love he would be disgusting with it. Yes, he wants to eat your cum. Yes, he wants to come inside you and then eat the mixture of his and yours come oozing out of you. Yes, he wants to cum inside your ass and lick it clean.
Boob Job - he just loves sliding his cock between your boobs and fucking them until he cums on your boobies.
Exhibitionist - the idea of getting caught gets him going. Not only does it fuel the possessive side of him that wants everyone to see that you belong to him, but the way you cling to him and urge him to go faster whilst simultaneously milking his cum? He loves every minute of it.
Impact Play - ties into his self harm tendencies but he gets pleasure from certain impact plays. Will be thrilled to do the same to his partner but he always ends up going easy on them, he never wants to hurt you even if you give consent for it
Foot Fetish - if he's feeling especially sadistic he will make you grind your cunt on his foot and control your orgasms. If you come without his permission? He's punishing you either by pussy slapping, overstimulation, or edging
Blindfold - not so much for the actual blindfolding but more so of the fact that you trust him enough. He also loves letting you blindfold him and ride him until he's crying and wetting the silk blindfold
Filming - he needs masturbation material, but also being able to watch back and see how you both lose yourself in each other in such an animalistic frenzy, makes him feel oddly human.
Free Use - again it's more so the fact that you trust him so much to allow him this privilege rather than the action itself. Only allows himself to be free use to you if he loves you, if you're a fling he's not giving you that power but if you offer him? He's not saying no.
Edging - uses it as a punishment most days but genuinely enjoys watching you cry and beg for him to let you come. You're crying for him? His cock? You love him that much? He's delulu jkjk Also loves edging himself either during sex or masturbation
Overstimulation - Lets you ride him until both of you are slumped against each other and still grinding, having to can't get enough of each other
Voyeurism - oh he loves this! He makes you touch yourself for his sick pleasure. If his partner is a virgin, he makes them touch themselves, makes them show him how they masturbates. Can definitely see him whispering "You need to stretch yourself open for me, Bella"
Orgasm Control - lovessss being the one who tells you when to come, when not to come. Equally gets rock hard when you put a chastity cage on him and send him to work. Loves that shit
Biting - the idea of wanting him enough to claim him via love bites and hickeys gets him going. He is a possessive bastard who loves biting you. Bites your ass cheek, your boobs, your neck, your ear, once bit your clit and earned himself a smack in the head
CBT - Cock and Ball Torture, this man loves when you cage his cock and balls, loves when you twist and turn it in ways that's so pleasurable it turns into pain
I could go on with his kinks but this is already so fucking long omg only for Osamu
Location - Favourite places to do it?
Bedroom - He feels most safe and comfortable here, honestly anywhere in your apartment really
Club/bar bathrooms - Turns it into a competition to see if he can make you moan and scream louder than the music
Agency Bathroom - It's sneaky and thrilling and he loves the nasty looks Ranpo gives him after
Agency Closet - You just squeeze him tighter when you think Kunikida is gonna find you
Cinema - Osamu is super smart and he can predict most movies so it's boring but he indulges in you by fucking you in the theaters.
Motivation - What turns them on, gets them going?
Seeing you. You breathing. You. You. You.
No seriously, he loves when you sass him, lives for banter, it turns him on so much
Watching you stand up for him gets him rock hard
Outsmarting him turns him on to no end
Physically, it would be you lounging around in his clothes, it just does something to his poor cock
When you two cuddle and you push back against him or hump him from behind, he lives for that shit
Someone who matches his freak gets him incredibly turned on
No - Something they wouldn't do, turn offs
Blood play is something I see him drawing a line at. He doesn't want to see you and blood together, he can't fathom the idea of losing you and that materializes with paranoia so blood play is a no no
Degrading, I can't see him doing this, yes he would playfully degrade his partner but it's nothing too intense. Yeah, he'll call you a dirty slut but never will he call you worthless or pathetic or such. Nor would he want to be degraded, his brain is already mean to him he doesn't want the person he loves doubling down on that
Cucking, he is a possessive man, I can't see him open to watching someone fuck the person he loves
Threesome, he is greedy and wouldn't want to share you with anyone else
Oral - Preference in giving or receiving
He prefers giving, loves to please and loves to be praised for it. Also I can see him as a lovesick fool who wants to do everything to make his partner's life easier. Hard day at work? Lay down babe, let me take your mind off it. Walking home? He pulls you into a dark alleyway and drops to his knees and buries his face into your cunt, lifting your leg over his shoulder. Eating you out is his favourite oral play
He does like receiving head, he enjoys fucking your face and throat but he would choose to eat you out over receiving head
Pace - Are they fast and rough or slow and sensual
Osamu can do both and he wants what you want. If he had a bad day, he wants nothing more than to pin you down and fuck you like a wild animal. Equally sometimes he just wants to kiss every inch of your body and sink inch after inch slowly into you, prolonging the sex for as long as possible
Quickie - Their opinion on quickies and how often
He loves a good quickie. Every time he tries to beat his score. He made you come in under ten minutes last time? This time he's gonna make you come in under five! Loves doing it during working hours, in the mornings, before a mission, he loves quickies. It's fun, and he enjoys the rush of feeling accomplished in making you come so quickly. Gets his heart pumping and he loves it
Risk - Are they game to experiment? Do they take risk?
Yes! He lovess experimenting, especially with a partner on the inexperienced end, he loves opening their world view and showing them all the wild and wicked ways he can ruin them. He will take a risk from time to time when he wants to spice things up but if there's even a tiny possibility of his partner getting hurt he shuts it down asap.
Stamina - How many rounds can they go for and how long
He has phases. On one hand he can go for hours on end for multiple rounds and still want more until you both are on the verge of passing out
On average, every day life he can last three to four rounds for multiple hours.
Toys - Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves
He has a collection and a discount code at the local sex shop. Loves using toys on himself and his partner. If he's not living with his partner, he sends them home with new toys for them to try out and then makes them tell him in detail how that experience was. If one of you buys a new toy, he makes you sit down and talks you through using that toy on yourself
Uses toys during sex for maximum pleasure
Unfair - How much they like to tease.
It's Osamu, I don't think I need to say much for this. He LOVES to tease. He loves to tease you until you're mad and drag him home and ride him until he's crying. Gets hard teasing and riling you up. If you work together, rip my friend. This man will torture you with ghost touches and filthy whispers against your ears during the most inconvenient of times. In an important meeting? He's playing footsies with you under the table. Makes you wear a vibrator that he can control from his phone and turns it all the way up when it's your turn to speak in the meeting.
Yeah safe to say, Ranpo is giving you a both nasty side eye, also makes you buy him candy for him to shut his mouth
Volume - How loud are they, what sounds do they make?
He moans like a fucking slut. High pitched and whiny to tease you but when he gets close it turns into deep groans and grunts. Whimpers out your name needily when you overstimulate him. By himself, he’s more quiet, moaning into your dirty panties/boxer
Wild Card - A random headcanon for the character
Wants to send the videos of him making you cum to all your failed relationship, won’t do it but fantasize about it
X-Ray - What’s going on under those clothes
A shower, a solid 5.5 inches, 7 inches when erect, pale with a flushed pink bulbous tip. Is HUNG, it’s always the skinny men I swear. Has veins running along the underside of his cock. His tip, the slit, is the most sensitive part of him.
Yearning - How high is their sex drive
He has moods, as I’ve stressed during this entire long rant about him lol, his sex drive is high normally unless he gets into a depressive slump and doesn’t touch himself or you for weeks on end
Zzz - How quickly they fall asleep after
He will clean you both up before snuggling up against you. Always waits until you fall asleep first before he attempts to sleep. Sleep never comes naturally to him but being pressed up against you always helps.
i jerk my penis but it keeps stretching out longer and longer like taffy
i could never live on a starfleet ship cause I'd know some cunt in security is reading through all my search queries Alien Penis alien penis comparison alien penis chart penises throughout the galaxy penis in every language what species are sexually compatible with humans what species can humans SAFELY uave sex with sex sent me to the sickbay season 78 alpha quadrant penis tour what species has the most penises and that's how far I'd get before they overrode the security lock on my quarters and broke in and killed me for being academically curious
sorr- (remembers that thanking instead of apologizing is healthier for you and your relationships) thank you for allowing me to prematurely ejaculate on your couch